Helping your child deal with the loss of a loved one

Rating: 5 after 1 vote

I know this is a heavy topic but I hope that people will respond and not look away. I am the mother of 4: a 17 y.o. son, 10 y.o. twin daughters and a 19 year old son who was killed in an auto accident on 10/12/08. My children miss their brother and exhibit their grief in different ways.

Today one of my daughters came home talking about a movie she watched in science and how it upset her because part of it showed a shipwreck and talked about the deaths that happened. She left the room crying and her teacher apologized to her. She was still in tears when I picked her up. I want to know how others help their children through grief as they themselves are grieving. I know for me when my children hurt, I absorb their pain.

Tags: a, child, children, comforting, grieve, helping, losing, sibling, your

▶ Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by lisa sperou turner on October 17, 2009 at 12:17am: i lost my husband when my daughter was 2 and son was 12. A lot depends on your faith, and how you are handling it. Do you tell the kids the seperation is only temporary and they can honor his memory with their own lives? Is he in Heaven and do you read right out of the bible with the kids and pray so that God can provide the 'peace that surpasses all understanding'? God did it for us. Ask Him, He'll do it for ya'll too.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Pamela Babcock on October 17, 2009 at 9:32am: Dear Jacqueline,

My heart goes out to you and your family in this very painful time. I do agree with Lisa that faith can and does help so many through these kind of experiences, and she is right, ask God to bring that peace and He will. I have experienced His comfort as a "blanket around my shoulders" until he lifted it gradually as I was ready.
Helping your children through this is a substantial challenge, yet it will make you a stronger family in the years to come. Some communities now have specialized grief support groups/experiences for children. I would see if there is one near you. I would call the Hospice center in your area to see if they can refer you to this specialized care. Beyond that, I would share that the day to day, moment by moment grieving is important to first acknowledge, to talk it out as much as is needed. To be able to say, "I know honey that this is so painful and so difficult to face, let's do this together". Let's find the help that we need when we need it. Set aside five minutes or more together each day to remember your son with your other children. To remember your son and their brother through keeping some of the things that were important to him is valuable now and even more down the road. Keep things that were important to him whether a basketball or t-shirt or dvd. It is important to care for your children, but you must care for yourself first. Eat well, seek comfort in talking with people for yourself first, take a walk everyday, learn to meditate to still all that is happening inside. Stay away from those things that "mute" the pain, i.e. alcohol, overeating, emotional retreat. Feel free to contact me for prayer and more support if you would like to.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Jacqueline Moore on October 17, 2009 at 1:07pm: Thank you both for your wonderful kind words. Our family keeps going and we have done many of the things you have suggested. I'm hoping that this discussion can become a virtual support group of sorts allowing those with grieving children to share their own journeys and how they've helped their children. My family just marked the milestone of living one year without our dear son/brother. I've helped my daughters write letters to their brother and had a friend make quilts for them and for my husband and I made from Jordan's clothes. I am writing about my mourning journey and would be honored if you would take a look. http://alwaysmomof4.wordpress.com/

Thank you for offering support. I will try to remember the hardest part, remembering to take care of myself.

Pamela Babcock said:
Dear Jacqueline,

My heart goes out to you and your family in this very painful time. I do agree with Lisa that faith can and does help so many through these kind of experiences, and she is right, ask God to bring that peace and He will. I have experienced His comfort as a "blanket around my shoulders" until he lifted it gradually as I was ready.
Helping your children through this is a substantial challenge, yet it will make you a stronger family in the years to come. Some communities now have specialized grief support groups/experiences for children. I would see if there is one near you. I would call the Hospice center in your area to see if they can refer you to this specialized care. Beyond that, I would share that the day to day, moment by moment grieving is important to first acknowledge, to talk it out as much as is needed. To be able to say, "I know honey that this is so painful and so difficult to face, let's do this together". Let's find the help that we need when we need it. Set aside five minutes or more together each day to remember your son with your other children. To remember your son and their brother through keeping some of the things that were important to him is valuable now and even more down the road. Keep things that were important to him whether a basketball or t-shirt or dvd. It is important to care for your children, but you must care for yourself first. Eat well, seek comfort in talking with people for yourself first, take a walk everyday, learn to meditate to still all that is happening inside. Stay away from those things that "mute" the pain, i.e. alcohol, overeating, emotional retreat. Feel free to contact me for prayer and more support if you would like to.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Lorna Darden on October 17, 2009 at 1:28pm: I'm so sorry for your lost, but I have not experienced this. I just had to come by and add a reply. I 'm so, so sorry and I wish you and your family the best of luck. Your children should know that their brother is in a better place and whatever they are feeling let it out it makes things a little better. Sometimes people greieve forever they just find another and better way to do it. Good Luck and Bless You and Your Family; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Pamela Babcock on October 17, 2009 at 1:29pm: Dear Jacqueline again,

I was praying for you and wanted to learn more about you. When I went to your profile and clicked on your blog link and started reading I was quite amazed. When I first replied, I did not realize it had been a year ago this October 12th when Jordan died. I kept reading and began to realize that you have a gift for writing through your grief that is a blessing to be shared. I hope others will read and learn more about your journey and how far you and your precious family have come in one year. I don't know how to answer your particular question about helping your children to grieve even as you grieve yourself. Perhaps another reader can answer that for you. I love that you did make a meditation garden to remember Jordan and that he will always be in your hearts. Thank you for sharing so profoundly, pb.

