advice on single parenting

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Permalink Reply by Lorna Darden on April 1, 2009 at 9:40am

Hi, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I know it's hard, but you have to just take it one day at a time. I think my daughter has ADHD and I'm taking her to the doctor next week. She has all of the symptoms. I wrote a blog on the disorder if you would like to read more about it go to my profile. Will your mom help out or the father so that you can have some relaxation time? If not try putting them in a daycare for a few hours if possible. I wish you luck. If you ever need anyone to talk to you can talk to me. I have no problem with that.

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Permalink Reply by MomofYoungProfessionals on April 2, 2009 at 5:38pm

I was a single-mom, almost always (kids father and I split when younger child was 6 months old). I did not have the challenge of having one with ADHD. I did live away from my support system, however. What I can say is see if you can, for lack of a better term, "farm out" the 3 and 16 year old kids. If there is someone you trust to watch them/play with them for just a few hours, then you will have one-on-one time with the 7 year old. I know it's not easy but you must get resourceful. Ideas: babysitting co-ops, church groups, Big Brother/Big Sister program (for the 16 year old and actually for the 7 year old also), Mommy's helpers (for the 3 year old), adopt-a-grandma/grandpa program, and so on. You really must cut yourself a break when there is no SO/father to take the kids so you can get some time. Sit down and brainstorm. Write down every idea, no matter how nutty they may seem at first. One thing I found that worked for me in college: a pizza place called Papa's Pizza. We live where it rains a lot. Papa's has an indoor playground. The kids would play indoors, in a supervised area and I could study (ok, yah, sometimes I'd have a beer at the same time, but just one). I encourage you to seek help and ideas from social services too. I tell my niece who is also a single mother: it's just like they tell you on the airplane about using the oxygen. "Put on your mask first, then you can help others." Take care now.

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Permalink Reply by Nisha Ray on April 3, 2009 at 2:20pm

Hi Lori,

I have been dealing with a Child with Adhd for 10 years now. I can tell you from my experience that just taking a moment for yourself makes the difference. Some times it would be something a simple as taking the kids on a walk at night and letting them look at the sky and talk softly because there is no one else around. Having a quiet bath with your candles light and a glass of wine after the kids go to bed. Most importantly building a network of friends who face similiar issues and will not judge you. Having someone to call on when your child is acting out and even having them get on the phone with your child can make the difference. Feel free to contact me anytime. I understand what you are feeling and going through. Once you and your son come to terms with his disability and understand that he is not defined nor are you defined by Adhd it will get easier and then you can open up your life to someone else. There is a time and season for everything.

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Permalink Reply by AKAmamma on April 3, 2009 at 4:57pm

That's a tough situation. I was the child of a single mother. She had my brother and I, 8 and 10 years old at the time of her separation. My brother had a lot of problems with reading and may even have a learning disability. Anyway, money was extremely tight, but my mother still managed to find some for a babysitter from time to time. My brother became successful and quite wealthy as an adult. We both saw how hard my mother worked and realized we had to do the same if we didn't want to relive our poor childhood.

For the good of everyone in your family, I'd say you need to get out of the house on a fairly regular basis. I know that when I get out to go to the gym or see some friends, I feel soooooo much better. I also think that I'm a better mom when I get some time to myself.

If you can get your 16 year old to help out for just a few hours after work, you might feel a whole lot better.

I know that your 7 year old's ADHD may be overwhelming at first, but his/her teacher should be able to give you some resources so that you can help your son/daughter. But don't worry too much. As a former teacher, I know that there are varying degrees of ADHD. It might not be as bad as you initially think.

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Permalink Reply by Hallie Gallagher on April 3, 2009 at 5:05pm

I am a single mom and I logged on tonight for just this reason. I work with a lot of single moms and they are always talking about going out. I get jealous sometimes because I can never seem to find the time or money. Even if I could find a babysitter, I am too afraid to leave my kids with anyone. I don't have a child with ADHD, but my mom lives with me and she is in and out of the hospital. When she is well, she watches the girls while I work so I don't want to ask her to watch them of an evening so I can go out. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you come across any helpful tips, pass them my way if you dont' mind and I will do the same for you. I have had so many people tell me "God won't put any more on you than you can handle." I don't know what your beliefs are but sometimes I have to repeat that to myself over and over. Best of luck to you. :)

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Permalink Reply by Angela on April 6, 2009 at 1:21pm

I was a single mom for 7 years, so I feel your pain. The best advice I can give you is try to find a support system. YOU are important too and your kids need you to be happy and healthy so it is really important to take care of yourself first. As a shy person, I don't have many friends either but I have started going to the gym and doing that for ME has made a huge difference in my life. Best of luck and keep positive.

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Permalink Reply by Single Rose on April 6, 2009 at 3:29pm

I saw your posting here. (twittering is something I want to get into, maybe haven't decided for sure) BUT saw your posting about being a single mom and have to tell you about my site. I created it about 13 years ago (after my husband ran off with another woman and I was alone with 2 babies), and it just kinda morphed into this huge thing. Its called Single Rose at www.singlerose.com - we have a mom of the week feature, a comprehensive single parenting database, an online angel program during the holidays and lots more.

Hang in there. It does get better and they grow up before you know it.

Tammy

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Permalink Reply by Yolonda on April 6, 2009 at 4:18pm

I am also a single mother. I work a full time job and a part time job and always thinking how will I get this all done. The number 1 thing I had to learn how to do is accept help when it is offered. I so didn't want to feel like I was burdening anyone else with my problems or dumping my son on anyone but I defintely learned that I have to take care of me in order to take of my son. So when people offer to babysit or if there is a playdate with other moms I am all over it. I think everyone here is right that you defintely have to hold on and believe that it will not be a struggle always at some point things will get better.

Yolonda

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