Parent shouting at my 3 year old son during birthday party
- Rating:
5 after 3 votes
Hi,
A couple of days ago, my 3 year old son and my partner went to a little neighbour's birthday party.
There was about 6 kids aged 0-6 year and their parents, all neighbours.
Most of the kids were playing in the playroom and were rather excited and noisy (they often are when we have such birthday parties).
At some point, one of the mother shouted / screemed at our son something like:
"SHUT UP! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I WAS DOING THIS TO YOU?".
My partner mentioned that she screemed this very close to one of his ear (about half a meter from one of his ear).
Our son started to cry, walked away and lie down on the floor to cry.
This is what my partner recalls.
Another neighbour mentioned that she went to my son as he was crying lying on the floor and said "this is not acceptable behavior" (I don't think she shouted for this).
Apparently, our son was not making any more noise than the other boys there (I guess the girls were quiter, they usually are).
The neighbours agree that she completely lost it.
My partner was shocked, and so was everyone else.
I don't mind grown-ups telling my son off, but I feel this was more about her not able to take it, losing it and picking on one of the child (our child, as it happens).
As parents, we are trying to provide the best education to our son and to protect him.
If our son misbehaves, we tell him off, but we don't shout at him, just raise our voice and make sure we keep control of ourselves at all time even when we feel at the edge.
It is often more difficult to "take it" when we are exhausted after a long day at work, but I think even (especially) when we are tired, we make our best effort to make sure we tell our son off in a controlled way rather than take it on him.
We have never shouted at our son, and we can't imagine how we could possibly shout at another child!
As far as we are aware, this would have been the first time an adult shouts at our son.
I feel sad and upset that we failed to protect our son at this occasion.
Considering how close she shouted into his hear, we also wonder if we should be concerned for his hearing.
What do you think of what happend?
What would you have done at the time? What would you do now?
How can one make sure something similar does not happen again in the future?
Thanks
Lucile
A couple of days ago, my 3 year old son and my partner went to a little neighbour's birthday party.
There was about 6 kids aged 0-6 year and their parents, all neighbours.
Most of the kids were playing in the playroom and were rather excited and noisy (they often are when we have such birthday parties).
At some point, one of the mother shouted / screemed at our son something like:
"SHUT UP! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I WAS DOING THIS TO YOU?".
My partner mentioned that she screemed this very close to one of his ear (about half a meter from one of his ear).
Our son started to cry, walked away and lie down on the floor to cry.
This is what my partner recalls.
Another neighbour mentioned that she went to my son as he was crying lying on the floor and said "this is not acceptable behavior" (I don't think she shouted for this).
Apparently, our son was not making any more noise than the other boys there (I guess the girls were quiter, they usually are).
The neighbours agree that she completely lost it.
My partner was shocked, and so was everyone else.
I don't mind grown-ups telling my son off, but I feel this was more about her not able to take it, losing it and picking on one of the child (our child, as it happens).
As parents, we are trying to provide the best education to our son and to protect him.
If our son misbehaves, we tell him off, but we don't shout at him, just raise our voice and make sure we keep control of ourselves at all time even when we feel at the edge.
It is often more difficult to "take it" when we are exhausted after a long day at work, but I think even (especially) when we are tired, we make our best effort to make sure we tell our son off in a controlled way rather than take it on him.
We have never shouted at our son, and we can't imagine how we could possibly shout at another child!
As far as we are aware, this would have been the first time an adult shouts at our son.
I feel sad and upset that we failed to protect our son at this occasion.
Considering how close she shouted into his hear, we also wonder if we should be concerned for his hearing.
What do you think of what happend?
What would you have done at the time? What would you do now?
How can one make sure something similar does not happen again in the future?
Thanks
Lucile
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Dawn Noe Matthews on -
Lucile -
I am so truly sorry for what your son had to experience. No child should ever have to be subject to any behavior such as that from an adult or anyone for that matter. Whether she was having a bad day or getting tired is absolutely no excuse. If your neighbor thought that your child was not behaving properly than she should have approached your partner - not your child. She was totally out of line in her actions. I would not have been happy in the situation at all if it was my child - or if I saw any child treated in that way. I would have left with my child so as not to subject him/her to any more of the outlandish behavior of the neighbor. I would then later the next day approach her and require an explanation as to why she felt she had the entitlement to speak to my child in the tone she did. Then I would demand an apology be handed to my child for her behavior.
I hope my thoughts help you. I also hope your son does not have any lasting memories of her behavior.
