Jon & Kate + Divorce
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Again, why do I care? I just finished watching the episode and it resulted in the obvious divorce prediction from most of the media, and you, who left comments. I cannot say that I was surprised, but yet, I sorta was at the same time. I was mostly taken aback at Jon's demeanor and some of the things he said about it being a "kinda exciting, but scary" time. Exciting? I also didn't like that he brought up the fact that he is only (32), as if he needs to be doing something else other than working on his marriage. He mentioned that he was very proud of himself for not being passive anymore, and I agree with that to an extent, but I think he's taking it a little too far.
I think Jon was too passive the past ten years. They even mentioned in past episodes that he would bottle his emotions up, then just explode out of nowhere. It's obvious that Kate is very overbearing, and she would wear on anyone's nerves, but it was his own fault, as well, for being too silent. Isn't it Dr. Phil who says, "We teach people how to treat us?" I think for the first time in his marriage (or soon-to-be divorce) he feels empowered for standing up to her, and I suppose that is why it is "kinda exciting."
There was no conversation about counseling or marriage help, so we really don't know if they tried before coming to their decision. Kate said Jon would not talk to her, and honestly, I wouldn't either if I were Jon, unless I had a counselor or mediator there to assist. They kept saying, almost at nauseum, that they were doing this for their kids, but they never mentioned what they would be willing to do for each other? This makes me the saddest of all.
I don't know where the show will go from here, but I can't imagine it being very pleasant to watch. It would be foolish to assume that we won't see the kids hurting or confused, and that is just terrible to think about. Gosh, I just wish they could get over themselves and find respect for each other and stick it out "for the kids." It's so hard to see a family go through this.
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It's not very often that I get personal my blog, but this J&K+8 story really hits home . I was eight (the twin's age) and my brother was five (the sextupet's age) when my mother left my dad and filed for divorce. It was devastating, not only financially (I'm sure the Gosselins won't have this problem), but, obviously emotionally. As a 33 year-old, I STILL deal with the issues of abandonment, insecurity, and anxiety in my relationships. I often fear that if things are going well, they will soon be taken away and all hell will break loose. I respect the Gosselins for putting the kids with one parent at all times, which wasn't the case for my brother and I, who were often left alone to fiend for ourselves.
I'm not here to judge anyone who is or will be divorced, whether it is justified or not. I'm just speaking from the perspective of a kid who has gone through it. You always hear that kids are resilient to divorce, but they aren't. They may seem somewhat okay in the moment, but there are long-lasting effects that need constant attention. (I think many parents forget about this)
Who knows, maybe there can be "peace" as Kate said tonight. Maybe they'll realize how much they really do need each other and come back together. Only time (and episodes) will tell. My only prayer for them is that they follow God's plan, whatever that may be.
Would love to hear your thoughts.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Amy {Mom Spark & Mom Made That!} on -
I've known people that were also in similar situations as children. I do not think it's right to fight in front of the kids, and IMHO I think it's just as bad or worse than divorcing. I think marriage is so much harder than we realize going in, and it takes constant effort and work for it to remain safe and healthy.
Jennie-Mae Devine said:I wasn't surprised by the news. IMHO it seemed more Jon's decision than Kate's. I think Kate would have been willing to stick it out. I agree that Jon seems to want to sow some oats.
That being said though, I might have been a rarity as a child as I would wish my parents would separate. They fought constantly and my brother and I knew they were only "sticking together for the kids". It's a terrible feeling to know you're parents are unhappy and remain unhappy for you. I feel that while divorce isn't ideal for anyone, sometimes it's the lesser of two evils. Hopefully, Jon and Kate will do what's in the best interest of the children, and not their own lives or the show. I like that the kids won't have to be moved between two different homes, a sense of familiarity will help.
