Can you love more than one person at a time?
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It's pretty clear the institution of marriage is struggling. If we're not divorcing, then we're cheating. Just ask Jon and Kate, Mark and Jenny, Eliot and Nilda, John and Elizabeth. Just last month, the Atlantic and Time both asked can marriage as we know it be saved?
Now Newsweek's says polyamory — having loving, intimate relationships with more than one person at the same time, with everyone knowing what's going on and agreeing to it — is the next big thing when it comes to relationships. Of course, there have always been people who have loving, intimate relationships with more than one person at the same time, just without the knowledge and consent part; they're called cheaters.
Is Newsweek and my friend Mary, who's decided to go poly, onto something?
That's what I'm talking about at My so-called midlife. Join in!
Now Newsweek's says polyamory — having loving, intimate relationships with more than one person at the same time, with everyone knowing what's going on and agreeing to it — is the next big thing when it comes to relationships. Of course, there have always been people who have loving, intimate relationships with more than one person at the same time, just without the knowledge and consent part; they're called cheaters.
Is Newsweek and my friend Mary, who's decided to go poly, onto something?
That's what I'm talking about at My so-called midlife. Join in!
Tags: dating, honesty, life, marriage, monogamy, non-monogamy, partners, polyamory, relationships
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Toni on -
I should say that I'm convinced that poly isn't for everyone. It is however the only thing that makes sense to me as far as relationships go. I spent a lot of my adult life in serial monogamous relationships & also a lot of energy I now think needlessly when that construct went awry. Through that I have concluded that I no longer believe monogamy is something that I should even attempt. All of the monogamy failures weren't my doing but the sense that two people can fulfill each other's needs exclusively seems like a set up for failure. This doesn't even get into if either party is bisexual. In that case regardless of where your partner falls into the gender spectrum zi isn't going to be able to give you everything you need.
I guess I haven't actually answered your question though. My cliff note version of what lead me to this I suppose can help if you think of it but only if I say that if you are open to other people in your life you are able to make the connection necessary to fall into love with more than one. A very common allegory used is if you are a parent of more than one child. Many of us mom's have more than one so I suspect it is an easy thing to relate to. I know that I love each of my three children. Each has their own relationship with me & the rest of our family(s). Each is with a different spouse. One of the results of that serial monogamy. It's not hard for me to understand from that that I am capable of loving more than one person as my partner too.
The fact of the matter is at this time I have one partner though. That is due to the fact that I haven't found another, not that either of us have knowingly impeded that from happening. That's just the way it stands at this time. We consider each other primary partners. When we met like each person I meet I clearly stated that I'm polyamourous. I have a list of things that I tell each potential partner. That is always in there near the top. I want to be honest about everything from the beginning. I have lost people at this point but also gained the respect of at least two women for that honesty. Each of them are good friends now. We just aren't lovers. In the case of my primary partner I think it opened doors that sie hadn't previously considered. There were issues with hir current relationship & zi was looking for companionship. Zi was also attracted to me. I think that planting the seed led to hir freeing hir mind to this possibility & eventually to my having a sister-wife. My sister wife in the long run wasn't able to live in a poly relationship & our husband discovered that sie is bi. As people transition from their birth gender they discover aspects of their sexuality that they hadn't recognized before. In my husband's it was being bi in mine I only want to be with someone born as or currently identifying as female. Our husband being bi was a deal breaker for my sister wife. So we are now down to two. I loved her & miss her. I also understand that sie needs to live hir life the way that works for hir & wish her the best. I hope that sie has something from our time together that will be pleasant memories. I know I have from hir.
I have had another partner that only dated me in this time. My husband has had a few. We have two people that come into & out of our bedroom. It's hard to explain. We all care for each other but the others I think aren't able to fully connect with us enough to go farther. One is a near transitioning transman. His life is so complicated I think that zi needs to figure things out on hir own before zi can give to others.
The woman that I dated in the long run wasn't able to accept that I wasn't able to become monogamous & in fact broke up with me when we met my husband & our transman partner at a function & I kissed everyone in turn.
Soooo. yes it is possible but in my opinion you have to be ready for it or possibly even it is as simple as accepting that you can do it. People who have came out as being l,t,b, or g know that there was that time when they asked themselves what they wanted or needed for their lives & it didn't match who they thought they should be according to society. According to my thinking, being poly is also one of those things that society tells us we shouldn't be.
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Permalink Reply by Michelle Nguyen on -
I have a good number of polyamorous friends. Poly can work if all partners involved are on the same wavelength on what they expect from the group relationship as well as from each individual partner.
As for it being the next "big" thing or next evolution in human relationships... I don't think so. It would require more people to be able to share a partner emotional, something that I don't think many folks are culturally or emotionally prepared to do. Also, I think too many people are prone to confusing swinging and polyamory -- they are NOT one in the same. Both involve multiple partners but swinging is primarily about sex whereas polyamory revolves around emotional relationships though it can (and often does) include sex.
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Permalink Reply by Toni on
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Thank you for bringing up the difference between swinging & polyamoury.
Michelle Nguyen said:I have a good number of polyamorous friends. Poly can work if all partners involved are on the same wavelength on what they expect from the group relationship as well as from each individual partner.
As for it being the next "big" thing or next evolution in human relationships... I don't think so. It would require more people to be able to share a partner emotional, something that I don't think many folks are culturally or emotionally prepared to do. Also, I think too many people are prone to confusing swinging and polyamory -- they are NOT one in the same. Both involve multiple partners but swinging is primarily about sex whereas polyamory revolves around emotional relationships though it can (and often does) include sex.
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