I think I'm a "Toxic Parent"

Rating: 5 after 2 votes

I just went to the bookstore and saw this book called "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and Craig Buck. My son is 18 and I love him more than anything in the world. So, I was reading it for a reason that doesn't bear mentioning, but then, I saw the chapter on controlling parents and OH NO it was me. :(

I am totally the "Controller" in the "Why Can't They Let Me Live My Own Life" chapter. Ugh. I saw the tens of thousands of dollars my poor son is going to have to spend in therapy because I do everything that you shouldn't pass before my eyes.

It's so hard to let him go off and be an adult because I don't want anything bad to happen to him. Even hearing that come out of my mouth makes me roll my own eyes. He's such a great kid. I know I have to let him make mistakes and live his life. I cannot protect him from everything (anything?). Next year will be college and it's likely he will be at least a few hours away. I'm not ready. It's only been 18 years and there wasn't enough time to prepare.

Somehow, I cannot seem to bridge that huge divide between his being my child and my son. Anyway, I can't decide if I should buy him the book now and get it over with, or never speak of it again.

Anyone else ever read this book? Susan

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Susan Bilheimer on December 28, 2008 at 11:13pm: Yes. I tell everyone I meet who has a little kid to keep them nine years old. Nine is a good age. I tell them just to convince them they are nine each year thereafter. On the other hand, I love my son more each day and it amazes me that it's even possible. Though puberty and menopause are often a combustible combination. :); ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Jerri Ann on December 29, 2008 at 7:00am: I am so very much that over-bearing or toxic (ouch that word hurts) parent. And, the craziest thing of it all, I was raised by my father who was as non-toxic and let me do my thing more so than any parent I knew then or even now for that matter. And, even worse, I am not as toxic (ewww that word) as my husband is...he is a major over-parenting freak.

My dad taught high school and I've always said that his profession was the reason why he was such a wonderful parent. I lived with my mom til I was 13 and then with him from 13 til 19 when he died. I had more freedom than any of my friends and never ever once did I get in trouble....with the exception of speeding tickets....which was bad...I lost my license for the third time when I was 24 years old. Otherwise, my dad would leave me at home for 2 weeks in the summer while he went to conventions and at least 3 weekends a month he was gone. He trusted me to come home on time and I don't recall him calling even once to make sure I was there.

It is so amazing. I am not as bad as my husband like I said, but I really am a little over-bearing sometimes. I just don't want to see my kids fail....and when you consider my husband, known on my blog as Boy Genius, has an IQ over 160 so he really gets all bent out of shape over mistakes.

But, we will overcome...we will conquer.....yea whatever!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Karen Weir on December 29, 2008 at 7:17am: I think all parents are toxic - its the degree of toxicity that matters. I read that book years ago, but either it wasn't overly impactful or my memory is failing me... I'll go with the lack of impact LOL.

I had a less than ideal childhood (although not horrific either), and was determined when I had my first child (now 28), that she would enjoy a carefree childhood. In my efforts to ensure her safety and security, I actually stifled her. She was in no way prepared for the real world (elementary school), and was completely surprised to discover that she was not the center of the universe. I quickly discovered that I was somewhat powerless to really protect her when she was not in my direct care. Not that I didn't continue to try - in fact I stepped up my efforts. The result? Self esteem issues - the very same result as a child who is abused and/or neglected... without the trauma (and the consequences of trauma)

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, so unfortunately, while most parents have ideal intentions, they are still toxic. All we can do is our best and forgive ourselves for being human, and therefore, toxic. There is no ideal, and once we accept that, we'll all be better off.

Congratulations on raising a great kid!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Kenyatta Rodriguez on December 29, 2008 at 7:38am: All of our kids are going to need therapy for "something" we did! Unfortunately there is no Perfect Parent handbook. We can only look forward to their finally understanding when they have their own children! ;o); ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Loretta Lynn on December 29, 2008 at 7:42am: I havent read the book yet, but sometimes I feel like a toxic parent. I have a teen daughter almost 16, who somewhat talks to me, but not really. I feel terrible, she wants to go live with her dad in TN. as she says, she's been with me her whole life and thinks she should spend these two years with her dad, before she goes off to college. (I have a tendency to yell, not often, and to get upset at drivers on the road) I'm busy with work, trying to keep my business going, but yet i've tried to be there for her and she knows that. In my opinion her dad has never been there for her, hardly ever calls, the child supports has been stop and go for years, he's with wife (I think) number 4 now. I was a single mom for 10 years and it wasnt easy. Things are much better for us and have been for a few years, ofcourse it was an adjustment for her to listen to a stepfather, and that relationship has boggled my mind (love/hate). Then there was the skipping school in her freshman yr, but thats all better now i think. she's interested in drama, which is good, but i worry about her grades. She told me she wants to be a thespian, but doesnt, some things she likes and some she doesnt. I told her its up to her if she wants to do something then do it, but dont do something half-way. I feel like she doesnt talk to me, doesnt want me around. well, i'd better get moving, i could ramble for a while...
take care,
L; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Candes on December 29, 2008 at 8:03am: I've seen what a controlling mom can do. Controlling in a way Mom didn't want her son to fail. Single parent, mom AND my sister and I never let him pay for his mistakes. It REALLY did him a disservice. Crippled him but I can say years (and I mean years) later he is a responsible man and works hard.

