My kids no longer ask for their dad.... what do i do?

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My children's father and I have been divorced for 3.5 years. For the first year after the seperation we lived in the same state and he saw the kids not often but he tried...Then we moved and lived in different states, for the 1st year because I felt guilty I paid for his flights to come and see them, every 4 months.... But then he made me miss my best friend's wedding of 30 years and I never forgave him, plus he does not pay me ANY child support so why should I front his visits to see his own children. Well its been 2 years since he has last saw his children, 2 years, they used to have little sad moments when they would cry and I would ask what's wrong and they would say "I miss my daddy", so i would get him on the phone.

Its been almost 3 months since they last spoke to him, he's mad at me so he hasnt called, but they also havent asked to speak to him. They dont ask for him and almost act as if they dont have a father...

I dont know what to do... I would like for them to forget him... yes he is their father, but their is so much history there and its not all good. He also has 4 other children, for a total of 4 "baby mommas". He has never hurt his children and I know he never would, the bad history is with me. But I feel like I have tried, I have done all I could to help him stay in their good graces. I can't allow for him to continue to come in to their lives then leave and not be available for them, that hurts them every time.

I think they are just getting older now and maybe they are confused? I don't know... If you have any advice on the situation I am more than willing to hear it.

Thanks!
JRacquel

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Permalink Reply by Ardyn Good on October 15, 2009 at 6:37am: How old are the kids? I went through this same thing with my ex. I felt really horrible too, believe me. Don't blame yourself, if he's not willing to work at being a father. Depending on the ages, it may just be a case of out of sight, out of mind. My son was in Pre-K, and he just seemed to forget about his father after awhile. Now that he's older, they get along great.
I'd say just give it time, that may be all it needs.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Racqui on October 15, 2009 at 6:43am: They are 5 and will be 6 in Feb. Thank you for your response.

Ardyn Good said:
How old are the kids? I went through this same thing with my ex. I felt really horrible too, believe me. Don't blame yourself, if he's not willing to work at being a father. Depending on the ages, it may just be a case of out of sight, out of mind. My son was in Pre-K, and he just seemed to forget about his father after awhile. Now that he's older, they get along great.
I'd say just give it time, that may be all it needs.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Kathleen Hogg on October 15, 2009 at 8:39am: When my parents divorced, my father left and he really left- rare visitation maybe a call every month and we lived in the same city. I know how your children feel. Don't press the issue with them. Even though you may want to, they don't need to hear grownup stuff, they already know he is a jerk but he is half their DNA, so if you badmouth him, it is like you are badmouthing them. My mother shared every gory detail, I was 12 and I should not know the things that he did, did I ever need to know. They won't forget him, he is their father. You are right, it is his job to go and see them and pay for them, but you can't change him. Simply state this. "your father loves you, but he lives far away and it is difficult for him to get here. If you want to call him we can" (then give them the phone to call), if they don't want to, they don't have to. It is him that is missing out, not them. As a parent, you love your kids no matter what, however, a child doesn't have to love the parent. The best thing you can do, is just provide them with lots of love (I am sure you do), an ear to listen if they need to talk (try to not say anything negative about him), and a big fat hug. As long as you provide a loving safe place for them, they will be ok. Trust me, I survived and came out ok, they will too.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Racqui on October 15, 2009 at 9:02am: @Kathleen Hogg, I dont bad mouth him, I catch myself talking sh*t when I am on the phone with a friend and I walk out of the room so they are not within ear shot or I have them leave the room. None of my friends or family want to hear about him, they wished long ago I stopped him from seeing the kids. But I didnt want that to be my fault, if they want to see him they can, if they want to call him they can, I never wanted to keep them from him because he didnt pay child support or any other reasons. The only reason I am considering it now is because they seem to be forgetting him and I dont want him to come back into their lives only to desert them and leave them hurt AGAIN.

Thank you for your advice, I wanted to ask them something just to see what they were feeling if anything, but I don't know, I don't want them to be confused... I know they know how much I love them and they are great kids, I have always told them "we are a team, just like dora diego and boots". :); ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Nightowlmama on October 16, 2009 at 10:22pm: I would say give him a call but sounds like he's a dead beat dad. Why aren't u seeking child support? My ex and I put all things aside for the sake of our son. We compromised for his good. good luck its not easy; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Racqui on October 17, 2009 at 4:59am: I am seeking child support, I filed all the nesccesary paperwork, but it takes time and if he is not cooperating then we never see a dollar. Most people you think you file and you automatically get child support doesnt work that way...

Their father is a deadbeat and he is also young and in a me against the world stage, in his head he is a good dad....