Dawn
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Permalink Reply by Jackie Lee on -
Wow,
That is messed up. I am by no means a perfect parent, and I lose my temper sometimes and raise my voice, but I would NEVER do it to someone else's kid, and I would expect no on to ever do that to my kid either.
Are you really close to these people, or just neighbors? Because if you're not really friends I'm not sure I would trust my daughter to be with her without me. I mean, if she was willing to behave that way in front of everyone, I would certainly wonder what she might do when others weren't there watching.
I would be really careful about letting my daughter have interaction with her personally.
I'm really sorry you had to deal with that, I'm sure your son's hearing will be fine ~ they are pretty resilient.
Good luck,
Jackie
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Permalink Reply by anne on -
What a rude,ignorant Mom she was. I have to say that you've got the right idea, stick to it.
If it ever happens again you should take aside the person concerned - (away from your son's view) and calmly explain to them that their behaviour is not acceptable and that you, as a Mom are the only person that can reprimand your son. Sadly we are always going to find people like this. Just reassure your son that you aren't angry with him and that he didn't do anything wrong. The Hostess should have stepped in I feel.
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Permalink Reply by Nightowlmama on -
Where's the part when your partner puts that women in her place? What gives her the right to reprimand someone else's child. Not to mention she could of caused him some hearing loss.
I can't believe not 1 other person at that party didn't stick up for your child. If he was being loud? he's 3! I'm a mother of 4 with a 3 yr old that would not of been dropped so easily.
Hugs to your baby for having to go through such a bad experience.
Its not to late to contact her
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Permalink Reply by Spottie on -
I hate confrontation so I would have probably left...if my child would want to. Obviously I would comfort my son and ask him what he needs. Talk about it when he is calm. I also probably would avoid going to any functions with that neighbor. Similar situations happened to me but my kids were not that little! You're a good Mom and there's no way to predict and avoid the behaviors of others. You'll notice if his hearing has been affected...your son will let you know. I'd take your cues from your son. He'll let you know what he is and is not comfortable with. Unfortunately this may not be the last time this happens...he may be in the care of another authority figure who yells (teachers yell). Just empower him on how to handle it next time with behavior that is comfortable for his age at the time.
Okay, now that you've done that...let it go! "~)
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Permalink Reply by Ms. Latina on -
Obviously that other mother was having a melt-down but she should not have taken it out on your child. She should have spoken to him and walked over to your partner if it was something extreme; however, based on your explanation it did not appear that way.
Your partner should have said something to the other parent but for whatever reason did not. I still believe you should approach the other parent to discuss what happened. Try to remain reasonable as I know this can be an extremely emotional time for a parent. This is better done sooner than later, especially since she is from your neighborhood and an encounter with her is inevitable.
Wishing you the best and hugs to your son!
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Permalink Reply by Danie Bell on -
No way. That mom needs to be checked up. Kids that small are just now learning manners and how to act. They will learn and grow as time goes on. That mom needs to chill and not be so short tempered.
WE all have our days and blow up at our kids for no reason other than just LIFE's problems.
I am sorry your child had to go through that, but being so young he won't remember much.
I feel sorry for her kids.
Good Luck if you have to see her sometime. I would have to say something. Don't let it go. Or she'll
do it again.
Take Care,
Danie
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Permalink Reply by Lucile on -
Hi,
Thank you all for all your replies full of support.
My partner was so shocked he just didn't know what to do at the time this happened. After my partner and son went back home, my partner subtly asked my son what he thought of the party, what he liked and what he didn't like. My son mentioned he did not like when the mum shouted. My partner mentioned about the noise that must have annoyed her and asked him whether he wanted to go and appologise to her. Our son said yes, so they went to see her and my son appologised to her. As expected by my partner, she then took the opportunity to appologise at her turn.
When I came back later that evening, my partner told me the story (which I couldn't initially believe). I thought what she did was out of order. I also thought my partner did the right thing by creating an opportunity for her to appologise to our son. And then I just couldn't think of anything else than this sad event and worrying about his physical health (earing) and the psychological effect this could have on him. I felt sad and upset, because I felt we failed to protect our son. Also because up to now, we had a great neighborhood relationship with all the neighbours.
