Dealing With Ex Husbands
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I have been divorced for 4 yrs and remarried for 1. My ex has now started head games with our 16 yr old son. I have been working on following my own advices, staying calm and respectful when dealing with my son's father,after a week of dealing with him I felt I had gone through the divorce all over again! At least my son saw me being the adult and parent, as for his father, he is the victim and on the poor me trip, of course this is all my fault.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Rebecca Collier on -
Does your son understand that he's playing head-games? I fully expect he would, but I'm wondering if the goal of your ex is to tick you off, and this is the way he does it. ? -Rebecca
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Permalink Reply by JLGergen on -
Unfortunately Rebbecca my son totally understands. My ex is an alcoholic and very depressed man who refuses to seek help and of course blames everyone else for all his problems. It has even gone as far as him blaming our daughter for our divorce. His goal to keep playing the victim and it is getting very old!
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Permalink Reply by Shannon Newbern Malone on -
Hey there---I've been married & divorced twice/2 kids from each man---ex husbands are all assholes---that the first thing---but I've learned, the hard way---I am 56, so I speak with experience---its all about boundries--you have to set some, stay on them---it will make your life so much eaiser---but the biggest thing is, I can't stand when the ex, thinks he has to be in control---thats where we all loose it---the boundries I set have made a huge difference! Just hold strong, the sweet thing about the boundries, is when you set them, think about them & then call your ex & lay them out---he can like it or NOT---Good Luck---
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Permalink Reply by Deborah Hahnke on -
Sounds like you're handling it well by setting a good example for your children in how you react or don't react to your ex-husband. I know from experience that it's hard to hold back, but it's best for the kids. Since your husband is an alcoholic, much of his behavior may be stemming from his addiction. It might help your son and daughter better understand their father's behavior by educating them about the disease of alcoholism. A lot of the behavior you describe sounds like an alcoholic's behavior: feeling sorry for themselves, the victim, no control of situations and no responsibility for their actions. The best thing you can do is help your children understand where his behavior is coming from so they don't blame themselves, or worse, try to "fix" their father.
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Permalink Reply by AMO on -
What you are doing is right. Respectful and calm. You may even want to acknowledge how he is feeling... "I understand you are feeling X right now"... "we can do this in a way that the least disruptive to our son"...
As long as you keep your calm it will mitigate. Its is harder for sure but the best way. And who wants to waste energy on negitive words etc. He is looking for a fight and that is his payoff. Save your energy!
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Permalink Reply by Viki Stanley-Hutchison on -
Uggghhh, I have a relative like this, and it's so hard because no matter what you do, or say, nothing ever changes. It's very frustrating. I'm glad your kids understand what the situation is. Sorry you're having to go through this.
JLGergen said:Unfortunately Rebbecca my son totally understands. My ex is an alcoholic and very depressed man who refuses to seek help and of course blames everyone else for all his problems. It has even gone as far as him blaming our daughter for our divorce. His goal to keep playing the victim and it is getting very old!
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Permalink Reply by Rhonda on -
I hear the advice given, which is needed for you, my concern is this ex-husband's mind is not the most stable and he refuses to seek professional help.
With men divorce is usually about 2 things: 1. "his" money and 2. "his" territory. You have stated he has accused your daughter for the divorce, this shows clearly that his children are not a positive source of comfort nor strength. My concern is again his mental capacity and how he may direct his issues on the children to spite you. You never know the mental workings of a person carrying such issues. Is this to scare you, MAYBE into an awareness state as well as your children. Be aware of any changes or other communication that discussions doom. Your children may need a plan of action in case dad rants scare them.
many a family have had their lives played out on a 'Lifetime' movie of the week or newspaper, radio or news broadcast. Be aware and you and your family.
Yes, I had been divorced (he filed the divorce) once, he wanted to yell and be angry. I refused, letting him know what I saw with my parents, they divorced and remained the best of friends till her death in 1995. I didn't see nor hear them arguing.
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Permalink Reply by JLGergen on
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Thank you for the great advise and support. I hoped my ex and I could stay civil, but as a result of his behavior and things he has said to my children, unlikely. What is scary he is a teacher and a head coach!
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Permalink Reply by Rebecca Collier on
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Well: What a cruddy guy- and how smart a woman you are to have recognized it !
And I completely agree with Shannon's post-"its all about boundaries" Amen to that!
JLGergen said:Unfortunately Rebbecca my son totally understands. My ex is an alcoholic and very depressed man who refuses to seek help and of course blames everyone else for all his problems. It has even gone as far as him blaming our daughter for our divorce. His goal to keep playing the victim and it is getting very old!
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Permalink Reply by Rebecca Collier on
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Shannon you are a very wise woman: your advice on setting and keeping boundaries is worth its weight in gold. It took me 8 years conclude that my 9 year old sons' father is not the man he pretends to be. With boundaries in-place I don't care who he really is, or what his 'intentions' are; as long as he's out of the way and stays outside the bounds.
The better the boundary enforcement the better your and your childs' life. Its incredibly comforting, (emotional relief perhaps) to put them outside the bounds and keep them there. Thank you for sage advice!
:Rebecca Collier
Shannon Newbern Malone said:Hey there---I've been married & divorced twice/2 kids from each man---ex husbands are all assholes---that the first thing---but I've learned, the hard way---I am 56, so I speak with experience---its all about boundries--you have to set some, stay on them---it will make your life so much eaiser---but the biggest thing is, I can't stand when the ex, thinks he has to be in control---thats where we all loose it---the boundries I set have made a huge difference! Just hold strong, the sweet thing about the boundries, is when you set them, think about them & then call your ex & lay them out---he can like it or NOT---Good Luck---
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Permalink Reply by Kathleen Hogg on -
As a child of a very acrimonious divorce and two very bitter parents, I can tell you that your son does not need to be told what is going on. He is 16 and can see everything way more clearly than you think he can, but he may not voice it. You have to be careful, because it is his same sex parent and the image of what type of man he might be. Don't discuss anything with your son about what his father is doing. Take the high road. It causes much less hurt.
You cannot rationalize an irrational person, so don't bother analyzing your ex. Just be reasonable and calm with your son and it will be ok. All he needs to know is that he is loved, wanted, accepted and cherished by at least one parent and that is you. Listen to your son, but keep your opinions out, just let him know you love him. That is all that matters. Divorce sucks for everyone.
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