Helping your child deal with the loss of a loved one

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Permalink Reply by Suzanne Shaffer on October 20, 2009 at 1:39pm

Jacqueline,
I just read your entire blog. I can't even begin to tell you how it moved me. Your son was a fine young man. It's unfathomable to think or even know what you are going through. Your family is strong and in his own way, Jordan, even in his death, has been a part of that strength.

My children dealt with death at very young ages and I can tell you that it's never easy. One thing I did learn was the each of them had their own way of grieving. My son would climb up onto the roof to be alone and talk to God, even yell sometimes, just to release his emotions. My daughter would want to be distracted and then all of a sudden something would happen and she would fall completely apart. Keeping it inside is the worst any of you can do. The memories are the things that will get your kids through...and it won't be a year or even two. It might be a lifetime, but the pain will be more bearable and the memories will finally invoke more happiness than sorrow.

God bless you and your family. You are indeed a very strong woman and you have raised some amazing children. And yes...you will ALWAYS be a mother of 4!

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Permalink Reply by Jacqueline Moore on October 20, 2009 at 2:44pm

Thank you Suzanne for your thoughts about my blog and for sharing your own experiences. I really needed to hear your words today. Today is my younger son's birthday. Today he is 17, his birthday just 8 days after the anniversary of his brother's death. His brother was/is his best friend. I watch as he struggles to enjoy his birthday even as he misses the one person who would make the day complete. I pray with time that the pain of birthdays and holidays without Jordan will lessen.
Jacqueline

Suzanne Shaffer said:

Jacqueline,
I just read your entire blog. I can't even begin to tell you how it moved me. Your son was a fine young man. It's unfathomable to think or even know what you are going through. Your family is strong and in his own way, Jordan, even in his death, has been a part of that strength.

My children dealt with death at very young ages and I can tell you that it's never easy. One thing I did learn was the each of them had their own way of grieving. My son would climb up onto the roof to be alone and talk to God, even yell sometimes, just to release his emotions. My daughter would want to be distracted and then all of a sudden something would happen and she would fall completely apart. Keeping it inside is the worst any of you can do. The memories are the things that will get your kids through...and it won't be a year or even two. It might be a lifetime, but the pain will be more bearable and the memories will finally invoke more happiness than sorrow.

God bless you and your family. You are indeed a very strong woman and you have raised some amazing children. And yes...you will ALWAYS be a mother of 4!

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Permalink Reply by Angie Breidenbach on October 20, 2009 at 6:42pm

My dad told me something when I lost my grandpa. (He'd helped raise me.) He said grief ebbs and flows like the ocean. Sometimes it feels like you're drowning and sometimes it feels like you're playing in the surf with the waves tickling your ankles.

I think you can help your children by letting them know there are days that it hurts so bad someone has to swim out in that grief and help them back to shore. Then there are really fun times when the memories of their brother will make them laugh like the water tickling their ankles in the sunshine.

Teach them to reach out when they are feeling in over their heads and teach them to reach out when they can share the laughter. Normalize reaching out for both. Normalize the talking so that they pour out their feelings and learn to cope. Hiding it makes it impossible to manage. Sharing it helps. That's the message I learned. I hope it helps you too.

God Bless,
Angie Breidenbach

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Permalink Reply by Jacqueline Moore on October 20, 2009 at 7:09pm

Angie what a beautiful metaphor your dad shared with you. It is an image I will share with my children and other friends who have lost loved ones. I hope when you get a chance you'll take a look at my blog http://alwaysmomof4.wordpress.com/ your dad reminds me a lot of mine. I share his story in my post "Say His Name".

All the best,
Jacqueline

Angie Breidenbach said:

My dad told me something when I lost my grandpa. (He'd helped raise me.) He said grief ebbs and flows like the ocean. Sometimes it feels like you're drowning and sometimes it feels like you're playing in the surf with the waves tickling your ankles.