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Permalink Reply by Amy {Mom Spark & Mom Made That!} on
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Melissa-
I totally agree with everything you have said. I think many parents are naive when it comes to how divorce affects their children. You're right, it may be easier for the parents in the long run, but for the children, it's just the beginning of a difficult road. Of course, if there is abuse involved in a relationship,
I'm all for divorcing to protect the kids. In the case of my mother, and many other spouses, the divorce is purely based on "falling out of love," which I think is an unfair reason to split a family.
ptownmoofus said:Amy,
Thank you for posting this! While I feel that this family's private marital problems should be dealt with IN PRIVATE, to protect the kids, and I was hesitant to post about the subject on my own blog, I do feel it brings to light a very important issue that often gets glazed over: While divorce, for a marriage, may be final, for the children it continues throughout their lives. While I know that most parents think long and hard before divorcing and do work to salvage their marriage. I think the glaring pain of it all causes them to turn away too quickly to "get rid" of the problem. But for the children involved this is really only the beginning.
My parents divorced when I was 12. I have two sisters who were 16 and 7 at the time. We are all now grown (two of us have families) and we still deal with the same issues you have mentioned. While a child may seem to be "adjusting" to divorce, they are usually just holding on for dear life and trying to do whatever they can to seem ok so as not to rock the boat and add any more stress and upheaval to mom and dad's situation.
They see their parents struggling and because they love them so, they try to take on adult roles and "make everything ok." While kids seem to be getting along, many suffer silently, or at least out of range of their parents. Because a family is one's sense of belonging, the foundation for who one is, when that foundation is destroyed everything comes into question... Who am I? Why don't my parents love each other? Did I do something wrong? Is my whole life a lie? What will the future hold? Can I trust my parents? Can I trust my own judgments of other people? of myself? Where do I fit in? and on and on.
These issues are so deep rooted that it takes years to resolve them and for most of us there will always be lingering doubts.
While many parents recognize the symptoms...drugs. alcohol, eating disorders, depression, destructive behavior, unhealthy relationships, promiscuity, etc., the underlying problems are so deeply entrenched that they can not be solved in just a few years time or with a little therapy.
I was truly saddened to see Jon's attitude about the separation, and Kate's apparent willingness to go along with it even though she's not "keen on the idea." Those poor kids will not only have to live through a divorce once, but will keep living through it emotionally for the rest of their lives. Even worse, they'll have it on tape, in books and on the internet. All those hurtful words and deeds, that many of us block out because of the pain, are recorded to all to see and hear.
There was a landmark study on children of divorce that was developed into a book that I think every parent (and every child of divorce) should read. I mentioned it on my own blog post about Jon and Kate. It is called The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce by Julia M. Lewis. It is truly eye-opening.
Thank you for the thoughtful post!
Melissa @ Sweet Serendipity
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Permalink Reply by Beth on -
Renegade Mom said:Oh my gawd, who cares. Why do people watch this?
The part that we "watch" is for entertainment. The part that we "care" about are those children. It's a real family suffering real issues. If you don't care to watch, ignore the posts & keep your opinion to yourself. My only hope in all of this is that TLC has the common decency to cancel the show and let that family & those children deal with this the way they need to emotionally, without the world watching.
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Permalink Reply by Amy {Mom Spark & Mom Made That!} on
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For those of you who don't understand why we care--
I do feel a little silly for caring so much, but I think when you watch a show for several years that follows a real family, you almost feel like you know them. It sorta feels like your friends going through a divorce, as strange as that may sound.
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Permalink Reply by Pastiche on -
Exactly. The self-made circus train just lost some wheels.
Renegade Mom said:Oh my gawd, who cares. Why do people watch this?
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Permalink Reply by Lindsay on
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I completely agree with what you have said. Jon doesn't seem to be making an effort to make the marriage work. And I can't judge Kate, she has alot on her shoulders. I only have two kids and I lay awake at night thinking how I am going to take care of everything, and wondering what I will do if something goes wrong and my husband loeses his job. I can't even begin to imagine the sleepless nights she has had with 8 children. And if someone offered me the money to tape my family, and follow me around one or two days a week. I can't say that I would turn it down, not if I had that many mouths to feed, and all of that college money to save for.
Yeah she's strick and controling, but her life is in complete chaos, if she isn't that way then what kind of life would her kids have. And I don't think her behavior was news to Jon. I'm bet she was controling and over bearing in the begining, it probalbly just got worse after the kids were born. He knew what he married, and for him to act like he is some pour victim. That is sick. The only victims here is those kids. They have to sufffer through a divorce, and its not there fault.
