Where's my daddy???

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Permalink Reply by Terri on March 10, 2009 at 6:32am

My heart breaks for your son and also for you. Unfortunately, there is not an 'Easy' answer for this but there is YOU! I also went through this with my son who is now 20 (soon to be 21). It is one of those situations where there is not really a 'right' or 'wrong' answer( in my opinion) I do believe that you should get him involved in a Big Brother group (Do you have those in your area?) that is a wonderful program and although nothing will ever 'replace' his father, a positive male role model is always a good thing. As you have stated your father is there for him and that is wonderful but, that is Grandpa & having a "Big Brother" figure may just give him someone that he can feel more comfortable opening up with and saying the things he may not say to family members also the 'Big Brother" will do things with him i.e: play basketball ,baseball, go bowling, fishing, etc.... and give him some time to 'hang out' and maybe not talk about "dad" at all.
Now that my son is older he did find his dad and unfortunately still does not have any of the answers that he has asked me for the last 17 years but at least now he realizes that it wasn't his fault. That is the hardest part for us as Mom's, when they are little they think they did something wrong or at least that they could do something to make it different. When the truth of the matter is they did nothing it is the "Donor" who has created this and only the "Donor" who can fix it.......but will they step up and do it?
I will keep you and your son in my most positive thoughts.
Hold him close and as I am sure you do..... remind him that Mommy is there always.
I dont think that avoiding the questions is the best answer though. Counseling together and seperately may be your best answer.
Warm Regards & Best Wishes to you both.

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Permalink Reply by GILLIAN TALBOT on March 10, 2009 at 8:26pm

What a difficult situation for you and your son. As Terri said, there's no easy answer, but your son really needs answers.

I'm an adoptive mother and we have no information on my daughter's birthparents. We don't know why they abandoned her, so that is what I tell her. And I don't shy away from the word 'abandoned'. I tell her what I know and I speculate as to the reasons why. We also talk about the time before she came to us which was also very difficult for her, according to the evidence, but there again, I also try not to apportion blame but just to state the facts as I know them.

Maybe you could just try answering your son's questions. He may not want to know any more than what his father's name is. If he asks for more, like, "why doesn't daddy come to visit me anymore?", you could try saying you don't know, but you think it's because he finds it difficult to not be with him (your son) anymore, that it hurts him too much so he's sort of run away from the difficulty. You might also say, you don't agree with that. I am just speculating too - only you know what is right.

Most importantly, I think it's essential to tell your son explicitly that it's not his fault and that, whatever the reasons, they are to do with his father and not with him. This seems to calm our daughter.

Also, if you are avoiding the subject, you obviously feel pain. Please get some counselling yourself because your son will see this pain and integrate it subconsciously. This is what will make him think his father is horrible, because it's what YOU think.

My heart goes out to you. Keep strong.

Gillian

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Permalink Reply by koolmom02 on March 10, 2009 at 8:37pm

Thank You!!! It is funny you mentioned Big Brother I looked into it like 2 years ago and chose not to go that path just because at that time I was on a limited income part time jobs and trying to support him and we live 20 minutes from the closest town. But when I told my father (who is in his 50's) I was looking into Big Brother He asked "What am I" I said "your his grandpa and you need to act like a grandpa" My dad is always rough housing with him, It is cute that my dad is soo close But My son really needs kids his age and some older role models just like you mentioned Terri. Now he has a mentor in school and they have parties and outings, He is in Soccer and T-ball and I try to keep him involved in MOST activities as possible.
When it comes to his father I tell him that his dad really wanted to see him and so mommy and his dad went to court and the judge gave his dad time to visit. But his dad was really busy and couldn't call or come to the visitation so the judge then told your dad when he really wanted to see you we would have to come back to court. So when your dad chooses he wants to see you again me and him will go to court so the judge can tell us where and when the visitation is.

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Permalink Reply by Terri on March 11, 2009 at 5:53am

koolmom02 said:

Thank You!!! It is funny you mentioned Big Brother I looked into it like 2 years ago and chose not to go that path just because at that time I was on a limited income part time jobs and trying to support him and we live 20 minutes from the closest town. But when I told my father (who is in his 50's) I was looking into Big Brother He asked "What am I" I said "your his grandpa and you need to act like a grandpa" My dad is always rough housing with him, It is cute that my dad is soo close But My son really needs kids his age and some older role models just like you mentioned Terri. Now he has a mentor in school and they have parties and outings, He is in Soccer and T-ball and I try to keep him involved in MOST activities as possible.
When it comes to his father I tell him that his dad really wanted to see him and so mommy and his dad went to court and the judge gave his dad time to visit. But his dad was really busy and couldn't call or come to the visitation so the judge then told your dad when he really wanted to see you we would have to come back to court. So when your dad chooses he wants to see you again me and him will go to court so the judge can tell us where and when the visitation is.

Koolmom,
The Big Brother/Big Sister program should not cost you anything. There is generally a portion of this program that is funded by the state or local government. Please check into it again, I say this for both of you. Not only does it give your son a "Big Brother" (mentor) but it gives you "Mommy Time" sometimes there are individuals, churches, etc.. that will assist with the minimal fee. Your son will benefit HUGE from having this in his life.
I agree with Gillian, you can only respond to his questions with what you know and I would only answer in 'tid bits' because at his age this may just be enough. Kids will ask questions at this age and a simple answer will most times suffice. "Sweetie, Daddy works so much that he hasn't been able to get here but that isn't because he doesn't love you" and he may just be ok with that. Trying to explain about Judges and court may be a bit too much for him. Please dont get me wrong I am the last person to tell anyone how to raise their children. I made plenty of mistakes, but because I did, I can look back (you know how they say hindsight is 20/20) and try to tell others where I may have done something differently and I do know that I gave too much information to my son especially when I was in pain over his father. Not intentionally but, my son was my "Little Buddy" he comforted me when I was sad. Little did I know then the pain that I was actually causing him, and I would not know this for many years to come. This is why I am so adiment about the "Big Brother" and the "Mommy Time" this will give you the opportunity to speak to a counselor and be able to move past the anger towards his Dad and towards the happiness of just learning to raise him on your own.
((((Hugs))))
~Terri~

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