I think you can help your children by letting them know there are days that it hurts so bad someone has to swim out in that grief and help them back to shore. Then there are really fun times when the memories of their brother will make them laugh like the water tickling their ankles in the sunshine.

Teach them to reach out when they are feeling in over their heads and teach them to reach out when they can share the laughter. Normalize reaching out for both. Normalize the talking so that they pour out their feelings and learn to cope. Hiding it makes it impossible to manage. Sharing it helps. That's the message I learned. I hope it helps you too.

God Bless,
Angie Breidenbach

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Permalink Reply by Angie Breidenbach on October 20, 2009 at 7:31pm

Thanks, Jacqueline, I will go check out your blog :-)
I invite you to mine: http://GodUsesBrokenVessels.blogspot.com

Best wishes :-)
Angie

Jacqueline Moore said:

Angie what a beautiful metaphor your dad shared with you. It is an image I will share with my children and other friends who have lost loved ones. I hope when you get a chance you'll take a look at my blog http://alwaysmomof4.wordpress.com/ your dad reminds me a lot of mine. I share his story in my post "Say His Name".

All the best,
Jacqueline

Angie Breidenbach said:

My dad told me something when I lost my grandpa. (He'd helped raise me.) He said grief ebbs and flows like the ocean. Sometimes it feels like you're drowning and sometimes it feels like you're playing in the surf with the waves tickling your ankles.

I think you can help your children by letting them know there are days that it hurts so bad someone has to swim out in that grief and help them back to shore. Then there are really fun times when the memories of their brother will make them laugh like the water tickling their ankles in the sunshine.

Teach them to reach out when they are feeling in over their heads and teach them to reach out when they can share the laughter. Normalize reaching out for both. Normalize the talking so that they pour out their feelings and learn to cope. Hiding it makes it impossible to manage. Sharing it helps. That's the message I learned. I hope it helps you too.

God Bless,
Angie Breidenbach

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Permalink Reply by Babysitterdirectory.com.au on October 20, 2009 at 7:31pm

Jacqueline so sorry to hear about your loss. My experience is that of a child who lost her brother. When I was 12 I lost my 16 year old brother to a rare childhood cancer after a three year battle. As you can imagine by parents were absolutely devastated (and always will be I think) and really were not available for either myself, or my other siblings. The two key things I remember in the months following the loss were:

Horrible nightmares about what stage of decomposition the body was at. Could not get the sound of the dirt hitting the coffin out of my head and nightmares that my parents were going to die and leave me.Being aware that I needed to "appear" strong so as not to upset parents causing in the long run only more grief to me.

My parents are religious but personally at the time I found religion offered me no comfort. So all the rosaries and prayers my parents said just washed over me.

Children perceive the loss of a loved one and especially a sibling in a very different way than adults. Although you understand the loss is permanent at 13 years old, the concept that your brother who last week was teasing you is now gone - forever - is very hard for a child to get their head around.

Only time, being there as much as you can for your child is what you can do. If you find it all too hard as you will also be coping with enormous grief then I would seriously consider counselling for your child. It would be a way for her to offload how she feels in a safe environment without guilt. You might also want to speak to a counsellor yourself if you have not done so already.

There is a long, long journey ahead for you and your family Jacqueline. My best wishes and thoughts to you and your family.

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Permalink Reply by Beth Ann Bentley on October 20, 2009 at 8:56pm

My children are much younger than yours: 11, 9, 7 & 5. Two years ago my sister lost her battle with depression and substance abuse. She was a great aunt and loved my children very much. She saw them as often as she could and my older three have very fond memories of her. Over the last two years when death related subjects have come up in class, their teachers have reported that they started to cry and were very hard to console. Of course, my children do not know that the end of her life was at her own hand, but they do know that she made bad choices that resulted in her body being too sick and her heart eventually stopped.

