Jon & Kate + Divorce
This is my take on Monday night's announcement on Jon & Kate Plus Eight, from my blog, Mom Spark...
Again, why do I care? I just finished watching the episode and it resulted in the obvious divorce prediction from most of the media, and you, who left comments. I cannot say that I was surprised, but yet, I sorta was at the same time. I was mostly taken aback at Jon's demeanor and some of the things he said about it being a "kinda exciting, but scary" time. Exciting? I also didn't like that he brought up the fact that he is only (32), as if he needs to be doing something else other than working on his marriage. He mentioned that he was very proud of himself for not being passive anymore, and I agree with that to an extent, but I think he's taking it a little too far.
I think Jon was too passive the past ten years. They even mentioned in past episodes that he would bottle his emotions up, then just explode out of nowhere. It's obvious that Kate is very overbearing, and she would wear on anyone's nerves, but it was his own fault, as well, for being too silent. Isn't it Dr. Phil who says, "We teach people how to treat us?" I think for the first time in his marriage (or soon-to-be divorce) he feels empowered for standing up to her, and I suppose that is why it is "kinda exciting."
There was no conversation about counseling or marriage help, so we really don't know if they tried before coming to their decision. Kate said Jon would not talk to her, and honestly, I wouldn't either if I were Jon, unless I had a counselor or mediator there to assist. They kept saying, almost at nauseum, that they were doing this for their kids, but they never mentioned what they would be willing to do for each other? This makes me the saddest of all.
I don't know where the show will go from here, but I can't imagine it being very pleasant to watch. It would be foolish to assume that we won't see the kids hurting or confused, and that is just terrible to think about. Gosh, I just wish they could get over themselves and find respect for each other and stick it out "for the kids." It's so hard to see a family go through this.
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It's not very often that I get personal my blog, but this J&K+8 story really hits home . I was eight (the twin's age) and my brother was five (the sextupet's age) when my mother left my dad and filed for divorce. It was devastating, not only financially (I'm sure the Gosselins won't have this problem), but, obviously emotionally. As a 33 year-old, I STILL deal with the issues of abandonment, insecurity, and anxiety in my relationships. I often fear that if things are going well, they will soon be taken away and all hell will break loose. I respect the Gosselins for putting the kids with one parent at all times, which wasn't the case for my brother and I, who were often left alone to fiend for ourselves.
I'm not here to judge anyone who is or will be divorced, whether it is justified or not. I'm just speaking from the perspective of a kid who has gone through it. You always hear that kids are resilient to divorce, but they aren't. They may seem somewhat okay in the moment, but there are long-lasting effects that need constant attention. (I think many parents forget about this)
Who knows, maybe there can be "peace" as Kate said tonight. Maybe they'll realize how much they really do need each other and come back together. Only time (and episodes) will tell. My only prayer for them is that they follow God's plan, whatever that may be.
Would love to hear your thoughts.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by doula6angelita on
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I wish you a shower of blessings for being strong enough to realize how this affects you even to this day.
As for J+K+8, i do not want to cast aspersions, but to me, if I knew that the divorce rate for the parents of multiples is astronomical, I would spurn the tv show, and work on my children and marriage.
Instead, season after season ground on, which to me was repellent, especially since the two parents obviously have been having problems for two or more seasons. It is artificial and self-serving to the parnets, and does not enhance the children's personalities, especially if the stories are true that they are overwhelmed with freebies, adulation and use words like papparazzi in casual conversation.
Finally, the parents were not very much in love with each other, but certainly had time to play a farce when it came to coming before the cameras and collecting 50,000-75,000 per episode. They have time to separate, they have time to grab every cent(does Kate need to have a "career" as a writer, traveling around the country when she trained as a nurse, and would both benefit the community and put some money away for the children's bank accounts?)
In my opinion, neither parent cared for the other, maybe before the xextuplets, but definitely not after the show.
Green blessings to you, and I hope that you continue on a pathway to peace and healing yourself!
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Permalink Reply by Amy {Mom Spark & Mom Made That!} on -
You make a great point about her skills as a nurse contributing more to society, I never thought about that...
Yes, I think many of us feel "scammed" in that season after season was getting renewed, yet their marriage needed major work. I agree that doing the show in no way moves the children forward in their lives. It's purely financial.
doula6angelita said:I wish you a shower of blessings for being strong enough to realize how this affects you even to this day.
As for J+K+8, i do not want to cast aspersions, but to me, if I knew that the divorce rate for the parents of multiples is astronomical, I would spurn the tv show, and work on my children and marriage.
Instead, season after season ground on, which to me was repellent, especially since the two parents obviously have been having problems for two or more seasons. It is artificial and self-serving to the parnets, and does not enhance the children's personalities, especially if the stories are true that they are overwhelmed with freebies, adulation and use words like papparazzi in casual conversation.
