How do you discipline a two year old?
I'm new to Twitter and this is the first group I've joined. Does anybody have a toddler with tantrems that make it impossible for you to go out into public? Just how do you discipline a 2 year-old? Time out and sitting on her does not work. Ideas anyone?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Kathy Whitham, RN on -
Beth, It sounds like you're really looking for an answer, so I'm going to throw a different perspective into the mix. The clue is that you say your child sometimes acts like a rabid animal and comes after you. I agree that this is not the time to reason! That is because your child in this moment is literally in a state of fight or flight just like an animal would be if cornered. She is actually crying out for attention because she NEEDS your attention, like a cry for help. A 2 year old's brain development does not allow them to calm themselves down. They need a calm adult to help. Ignoring her only makes things worse. The most important thing to do is calm your own feelings of frustration, panic and losing control and the quickest way to do that in the moment is to take 3-5 deep breaths. Then just try sitting down on the floor next to her and saying nothing but continuing to breath. What have you got to lose? Let me know what happens.
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Permalink Reply by Beth Gutierrez on -
Yes you are right; confusion often comes into play because I believe that attention is what she is looking for, but what kind? I don't want to give her positive attention because I am afraid that this would encourage her even more to behave this way. I reservc my positive attention, hugs, and praise for when she is good and listens. I can't even sit next to her when she behaves this way because I too am in a state of self-defense, just prying her off me is a chore. Ironically since starting this conversation a few weeks back, she has not had a tantrum of this magnitude. Maybe it's coincidence, or from trying everyone's great advice. :)
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Permalink Reply by Lorie on -
The best thing is to IGNORE the tantrums. I know that can be really hard, but they are throwing them to get attention.
Second, figure out WHY they are throwing the tantrum. My daughter is 100 times worse when she is tired or hungry, so I make sure to keep up on that and fix the issue before the tantrums come.
How are you doing the time outs? Do you have a place that is the same? It is important to make them go to the spot as SOON as they start freaking out. That way they know that it is the consequence to the action. After two minutes I go in and talk to them and tell them why they were in time out. If they get out, take them right back.
It will be a fight for a while, but it will eventually click. It is a lot like potty training! You just have to plan time to focus on it and then make that your top priority!
Good luck! I know how frustrating it can be!
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Permalink Reply by Lorie on
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Beth Gutierrez said:Yes you are right; confusion often comes into play because I believe that attention is what she is looking for, but what kind? I don't want to give her positive attention because I am afraid that this would encourage her even more to behave this way. I reservc my positive attention, hugs, and praise for when she is good and listens. I can't even sit next to her when she behaves this way because I too am in a state of self-defense, just prying her off me is a chore. Ironically since starting this conversation a few weeks back, she has not had a tantrum of this magnitude. Maybe it's coincidence, or from trying everyone's great advice. :)
I find it helps if you pick a time frame (2 weeks) and make it your top priority to get on top of the situation. Go over board on the positive praise when they are being good for those two weeks. Thank you for being a good listener. Thank you for being patient. Your picture is beautiful!!
Then when there is a tantrum, try to limit the interaction as much as possible. When the time out is over, you can talk to them and say simply that it is a no no to do whatever they are doing and then go back to your day.
Another thing I always try to remember to do is tell them they are making bad choices (not that they are being bad) and then I always tell them I love them when the discipline is over.
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Permalink Reply by Kathy Whitham, RN on
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Beth, next time she has a tantrum, try thinking about it a little differently. For example: if she was sick and needed medicine, you would never say, "I don't want to give her medicine because it will encourage her to be sick!" That sounds crazy, right? she clings to you because she is scared and overwhelmed. Realizing she needs you because she is terrified at that moment might help you try the opposite of what your instinct for self defense is telling you. Hold her close and say "mommy's right here." and B-R-E-A-T-H. This will actually help her behave less this way over time, not more! The hardest thing is dealing with your own feelings when she acts like this, and I know how hard that can be!
You have done a great job reaching out for support and maybe your daughter is acting out less because you feel calmer knowing you have that support. Good job!