Pamela Babcock said:
Dear Jacqueline,

My heart goes out to you and your family in this very painful time. I do agree with Lisa that faith can and does help so many through these kind of experiences, and she is right, ask God to bring that peace and He will. I have experienced His comfort as a "blanket around my shoulders" until he lifted it gradually as I was ready.
Helping your children through this is a substantial challenge, yet it will make you a stronger family in the years to come. Some communities now have specialized grief support groups/experiences for children. I would see if there is one near you. I would call the Hospice center in your area to see if they can refer you to this specialized care. Beyond that, I would share that the day to day, moment by moment grieving is important to first acknowledge, to talk it out as much as is needed. To be able to say, "I know honey that this is so painful and so difficult to face, let's do this together". Let's find the help that we need when we need it. Set aside five minutes or more together each day to remember your son with your other children. To remember your son and their brother through keeping some of the things that were important to him is valuable now and even more down the road. Keep things that were important to him whether a basketball or t-shirt or dvd. It is important to care for your children, but you must care for yourself first. Eat well, seek comfort in talking with people for yourself first, take a walk everyday, learn to meditate to still all that is happening inside. Stay away from those things that "mute" the pain, i.e. alcohol, overeating, emotional retreat. Feel free to contact me for prayer and more support if you would like to.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Pamela Babcock on October 17, 2009 at 7:26pm: Dear Jacqueline,

I do agree that there is a tremendous need out there for this kind of support and networking. A virtual support group is a great idea. For many people who are grieving, the knowledge that they are not alone is very helpful, as well as the process of becoming an encouragement to others is valuable and healing. Our community was rocked last Oct 28th when one of our recent High School grads was killed in a car accident on the way to college. Nikki was loved by many, just as your son Jordan and she also left behind three younger siblings. This last Saturday 186 from the community came together for a 5K run/walk to remember Nikki who was a cross-country runner and involved in other sports, by joining together in a Fundraiser for St. Jude Childrens' Hospital. They asked for $21.00 to participate since her jersey was always 21 for track and volleyball. Although we were not able to be there due to another commitment, I know this was a very healing event for Nikki's mom, dad, siblings and many friends. Nikki had a huge heart for others and would have been joy-filled in knowing that thousands of dollars were going to such a worthy cause and that her family and friends laughed and cried as they remembered Nikki together. I wish that we could have been there! Hopefully next year! I share this to provide a glimpse of what one other family is doing and how they are keeping together and remembering the joy that Nikki brought to them all. I don't know if her mom is into twittering, etc. But I will let her know that you are here. May the quilt from Jordan's clothes keep you warm and comforted as you continue on in this journey. Blessings, Pamela

Jacqueline Moore said:
Thank you both for your wonderful kind words. Our family keeps going and we have done many of the things you have suggested. I'm hoping that this discussion can become a virtual support group of sorts allowing those with grieving children to share their own journeys and how they've helped their children. My family just marked the milestone of living one year without our dear son/brother. I've helped my daughters write letters to their brother and had a friend make quilts for them and for my husband and I made from Jordan's clothes. I am writing about my mourning journey and would be honored if you would take a look. http://alwaysmomof4.wordpress.com/

Thank you for offering support. I will try to remember the hardest part, remembering to take care of myself.