They talk of her often, they all have something of hers they cherish, they can talk to me any time they want, and are allowed to feel sad and have a good cry. The also know that their aunt loved them and that she would want them to be happy and do well at school and have fun with friends and not be sad for her. We are not a religious family however I do say that she is looking down on them from above and watching over them. It helps. What also helps is that they know I miss her too, a lot and know how they feel when they are sad, sometimes having a cry together helps too.

Let the kids have their moments of sadness, it is normal; share your feeling with them too. It may help for them to know how your are feeling to. But this is laymen advice, you should really ask a councilor if your are concerned.

Good Luck and I am so sorry for your loss.

BA

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Permalink Reply by Marion Jones on October 20, 2009 at 10:45pm

Jacqueline,

First I would like to say that I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved son. It was a divine appointment that the Lord lead me to this article on Twittermoms. He just gave me another opportunity to minister his Word, and his love to you and your family. I just started to pray for you and your family that the Lord gives you his strength, and his peace that passes all understanding. God has truly blessed you to be a blessing to your children. Just continue to be strong for your kids, and let them know that you are always their when they need you. I will keep you and your family in prayer, but remember you have people that care about you and your family, and as a Christian, if you hurt, I hurt. But, continue to trust God, and know that God loves you and your family, and that he has never ever left you, or forsaken you. If you need me to say a prayer for you, or your children, just tweet me! :) I will be happy to intercede in prayer for you or your family for any needs you may have. Continue to think about all the wonderful memories that you all had together as a family, and preverse those memories, for the Lord gave them to you, and no one can take them from you. Blessings to you and your family always. God Bless!

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Permalink Reply by Jacqueline Moore on October 21, 2009 at 6:39am

I will definitely read your blog. Thank you and God bless.

Angie Breidenbach said:

Thanks, Jacqueline, I will go check out your blog :-)
I invite you to mine: http://GodUsesBrokenVessels.blogspot.com

Best wishes :-)
Angie

Jacqueline Moore said:

Angie what a beautiful metaphor your dad shared with you. It is an image I will share with my children and other friends who have lost loved ones. I hope when you get a chance you'll take a look at my blog http://alwaysmomof4.wordpress.com/ your dad reminds me a lot of mine. I share his story in my post "Say His Name".

All the best,
Jacqueline

Angie Breidenbach said:

My dad told me something when I lost my grandpa. (He'd helped raise me.) He said grief ebbs and flows like the ocean. Sometimes it feels like you're drowning and sometimes it feels like you're playing in the surf with the waves tickling your ankles.

I think you can help your children by letting them know there are days that it hurts so bad someone has to swim out in that grief and help them back to shore. Then there are really fun times when the memories of their brother will make them laugh like the water tickling their ankles in the sunshine.

Teach them to reach out when they are feeling in over their heads and teach them to reach out when they can share the laughter. Normalize reaching out for both. Normalize the talking so that they pour out their feelings and learn to cope. Hiding it makes it impossible to manage. Sharing it helps. That's the message I learned. I hope it helps you too.

God Bless,
Angie Breidenbach

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Permalink Reply by Elyse G on October 21, 2009 at 11:34am

Hi Jacqueline, I totally understand what you're feeling right now! I had the same experience with my son when he was 6 yrs old (now 11) his teacher had given him some hermit crabs when they were getting our for summer break. The good thing was that she informed me that they don't have a long life so I was prepared for the day. low and behold one of the crabs died during mid winter and my child was devastated he cried as if it was a member of our family and at that moment I realized that to him his hermit crab was a member of the family and that he did not handle death well. At that early age I sat him down and explained to him that death could come upon anyone of us at any moment and I gave him scenerios such as accident, sickness, and natural causes. I also told him that it never gets easy when we lose a loved one but we have to keep them in our hearts and memories and remember the good times we had with them. As hard as it may be sit down with your babies and talk with them about their older brother. Have them talk about all the things that he did which brought happiness and laughter in your lives. Tell them that because of all the happiness and love he gave you all GOD needed him to give that to the angels above. Tell them that he is watching over you all and keeping you safe and he is always there with you in your hearts. remember the loss of your son is still recent and real. If that doesn't help seek family counseling to learn how to deal with the grief. I hope I was of help and my prayers are with you and your family.
Elyse