Beth Gutierrez said:Yes you are right; confusion often comes into play because I believe that attention is what she is looking for, but what kind? I don't want to give her positive attention because I am afraid that this would encourage her even more to behave this way. I reservc my positive attention, hugs, and praise for when she is good and listens. I can't even sit next to her when she behaves this way because I too am in a state of self-defense, just prying her off me is a chore. Ironically since starting this conversation a few weeks back, she has not had a tantrum of this magnitude. Maybe it's coincidence, or from trying everyone's great advice. :)
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Permalink Reply by Victoria Vieira on -
I love Kathy's advice on this :)
Time outs, to me, are a way of removing your (generic your, not "you" your) love from your child - you're making your presence conditional - if they behave as you desire, you'll be with them and your love will be there. If they do not, you withdraw yourself and your love.
One of my mantras has always been: set them up for success. I'm the grown up - I can identify triggers, head off tantrums and not set my kids up to fail. And if they do have a meltdown, I respond by holding them close and talking softly about how much I love them but I need them to make better choices so we can do _____. If all else fails, I may take away a favorite toy, but I never take myself, or my love, away.
Victoria, fab single mommy to Bean (4 years) and Miss O (22 months)
http://vickv.blogspot.com/
http://twitter.com/vickwrites
Kathy Whitham, RN said:Beth, next time she has a tantrum, try thinking about it a little differently. For example: if she was sick and needed medicine, you would never say, "I don't want to give her medicine because it will encourage her to be sick!" That sounds crazy, right? she clings to you because she is scared and overwhelmed. Realizing she needs you because she is terrified at that moment might help you try the opposite of what your instinct for self defense is telling you. Hold her close and say "mommy's right here." and B-R-E-A-T-H. This will actually help her behave less this way over time, not more! The hardest thing is dealing with your own feelings when she acts like this, and I know how hard that can be!
You have done a great job reaching out for support and maybe your daughter is acting out less because you feel calmer knowing you have that support. Good job!
Beth Gutierrez said:Yes you are right; confusion often comes into play because I believe that attention is what she is looking for, but what kind? I don't want to give her positive attention because I am afraid that this would encourage her even more to behave this way. I reservc my positive attention, hugs, and praise for when she is good and listens. I can't even sit next to her when she behaves this way because I too am in a state of self-defense, just prying her off me is a chore. Ironically since starting this conversation a few weeks back, she has not had a tantrum of this magnitude. Maybe it's coincidence, or from trying everyone's great advice. :)
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Permalink Reply by Sarah Walton on -
Hey Beth...
Not sure that anyone of us truly have the answer, ha ha. :-) Each child is different. But here is an article I wrote a little bit ago...maybe something in here will help? I hope so!! It's trial and error all the way. I do find that ignoring the bad behavior helps the most.....Sigh.
I also think the advice given here is awesome. We have a great resource in each other...thank heaven for moms. :-)
http://www.betterwaymoms.com/articles/setting-boundaries-with-toddlers
Talk soon!!
Sarah from Better Way Moms
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Permalink Reply by Wendy Sheppard on
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Hi Beth & Beth :-),
Mine too is almost 13. And I agree with Beth T. here 100%. Say no as little as possible. "Yes, you may have that piece of candy, after you have had your dinner." Or, "Yes, we can buy that piece of candy another day when we have more money (or whatever you want to fill in)."
Toddlers are constantly frustrated. They're big enough to do some things for themselves, but they're too small to do those things. A small toddler can open a door knob, but they can't always get the leverage to do it. That is very frustrating. Saying no only adds to their frustration.
Also, you have to be willing to leave when she throws a tantrum, even if you think that's actually what she wants. When you're going to the grocery store, prepare her. "We're going to the store. I expect you to cooperate and not throw tantrums." Yes, use the big words. When you do this over and over again, she'll understand what the words mean. "If you throw a tantrum, we will leave the store and sit in the car until you have calmed yourself down. Then we'll try again." When she throws the tantrum, no chances. Leave your cart, pick her up, go to the car, put her in her seat, get in the front, pick up a good book and sit back and wait. Don't engage. Don't give her attention. Don't redirect her. Make sure she's safe (actually clip her into the car seat so she can't hurt you or hurt herself). You can occasionally remind her that when she's finished, you'll go back in the store.
