Helping Toddlers To Try to Understand Death
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How do you handle telling your kids when someone or something dies? We just lost our parakeet and my daughter doesn't understand...
My grandfather (Papa) is also 92 and having severe trouble. His Carotid Artery is 75-99% blocked and they don't know if he can handle the surgery to fix it. Aryanna and I are both extremely close to him, and I don't know how to handle it with my daughter (not to mention personally).
My grandfather (Papa) is also 92 and having severe trouble. His Carotid Artery is 75-99% blocked and they don't know if he can handle the surgery to fix it. Aryanna and I are both extremely close to him, and I don't know how to handle it with my daughter (not to mention personally).
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Jens4him on -
That is so tough. We lost grampa last year, and we had an 11, 9 and 4 yo. The older two understand the concept of heaven, but the 4 year old didn't understand. He will still ask for him sometimes, or make a comment when we drive by the graveyard that a lot of people have died there. He also has the fear of going to the hospital because he thinks you die there. We've really had a struggle with this, but I just try to answer him the same every time he brings it up, and we talk about Heaven, and being able to see Grampa again in Heaven. Then he starts asking me if we'll drive cars and what we'll eat in Heaven. It's always something! Death is just a hard thing to grasp for kids, so I wish you luck.
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Permalink Reply by Bridget on -
You can try using a social story about death
Death of a love one
The story
Everyone and everything that is alive dies at some time.
Death is part of life.
When someone dies, everything inside that person stops.
The heart stops.
The breathing stops.
They cannot feel any hurt.
They cannot feel hot or cold.
When someone dies, they do not have any life insider their body anymore.
Just the body is left...
like a peanut shell without the peanut.
When someone dies people feel sad.
Feeling sad is OK.
People feel sad because the person that died is gone.
When someone dies people cry.
Crying is OK.
Sometimes after you cry you don't feel as sad.
In a few days or weeks you may not feel as sad.
Time helps you feel better.
It's OK to feel better.
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Permalink Reply by geekmom on -
Laura, I'm so sorry to hear about your Papa's illness and the death of your parakeet. :-(
I think that reading a book together is a really effective way to teach hard concepts to small children. When my daughter was small and struggling to understand the death of her great-grandmother, a lot of friends suggested a book called "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf" - here is a link to it on Amazon. There seem to be a lot of other picture books and story books linked on that page so you may find something else that's more suitable for your daughter.
Best of luck to both of you.
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Permalink Reply by Danielle Cash on -
Children, while often confused by the disappearance of someone or something, are very resiliant. My 3 year olds pet fish died and I tried to explain to her the concept of heaven. I felt that she would be able to cope better if she thought that Nemo went to a happy place where he was going to be taken care of. So, while explaining "heaven" to her...she asked "Who's Kevin?" Obviously she misunderstood. So I tried again. But still she kept insisting that her Nemo went off to live happily ever after with someone named Kevin. So, shortly after that when my husbands Grandmother passed away, she was the most caring child. She explained to everyone that grandma was ok. She had just gone to live with Kevin. And one day we will all get to go to Kevin's house and have a big party with Grandma and Nemo. I know that one day she will need more detail, but at 3 this is a great start. Children understand at different levels. Only give them what they can comprehend and let them ask questions. For most people, including children, open communication is the best way to deal with any issues.
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Permalink Reply by Lisa Survillas on -
When we lost my grandpa 3 years ago my kids were 6 and 5. My grandpa was VERY close to my kids. It was hard. But he died at home and my mom and I took care of him around the clock. The kids were allowed to see whatever they were comfortable with. He was in a coma, but seemed less agitated when the kids were in the room talking to us or him. When they kissed him, his eyelids fluttered. It was a WONDERFUL experience. I watched my grandpa take his last breath, my daughter didn't want to be awaken if she was asleep. When the kids woke up the next morning, we sat with his body for a few moments, prayed, and talked about what the next steps were. We explained cremation as wood burning in a fireplace, but that it doesn't hurt the person because GOD already took all the feelings away and now it was just a shell of a body. My son wanted to touch the ashes when the box came home...we let him. We figured if he was able to go through his feelings on his own that it wouldn't be a bad experience. We made him wash his hands as soon as he was done. He was burried at the Military Cemetery here in Riverside, CA where we live. THe kids were both sick the day we burried his ashes (had a service on a seperate day due to family from out of town not being available) it was my mom, my aunt, me, and my kids. The cemetary people let the kids put the dirt on top of him. They really enjoyed it and felt so important for doing so. My son has the flag and shell casings on his wall with a pic of my gpa from his days in the Navy and talks about my gpa all the time. We visit his grave often...mostly for a minute or two only, but when the kids ask, we go (it is very close to us). All round it was the BEST experience I could have asked for with my kids. They are not afraid of death and I think it was because we allowed them to be a part of it and talked about every step. If they are old enough to ask the questions, then they are old enough for the answers. I sure hope that the experience is a good one for you and your kids too! Best of luck and you and your family are in my prayers.
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Permalink Reply by Melissa Lowe on -
My oldest daughter was 3 when my best friends mother passed away. She knew her and knew that Rita and I were very sad, but I don't know if she understood. I told her the standard "Mieko is in heaven" and brought her with me to the funeral. I know people are often very uncomfortable with small children at a funeral but I think it can help kids understand some of the process. It can also help other people see that life does go on and children can often help bring people out of extreme sorrow.
It was a different experience however because my daughter kept saying to leave seats open for Mieko because she was sitting there. "Don't sit there, that's for Rita's Mother." Stuff like that all day. She would even give things to the place she said Mieko would be. I don't know what she thought or if she was really seeing her or if this may have helped her deal with Mieko's passing. I decided to handle it in as much of a "hands off" way as I could. Respect her pain and confusion and tell her my beliefs on what happened.
Most of the time, when death comes we just have to keep living (as trite as that may sound). It's what our loved ones would have wanted. Taking time to remember people (with pictures, memories, items) can help reassure us and repeating where those who have already passed have gone can help your lil one and yourself get through the toughest moments.
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