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Permalink Reply by Jacqueline Moore on October 21, 2009 at 8:10pm

Elyse,
I know your words are meant to be helpful and you are blessed that your family has not dealt with a significant loss. As a matter of etiquette I have to tell you that the one thing a parent who has lost a child does not want to hear is "I know how you feel" if they haven't experienced the death of one of their children. I had to explain this same fact to my own mother. She thought she was being comforting as I cried and she would say, " I know". I finally had to tell her, "Mom, you can't know how I feel because you're talking to your child right now."

Thank you for offering comfort but I'm sure that while your son has gotten past the death of the hermit crabs, my children will forever miss their brother. Please if you have time, I would be honored if you would take a look at my blog http://alwaysmomof4.wordpress.com/. It details better than I can here the mourning journey of my family. The post entitled-"Learning from Each Other" talks about my children's grief and how as a family we support and comfort each other.

Best,
Jacqueline

Elyse G said:

Hi Jacqueline, I totally understand what you're feeling right now! I had the same experience with my son when he was 6 yrs old (now 11) his teacher had given him some hermit crabs when they were getting our for summer break. The good thing was that she informed me that they don't have a long life so I was prepared for the day. low and behold one of the crabs died during mid winter and my child was devastated he cried as if it was a member of our family and at that moment I realized that to him his hermit crab was a member of the family and that he did not handle death well. At that early age I sat him down and explained to him that death could come upon anyone of us at any moment and I gave him scenerios such as accident, sickness, and natural causes. I also told him that it never gets easy when we lose a loved one but we have to keep them in our hearts and memories and remember the good times we had with them. As hard as it may be sit down with your babies and talk with them about their older brother. Have them talk about all the things that he did which brought happiness and laughter in your lives. Tell them that because of all the happiness and love he gave you all GOD needed him to give that to the angels above. Tell them that he is watching over you all and keeping you safe and he is always there with you in your hearts. remember the loss of your son is still recent and real. If that doesn't help seek family counseling to learn how to deal with the grief. I hope I was of help and my prayers are with you and your family.
Elyse

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Permalink Reply by Lessa on October 23, 2009 at 4:08pm

We lost my husband of 15 years when our children were 14, 12 and 7, in August of 2005 - and we still miss him every single day. My son is a senior this year, and his teenage years were something my husband was really looking forward to experiencing. That and terrorizing our daughters' boyfriends.

It's hard. Extremely hard, and everyone grieves differently. The one consistent thing I've done throughout- starting from the moment we heard - was that we talk about him. A LOT. I let them lead the conversations, and we remember the silly stories, the touching ones, the fun and even the fights. The first year there was a lot of "remember when?" and a whole bunch of laughter. Remember that it IS ok to laugh, to do things, to have fun, to live. They'd want that for you. We laughed at the funeral. We had an old fashioned Irish Wake - complete with a keg and a bonfire, and the spreading of his ashes at his favorite campsite. We laughed a lot. We cried a lot too - but it's the laughter that carries us through, and makes it just a little easier each time we say his name, or remember something else.

No matter your faith, or lack thereof, it's important to not squash the conversations, to not write him out of your life in any way. The conversations will become fewer, with more time between them, that it'll always be there. Tell them their brother loved them, that he'd be proud of their accomplishments, that he'd want them to find happiness. If you believe that way, tell them they'll see him again. If you believe that way, tell them he's watching over them, and that he's still there for them - just differently.

And never, ever stop talking about him when they want too. Every single person grieves differently. Let them grieve as they need to, let them lead their own process. It's a lifelong deal, and while it never stops hurting completely, it does get better.

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