How do you know...?
Ok I'm Kristin a SAHM to two wonderful children, Lillianna age three and Benjamin age one. I'm married to a wonderful man, Matt. We've been married four years. I love my family.
I am always questioning if I am doing a good enough job being a wife and mother. Am I the only one that does this? Does anyone else do this? How do you really know you are doing a good job. I've lost sleep over this for the past few nights. I live for my family, but often wonder if it is all good enough. I only want the best for my family.
Recently we are going through some hard times (financially) and while I appear strong on the outside to them, I'm scared to death about it all. I guess this is where it is all coming from.
Sorry for the ramble. Just curious on how do you know, if you are doing a good enough job as a wife and mother....
I am always questioning if I am doing a good enough job being a wife and mother. Am I the only one that does this? Does anyone else do this? How do you really know you are doing a good job. I've lost sleep over this for the past few nights. I live for my family, but often wonder if it is all good enough. I only want the best for my family.
Recently we are going through some hard times (financially) and while I appear strong on the outside to them, I'm scared to death about it all. I guess this is where it is all coming from.
Sorry for the ramble. Just curious on how do you know, if you are doing a good enough job as a wife and mother....
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by DiPaola Momma on
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Don't be sorry! This is why we joined Twitter Moms after all, support and connections right? I wish I could answer your question. I think all of us wish we could. Sadly it's a question sort of like "What is the meaning of life". There isn't really any one answer. If you love your family with all your heart, and it seems you do, you ARE giving them the best! The fear that grips us, especially in hard times, can be paralyzing but know you aren't alone. If you can't reach out to your wonderful husband because you think it will increase his fear to know that you aren't as strong as he needs you to be then seek out support elsewhere.. HERE was a great start. If we aren't enough try a support group or just have a friend over. Sometimes just the nearness of another mom helps. PLEASE feel free to message me, maybe we can connect outside of this group. Chin up you are WONDERFUL just to have reached out this way!!!!
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Permalink Reply by Summer Jessee on
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Kristin,
I think ALL moms have questioned themselves in this aspect. I know I have. A couple years ago I felt sooo overwhelmed with the monotonous rat race that we had created and I knew something had to change. My husband was stressed and working all the time to pay for the high cost of living in Southern California. And I was literally going crazy with the kids, laundry, cooking, cleaning - ALL DAY EVERY DAY. Our marriage was strained and I was not being the best mother I could be. I felt like my life was just passing me by. I KNEW there was more to life than this and I was determined to figure out a way to make things better!
After "thinking" about making a change for a long time, we finally pulled the trigger and reserved a villa in Bali. We sold all of our stuff, put a little bit in storage, sold one of our cars, etc... and we were packed up and out of San Diego in 7 weeks from the time we made the reservation for the villa. We were embarking on a 6 month trip around SE Asia with our two young children (4 year old daughter and 1 1/2 year old son) and I was sooo excited.
We've been living over here for more than 4 months now and I can't tell you how much better our life has become. We live at a THIRD of the cost (and that's living WELL with a full time nanny, private villa with a pool), crazy I know. I have TIME for my husband. I have TIME with my kids. I have time for MYSELF. Time to actually THINK about what I want out of life!! Plus, I no longer do dishes, laundry, or clean. It's amazing!!
Part of the reason we wanted to take this trip was to refocus our path in life. It is not a "vacation" but rather a "working trip." We wanted to SLOW down and free up space in our brains to actually create something new! Create something that would fulfill us in life. I wasn't sure at first what it would be for me... but after a couple months, I figured out that I wanted to write a book about motherhood to help other moms create better lives for themselves.
Well, I know it's what I was meant to do... because the thoughts never stop flowing!! I've been to writing workshops over here, hired an editor via skype, started researching and interviewing other moms and it's been so much fun! I can't wait until my book is published and I can begin to see a change take place in the lives of mothers around the world. I've actually already been able to inspire quite a few of our friends through Facebook updates and through our family website (www.teamjessee.com) as well - many people have come to me telling us that we've inspired them and asking us for advice! It's really cool.
Traveling to the other side of the world is not the answer for every mother of course... but I believe there IS an answer that will help you create a better life. And I hope I can help moms with this through my book.
By the way, we've had some very challenging times financially as well. I think everybody has! People ask us how we've been able to do this financially... and the truth is that once you decide that you want to do something in life, and you start making arrangements, things will all start to fall into place for you. The options in life are limitless! People have all these "reasons" why they can't create a better life for themselves... but if you want something bad enough, sooner or later, you'll figure out a way to make it happen, just like we did.