It is SO hard to stand by and watch someone you love make the wrong decision. Your son and my sons NEED to make mistakes. It's character building either way. What kind of man do you want your son to be? Wise because he learned from his mistakes or foolish thinking the world owes him something or things just magically fix themselves in the end?

It's hard. Hard even now and my sons are 4 and almost 2. I've had to let them fall to learn that when Mommy says don't do that there's a reason why I say it.

Hang in there Mom; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by jamaicaj on December 29, 2008 at 8:11am: Don't be so hard on yourself! This is a moment where he's about to go off and you can feel good about it all- you've raised a smart, intelligent, capable kid (he's off to college, right?)...sometimes a shift in perspective can make a big difference. Plus you still have a year to let him "screw up" at home to prepare him for the real world. I took a course- Parenting on Track that put a positive light on "it's never too late" and he may not need all that therapy, lol. Start letting him "live his own life" right now. I don't know what kinds of things you controlled for him but I'd guess it's stuff like laundry, staying on top of homework, bailing him out of "troublesome" stuff- normal mommyisms, right?

Well, see what happens if you let go starting @ the new year? I'm in the same boat but I have to get my kids back on track asap...three boys are running my life so I feel for ya! See what happens if you let go now. I'm taking the course again (I only attended a workshop last time around) and I'm looking forward to the change in behaviors. After all, the goal is have them walk out at 18 and live a full life...not come back at 19, right? lol...; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Colormepink on December 29, 2008 at 8:57am: I agree with the other moms who said, "put the book down!" My oldest is almost 14.. (ack!) and it's just starting to dawn on me that I need to be a little less controlling. I need to let him spread his wings a little more. I was such a troubled kid, teen, young adult, etc. that I want to keep him safe from that. But, like another commenter said, he'll probably make mistakes that I never even considered. It's so hard. I know it's trite, but I can't help but think of the saying about how becoming a mother means that you agree to live the rest of your life with your heart walking around outside your body. Just the fact that you're looking at this and trying to make it better for him proves that you're not a toxic parent. Best wishes to you.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Colleen Dick on December 29, 2008 at 9:23am: I have 4 kids, 3 grown and the last one well on their way. I always considered myself more of a laissez faire mom, not that I let them do whatever they wanted, but I tried very hard NOT to horn in on all their stuff and make (grit teeth)
ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT MY LITTLE JOHNY SUCCEEDED OVER THE TOP AT EVERYTHING HE DID BY GOD IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO(end grit teeth) My town is full of helicopter moms, you know those ones that "hover." Like when my kid writes an essay in school, I know they are really competing against a whole raft of 40 something moms with college degrees, after the chopper moms "proofread" it for them. Like when my kid goes out for a game of soccer he's competing against kids whose parents have spent thousands of dollars for one-on-one coaching at elite soccer camps, etc. Etc. Etc.

Three of my kids are absolutely fine with me. One son, 23, has "issues" and believes that i am a control freak and that all his problems are my fault. When my kids were growing up I preferred to stay out of the way, and let them crash in small safe ways so they would learn. However with this one, I had to intervene a few times because he was on the road to crashing BIG time. He just seems bound and determined to f*** himself every possible way. For example, we had to get pretty heavy handed with him and FORCE him to complete high school. As long as he continues to blame me and my husband for his problems, he protects himself from facing them. I'm hoping for an epiphany, but he might be 30 before it dawns on him.

This son received the same baseline parenting as all the others, but of course his experience was customized to match his own response to it. I believe my son has psychological problems that have been apparent to me since he was three, it's just that mental health for children is so iffy because what's totally expected for one phase is totally inappropriate for the next, kids grow at different rates, and it's just very difficult to tell a phase from a bonafide psychological problem. I tried to get help for him but I was pretty much blown off. All the attention goes to the little hell raisers who damage property and other people. My son outwardly is incredibly polite and pleasant. How can such a nice kid be sick. He has only inflicted scarless damage on himself, so the system didn't care.

So, guess what. Maybe the issue isn't with the parent, it might be the child.; ▶ Reply to This