Pamela Babcock said:
Dear Jacqueline,

My heart goes out to you and your family in this very painful time. I do agree with Lisa that faith can and does help so many through these kind of experiences, and she is right, ask God to bring that peace and He will. I have experienced His comfort as a "blanket around my shoulders" until he lifted it gradually as I was ready.
Helping your children through this is a substantial challenge, yet it will make you a stronger family in the years to come. Some communities now have specialized grief support groups/experiences for children. I would see if there is one near you. I would call the Hospice center in your area to see if they can refer you to this specialized care. Beyond that, I would share that the day to day, moment by moment grieving is important to first acknowledge, to talk it out as much as is needed. To be able to say, "I know honey that this is so painful and so difficult to face, let's do this together". Let's find the help that we need when we need it. Set aside five minutes or more together each day to remember your son with your other children. To remember your son and their brother through keeping some of the things that were important to him is valuable now and even more down the road. Keep things that were important to him whether a basketball or t-shirt or dvd. It is important to care for your children, but you must care for yourself first. Eat well, seek comfort in talking with people for yourself first, take a walk everyday, learn to meditate to still all that is happening inside. Stay away from those things that "mute" the pain, i.e. alcohol, overeating, emotional retreat. Feel free to contact me for prayer and more support if you would like to.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Ruth Edensor on October 18, 2009 at 1:03pm: Hi Jacqueline,
So sorry to hear about your sorrow. I am no expert but my friend used to work with children who had lost a close family member she used to tell me that they always made beautiful memory boxes with them to fill of their special memories of this person they had lost It may be an old shoe box filled with photos old toys or anything that was relevant and special. She said they responded well and that they did alot of talking and keeping their memory alive. They also used to write a message to the person they had lost and send it attached to a helium ballon and let it go. May be you would like to try these out or have already done them.
All the very best to you and your family and lots of love xxx

Pamela Babcock said:
Dear Jacqueline,

I do agree that there is a tremendous need out there for this kind of support and networking. A virtual support group is a great idea. For many people who are grieving, the knowledge that they are not alone is very helpful, as well as the process of becoming an encouragement to others is valuable and healing. Our community was rocked last Oct 28th when one of our recent High School grads was killed in a car accident on the way to college. Nikki was loved by many, just as your son Jordan and she also left behind three younger siblings. This last Saturday 186 from the community came together for a 5K run/walk to remember Nikki who was a cross-country runner and involved in other sports, by joining together in a Fundraiser for St. Jude Childrens' Hospital. They asked for $21.00 to participate since her jersey was always 21 for track and volleyball. Although we were not able to be there due to another commitment, I know this was a very healing event for Nikki's mom, dad, siblings and many friends. Nikki had a huge heart for others and would have been joy-filled in knowing that thousands of dollars were going to such a worthy cause and that her family and friends laughed and cried as they remembered Nikki together. I wish that we could have been there! Hopefully next year! I share this to provide a glimpse of what one other family is doing and how they are keeping together and remembering the joy that Nikki brought to them all. I don't know if her mom is into twittering, etc. But I will let her know that you are here. May the quilt from Jordan's clothes keep you warm and comforted as you continue on in this journey. Blessings, Pamela

Jacqueline Moore said:
Thank you both for your wonderful kind words. Our family keeps going and we have done many of the things you have suggested. I'm hoping that this discussion can become a virtual support group of sorts allowing those with grieving children to share their own journeys and how they've helped their children. My family just marked the milestone of living one year without our dear son/brother. I've helped my daughters write letters to their brother and had a friend make quilts for them and for my husband and I made from Jordan's clothes. I am writing about my mourning journey and would be honored if you would take a look. http://alwaysmomof4.wordpress.com/

Thank you for offering support. I will try to remember the hardest part, remembering to take care of myself.

Pamela Babcock said:
Dear Jacqueline,

My heart goes out to you and your family in this very painful time. I do agree with Lisa that faith can and does help so many through these kind of experiences, and she is right, ask God to bring that peace and He will. I have experienced His comfort as a "blanket around my shoulders" until he lifted it gradually as I was ready.
Helping your children through this is a substantial challenge, yet it will make you a stronger family in the years to come. Some communities now have specialized grief support groups/experiences for children. I would see if there is one near you. I would call the Hospice center in your area to see if they can refer you to this specialized care. Beyond that, I would share that the day to day, moment by moment grieving is important to first acknowledge, to talk it out as much as is needed. To be able to say, "I know honey that this is so painful and so difficult to face, let's do this together". Let's find the help that we need when we need it. Set aside five minutes or more together each day to remember your son with your other children. To remember your son and their brother through keeping some of the things that were important to him is valuable now and even more down the road. Keep things that were important to him whether a basketball or t-shirt or dvd. It is important to care for your children, but you must care for yourself first. Eat well, seek comfort in talking with people for yourself first, take a walk everyday, learn to meditate to still all that is happening inside. Stay away from those things that "mute" the pain, i.e. alcohol, overeating, emotional retreat. Feel free to contact me for prayer and more support if you would like to.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Christine is motivated on October 18, 2009 at 8:20pm: I would like to say sorry for your families loss, I do know what you are going through. I had lost my daughters father just 6 months after she was born. My daughter since about grade 3 has had difficulty of not knowing her father. I am not the best one she can really turn to because I get angry at him for leaving me to raise our daughter on my own for the past 15 years and also for him hurting our babygirl the way he has. She still hurt, specially around fathers day, and Christmas. All I can really do is hold our daughter when she is feeling down about him not being with us and for her not being able to getting to know him, well I talk to her the best I can and answer any question she has about him or find someone who can answer the question for her. I sure hope that you and your family can get the help you all need to get through these bad times

Christine; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Kathi Evans on October 19, 2009 at 3:12am: Dear Jacqueline,

My heart breaks for your loss and the struggle of trying to heal and find some normalcy in life. I agree 100% with those who have directed you God. He is our shelter in storms and our strength. The Bible tells us that we have not because we ask not. Ask Him for wisdom, He has tons!