Hang in there Kristin! Being a mother is the hardest job in the world! The simple fact alone that you are wondering if you could be doing a better job, means that you already are :)
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Permalink Reply by Kristin Leolani Gaffney on -
I'm in tears right now. Thank you to all who have replied. It sure means a lot to me. Today I didn't do anything that I would normally do. I had a day where I just sat and played with my children and it was really nice. No worries, and we just ordered pizza. Plus my husband and I have planned a date night for this weekend (his weekends are sun-tues) and we haven't done this in such a long time. I'm really excited about it.
I get so caught up in my every day chore of what I have to do (get the kids up, feed them, take care of our zoo we have so many animals, but I love it, do laundry, figure out dinner, make dinner, clean, make sure my husband is up for work, bath the kids, pjs, put them to bed, clean again ect....the list goes on) that by the time the day is done I look back and wonder where the time went and if I spent enough time with my kids ect.
Right now we are fighting to keep our house. My husband had to go on disability last year for his foot and we fell short, we had to decide either pay our mortgage fully or feed our kids. Well I'm sure you guess what won. Our mortgage company has refused to let us make a payment since. They wouldnt' take partial and now they refuse to take anything unless we have the full balance that we owe, which by now is a lot.
While I've come to terms that we may lose our home (I've been trying to see the positive sides here....not many but I'm trying) it still worries me so much. I love our home. It needs a lot of work done to it, but we've lived here our whole marriage, our kids were born here, and the neighborhood is nice. I am just upset that, this is even happening to us. It's not like we woke up one day and said "Hey lets not pay our bills anymore!" We came to a hard time, had to make a decision and well our mortgage company hasn't been helping. I hate that we are in this situation but really, what can I do but move forward, fight for our home and except whatever happens.
If anything, we start over and things will work themselves out. I just look at our children and wonder how we let them down. :( My poor husband is taking the blame for this 100% and I'm trying to make him understand it isn't his fault. He is very old fashioned about the man takes care of his family ect... I just wish he wouldn't blame himself. What could we do? His foot was hurt and he couldn't work.
Thank you for everyone to replied. My kids are some of the happiest kids I know. They are always smiling and happy to be around us and our friends and family. My husband loves me and is happy with our family we have created. So really I guess my question is answered. I am doing a good job. The house situation, well I take it day by day and will accept what comes and move forward....Yeah that's what I can do...
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Permalink Reply by Rachele on -
Kristin,
I don't know who your mortgage company is but...
We've been trying to get a modification on our mortgage for over a year and they wouldn't budge. We spoke with people we know in the mortgage business and they informed us that as long as were were paying it each month, the company would never modify it. We started making partial payments and paying other things we needed to. It was hard for me not to pay them but I was trusting the advice we had been given. We finally, over 8 months, got into a position where they would, at least, consider us. We called a week ago, after filling out all the paperwork, merely to get a fax number to send the info to and were told we qualified for a NEW program that would put what we owed (passed due) at the back end, reduce our mortgage by 1/3, dropping us to 2% and that would be FOR THE DURATION OF THE LOAN.
You may want to recontact your lender to see if they have any new programs.
Good Luck!
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Permalink Reply by Lorna Darden on -
We all go through hard times and I think all moms question whether they are doin a good enough job. I feel as long as your kids have clean clothes, a full stomach, being taught right from wrong and have a roof over their head you are doing a great job! You are a good mom for even wondering if you are giving your kids the best because you care. These times are hard, but you have to stay strong for your babies. Put your faith in God put your worries in his hand and live life. He will see you through it. I wish you the best of Luck, Chat anytime with me if you need to talk.
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Permalink Reply by Tamyka Washington on
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Wow...what an amazing group of women! I'm tearing up as I read these posts. I think we ALL experience these feelings. We are only human, we do get overwhelmed. Being a mom is a difficult job and requires a lot of "skill". I think sometimes we can kind of loose our identities in motherhood and sometimes wonder...is this it? I know I have.
Life can be difficult in general, and it can get worse when financial troubles creep in. I know I sometimes keep what I'm feeling inside for fear of causing more stress on my husband but it's best to share what your going through. If you can't with hubby, with somebody.