Finally, the parents were not very much in love with each other, but certainly had time to play a farce when it came to coming before the cameras and collecting 50,000-75,000 per episode. They have time to separate, they have time to grab every cent(does Kate need to have a "career" as a writer, traveling around the country when she trained as a nurse, and would both benefit the community and put some money away for the children's bank accounts?)
In my opinion, neither parent cared for the other, maybe before the xextuplets, but definitely not after the show.
Green blessings to you, and I hope that you continue on a pathway to peace and healing yourself!
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Permalink Reply by Aimee on -
I was also surprisingly sad about the divorce, especially since I've only seen a few episodes of the show.
I do feel that Kate was unfairly demonized in the press. With a husband as laid back as Jon, someone had to take control of that household! Was she overbearing? For sure, but she has EIGHT KIDS, and Jon didn't seem to be proactive at all as a parent. I sensed that if Jon were left alone with the kids for a day, Kate would have come home to six soiled diapers and a colossal mess where her tidy home once stood.
I also take issue with the judgments cast on Jon and Kate as parents in the media and on social sites. How do we know if they're good parents? We only know what editors and paparazzi allow us to see. I'm a working mother. Kate probably travels more than I do, but I'm away from my kids 40+ hours per week. She probably has WAY more time with her kids than I do, and you know what? GOOD FOR HER - if I had eight kids, I'd kill for a few nights a month in a hotel room, too!! And she's making far more money than I do, and again - good for her. Jon quit his job, and someone needs put those eight kids through college - and feed, clothe, educate and entertain them along the way.
I have sympathy for Jon, too. I'm sure he never signed up to be the father of eight. And Kate was probably a lot more laid back and fun when they got married, too.
That said, I think the fact that he's looking for apartments in NY says a lot about him. He's going to be 2.5 hours away from his kids, if he lives in NYC all the time. I take Jon for a guy who married young, got a lot more than he bargained for - or was ready for - and is looking sow some wild oats while he can.
My bet: You'll see him in the tabloids mingling with the likes of Lindsey Lohan before long.
I hope Kate's making enough to pay for a few good nannies. She's gonna need them.
Amy - thanks for introducing this topic. I guess for me, it hits home because I see so many marriages around me falling apart. I've been blessed with a wonderful husband - a best friend for life - and we talk about EVERYTHING. We see a lot of friends struggling, and it's sad and frustrating for us. Our marriage isn't perfect (who's is?) but we're committed to our family and willing to work through challenges.
But every relationship is different, and in the end, the happiness and peace of the family is the most important thing. Everyone has to do what's best for themselves and their kids.
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Permalink Reply by Jenny on -
It was coming. I won't be surprised if they do. She's insane. And very controlling. I feel sorry for him. Then again, something tells me she'll survive as a single mom...and I bet the show will not end just because she is a single mom with...how many kids?
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Permalink Reply by Renegade Mom on -
Oh my gawd, who cares. Why do people watch this?
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Permalink Reply by Cynthia Johnson on -
It's fun to read the insights of peoples thoughts on the subject of Jon & Kate + 8. I have been watching the show from way back. It was a TLC show, and I was intrigued about how you organize your life with that many children. This season, it really became something else. I felt that I was watching a really bad reality show, and I was really uncomfortable with the direction. I feel sorry for the whole family. It does take a lot to keep a marriage together, particularly when you have children. It's a work in process, and there's days when you think it would be much easier to leave. I agree with the above comment that Jon stated about being excited, and that he's only 32. What else annoyed me was that he was surprised about the interest in their lives and there's people fighting in Iraq. Give me a break! He and Kate created this mess. They got exactly what they were looking for in the way of ratings and attention. Perhaps they didn't bargain on the negative press, but you have to take the good with the bad. As a mother of two children married almost 11 years, I am hopeful for a reconciliation. It didn't appear they tried to reconcile, but again, who knows the ins and outs of what goes on behind cameras. Anyhoot, still enjoying the discussion and appreciate the forum.
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Permalink Reply by Lori on -
Such a sad ending, although we pretty much knew it was coming. I have 6 children total and I would do everything I could to save my marriage especially for the children. I don't know if behind cameras they did the counseling thing but if they did, I think they would have said that while the cameras were on.
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Permalink Reply by Rita Gazzaniga on -
I think this is sad on so many levels. What about the re-newing of the vows in Hawaii? I thought they are a Christian family? No talk about "working" on their marriage. Kids need both parents. They are doing this for their kids! Come on. NO kid I ever met wanted their mom & dad apart.
This is sad for the parents & kids. Eight kids is a lot of work and it really takes so much organization and both parents must be helping.