My suggestion is, if she pretty much always throws a tantrum in the grocery store, make sure you plan to go on a day when you have hours to spend. Does this stink? Yes. But it won't take long. If you spend hours in the car with her throwing her tantrum, eventually she'll figure out this is not very fun and she'll stop. But you have to be consistent. Set out your expectations ahead of time and always follow through.
I don't believe in time outs for kids. I believe in timeouts for things and I believe in timeouts for mommies (that is to walk away and calm down). I believe that a toddler who is throwing a tantrum needs help to feel better. Whenever my son threw a fit, I would remove him from the situation and place him in his bed. There he was more than welcome to do whatever he needed to do to feel better, including pounding his pillow or his mattress. He was not allowed to throw things and anything that got thrown went on a timeout (that's the timeout for things reference I made above). He was more than welcome to get out of bed and play with his toys. Anything as long as he was not hurting himself, hurting things, or hurting other people (in his room that wasn't possibly anyway). I always told him to let me know when he had calmed down. And I would tell him he could ask me for help calming down if he needed it. Then I would check back in every few minutes to let him know I was still there and ask if he was ready to come out yet. When he was eventually ready, we would sit and cuddle and I would tell him how proud I was of him that he was able to calm himself down.
I believe it was my job to provide an environment in his bedroom where he couldn't hurt himself. So in the event he threw something, he wouldn't hurt anything or himself. That was my job as I see it. That's the only way this technique works, especially when you have a particularly willful child.
I also made it clear to my son how I could hear him. If he was going to scream because he wanted something, I couldn't hear that. He was more than welcome to ask again when he could do so in his talking voice.
Even at almost 13, I still take mommy timeouts, and I still tell my son he is more than welcome to do what he needs to do to calm himself down and I will be here when he's ready to talk. We still sit close after there's been an issue, and we still process through what happened. The difference is, now he tells me what doesn't work for him along with me telling him what doesn't work for me. :-)
Beth Taylor said:Hi Beth, mine is now 17 and truly I had to remember what I did when he was a toddler when he was 14-16 years old. First up; be careful of the word 'no'. The more it is used. the less effective the word becomes.
Then, in a calm but firm voice remind your young one what behavior is expected. And if she does not want to hear it, you have to be willing to leave the scene. Even if the grocery cart is full, be prepared to leave it behind. And you may also be willing to let your child have her tantrum, don't give it any attention (as long as she is not hurting herself) and continue on with you activity. In fact I witnessed such an event at a grocery, the mom had two toddlers, and one of them was quite adamant that she get her way. The mom continued on with her checkout in a very calm fashion, apologized to those of us within hearing distance. But no one was put out by it.
Hope this helps, remember to smile, it confuses the heck out of the toddleres.
Cheers, Beth
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Permalink Reply by Robin G. on -
If your daughter is anything like mine, there are usually signs that the meltdown is about to occur. I try and redirect her attention fast, before the tantrum actually happens. Way better to avoid them even happening. Try to remember, it isn't easy to be two.
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Permalink Reply by Kathy Nolan Butler on -
Remove the audience Beth. When children act up in public. They are looking for a reaction. Leave the store, or the restaurant until your 2-year old calms down. When using time-out only require him/her to stay in time out according to their age, in this case 2 minutes. (you may need to sit w/them)
At home, try this technique, (however silly it may seem) mirror your toddler's actions back to them. Let them know that you understand they are angry or upset. It really does work.
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Permalink Reply by Quirky Momma on -
We spank, its a lot easier and less of a struggle than time outs. Especially for my little boy, I think he understands the correlation of consequences whenever he disobeys if he gets a spanking.
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Permalink Reply by Hawiza Sharpe on -
Hello! Regular time out didn't work for my daughter either. She is 3 now and what I do is give her a time out with her arms up in the air (military style). She is more willing to listen now since she hates it. She is also the type of kid that wanted to talk about the issue so after the time out, I would talk to her about the incident. I started this when she was 2 and has work really well. I am also a firm believer in rewarding good behavior with encouraging words and sometimes a treat. Kids their age would like to feel like a "big" girl/boy so if my daughter does something good (could be as simple as eating all her food), I would say "good job! you are such a big girl for eating all of your food". I hope that this helps!
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