Just remember you HAVE value. You are important and its okay to break down every now and then. We can't ALWAYS be super mom. If you are doing everything you possibly can to provide a safe, secure and loving environment for you children, you are doing a great job!
Keep believing that all will get better, things will work out!
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Permalink Reply by Veera Hiranandani on -
What an amazing story you have! I love when people don't just think about what they want to do, but actually do it! Your courage is inspiring.
Veera
Summer Jessee said:Kristin,
I think ALL moms have questioned themselves in this aspect. I know I have. A couple years ago I felt sooo overwhelmed with the monotonous rat race that we had created and I knew something had to change. My husband was stressed and working all the time to pay for the high cost of living in Southern California. And I was literally going crazy with the kids, laundry, cooking, cleaning - ALL DAY EVERY DAY. Our marriage was strained and I was not being the best mother I could be. I felt like my life was just passing me by. I KNEW there was more to life than this and I was determined to figure out a way to make things better!
After "thinking" about making a change for a long time, we finally pulled the trigger and reserved a villa in Bali. We sold all of our stuff, put a little bit in storage, sold one of our cars, etc... and we were packed up and out of San Diego in 7 weeks from the time we made the reservation for the villa. We were embarking on a 6 month trip around SE Asia with our two young children (4 year old daughter and 1 1/2 year old son) and I was sooo excited.
We've been living over here for more than 4 months now and I can't tell you how much better our life has become. We live at a THIRD of the cost (and that's living WELL with a full time nanny, private villa with a pool), crazy I know. I have TIME for my husband. I have TIME with my kids. I have time for MYSELF. Time to actually THINK about what I want out of life!! Plus, I no longer do dishes, laundry, or clean. It's amazing!!
Part of the reason we wanted to take this trip was to refocus our path in life. It is not a "vacation" but rather a "working trip." We wanted to SLOW down and free up space in our brains to actually create something new! Create something that would fulfill us in life. I wasn't sure at first what it would be for me... but after a couple months, I figured out that I wanted to write a book about motherhood to help other moms create better lives for themselves.
Well, I know it's what I was meant to do... because the thoughts never stop flowing!! I've been to writing workshops over here, hired an editor via skype, started researching and interviewing other moms and it's been so much fun! I can't wait until my book is published and I can begin to see a change take place in the lives of mothers around the world. I've actually already been able to inspire quite a few of our friends through Facebook updates and through our family website (www.teamjessee.com) as well - many people have come to me telling us that we've inspired them and asking us for advice! It's really cool.
Traveling to the other side of the world is not the answer for every mother of course... but I believe there IS an answer that will help you create a better life. And I hope I can help moms with this through my book.
By the way, we've had some very challenging times financially as well. I think everybody has! People ask us how we've been able to do this financially... and the truth is that once you decide that you want to do something in life, and you start making arrangements, things will all start to fall into place for you. The options in life are limitless! People have all these "reasons" why they can't create a better life for themselves... but if you want something bad enough, sooner or later, you'll figure out a way to make it happen, just like we did.
Hang in there Kristin! Being a mother is the hardest job in the world! The simple fact alone that you are wondering if you could be doing a better job, means that you already are :)
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Thanks Veera!! My purpose in life is to create the best quality of life for myself and my family and in turn, help thousands of others to do the same... and I'm on a serious mission to do just that!! I'm so glad you were inspired!!!
Wishing you the best experiences in life!
Summer
*P.S. If you know others who may need a little dose of inspiration, send them to our site... www.teamjessee.com
Veera Hiranandani said:What an amazing story you have! I love when people don't just think about what they want to do, but actually do it! Your courage is inspiring.
Veera
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Permalink Reply by Andrea Fellman on -
You are not alone! We have all been there and have asked ourselves the same questions! Sometimes I literally cannot sleep and feel sick to my stomach with worry. I think you have to wake up each day and say today will be a good day, look at all you have, be grateful and focus on that day and those moments. "One day at a time" is a very good motto "be in the moment" with your kids, husband, work , friends, life etc.. and appreciate everything. Stop and soak up all the GOOD! Breath in the POSITIVE things:)
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Permalink Reply by Andrea Fellman on
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I am soooo happy to have found you! What an inspiration! My husband and I are just in the beginning stages of leaving the "American Rat Race" we know we can lead a better life! We love traveling and our kids have not stopped us! We are in the beginning stages of moving to Europe... I have chills reading your comments!
