How about humor...dirty humor of course!

Permalink Reply by Lisa Survillas on October 9, 2008 at 5:22pm

Not really dirty...but really funny!!

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kid s myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

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Permalink Reply by Tonya Ward on October 9, 2008 at 5:34pm

Thanks Lisa! You are a sweetie for sending laughter!!! So glad to be your friend!
Going to finish dinner! Just had to check on my Tweetheart Friends!!!
Tonya : )

Lisa Survillas said:

ahhhh...Tonya...you crack me up!! Love it! Thanks for the nice words. I like to laugh as part of my ab workout too. My son laughs all day long (8 yrs) and he's got great abs...maybe there is something to it!
hcite>Tonya Ward said:
Hi Lisa! I love to read your writing! You're so funny! I like Tighten those abs with Laughter!
( ssshhh I am just whispering this in your ear... when I tighten my hidden abs and laugh...
I need to go pee) ssshhh.... just a whisper. OMG! Any one else feel that? no ... sigh...

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Permalink Reply by Cora Griswold on October 9, 2008 at 5:36pm

Thanks Lisa I needed the laugh that was great:)

antoniasmom8 said:

lmao...that was one of the best jokes I heard in awile...I needed 2 laugh thanks..

Lisa Survillas said:
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.
"

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey.
I love you too!!"

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Permalink Reply by Cora Griswold on October 9, 2008 at 5:40pm

As a mother of 3 that I gave birth to, I have to say that is one of the cutest stories I've heard. Thanks for the chuckle. I will have to think of some great stories. It's been a long time since I have heard any dirty jokes or told any.

Lisa Survillas said:

Not really dirty...but really funny!!

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kid s myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

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Permalink Reply by Erin on October 9, 2008 at 6:31pm

OMG these are so funny LIsa, i had to read them to my hubby! I love the airplane one and the prison one.. I LMAO

Lisa Survillas said:

ahhhh...Tonya...you crack me up!! Love it! Thanks for the nice words. I like to laugh as part of my ab workout too. My son laughs all day long (8 yrs) and he's got great abs...maybe there is something to it!
hcite>Tonya Ward said:
Hi Lisa! I love to read your writing! You're so funny! I like Tighten those abs with Laughter!
( ssshhh I am just whispering this in your ear... when I tighten my hidden abs and laugh...
I need to go pee) ssshhh.... just a whisper. OMG! Any one else feel that? no ... sigh...

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Erin on October 9, 2008 at 6:34pm

OK Lisa, that was so freaking funny!

Lisa Survillas said:

Not really dirty...but really funny!!

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kid s myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

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Permalink Reply by Lisa Survillas on October 9, 2008 at 6:35pm

so glad you like them. i get so many each day from friends and my dad that i thought it would be fun to share.

Erin said:

OMG these are so funny LIsa, i had to read them to my hubby! I love the airplane one and the prison one.. I LMAO

Lisa Survillas said:
ahhhh...Tonya...you crack me up!! Love it! Thanks for the nice words. I like to laugh as part of my ab workout too. My son laughs all day long (8 yrs) and he's got great abs...maybe there is something to it!
hcite>Tonya Ward said:
Hi Lisa! I love to read your writing! You're so funny! I like Tighten those abs with Laughter!
( ssshhh I am just whispering this in your ear... when I tighten my hidden abs and laugh...
I need to go pee) ssshhh.... just a whisper. OMG! Any one else feel that? no ... sigh...

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Permalink Reply by Erin on October 9, 2008 at 8:01pm

I get dirty ones from my dad sometimes and it just creeps me out LOL

Lisa Survillas said:

so glad you like them. i get so many each day from friends and my dad that i thought it would be fun to share.

Erin said:
OMG these are so funny LIsa, i had to read them to my hubby! I love the airplane one and the prison one.. I LMAO

Lisa Survillas said:
ahhhh...Tonya...you crack me up!! Love it! Thanks for the nice words. I like to laugh as part of my ab workout too. My son laughs all day long (8 yrs) and he's got great abs...maybe there is something to it!
hcite>Tonya Ward said:
Hi Lisa! I love to read your writing! You're so funny! I like Tighten those abs with Laughter!
( ssshhh I am just whispering this in your ear... when I tighten my hidden abs and laugh...
I need to go pee) ssshhh.... just a whisper. OMG! Any one else feel that? no ... sigh...

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Permalink Reply by Barbara Siragusa on October 9, 2008 at 9:07pm

Great jokes! Gave me a smile tonight...

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Permalink Reply by Texasholly on October 10, 2008 at 9:45am

There were three women eating lunch--one was dating, one was engaged and one was married.

They decided they would go shopping that afternoon for something sexy to surprise their partners.

They all decided on the same outfit: sexy black boots, a black thong, a racy bra, and a provocative eye mask just for fun.

When the dating woman's boyfriend came through the door, he took one look at her and started disrobing. Within seconds they were on the kitchen table.

When the engaged woman's fiancee saw her he scooped her up and ran for the bedroom. They made passionate love all night long.

When the married woman's husband saw her he said, "what's for dinner batman?"

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Permalink Reply by Lisa Survillas on October 10, 2008 at 10:10am

I love it!! I LMAO!!

Texasholly said:

There were three women eating lunch--one was dating, one was engaged and one was married.

They decided they would go shopping that afternoon for something sexy to surprise their partners.

They all decided on the same outfit: sexy black boots, a black thong, a racy bra, and a provocative eye mask just for fun.

When the dating woman's boyfriend came through the door, he took one look at her and started disrobing. Within seconds they were on the kitchen table.

When the engaged woman's fiancee saw her he scooped her up and ran for the bedroom. They made passionate love all night long.

When the married woman's husband saw her he said, "what's for dinner batman?"

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Permalink Reply by Tara Eigo on October 10, 2008 at 12:25pm

Ok...a man walks in the bedroom and stands at the foot of the bed where his wife is. He is holding a sheep under his arm and says "here's the pig i'm screwing when you're not around" The wife says "that's not a pig" and the husband says " I wasn't talking to YOU".

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