What to do about un involved grandparents?

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Permalink Reply by Mrs. C on April 25, 2009 at 9:21am

Ya know I am having the same problem. My father hasn't talked with his grandkids in 3 years but he wants to come to my sons graduation. He has totally failed us. I told him when graduation was and left it at that, I said the house will be a mess cause we are moving but you can come. I also sent a email later asking why he wanted to come, he hasn't talked with Jr in 3 years and it's been difficult for us to keep him in school and out of jail. He hasn't answered yet, don't know it he will. But I think god moved us up here and into this huge house with a huge rent so we could have the Cookes next door (the landlords) in our lives. They are the ones who stepped in while my husband was in Iraq (both times) and helped out. I always tell them (it's going on 7 years now) that we wouldn't be here if it weren't for them. I believe this in my heart.... Keep them connected with people that really care about them. You don't want them thinking that there is something wrong with them as to why those people don't' want to spend time with them. I have always been open and honest and not nasty about what's happening. This time I told my now 19 year old son what happened and why I wrote the letter. I said you deserve better than this. The way he contacted us was just stupid, he did it by commenting on my blog. He didn't call, email or nothing. So we'll see. But I told my son that the people who love him most will be there and those are the Cooke's...
Good luck and I'll give a little pray.
DeAnna Chandler

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Permalink Reply by Nanette on April 27, 2009 at 7:04pm

How does this grandparent act towards the kids when they are around and how does this grandparent act towards other grandchildren?

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Permalink Reply by janetta knighton on April 28, 2009 at 8:34am

Thank you DeAnna for your reply it was very helpful! And I can always use the little prayer. Nanette thanks for replying as well. There are no other grand kids my husbands an only child! She acts ok when shes around the kids enjoy her. But after its over its like, "ok I mark that off my to do list!" "They should be good for a year or two." Its wierd.
Nanette said:

How does this grandparent act towards the kids when they are around and how does this grandparent act towards other grandchildren?

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Permalink Reply by Michele on May 4, 2009 at 2:23pm

Honestly? There's nothing you can do. I wouldn't write them off unless they're actually mean, abusive, or hurtful to the children when they're together. Other than that - they are what they are. All you can do is invite them to the birthdays, send birthday and Christmas cards, and that's it. I figure my only responsibility is to make sure the lines stay open. Invite them when appropriate, and then don't hold my breath. If the kids ask why so and so isn't there, be honest. "I don't know" is perfectly reasonable. I tried really really hard in the early years - and all it did was frustrate ME. We have one set of grandparents that are very active in the nitty gritty, good and bad, and another who really don't want to be bothered but once a year. I've written them off, but keep the relationship lines open. I just finally realized I have too much else to spend my emotion points on. The kids won't really suffer. We're not talking about a parent - we're talking about a grandparent. Would their lives be enhanced? Probably. Will their lives suffer greatly? no. Eventually, I realized it's the grandparents' loss. Once I stopped trying - they realized it too after a few years, and are now taking steps to be a part of my kids' lives. I do believe - as the adult children - it's up to us to keep the lines of communication open, but if that's been done, you can't force a relationship on anyone.

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Permalink Reply by gargiuloa on May 6, 2009 at 10:21am

I have a similar situation, but my Mom and step dad only live 5 mins. away. My mom only wants to be around my 11 year old son and 6 year old daughter when it's good for her which is once every couple of months, and like I said she lives right down the street. I have told her that I do not think she is doing a good job as a grandparent and told her is she does not make an effort to be better at it that I would not allow them to be around her at all. I know this may seem drastic but it hurts the kids feelings that she doesn't come to see them or take them places like they hear about from their friends. I think that the Grandparent is missing out and your kids should not be the one to suffer for someone's short comings!!
I don't know if that helps but that is my 2 cents, hope everything works out!!

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Permalink Reply by janetta knighton on May 6, 2009 at 7:08pm

Thanks Michele! That was great! Something to think about. I guess thats what i've been doing but I wasnt sure if it was the right thing.

Michele said:

Honestly? There's nothing you can do. I wouldn't write them off unless they're actually mean, abusive, or hurtful to the children when they're together. Other than that - they are what they are. All you can do is invite them to the birthdays, send birthday and Christmas cards, and that's it. I figure my only responsibility is to make sure the lines stay open. Invite them when appropriate, and then don't hold my breath. If the kids ask why so and so isn't there, be honest. "I don't know" is perfectly reasonable. I tried really really hard in the early years - and all it did was frustrate ME. We have one set of grandparents that are very active in the nitty gritty, good and bad, and another who really don't want to be bothered but once a year. I've written them off, but keep the relationship lines open. I just finally realized I have too much else to spend my emotion points on. The kids won't really suffer. We're not talking about a parent - we're talking about a grandparent. Would their lives be enhanced? Probably. Will their lives suffer greatly? no. Eventually, I realized it's the grandparents' loss. Once I stopped trying - they realized it too after a few years, and are now taking steps to be a part of my kids' lives. I do believe - as the adult children - it's up to us to keep the lines of communication open, but if that's been done, you can't force a relationship on anyone.

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Permalink Reply by janetta knighton on May 6, 2009 at 7:10pm

You go girl! I think if it was my parents I would be able to say that. I wish I still could. I loved your two cents! I thought I was the only one feeling like that!

gargiuloa said:

I have a similar situation, but my Mom and step dad only live 5 mins. away. My mom only wants to be around my 11 year old son and 6 year old daughter when it's good for her which is once every couple of months, and like I said she lives right down the street. I have told her that I do not think she is doing a good job as a grandparent and told her is she does not make an effort to be better at it that I would not allow them to be around her at all. I know this may seem drastic but it hurts the kids feelings that she doesn't come to see them or take them places like they hear about from their friends. I think that the Grandparent is missing out and your kids should not be the one to suffer for someone's short comings!!
I don't know if that helps but that is my 2 cents, hope everything works out!!

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