Summer Jessee said:Kristin,
I think ALL moms have questioned themselves in this aspect. I know I have. A couple years ago I felt sooo overwhelmed with the monotonous rat race that we had created and I knew something had to change. My husband was stressed and working all the time to pay for the high cost of living in Southern California. And I was literally going crazy with the kids, laundry, cooking, cleaning - ALL DAY EVERY DAY. Our marriage was strained and I was not being the best mother I could be. I felt like my life was just passing me by. I KNEW there was more to life than this and I was determined to figure out a way to make things better!
After "thinking" about making a change for a long time, we finally pulled the trigger and reserved a villa in Bali. We sold all of our stuff, put a little bit in storage, sold one of our cars, etc... and we were packed up and out of San Diego in 7 weeks from the time we made the reservation for the villa. We were embarking on a 6 month trip around SE Asia with our two young children (4 year old daughter and 1 1/2 year old son) and I was sooo excited.
We've been living over here for more than 4 months now and I can't tell you how much better our life has become. We live at a THIRD of the cost (and that's living WELL with a full time nanny, private villa with a pool), crazy I know. I have TIME for my husband. I have TIME with my kids. I have time for MYSELF. Time to actually THINK about what I want out of life!! Plus, I no longer do dishes, laundry, or clean. It's amazing!!
Part of the reason we wanted to take this trip was to refocus our path in life. It is not a "vacation" but rather a "working trip." We wanted to SLOW down and free up space in our brains to actually create something new! Create something that would fulfill us in life. I wasn't sure at first what it would be for me... but after a couple months, I figured out that I wanted to write a book about motherhood to help other moms create better lives for themselves.
Well, I know it's what I was meant to do... because the thoughts never stop flowing!! I've been to writing workshops over here, hired an editor via skype, started researching and interviewing other moms and it's been so much fun! I can't wait until my book is published and I can begin to see a change take place in the lives of mothers around the world. I've actually already been able to inspire quite a few of our friends through Facebook updates and through our family website (www.teamjessee.com) as well - many people have come to me telling us that we've inspired them and asking us for advice! It's really cool.
Traveling to the other side of the world is not the answer for every mother of course... but I believe there IS an answer that will help you create a better life. And I hope I can help moms with this through my book.
By the way, we've had some very challenging times financially as well. I think everybody has! People ask us how we've been able to do this financially... and the truth is that once you decide that you want to do something in life, and you start making arrangements, things will all start to fall into place for you. The options in life are limitless! People have all these "reasons" why they can't create a better life for themselves... but if you want something bad enough, sooner or later, you'll figure out a way to make it happen, just like we did.
Hang in there Kristin! Being a mother is the hardest job in the world! The simple fact alone that you are wondering if you could be doing a better job, means that you already are :)
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Permalink Reply by Christine Duvivier on -
Kristin, we once went to a parents workshop and a wise psychologist (Arnie Kerzner in MA) told us, "the research shows you don't need to be the best parent, or even a great parent. You just need to be a 'good enough' parent and your kids will be okay." That gave me such relief that I have always remembered it.
It seems that many times our stress comes from feeling we're not being the best parent we can be or we're not a "great" parent. The world around us often tells parents (especially mothers) that we aren't doing enough and that it's our fault if something seems to be going wrong with the kids or the family.
So, as others have pointed out, maybe you can remind yourself (as I have many times) that it is enough that you love your family and that you try to listen and learn so you can find ways to be the parent/spouse you want to be. And by the way, that doesn't mean that you never get frustrated or angry or scared or sad. Those are normal human emotions and it doesn't serve you or your family to pretend you don't have them (which you don't seem to be doing -- but with all the positive feedback, I wanted to remind both of us).
I think you've given a gift to many mothers by starting this discussion!
Best wishes,
Christine
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Permalink Reply by Kristin Leolani Gaffney on
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Yes very inspirational! :) It's made me sit and think about what I really want to do to help me and my family. I look up to strong women like you. :)
Summer Jessee said:Thanks Veera!! My purpose in life is to create the best quality of life for myself and my family and in turn, help thousands of others to do the same... and I'm on a serious mission to do just that!! I'm so glad you were inspired!!!
Wishing you the best experiences in life!
Summer
*P.S. If you know others who may need a little dose of inspiration, send them to our site... www.teamjessee.com
Veera Hiranandani said:What an amazing story you have! I love when people don't just think about what they want to do, but actually do it! Your courage is inspiring.
Veera
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