Arguing in front of your children. Do you do it or wait until you have and your partner have some alone time?
My marriage is in a valley right now. And while we are working on issues it is still difficult. I see clearly that it has a direct effect on my son and he see's what is going on. It's very hard to always bite my tongue and not have a "reaction" at the heat of the moment. My son said something to me today about it and it kind of broke my heart. He told me I should go and give daddy a kiss and a hug and tell him I love him. And, not to be sad. Ugh! How do you handle situations like this?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by carmen miranda on -
Ugh that is so hard. The worst time in my marriage was when my oldest was in 2nd grade and middle was in kindergarten (littlest not yet born) and I saw such an effect on the kindergartner. I have always been open about just about everything with my kids - sex, drugs, arguing, tv choices, etc.Anyway, I think that your son has some brilliant advice. As much as you may not want do give daddy a hug and kiss, I think it will go a long way toward both helping your marriage and helping your son dealing with your fighting. I married my highschool sweetheart and our 20 yr marriage is now better than ever. But, looking back to that time, I wish I had done exactly what your son suggests. It doesn't necessarily help the problems and issues, but I think it could actually strengthen the foundation of your marriage. It's kind of like how when you smile, you become happy - people being treated for depression and other issues are often taught to do that in therapy. It sounds goofy but it really works - maybe this will help in some way, and then you can also use this as an opportunity to teach your son how to argue in a healthy way - discuss issues, not attack each other, and also address the very real part of arguing when you really are annoyed or upset with another person and you want to just be away from them for a while. After all, the only reason that someone gets so hurt and upset is precisely because they love that person so much. God bless, hope you work things out.
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Permalink Reply by Meg Hansen on -
Thanks, Carmen. You are the second person to suggest this.
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Permalink Reply by Ileana Reyes on
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In my first marriage I was really good, andhe was really bad at it. Until he did see that it was a dirrect affect on the kids. As I have gotten older I have realized that I am getting worse at it. I have learned that I need to nip things in the bud, very quickly. Sometimes my instinct reacts quicker than my brain. But always think before you react. There are times that we arent really upset at what is happening at the moment. other things in the day may have built up the tension. Its a true balancing act.
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Permalink Reply by RSLaughlin on -
Arguing in front of your children does indeed have a direct on your children. So does talking negatively about your spouse to anyone for that matter. I feel the only time a child should be privy to an argument is if they can benefit from it. For example- an argument over money may prove usuful if the sees how the parents SOLVE the argument. Say- they jointly decide to cut back on take out food or entertainment. In the sake of these such arguments, the child can learn that a disagreement is okay, but that each disagreement should reach some sort of conclusion (not one parent walking out slamming the door), with both partners making an agreement. This shows children that give and take is natural in any relationship. If a child sees one parent consistently being berated (say dad berates mom and daughter sees this) she will grow up thinking that relationship is normal and will typically end up with a man like her father (who berates her.) Make any sense?
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Permalink Reply by Miriam Cash on -
Well...here's the thing, heated arguments in front of the kids, no! That's bad. And I have to say, with my hormone shifts nearing menopause, I can't deny that's happened. I'm not proud of it but it has happened. If it does, I definitely have to apologize afterwards and talk to the kids about why things get out of hand. To not argue ever in front of the kids, I'm sorry...that's a dreamworld. When I hear that couples NEVER argue, EVER...I know they either are lying or have no substance to their relationship. And I've also seen couples who never argue over anything divorce over silliness...like not putting down the toilet seat or saying please when they ask for the salt and pepper! Come on!! While arguments impact the children, it can be turned into a lesson on relationships, love, stick-to-it-ivness, compromise and patience. The reality is, people disagree, argue, and argue intently, sometimes. If a picture of falsity is painted, then when something seems insurmountable people walk away instead of plugging ahead. I've been married 20 yrs. too and there have been many peaks and valleys in my relationship. Life is hard, marriage is hard and raising healthy kids is even harder. We need to do the best we can in every realm. Kids are smart! They know what's up if we argue or not!
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Permalink Reply by Robin Hartman on -
I know it's hard. My sons have said similar things to me. Sometimes, my husband and I aren't even arguing we are discussing something upsetting which is unrelated to each other.
Both my child, and probably most child, are very aware of the feelings of their parents which is actually a good thing that they could empathize.
We combat this situation by always very affectionate to each other in front of the kids. So, take your son's advice. I find it difficult never to argue or have a disagreement infront of the children.