I then thought maybe my partner did not do the best thing by suggesting our son appologises because if something similar happens to him when we are not there, we would like to know about it and maybe if he feels responsible for it, then he would not tell us. I tried to find the answer about what to do in situations like this. I discussed it with a couple of people I trust and did some research on the web. I came across this web site: http://www.verbalabuse.com/page3/page7/page7.html , in particular the "When Children Hear Verbal Abuse" section:
"If your child is yelled at or put down in any way, she or he needs your support. Sometimes a parent may inadvertently teach a child to put up with abuse. It is sometimes helpful to ask yourself, "Is there anything in what I've said that minimizes the abuse?"
If a child is told by a parent, "She [he] didn't mean that," the child's experience is invalidated and his or her pain discounted. The abuse is minimized and the child is taught to tolerate it.
Minimizing abuse is something most people are taught. To say, "Forget it. He was just having a bad day" may seem like a way to make the pain go away, but it just leaves the hurt inside. And it's crazymaking. (Does having a bad day make abuse okay?) "
I think what happend is actually a mild form of verbal abuse and this is the answer I was looking for. Indeed, people try to minimised verbal violence and that's exactly what we did initially. But after thinking it through, it didn't feel right to teach your child to accept this kind of violence.
After I read this article, I decided to speak to our son about what happend (I hadn't done so yet). I took an opportunity when it was just the 2 of us in a quite time to ask him about the birthday party. He mentioned the shouting and was acting a bit unusual (trying to hide his face). I told him that what happend wasn't right and that one should not shout, adults included. I told him that in this situation, what this mum did was wrong, that she should not have shouted. I also told him that adults were not always right and that sometimes they do things that are wrong. I told him that if an adult does something that is wrong, like shouting or something else, then he should tell us.
I will also speak to the mum when I get a chance.
Our son seems fine and it looks like my partner and I were the ones who got the most upset.
Well, next time we will be prepared!
May this thread be useful for other parents as well (hopefully before they need it rather than after).
Take care and take care of your kids.
Lucile
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Permalink Reply by MariaD on -
She probably miscalculated her volume. She may have wanted to make a point to your kid. I doubt she wanted to make him cry.
Some families are casually very loud. I have two friends who live nearby, so I often visit them together. One family is way quieter than we are, so I feel like I am at a library while visiting them. The other family is way louder than we are, so I feel like I am visiting a sports event where everybody cheers.
The problem is that the lady did not apologize afterward by herself, and did not try to console the kid. This part I find hard to swallow. People will make your kid cry occasionally, if by accident, but they should try and fix it right away when it happens.
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Permalink Reply by Charlotte on -
Although it seems that what the other parent did was uncalled for, she did apologize (seems like that's what you said) and it's done with.
We all want to protect our kids from things like this but unfortunately you can't protect them from everything. I have found that if any incident takes place with any of my kids, I ask them how they feel about it and talk about it with them. Let the child know that you are concerned but don't spend too much time on it. What's done is done and if you have spoken with the child and resolved any other issues, then it's time to let it go. I know it's upsetting but if you dwell on it, it will just make things worse.
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Permalink Reply by Amelia Dellos on -
Lucile:
I am so sorry that this happened to you and your family. It was not appropriate behavior for your neighbor. In these tough economic times, everyone is really on edge. Who knows what was going on with her or how she treats her children but it was wrong. At the time, if I had my witts about me, I would have stepped in and asked her to not yell at my child. Your partner was probably in complete shock at the time. Honestly, I am sure I would have handled it the same way. When you are taken off guard like that.
If you want to have a relationship with your neighbor, I would sit down over a cup of coffee and talk to her in a non-threatening way or have your partner talk to her. I would try to find out what was going on with her. Is she under a lot of stress? Try to figure out if this was a one time thing. I am more concerned about how she treats her children if she feels that it is appropriate to treat your child like that.
Honestly, to ensure it doesn't happen again, you may just have to cut ties with them. My concern is that it is one thing to loose it, we all do from time to time, but the fact that she didn't seem to realize that the behavior was inappropriate is a concern. Like you we always try to keep our tempers in check, our child is three also, and our fundamental belief is that the child acts off the adult's energy.
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Permalink Reply by Rugbymom on -
Hi Lucile,
As we say in the south, Bless your heart! That person's behavior was completely inappropriate. I'm curious if you know this person well and expect to have your child play with her child/chidlren in the future? If so, then I believe it needs to be addressed directly. If this happened to my daughter, I would pull that parent aside and tell her she needed to apologize to my child and to me for singling them out. I would not humiliate another parent in front of the children, but that behavior is completely unacceptable. Completely. As a matter of fact, it would be very tough for the Mama Bear, redneck side of me to not have unleash some hell on her a**!
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