I wish them the best and hope that maybe when the media goes away they can get some perspect on their family and be friends. Who knows, even work it out. I hope so.
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Permalink Reply by Jennie-Mae Devine on -
I wasn't surprised by the news. IMHO it seemed more Jon's decision than Kate's. I think Kate would have been willing to stick it out. I agree that Jon seems to want to sow some oats.
That being said though, I might have been a rarity as a child as I would wish my parents would separate. They fought constantly and my brother and I knew they were only "sticking together for the kids". It's a terrible feeling to know you're parents are unhappy and remain unhappy for you. I feel that while divorce isn't ideal for anyone, sometimes it's the lesser of two evils. Hopefully, Jon and Kate will do what's in the best interest of the children, and not their own lives or the show. I like that the kids won't have to be moved between two different homes, a sense of familiarity will help.
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Permalink Reply by Lisa C. Decker on
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It is sad to think that the show may have been one of the greatest reasons for the downfall of this marriage. It's hard enough work to keep a marriage strong, let alone adding the pressures of 8 children and constant paparazzi!
So now that this seems inevitable, let's hope that this family can serve as role models for how to have a civilized, peaceful divorce where the children's needs come first. If America is going to watch their every move, then I hope that they will consider a Collaborative Divorce model. This would at least then be a learning experience for everyone watching and would likely provide the best outcomes for the parents and the kids.
Lisa C. Decker
Certified Divorce Financial Analyst
www.DivorceMoneyMatters.com
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Permalink Reply by ptownmoofus on -
Amy,
Thank you for posting this! While I feel that this family's private marital problems should be dealt with IN PRIVATE, to protect the kids, and I was hesitant to post about the subject on my own blog, I do feel it brings to light a very important issue that often gets glazed over: While divorce, for a marriage, may be final, for the children it continues throughout their lives. While I know that most parents think long and hard before divorcing and do work to salvage their marriage. I think the glaring pain of it all causes them to turn away too quickly to "get rid" of the problem. But for the children involved this is really only the beginning.
My parents divorced when I was 12. I have two sisters who were 16 and 7 at the time. We are all now grown (two of us have families) and we still deal with the same issues you have mentioned. While a child may seem to be "adjusting" to divorce, they are usually just holding on for dear life and trying to do whatever they can to seem ok so as not to rock the boat and add any more stress and upheaval to mom and dad's situation.
They see their parents struggling and because they love them so, they try to take on adult roles and "make everything ok." While kids seem to be getting along, many suffer silently, or at least out of range of their parents. Because a family is one's sense of belonging, the foundation for who one is, when that foundation is destroyed everything comes into question... Who am I? Why don't my parents love each other? Did I do something wrong? Is my whole life a lie? What will the future hold? Can I trust my parents? Can I trust my own judgments of other people? of myself? Where do I fit in? and on and on.
These issues are so deep rooted that it takes years to resolve them and for most of us there will always be lingering doubts.
While many parents recognize the symptoms...drugs. alcohol, eating disorders, depression, destructive behavior, unhealthy relationships, promiscuity, etc., the underlying problems are so deeply entrenched that they can not be solved in just a few years time or with a little therapy.
I was truly saddened to see Jon's attitude about the separation, and Kate's apparent willingness to go along with it even though she's not "keen on the idea." Those poor kids will not only have to live through a divorce once, but will keep living through it emotionally for the rest of their lives. Even worse, they'll have it on tape, in books and on the internet. All those hurtful words and deeds, that many of us block out because of the pain, are recorded to all to see and hear.
There was a landmark study on children of divorce that was developed into a book that I think every parent (and every child of divorce) should read. I mentioned it on my own blog post about Jon and Kate. It is called The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Julia M. Lewis. It is truly eye-opening.
Thank you for the thoughtful post!
Melissa @ Sweet Serendipity
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Permalink Reply by Amy {Mom Spark & Mom Made That!} on
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I've known people that were also in similar situations as children. I do not think it's right to fight in front of the kids, and IMHO I think it's just as bad or worse than divorcing. I think marriage is so much harder than we realize going in, and it takes constant effort and work for it to remain safe and healthy.
Jennie-Mae Devine said:I wasn't surprised by the news. IMHO it seemed more Jon's decision than Kate's. I think Kate would have been willing to stick it out. I agree that Jon seems to want to sow some oats.
That being said though, I might have been a rarity as a child as I would wish my parents would separate. They fought constantly and my brother and I knew they were only "sticking together for the kids". It's a terrible feeling to know you're parents are unhappy and remain unhappy for you. I feel that while divorce isn't ideal for anyone, sometimes it's the lesser of two evils. Hopefully, Jon and Kate will do what's in the best interest of the children, and not their own lives or the show. I like that the kids won't have to be moved between two different homes, a sense of familiarity will help.
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