Spanking. Do you believe in it? Why or why not? And if so, how do you decide when is it time for one?

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Meg Hansen on July 1, 2009 at 11:52am

Thanks, Nicole. After some self evaluating, there has been some issues that have been on-going for me. I have been taking a different approach to my son since I posted this topic and have gotten all the wonderful suggestions. I am having a very difficult time at my job and I feel exactly like you suggested...disregarded and not heard. So, I think its a mixed bag of me, my son and just life in general but definately a lot of me and the way I have been approaching situations with my son.

Thanks.

Nicole A. Tucker said:

Hello Meg:

Children are a direct reflection of their parents' fears, upsets, joys, talents and so on. You state that you are having a challenging time with your son not listening to you; do you see this reflected in your own life - do you feel that you are not being heard in your life...at home, work, etc? Or are you not listening to yourself - your inner voice, intuition? As a suggestion, explore and address your own personal angst and you will see a change in your son's behavior.

All the best,
Nicole
www.WholeCreations.com
http://twitter.com/OrganicWomBaby

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Kim on July 1, 2009 at 1:11pm

No one can make this decision for you and you should do what you feel is best for your son. Parents know their children best and know what they will or will not respond to. Personally, we have used spanking as a discipline method and our children are very well behaved, well mannered children. We often get compliments from strangers on how well they behave in public. They are older now, though, so we no longer spank, but if nothing else worked when they were younger, then yes, they got a swat or two. My generation was spanked as children and we turned out just fine, so I do not view spanking as a negative thing.

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Elena LaVictoire on July 1, 2009 at 1:30pm

I watch the Nanny on t.v. - I get the same results she does in half the time - BECAUSE I SPANK MY KIDS WHEN THEY NEED IT. Lay down the rules. Break the rules get a warning. Do it again, get a spanking. That all said I RARELY need to spank now because I used spanking to begin with. My youngest is 4. She gets it about once every two months now if that. The oldest is 20 and he turned out okay (full employed as an emergency medical technician) so I must be doing something right!

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Jacki Matthews on July 1, 2009 at 1:33pm

Spanking sends the wrong message. I believe your intention is to get his attention and you can do that so much more effectively without hitting. Use strong ,assertive body language along with attention getting vocals (not just screaming). MAKE YOUR POINT WITH GREAT EMPHASIS. Also know that he is finding his boundaries. Consistently show them to him leaving out the emotion unless he could be harmed. I have used these techniques for 19 years and it worked great. I have amazing kids and Im so glad I can say that I never hit them.

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Michelle Blandy on July 1, 2009 at 1:34pm

This is quite a controversial subject :) I was spanked when I was young, and I've chosen to not spank my daughter under any circumstances. There was a national report published recently on the effects of physical punishment.

The research supports several conclusions:

There is little research evidence that physical punishment improves children's behavior in the long term.
There is substantial research evidence that physical punishment makes it more, not less, likely that children will be defiant and aggressive in the future.
There is clear research evidence that physical punishment puts children at risk for negative outcomes, including increased mental health problems.
There is consistent evidence that children who are physically punished are at greater risk of serious injury and physical abuse.

Here's the web page with the full report and tips for effective discipline:
http://www.phoenixchildrens.com/about/community-outreach-education/...

I hope this helps!

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Featherwisp on July 1, 2009 at 1:37pm

That age can be tricky. My three year old responds best to time outs and having things taken away. If he rams his older brother with his bike, he doesn't get to ride the bike for the rest of the day.

I have spanked in the past, but it just doesn't seem to be a punishment that works for us. I found, for my boys at least, that being able to remind them that disobeying the rules (or me) results in a specific punishment (taking away the bike, no computer time, etc) works much better. They remember not getting to do something they liked, and try not to repeat the bad behavior.

Now for a three year old, they sometimes just get in one of those moods where nothing seems to work. You've tried everything and they just won't listen. That's when I bring out the biggest weapon: NAP TIME. If they are too tired or cranky to listen or follow the rules, they get nap time. Even my 6 1/2 year old occasionally gets a nap when he decides to get stubborn about something.

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Kim Guymon on July 1, 2009 at 1:42pm

Spanking has been outlawed in Scandinavia - actually, pretty much all discipline has been. Most forms of punishment is illegal. When we were in Copenhagen, I have never seen such a bunch of out-of-control kids with a bunch of bewildered, push-over parents. The children were literally doing anything they wanted to and the parents were just standing there passively watching. Sometimes a quick swat on the rear gets their attention. You don't have to go for pain, but for "shock and awe". I often see parents saying, "You're not making a good choice right now" to children tearing the HECK out of a display in a store or smacking the parent repeatedly. It makes me laugh because the kid couldn't care less at that moment about what you're saying or whether or not they're making a good choice. Children are ruled by their emotions and reason doesn't work when they are small.

I was VERY hard on my kids (not with just spanking but just really getting on them when their behavior was out of line), and now that they are adolescents, I have been able to back off a lot as they now know what acceptable behavior is. There are still times when they don't listen and I say, "Do I need to swat you on the rear to pop open your ears?" I never have to do it, but they get the point.

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by overallbeauty ~ Kim Snyder on July 1, 2009 at 1:44pm

Having had two boys I found that spanking worked with one but not the other. I have a autistic son so spanking didn't work as well. I think its a personal choice and once you make it, stand by it. Whatever you do back it up. Don't be wishy washy about it.
I see way too many children these days in the stores that throw fits because they are not getting their way and their parents give in to them to make them behave. And who is the parent?
There are always other ways to help a child change their behavior. I didn't spank my sons as they got older because spanking was more of a shock to them when I did. Meaning when you spank a diaper its a shock that it happens but its not painful.
I agree you never tell a child he is bad or wrong that only he is making wrong choices. As my son's got older what worked better was taking away things, and the worse ever was sitting on a bed alone in his room. No noise, only come out for bathroom breaks and dinner. I only had to do that once and it worked.
I and my husband grew up in very abusive families so we know what hitting does to a child. Hitting a child and spanking a child should never be the same.
I used it and it worked, but again each child is different, each situation is different.