Yelling, of course, should be avoid because it will scare children. However, yelling happens. Afterwards, make sure your children see you talk to each other. If there is yelling, both parents should apologize to everyone in the room and assure the children that mommy and daddy love each other and maybe involve the children in the resolution to the disagreement. Because, if they heard everything anyway, they were already involved.
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Permalink Reply by Wendy Sumner Winter on -
We do argue in front of our little one, but, as in general, we do not use insulting language. I think it's really really important to model appropriate conflict resolution - even appropriate anger management (both of which sound much more gobbledygookie than they look in practice!). When VeeGee tells me to "not be sad," I tell her that sometimes it's okay to be sad, but that I won't stay that way.
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Permalink Reply by Judy Armes on -
It might seem simplistic...but now is the time to get really good at counting to 10. Kids are watching, all the time. And, if you think you are arguing behind closed doors, your son is surely listening. After all it affects him hugely and he doesn't even know how. But it leaves him in a really insecure place, out of control, unable to help you or your husband and wondering what's going to happen next. So, given lemons, make lemonade. If your arguments are about him, go for a walk and be sure you're out of earshot. Until you and your husband come to a specific plan you can agree on about your son, it isn't useful to increase his stress unnecessarily. If your issues are about general family issues (money, chores, time-management, following agreements, etc), count to ten, remind your husband to use your disagreement this as a learning experience for ALL of you...and be prepared to "agree to disagree" on some issues. Your son will be able to watch adults disagree in a more mature an productive manner and you will be more likely to resolve issues if you can focus on the issue and not the emotional attachment to who wins. So, make a pact with your husband (at least on this one issue) that you will discuss those topics you can talk about AFTER a moment to collect your true ideas and beliefs--count to 10 :) And, if there are issues that put you both through the roof emotionally, "take it outside" and away from your son's listening range.
--It's not easy to envision the possible collapse of your dreams and your future. If you can pause for just enough time to remember what's really important, you're less likely to ramp up your son's fears and you'll be more likely to get through to the other side (whatever that looks like) able to co-parent your son separately or together.
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Permalink Reply by Ruby Meas on -
hi, i do hope you and your hubby work things out....i know from personal experience how hard it is to watch what you say around the kids....and in the heat of the moment we totally forget that they are around. i have a 4 year old son and it amazes me at how much he pics up from situations around the house, it breaks my heart when i realise its too late to take back something i said... I cannot offer any solution or suggestion but i will pray for you and your family....all the best Ruby :)
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Permalink Reply by Rugbymom on -
Miriam, you said it sister. There's really nothing more for me to say. . . :-)
Miriam Cash said:Well...here's the thing, heated arguments in front of the kids, no! That's bad. And I have to say, with my hormone shifts nearing menopause, I can't deny that's happened. I'm not proud of it but it has happened. If it does, I definitely have to apologize afterwards and talk to the kids about why things get out of hand. To not argue ever in front of the kids, I'm sorry...that's a dreamworld. When I hear that couples NEVER argue, EVER...I know they either are lying or have no substance to their relationship. And I've also seen couples who never argue over anything divorce over silliness...like not putting down the toilet seat or saying please when they ask for the salt and pepper! Come on!! While arguments impact the children, it can be turned into a lesson on relationships, love, stick-to-it-ivness, compromise and patience. The reality is, people disagree, argue, and argue intently, sometimes. If a picture of falsity is painted, then when something seems insurmountable people walk away instead of plugging ahead. I've been married 20 yrs. too and there have been many peaks and valleys in my relationship. Life is hard, marriage is hard and raising healthy kids is even harder. We need to do the best we can in every realm. Kids are smart! They know what's up if we argue or not!
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Permalink Reply by Andrea on -
So sorry your having problems. I think it is ok for children to see a small disagreement if they also see that you can resolve it and everything is ok. If there are serious problems in the marriage, I don't think it is necessary for the kids to know about it until final decisions are made. It can be hard to bite your tongue, but since your son has already sensed things are wrong, maybe that will help you. As for giving daddy a kiss and a hug...we learned a long time ago that sucking up our pride and doing just what your son suggested is exactly what we BOTH need sometimes...and it will be good for your son to see that.
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Permalink Reply by Susan Mentzer on -
I personally feel that you should wait until you have alone time, I know it affects the kids. My grandson runs and hides while holding his ears so he doesn't have to listen to his parents argue. I feel really sorry for him sometimes and my daughter has now decided to hold it in until alone time comes because she can see what it does to him.
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