How do I tell my son's Grandmother that we do not go to church?

Rating: 5 after 2 votes

My son's Grandmmother is a very church/christian oriented lady. She is always asking me if I read the bible to him or if I take him to church. I just casually not answer her questions about it. I have very different views about church and the bible religions, etc....basically we do not go to church or I don't. I was raised in the church, my father is a pastor and my family are church going folks but I have different religious beliefs and it is hard to explain to people so I would rather not because I shouldn't have to. I am not athiest or anything like that. I believe God, I have faith just like the next person but as I got older I chose to believe in what I felt was right versus the forced religious beliefs I had to believe in as a kid. And now I am giving my son the option (I was not given) to learn about the Lord and choose his own path.

His grandmother is just always asking and pleading that I take him to church. I want to tell her that we do not go and why but I am tired of having to explain my beliefs or disbeliefs to christians or other religious people and then getting the unwanted feedback I could care less to hear... Everyone should be able to praise God in their own way and not be scrutinized for it but I am.

I would like her to quit asking me to take him. My son knows of church and of God. He is not unaware of the power of God. He knows we do not go to church and I explained to him why although he is too young to understand. When he gets older he has the right to praise how he wants. If church is what he wants I will gladly take him and pick him up afterwards. I feel people think I am trying to make my son like me and what I believe in and I am not. He is only almost 7 so he has no real idea of religions yet. I teach him my beliefs as well as my family"s "CHRISTIAN" way of faith because he should have the option to choose how he wants to show his devotion to God.

I am at a loss for words when his Grandmother asks me if we went to church or have I found one yet. I do not know what to say to her. Normally I am quick to tell someone why I don't attend church but because I waited so long with her to tell her, we are 7yrs into this and I have always just avoided it and now I am faced with having to tell her the truth I just don't know how! Any suggestions, advice, ideas???

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Permalink Reply by Julie Freedman Smith on April 20, 2009 at 7:28pm: Hi Monique,

This sounds like a really important issue for you - one that you have thought about for a long time. It sounds like you have some great reasons for doing what you are doing. In our company, Parenting Power, we help parents answer these kinds of questions all the time. I have a couple of suggestions:

1. Come up with a few sentences about why you don't attend church. If you believe in what you are doing, you should be able to write these down and be able to say them with confidence.

2. Initiate the conversation at a time that is good for you. You might tell her that you need to talk with her about something important and ask for some time to do it so that you are not caught off guard.

3. Begin with "I". I have something to tell you and I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable about it so I hope that you can be patient with me while I share it. I have a difficult time answering your questions about church because I know church is important to you and I don't want to let you down. My feelings are...
It's ok with me if you don't agree with them but I was tired of avoiding your questions and you are important to me so I wanted to be honest with you because I value honesty in our family.

I hope that this helps. If you need any more help, you can find me at julie@parentingpower.ca.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Robin Sampson on April 21, 2009 at 9:08am: I think I have some help for you. I blogged on this topic.

See "Why I Don't Go to Church Anymore" It got 50 comments! So you are not alone.

BTW, I do go to church and I love the fellowship and my children learn a lot. But for years I purposely avoided church from legalistic bondage-- I needed those years and grew spiritually. I've always taught my children Bible -- I have never felt tht was the churches job.

Here is my favorite quote

Blessings,
Robin; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Denise on April 21, 2009 at 2:38pm: I am in the same situation in that I live in Houston where people see church not only as a religion but as a country club plus as primary social media. People don't see you as a "person with good morals" until you announce your religion which they use to exclude you or include you. Maybe the people who go to church really really need to go.

I attended church for 18 years 2x a week for 2-3 hours each time (southern baptist girl). I feel that I have attended enough church in advance for all of the sins I haven't even thought of yet.

Tell her you have filled your churchgoing requirement for life or you can just "accidentally" let this post fall into her christian hands. Happy day and week to you and yours!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Nadia Merhai on April 21, 2009 at 9:52pm: I'm in the same boat and I tell everyone the same thing. I don't believe in limiting God to a religion, I do what my heart tells me is the right thing to do. And that's usually followed by, please don't even try to change my point of view because I don't think you'd appreciate it if I tried to change yours.... I've had to tell my own mother that and I don't know how many times. It's repetitive but necessary if you firmly believe it.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Jeanne on April 22, 2009 at 11:53am: I would just tell her "Look, we've been through this discussion around and around. I respect your beliefs so please respect mine. I will give him the choice when he is ready to make that choice. Please don't force this subject any more."

Then change the subject; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Naomi "Digitalfangirl" on April 22, 2009 at 5:39pm: I think it's important to understand Monique's issue is not with church per say rather about religious beliefs and values, so it's not as simple as find the right church for you. I really like what Betty said because this is a very personal decision; one that is not meant to please other people, but to satisfy, help and nurture your family. From the perspective of religious beliefs and values for your family (you, your husband and son); your obligation is not to your grandmother - only to you and your family and she has to respect that.

I wish you the best with this situation. I know these things get touchy, but stand strong in what you believe.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by janetta knighton on April 25, 2009 at 9:03am: have you tried a nondenominational church. Im a pk as well, and I know that can kind of sour you to the idea of "church folks". The most important thing is that we teach our children who God is. Your realationship is always the most important thing and sometimes church stuff can make people forget that. When I found my non dem. church I was so pleased. Church is not everything but it does say in the word to not forsake the assembly with fellow christians. And it is true there is something ta say for the inspiration a fellowship that you are connected with can do for you. You are the mom not her. And you dont have to explain yourself. Do whats best for your child. Seek God and he will give you just what you need. And there will be peace.; ▶ Reply to This