Nightowlmama said:
I would say give him a call but sounds like he's a dead beat dad. Why aren't u seeking child support? My ex and I put all things aside for the sake of our son. We compromised for his good. good luck its not easy; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Karla Charette on October 18, 2009 at 5:38am: All you can really do is love them, and let them know every single day that they are special. Never ever say anything bad about their father in front of them, he is as others have said "half of who they are". If they ask, let them talk to him, it is their relationship with their father that needs what little he can offer at this time. If they don't ask about him, it may be that they have understood that he is not there for them. Make sure they know it's not because they aren't loved, kids have a habit of blaming themselves for their parents not being there. One of these days, he'll grow up hopefully and the children will have a good relationship with him, learn from his mistakes and not repeat them with their own children. God Bless and give you wisdom during these hard times, you have done what is right, and thats all you can do.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Ruth Edensor on October 18, 2009 at 12:49pm: Hi,
I think there is lots of good advice here about not being negative about him in front of the children. From someone who went throuh this as a child, I never forgot my dad always thought of him even though conversation dried up about him. I would say looking back that any chance to talk and build a bridge is best to be made and if you are thinking of doing something follow your feelings and do it

A massive area to cover but glad to chat anytime good luck; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by D Mac on October 18, 2009 at 1:45pm: Hey I feel for you, I am in exactly the same situation. My kids are 12 and 13. Their mum left us six months ago. We live in the same city but their mum rarely visits or calls now. I was giving her money to take out the kids but I stopped as it became obvious she didn't seem to want to spend time with them. I have never spoken badly about her in front of the kids. My son disliked her a great deal for the way in which she went about leaving the family. I didn't want him to be poisoned by hate at 13 years old so I invested a great deal of time, energy and emotion in getting him to see things from her perspective. He now doesn't appear to have any issues with her, the last time they met he hugged her and told her he loved her. He was very happy and excited to see her. It was much tougher for my daughter she missed her mum badly but never disliked her, she always looked forward to seeing her. That has slowly changed. We went shopping last weekend for an outfit for her, being a dad I was struggling a little for advice so I rang her mum to see if she could meet and help. I offered to leave them alone and do my own thing. My daughter didn't want me to ring and my wife said she was too busy. I realised I just hurt my daughter again.
I decided that it was her loss not mine. I did everything I could to keep the relationship working so I feel no guilt for the break up. I did everything I could to keep them in touch, they all know each others number. I would like the kids to keep positive memories of their mother not negative ones. I don't want to push anyone into anything and I don't want to put my daughter through any more discomfort.
So if it helps at all I decided that I will not "interfere" any more I will not speak about their mother unless they bring it up, I will not try to "bring them together". The only thing I can influence is their environment and how they see the world so I will continue to keep a positive, organised, stable, safe and happy environment for my kids. I cannot change the way she feels or the way the kids feel about her. Therefore I shall try my hardest to not feel bad about the whole situation and do as everyone seems to want me to do. Shut up and keep my nose out hahahaha.

Best of luck.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by MoreThanMommy on October 19, 2009 at 6:38am: I had that type of "father" as well. Here's what I know... it's not your responsibility to make sure he sees the kids. It's his responsibility. It's your responsibility to never say bad things about him and to help your kids feel loved and supported. It's your responsibility to provide opportunities for him to see the kids if he can act responsibly. And, unfortunately, it will be your job to help your kids navigate their emotions over having a father who doesn't choose to be in their lives.

The reality is that it's very hard to grow up knowing that one of your parents is choosing not to be with you. Just try to be as supportive as you can. They may actually be better off, but they will need to come to that conclusion on their own. Make sure they get help from a therapist if they need it.

I think it's naive to believe that he'll someday "come around." He may, or he may not. My father died in his 50's, but I saw him one last time before he died after not seeing him in over 18 years. He had managed to convince himself that he wasn't in my life because I didn't want him there (after 8 years w/out any contact, I decided to have my stepfather adopt me). Some people just aren't cut out to be responsible parents. And he also had a number of other children by different mothers.

I just feel sorry for your kids, who are getting the short end of a stick. I think every child deserves two loving parents. Sure, you can thrive without, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve it. We can all use all the love we can get!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Racqui on October 19, 2009 at 7:27am: All of you who responded I want to say Thank you very much!! You have given me some things to ponder and also made me feel good about what I have been doing.

My babies are so loved! I will continue to make sure they feel all the love in the world and I will also make sure to keep my feelings for their sorry ass father (oops) to my self.

After not talking to him in months, he hasnt called us, his bday was 10/15 and I let them call him, I sent him a text first saying, the kids want to wish you Happy Birthday so answer, he didnt answer and he didnt call them back.

I am officially all done..... I will not try at all any more, for anything...

Thank you all so much!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Rebecca Wear Robinson on October 19, 2009 at 12:47pm: My kid's dad is overseas and rarely makes an effort. I have found doing Skype on camera helps, but mostly I've tried to explain that it is a problem with their dad, not them. Hard to do without sounding negative about their dad, but I figure the most important thing is that they realize it has nothing to do with them. I've also worked to get other positive male role models - neighbor dads, coaches, uncle, grandfather, family friend. Better to have them grow up surrounded by men who are good dads and husbands and men then someone who can't even make the effort with their own children - I want my kids to grow up to be good parents and know that joy! Good luck - we're with you! Rebecca; ▶ Reply to This