Parent shouting at my 3 year old son during birthday party

Rating: 5 after 3 votes

Hi,

A couple of days ago, my 3 year old son and my partner went to a little neighbour's birthday party.
There was about 6 kids aged 0-6 year and their parents, all neighbours.
Most of the kids were playing in the playroom and were rather excited and noisy (they often are when we have such birthday parties).
At some point, one of the mother shouted / screemed at our son something like:
"SHUT UP! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I WAS DOING THIS TO YOU?".
My partner mentioned that she screemed this very close to one of his ear (about half a meter from one of his ear).
Our son started to cry, walked away and lie down on the floor to cry.
This is what my partner recalls.
Another neighbour mentioned that she went to my son as he was crying lying on the floor and said "this is not acceptable behavior" (I don't think she shouted for this).
Apparently, our son was not making any more noise than the other boys there (I guess the girls were quiter, they usually are).
The neighbours agree that she completely lost it.
My partner was shocked, and so was everyone else.

I don't mind grown-ups telling my son off, but I feel this was more about her not able to take it, losing it and picking on one of the child (our child, as it happens).
As parents, we are trying to provide the best education to our son and to protect him.
If our son misbehaves, we tell him off, but we don't shout at him, just raise our voice and make sure we keep control of ourselves at all time even when we feel at the edge.
It is often more difficult to "take it" when we are exhausted after a long day at work, but I think even (especially) when we are tired, we make our best effort to make sure we tell our son off in a controlled way rather than take it on him.
We have never shouted at our son, and we can't imagine how we could possibly shout at another child!
As far as we are aware, this would have been the first time an adult shouts at our son.
I feel sad and upset that we failed to protect our son at this occasion.
Considering how close she shouted into his hear, we also wonder if we should be concerned for his hearing.

What do you think of what happend?
What would you have done at the time? What would you do now?
How can one make sure something similar does not happen again in the future?

Thanks

Lucile

▶ Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Kimberley Clayton Blaine on June 22, 2009 at 7:09am: I'm sorry this happened. Adults are the most influential role models for children. Can you imagine how your son must 'see' this woman ( a grown up who is suppose to protect children)? Scary, mean and controlling. Children need guidance and redirection. If the deed is truly unacceptable, then appropriate consequences. When an adult yells and berates a child (especially in public) it never solves the issue. Three year-olds rarely know the right thing to do -- they depend on trusted adults to guide them and show them the way. The best time to address an 'inappropriate act' (her screaming in his ear) by an adult is at the time it happened. A similar situation happened and I comforted my son (in public) and explained to him what the rules were (in case he did indeed do something wrong) and then comforted him by empathizing, by saying "I'm sorry she yelled at you she was trying to make things okay, I know that scared you come sit with mommy." I would also have asked if his ear is okay and continue to say, "I know it may hurt when someone yells near your ear." Empathy allows your child to feel understood. In private you can talk about this with you son and explain that some adults yell at children and other people because they don't know any other way. You can say, "In our family we talk, but other families yell, I'm sorry she sacred you." You won't always be there to protect him, but you your can prepare him and teach him that not ll grown-ups behave the same. By providing empathy you allow your child to become close to you. Let him know that he can ALWAYS come to you when a grown-up scares him. Being there is more important than protecting, because sometimes mommy and daddy won't be there, so giving him the tools will truly help :-)

Twittermoms are here for you. Come back next time any thing happens like this and we'll help you through.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Veronica Nadan on June 22, 2009 at 7:32am: You neighbor was way out of line. She embarrassed your son and made a complete ass out of herself. I would let this one go. In the future, if you see her stepping into your or your partners "parenting role" I would tell her firmly and politely that you will handle the situation yourself. If she doesn't get the hint that she is overstepping her boundaries, I would consider limiting the number of play dates. She has no right to inappropriately discipline your child and possibly damage his self esteem because she can't keep her cool.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Carol Greenburg on June 22, 2009 at 8:10am: Unfortunately, this type of thing happens to my six-year-old all the time. He is usually pretty well behaved, but even when he does something he shouldn't, I don't feel he deserves to be screamed at by any out-of-control adult including me. My son is autistic. On the rare occassions that he does upset another child or adult, it is most often because he doesn't understand what constitutes proper behavior in a given situation.

Recently, he wanted to play with a younger child at the playground. He's working very hard on learning how to engage other kids appropriately, but his minimal language skills, difficulty with eye-contact and generally impaired social skills make this very hard for him right now. He shoved the other child to get his attention, and the other child, and quite understandably started crying. I was right there, I always have to stay close not just to control my own child's behavior, but to make sure other kids don't mess with him because he can't tell me when someone has hurt him. Unfortuneately I still don't always have time to intervene before the other kid's parent starts screaming at my kid. And unfortunately that's just what happened here.

Let me be very clear, my son does not get to push other kids. It doesn't matter what his intention was; his disability does NOT EVER give him a free pass to behave in a socially unacceptable way. He must be corrected, but that has to happen through me, my husband or whichever adult to whom we entrust his care. Random adults should refrain from correcting him, not only for moral reasons but on a practical level they simply won't get through to him no matter how much they reason. Or scream.

So here, as usual, I started with a simple explanation: "He may not understand you. He's autistic." I don't apologize for him. He can do that for himself, and you can be sure I don't let him leave the scene until he does. And as usual the other parent was mortified when they learned they had just been screaming at a disabled child.

This often happens. Nine times out of ten, it's the OTHER adult who wants to run away from my son-- and me-- the minute I intervene,. The adult who had been hollering moments before is suddenly embarrassed by their own actions, maybe rightfully so, but what I need most from them is their continued presence, however uncomfortable that makes them. (I've not had to pin any large men to the floor yet to make them stay, but I'm certainly not above that ) They don't get to leave until after my son recognizes what he's done wrong, uses his words to apologize and shows me he's learned from the experience. And so in the end, both wrong-doers, whether they meant to misbehave or not, are effectively corrected.