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Shan on July 1, 2009 at 1:59pm

I believe in spanking your child. I spank my own. We do use timeouts, taking away toys & privileges, etc. But sometimes that does not work and we have to step it up a bit. My daughter has an iron will (she's 4). She has also sometimes laughed during her discipline (I really don't get that one). I discipline my child because I love her & it is my job to teach her right from wrong, boundaries & respect of herself & others.

I do not fully believe in being your child's "friend". You are their parent first & they need to learn to respect that. I do, however, want my child to know that I love her unconditionally & she can talk to me about anything, anytime.

The spanking is the last resort for us when other methods have not worked. Or if she has done something that is a big no no (and this is an already established rule) or she has been mean to someone (ie, hitting, spitting, throwing things). I do not believe that spanking a child incites violence in them or makes them think that hitting is OK. Quite the contrary, I think it teaches them respect & boundaries, if you use it judiciously. My brother & I were spanked as children. He became a police officer & I became a psych nurse who worked in the state prison system. I think we turned out just fine.

Remember, not all disciplinary methods work for all children or families. I do not personally subscribe to the whole PC form of parenting, but that is me. I use different methods depending on what the situation warrants. You need to find out what works for your child and you.

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Christi Glaser on July 1, 2009 at 2:08pm

I believe spanking can be useful if it is done in the *right* way. I don't believe your children are a direct reflection of your feelings and emotions. (To me, that is ridiculous. I have three kids and they are polar opposites in a lot of ways.) The only time I spank my kids are if they hurt each other or do something that can endanger themselves. They know this is why and they are smart enough to understand that the severity of the crime determines the severity of the punishment. They are also smart enough to know and remember that I do it because I love them and don't want to see them or anyone else hurt. Therefore, they know I do it out of love and they can see when I spank them that I am not angry and I certainly do not enjoy it. If anything, they see how concerned I am (sometimes to the point of being fearful for them). The fact that they were spanked indicates to them that what they did was terribly against the rules. They know that hitting someone with a rock is worse than taunting, for example. If you use the same type of punishment for everything, they won't get that. They don't understand that some things are worse than others. Knowing this is important to developing a healthy conscience. The idea that kids who aren't spanked grow up to not hit other people is also false. It is basic instinct for kids to act aggressively when they do not have the words to use. It is not a learned behaviour. It is truly an instinct. It is a necessary survival skill all humans are born with and should be allowed to develop. It is just your responsibility to make sure it is developed in a healthy and safe environment - one that demonstrates the right reasons for using it.

Someone said that it is hard to know when to stop spanking. "When is it too much?" Let me give you another story. Say you are in the park and a person, for whatever reason, begins to physically harm your child. Will you use physical force to protect your child? Of course you would. Just like you'd fight off a rabid dog or a hungry bear. How would you explain that to your child? What words would you use to explain your actions for hurting the bear? That is the same way you explain why you are spanking them for throwing a rock. Kids need to know there are severe consequences for certain things that they do as well as for what others do, in order to make them feel safe and secure. That is just my two cents worth.

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Meg Hansen on July 1, 2009 at 6:59pm

Thanks, Shan. My son does the same thing when I discipline him...laughs. It drives me nuts. I think however it is his way of dealing with it. Almost like a nervous reaction. Its inappropriate but I think that they are just filled with emotion and sometimes I think it becomes overwhelming for them.

Shan said:

I believe in spanking your child. I spank my own. We do use timeouts, taking away toys & privileges, etc. But sometimes that does not work and we have to step it up a bit. My daughter has an iron will (she's 4). She has also sometimes laughed during her discipline (I really don't get that one). I discipline my child because I love her & it is my job to teach her right from wrong, boundaries & respect of herself & others.

I do not fully believe in being your child's "friend". You are their parent first & they need to learn to respect that. I do, however, want my child to know that I love her unconditionally & she can talk to me about anything, anytime.

The spanking is the last resort for us when other methods have not worked. Or if she has done something that is a big no no (and this is an already established rule) or she has been mean to someone (ie, hitting, spitting, throwing things). I do not believe that spanking a child incites violence in them or makes them think that hitting is OK. Quite the contrary, I think it teaches them respect & boundaries, if you use it judiciously. My brother & I were spanked as children. He became a police officer & I became a psych nurse who worked in the state prison system. I think we turned out just fine.

Remember, not all disciplinary methods work for all children or families. I do not personally subscribe to the whole PC form of parenting, but that is me. I use different methods depending on what the situation warrants. You need to find out what works for your child and you.

▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Amy B on July 2, 2009 at 5:23am

I just can't agree with spanking, even when I'm at my wits end with my own 3.5 yr old son. I too have thought what else can I do when sometimes nothing seems to work - but spanking only teaches that hitting is ok - they are so impressionable at this age and my son is very black and white, extremely literal. So I tend to get down to his level and will take away whatever is the most important thing for him in that moment, or the typical time-out. I try to only use the time-out for big stuff so that it's not used too much. And when I do time-out I do not talk to him, which drives him nuts, so it's a big motivator for us. I feel for you though, as I also have a 14 month old who's non-stop action and it's hard.

▶ Reply to This

▶ Reply to This

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• 2
• 3
• 4
• Next ›
• Page