Years ago my husband and I lost a baby at 16 weeks in the pregnancy when my son was 5 years old. One of the other things that helped us through this difficult time was to talk about our baby, my son's brother. So many are afraid to talk about the loved one we've lost. Your son is and always will be a part of your family and I encourage you to celebrate that by including him in family conversations.

Please know that I am praying for you that you and your family will be comforted by the God of all comfort.

Yours in loss and healing,
Kathi; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Felicia on October 19, 2009 at 5:36am: Jacqueline

I can't even begin to fathom the grief you and your family have gone through and continues to be bombarded with daily. I can say that the one thing that gives me joy in the storm is my Savior (much like many of the others have indicated and you yourself have as well).

I guess the important thing to remember about grief is the fact that it is much like a roller coaster. One day you might start thinking... "I'm doing good...I'm getting through this" and the very next day you are taken to your knees. I think it is important that your kids understand that this will happen to them as well.

It may be that your daughter had this heavy on her mind since it was right around the time of the one year anniversary. I do think it is important to find a good grief counselor as well whether that be a community counselor, school counselor, or pastor.

It does sound like you deal with the grief by writing. What are your kids talents? Maybe they express themselves with writing, art, etc? Any of those ways can help. With the kids I work with, we have even put together memory scrap books. There are also several different books about losing a loved one depending on the age. Most school counselors also run grief groups that your school aged children could be a part of.

I know that you already know these things, but like you said, this could be a wonderful place for a support group to happen!

Please know that you and your family are in my prayers.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Toni Lawrence on October 19, 2009 at 6:01am: I am sorry for your pain. I can tell you it does get easier to deal with in time, but in the meantime it is very important that you keep the lines of communication open with your children. Talk about your son, and things he liked and would be proud of them for. Many people think if they don't talk about the loved one who has passed it will be easier. It is not.

My husband died in a hunting accident in 1994. My children were 9, 12, 14 and 24. It was my daughter's 12th birthday. We did go to family counseling for a year, which did help. Don't be afraid to ask for help, and there are places to go where the cost is very small, or they don't charge at all.

It's been 15 years and we still talk about things he would have liked, and how he would have loved his grandchildren. Keeping their memory alive does not make the grief harder. You focus on the memories you have, things you shared, and ways to live your life that would make them proud of you. Don't act like they never existed by not talking about them. Their life was a part of yours, and you need to included them in your discussion. Maybe you can talk to your children about setting up some kind of memorial for them. If you can't afford helping others in their name (charity) set up a time during the week when you can talk about his life, his dreams, and how they can live their lives to make him proud. One thing I have found is that no two people grieve the same, and their is no "normal" way to do it. Don't be afraid to cry and share. It helps the process.

I hope this helps.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Jacqueline Moore on October 19, 2009 at 7:32am: All of your comments are relevant and helpful. I hope others who are helping children grieve the loss of a loved one are also checking in. I am blessed that my family is able to speak freely not only about our grief but also the wonderful memories of my son. I have a posting entitled "Say His Name" on my blog: http://alwaysmomof4.wordpress.com/ that explains it far better than I can in this space. I hope you will take a look.

Toni Lawrence said:
I am sorry for your pain. I can tell you it does get easier to deal with in time, but in the meantime it is very important that you keep the lines of communication open with your children. Talk about your son, and things he liked and would be proud of them for. Many people think if they don't talk about the loved one who has passed it will be easier. It is not.

My husband died in a hunting accident in 1994. My children were 9, 12, 14 and 24. It was my daughter's 12th birthday. We did go to family counseling for a year, which did help. Don't be afraid to ask for help, and there are places to go where the cost is very small, or they don't charge at all.

It's been 15 years and we still talk about things he would have liked, and how he would have loved his grandchildren. Keeping their memory alive does not make the grief harder. You focus on the memories you have, things you shared, and ways to live your life that would make them proud of you. Don't act like they never existed by not talking about them. Their life was a part of yours, and you need to included them in your discussion. Maybe you can talk to your children about setting up some kind of memorial for them. If you can't afford helping others in their name (charity) set up a time during the week when you can talk about his life, his dreams, and how they can live their lives to make him proud. One thing I have found is that no two people grieve the same, and their is no "normal" way to do it. Don't be afraid to cry and share. It helps the process.

I hope this helps.; ▶ Reply to This