Now, I understand that my son's situation is unusual, but I think there are applications to typically developing children as well. Stay close to your kid in public places and keep an eye and ear out for any interactions they have with other children or other adults. If you can step in smiling before ANYONE starts screaming or crying, you can prevent chidren's--and adult--tantrums. If you actively take responsibility for your children by correcting them before anyone else gets the chance, or by politely asking how you can help before the crisis escalates, you can quash most brewing storms.

One last point. My son and I always try to leave on a high note. Together we seek out the offended parties and say a friendly goodbye. That way, everyone has at least some good memories of the encounter, and are more likely to behave better next time.

Aspieadvocate
(Carol Greenburg)
Follow me on Twitter and check out my company's Facebook Page, Brooklyn Special Needs Consulting; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Angela Moore on June 22, 2009 at 8:14am: I'm so sorry that this happened to you! I have no problem with other parents correct my children *appropriately* if they see them doing something that is hurting another child. I've personally told other kids to stop hitting my kids or being mean to them. But to scream at someone else's child? Wow. I would have approached my child and made sure they were all right and then gone to the parent and asked them that if something like that happened again to please find me and I'll correct the behavior. I keep a close eye on my kids when we're out at playgrounds or birthday parties for just such situations. I hope your son is ok...; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by AndreaM on June 22, 2009 at 9:01am: While it is possible that the yelling woman has a different parenting style that includes yelling, I wonder if something more is wrong. It seems odd that an adult, at a party and in the company of many other adults, did not control herself better. Public humiliation like that is abusive. As you said, other people observed that she "completely lost it".

If this woman is in your social circle I would stay away from her. And obviously don't let your child be in her care alone.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Karen Reynolds on June 22, 2009 at 5:11pm: This was unfortunate not only for you but for your son. He's 3, that had to be tramatic for him let alone even begin to understand what and why this just happened. She was totally out of line. She should have said it to him in more calm voice, if he did not stop, she should have confronted you or your partner. Maybe you should ask her how she would have felt if that were you doing that to her son/daughter. I doubt she would have liked it. She's very lucky you didn't get in her face. I know some people would have beat the crap out of her.

I have had plenty of those types of parties, I know they can get on your nerves, but they are way too young to understand. You just have to know that going into it and be as patient as possible. Maybe next time she should't ask so many people to come if she can't handle it or wait until they are a little older.

If it were me in that situation, I would have confronted her and asked her what's going on what did he do. Then I would have said, I don't appreciate how you handled that, in the future, please come get me if he's a problem and will not listen or mind you. Especially since you were there.

In the future, I would tell the person up front, if my son misbehaves and will not mind or listen to you, please come get me or call me, I will come get him and take care of it. We tell other parents this all the time. If our kids are not behaving and they have to call me, I tell them to send them home. Then they are not allowed to go back until they apologize. If other kids at our home do not behave or listen to us, we send them home and explain why they are going home.

Good Luck.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Kim Kihega on June 22, 2009 at 7:34pm: I'm sorry to hear that happened to you and your son. I would never let anyone talk to my son like that. I would have told her how and felt and left immediately. I would tell her I didn't appreciate the way she spoke to him, and I wouldn't speak to her anymore until she apologized. She had no right to speak to another person's child in that way. I would have been furious!

Kimberly; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Lisa on June 23, 2009 at 6:45pm: What sane person tells a child (and someone else's for that matter) to Shut Up? Please, please speak to her. You and your partner sound like such nice people who don't want to be confrontational, but at least start the conversation by asking her what was your child's behavior like that day since you were not there and just let her ramble on. End it by telling her that you do not talk that way to your child and you wouldn't talk that way to her children or anyone else's. Decide from the outcome of this conversation if you should continue any form of friendship with her, but I would personally never allow my children to be alone with her ever!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Martha Scully on June 24, 2009 at 10:21am: Wow, that's a tough situation. Every family behaves differently and has different views on discipline. However, as your partner was in attendance, it is not her place to provide discipline.

It is very important for anyone leaving their children in the care of someone else to express how they view discipline. For example, if you are hiring a nanny, ask her how she views dicipline, and pose a few scenarios. This will allow you to see how she would react and treat your child. If you disagree, mention how you would have handled it, and try to reach an agreement with her on how to discipline in the future.

I'm sorry that this situation occured to you and was so upsetting. Let's hope that that mum considers her actions beforehand next time, and that your son learns a lesson on how to treat other people.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by doula6angelita on June 24, 2009 at 7:06pm: First of all, my sympathies to you and your partner. This is not acceptable behaviour and is therefore intolerable.

One of the things that should be done is a confrontation of the neighbour. Find out what happened from her perspective and then briskly state that if there is a problem with your son in future, that you and your partner would appreciate in future if those comments are directed to you so that you may handle it.

Another is that you can have the hearing checked. Also, do not feel that it is too late; you are now prepared for any future incidents in the future.

Good luck!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Jeanne on June 24, 2009 at 7:39pm: I'd be extremely upset, and would've faced that parent directly. Explaining that I don't approve of other parents shouting at MY child, that I wouldnt do that to HER children.

I would STILL confront her even today. There's no way I'd let anyone get away with that .; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by debby on October 5, 2009 at 3:03am: Your child is very loving, and you never shout at another child is your best policy. If she shouted at your child please do not take it seriously, children are innocent and mostly loved by everybody, they never have intensions to harm you and who shouts at them habitually sympathy words . . .; ▶ Reply to This