I pray for the family, that they find the peace they are looking for, and that maybe Jon & Kate are able to find a way to be happy again.
Lindsay
Aimee said:I was also surprisingly sad about the divorce, especially since I've only seen a few episodes of the show.
I do feel that Kate was unfairly demonized in the press. With a husband as laid back as Jon, someone had to take control of that household! Was she overbearing? For sure, but she has EIGHT KIDS, and Jon didn't seem to be proactive at all as a parent. I sensed that if Jon were left alone with the kids for a day, Kate would have come home to six soiled diapers and a colossal mess where her tidy home once stood.
I also take issue with the judgments cast on Jon and Kate as parents in the media and on social sites. How do we know if they're good parents? We only know what editors and paparazzi allow us to see. I'm a working mother. Kate probably travels more than I do, but I'm away from my kids 40+ hours per week. She probably has WAY more time with her kids than I do, and you know what? GOOD FOR HER - if I had eight kids, I'd kill for a few nights a month in a hotel room, too!! And she's making far more money than I do, and again - good for her. Jon quit his job, and someone needs put those eight kids through college - and feed, clothe, educate and entertain them along the way.
I have sympathy for Jon, too. I'm sure he never signed up to be the father of eight. And Kate was probably a lot more laid back and fun when they got married, too.
That said, I think the fact that he's looking for apartments in NY says a lot about him. He's going to be 2.5 hours away from his kids, if he lives in NYC all the time. I take Jon for a guy who married young, got a lot more than he bargained for - or was ready for - and is looking sow some wild oats while he can.
My bet: You'll see him in the tabloids mingling with the likes of Lindsey Lohan before long.
I hope Kate's making enough to pay for a few good nannies. She's gonna need them.
Amy - thanks for introducing this topic. I guess for me, it hits home because I see so many marriages around me falling apart. I've been blessed with a wonderful husband - a best friend for life - and we talk about EVERYTHING. We see a lot of friends struggling, and it's sad and frustrating for us. Our marriage isn't perfect (who's is?) but we're committed to our family and willing to work through challenges.
But every relationship is different, and in the end, the happiness and peace of the family is the most important thing. Everyone has to do what's best for themselves and their kids.
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Permalink Reply by Kelly Nordstrom on -
Hi Amy!
Thanks for offering up your perspective on J&K. I wonder too if they had counseling or better yet, a therapist, to help sort out some things. After all, don't we all bring our own, (and very old), blueprints from childhood into a marriage? I'd pay to see Kate's blueprint.
I am SO with you on the perspective of, "when things are going well, surely something bad is around the corner". I'm always peeking around thinking, "What's up, it's too quiet, where is it, where's the bad stuff..."
Good point that children are not as resilient as we'd like to think they are. As my grandmother wrote in her journal in 1958, "Children are white sheets of paper upon which parents write a letter." Kids should walk around with signs that say, "FRAGILE. HANDLE WITH CARE".
Thanks for your post!
Kelly Nordstrom
www.momdirt.blogspot.com
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Permalink Reply by Lysette Rivera on -
I personally love this show.
Kate: is a little overbearing, but honestly unless we're in her situation (8 kids - almost all the same age...I couldn't even imagine that), we shouldn't judge. Yes, I think she's a little pushy, but she keeps things on track. I have trouble keeping up with my 3 girls and yet, she takes care of an entire household of kids - she's not the daycare giver - she's the mom. She tries to be very organized - good for her...she'd go crazy without that mindset.
Jon: I'm very disappointed in Jon. He should have stood up for himself long ago and been working on it all this time with Kate, but instead he chose to bottle his feelings until he got tired of being a doormat. Now he feels like he's only 32 (not sure what that has to do with anything - Kate didn't choose to have these children on her own) and has his whole life ahead of him. Did I mention that Kate didn't choose to have these children all by herself?? What's wrong with him? Sorry, I'm disappointed. He should have worked harder at his marriage and not left it all up to her.
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Permalink Reply by Amy {Mom Spark & Mom Made That!} on
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I agree, I'm disappointed in Jon, too. I understand why he feels frustrated, but that doesn't justify leaving. He needed to speak up LONG ago if he felt mistreated. I think it's sad that this is the way he feels "proud of himself."
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