I think I'm a "Toxic Parent"

Rating: 5 after 2 votes

I just went to the bookstore and saw this book called "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and Craig Buck. My son is 18 and I love him more than anything in the world. So, I was reading it for a reason that doesn't bear mentioning, but then, I saw the chapter on controlling parents and OH NO it was me. :(

I am totally the "Controller" in the "Why Can't They Let Me Live My Own Life" chapter. Ugh. I saw the tens of thousands of dollars my poor son is going to have to spend in therapy because I do everything that you shouldn't pass before my eyes.

It's so hard to let him go off and be an adult because I don't want anything bad to happen to him. Even hearing that come out of my mouth makes me roll my own eyes. He's such a great kid. I know I have to let him make mistakes and live his life. I cannot protect him from everything (anything?). Next year will be college and it's likely he will be at least a few hours away. I'm not ready. It's only been 18 years and there wasn't enough time to prepare.

Somehow, I cannot seem to bridge that huge divide between his being my child and my son. Anyway, I can't decide if I should buy him the book now and get it over with, or never speak of it again.

Anyone else ever read this book? Susan

▶ Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Working-mom-of-2 on December 24, 2008 at 1:08am: Oh dear, oh dear. You have my symphathy (smile)
I have 2 sons but they are still very small. I keep my fingers crossed for you LOL and..... give him the book. It will help him and he will understand you. I am sure it will even put a smile on his face.

Merry Christmas.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Cherrie J Webb on December 26, 2008 at 11:33am: I read that book years ago and always thought of my parents. I vowed never to be like them.
There's a difference in not letting go and being a negative person towards our kids. You can't tear down, rip away at their self-esteem. A little praise now and then goes a long way.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Susan Bilheimer on December 26, 2008 at 11:46am: Oh. Good. Under that criteria, I can rest easier. :) I actually told him about this and he thought it was pretty funny, watching my angst and gnashing of teeth. I guess I'm still a toxic Jewish mother, but worship him as well. He's turned out really well. Praise, no question. But I do tend to nag too. Thanks for commenting.

Yes, I agree about not wanting to be like my parents, so I tried really hard with my son. But you know, sometimes, it comes out without realizing it, even with the best of intentions.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Tara S. Dickherber, M.Ed, CPC on December 26, 2008 at 6:22pm: I haven't read that book. But I love the book "Screamfree Parenting" by Hal Edward Runkel. Great book on parenting. when when they are teens...Good luck.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Erika Berry on December 26, 2008 at 7:52pm: Stop reading Toxic Parent now!!!!! If your 18-year old son still talks to you then you did a great job sister!! MY husband had to take away "what to expect when you're expecting" because I was sure I was having twins, high blood pressure, a tumor, diabetes etc....Reading books that mess with our insecurities is crazy. If you were a truly toxic parent you probably wouldn't have picked up that book. It's time for you to schedule in a nice mid-life crisis for yourself or sign up for cardio tennis:) You are a great mom! Happy New Year. Erika; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Susan Bilheimer on December 26, 2008 at 7:58pm: That is so funny. Totally with you on "What to Expect..." It's so true, I remember that book when I was pregnant and my anxiety going through the roof! :) And thankfully, I didn't actually buy the "Toxic" book. Happy New Year to you too, Erika.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Chappyswife on December 26, 2008 at 8:08pm: I haven't read this book, but in describing yourself, you also described me, except our oldest is almost 16 instead of 18. I.just.can't.let.go! I want to protect him. I want him to learn from our mistakes. We've made enough to think that he would never have to make any of his own! :0)

Everyone says it gets easier, but I just don't see it happening.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Susan Bilheimer on December 26, 2008 at 8:47pm: Chappyswife - I KNOW! I made a big mess out of my life in some ways in my 20s and 30s and it's like I think somehow I'm going to keep him from making ANY mistakes. Well, maybe they won't make OUR mistakes, but I'll bet they'll make some that we'd never expect. As awful as it is to contemplate, nobody gets a free ride.

He's my only one. I guess, based on your comment, that it's not any easier when you have more kids. I see you have at least one other adorable one to raise.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by jazzy on December 27, 2008 at 9:21am: My mom was and often times still is a toxic parent, I have just learned to ignore it, but I will admit, growing up it caused a big strain.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Christine on December 27, 2008 at 2:33pm: All I can say is if you raised your son right then you shouldn't worry so much because he will be fine. Of course he will make mistakes and do stupid things, we all have to, it is part of growing up. Just hope that he learns from his mistakes and rest assured that you raised him right and therefore he will be fine. I know I made plenty of stupid mistakes when I was younger, but in the end I got my act together and eventually made it to the top rated grad school in the US for my field of study. I am sure that my parents didn't want to allow me to make all of those stupid mistakes, but they are what made me the person I became in the end. Like it or not all of the good AND the bad experiences make us who we are and I think without any bad experiences you really haven't lived. Everyone needs some bad experiences and mistakes. Good luck with letting go I know it is tough at all stages of life.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Joyce on December 27, 2008 at 6:38pm: I have always said that my son was going to blame me in therapy. You do your best as a parent, some things will be the right things some things the wrong things. You can decide to move on from the past or wallow in it. Its up to him.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Chappyswife on December 28, 2008 at 8:16pm: Yes, we have 4 sons, with 9 1/2 years between our first and second, so I have got to tell you that it isn't any easier to let go of the little ones (kindergarten, head start, etc.) than it was with our oldest. I could NOT do it at all without our faith in God. I couldn't. The world is just too awful and scary of a place, but fortunately we have tried to surround our family with a great church family. We also live in a tiny town, so everyone knows everyone. These things help as his best friends go to church and school with us. Still, it is a struggle for me to remind myself that I am not the one in control. I just wish we could keep them little longer. :0)

Chappyswife said:
I haven't read this book, but in describing yourself, you also described me, except our oldest is almost 16 instead of 18. I.just.can't.let.go! I want to protect him. I want him to learn from our mistakes. We've made enough to think that he would never have to make any of his own! :0)

Everyone says it gets easier, but I just don't see it happening.; ▶ Reply to This