Yes, No, or Maybe -- How do we teach our kids to make good decisions?
- Rating:
5 after 2 votes
In these complicated times, our kids are constantly being bombarded with situations that demand decisions, large and small. How to I handle a friendship gone awry? Should I share a secret that's worrying me with my mom? Can I be someone different than I think I've become? The list of dilemmas that kids face these days goes on and on.
Sometimes we can be with them at such moments, helping sort through their options and their consequences, but most of the time, we can't. That's why I'd say it's imperative that we teach our kids the skill of decision-making. The question is how.
For the past decade or so, I've taught my own four kids how to make good, sound, affirming decisions using a values-driven tool I call The 10-10-10 Rule, which guides you to sort through your options based on their consequences in ten minutes, ten months, and ten years. Both simple and profound, it's both been amazingly effective for us as a family (see http://suzywelch101010.com for more about it). Today, there's rarely a dilemma or decision that we don't 10-10-10 together -- it's our language for talking through so many of life's choices and crossroads.
I'm curious to know how other moms have approached the critical task of teaching their decision-making and how they've worked out.
Thanks!
Suzy
Sometimes we can be with them at such moments, helping sort through their options and their consequences, but most of the time, we can't. That's why I'd say it's imperative that we teach our kids the skill of decision-making. The question is how.
For the past decade or so, I've taught my own four kids how to make good, sound, affirming decisions using a values-driven tool I call The 10-10-10 Rule, which guides you to sort through your options based on their consequences in ten minutes, ten months, and ten years. Both simple and profound, it's both been amazingly effective for us as a family (see http://suzywelch101010.com for more about it). Today, there's rarely a dilemma or decision that we don't 10-10-10 together -- it's our language for talking through so many of life's choices and crossroads.
I'm curious to know how other moms have approached the critical task of teaching their decision-making and how they've worked out.
Thanks!
Suzy
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Christine Cavalier on -
HI Suzy!
Well, you're never really sure that what you teach your kids is "working out" because your kids aren't letting you know about all the decisions they face daily. But I'd like to add a little feel good moment I had recently and a small piece of advice that I found to be invaluable.
Feel good moment: My almost-9-yo daughter and I have small heart-to-heart talks that usually just pop up in the course of a day and only take 5 minutes. She (hopefully) knows she can bring up any subject at any time. After a discussion about one particular friend of hers who is a bit too advanced for 8 years old (and has little supervision), my kid told me that this friend tried to get her to leave the friend's house for a "short walk around the block" with the dog. My kid refused, citing that she wasn't allowed to do that and that I wouldn't like it. This happened months ago. My daughter never told me about it until our talk about this friend. I was relieved to see evidence of some smart decision-making and some bravery to peer pressure.
Bit of advice: Disregard "big talks." Talk at dinner every night as a family, and let your kids know that anytime is a good time to bring up stuff. Although we try to avoid subjects that are grotesque at the dinner table (LOL!), nothing really is off-limits. Building up the tension for a "big talk" just makes kids and adults avoid it.
Great post! Great subject. Thanks for giving me an opportunity to brag. Can't wait to hear the other stories.
-Christine
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Permalink Reply by GottaLoveMom on -
I have 4 kids (19G, 17B, 13B, 8B) and there are decisions made every day - from what lunch they want , what clothes to wear, what activities to do, what college to attend to.
As long as you instill in them the basic values that you hold dearly, hopefully, they , too, will believe in them.
When they're younger, enforcing what's right and what's wrong is all you can do. When they become teens and discover more what's out there, they'll be making the decisions on their own. NEVER make the decisions for them (even at a younger age). You can only guide them or if they're younger, you can only TRICK them (ha!)
Teach them about priorities and remind them that they have to be happy with the choices that they make,
Not to plug my posts, here are some experiences and conversations I had with my teens and 8yo.
- Crumbcatchers (my nickname for my kiddies)
- Teens
- Letting go of your teenager
Take care,
Jenjen
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Permalink Reply by Tara, Inspired Journey on -
Decision making is a skill that is built over time. It's fabulous to start when kids are young, giving them opportunities to that are age and skill-level appropriate so that they can experience the learning that comes from making good and not so good decisions. As tough as it is to let go of control, our job as parents is to act as guide, helping our kids to grow this skill more and more over time. We want to know in the years that come that our kids are good decision makers and the best way to get there is with practice. As an educator on Virtues, I practice this with my own kids and work with parents and teachers about developing the character qualities like assertiveness, discernment, patience, and flexibility (to name just a few) that strengthen good decision making. To download a list of virtues and find more information go to http://www.inspiredjourney.net/coaching.cfm#Virtues
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Permalink Reply by Amber Crabtree on -
My children are quite young (nearly 4G and 1B). But I have noticed that they are already powerful creatures with a mind of their own and wanting to express their own ideas and wills. Like any parent I want my kids to grow up confident and able to make decisions. AND I don't want to be the one who hinders their individuality. I want to help them establish it. I've been reading this book titled, "Loving Our Kids on Purpose" by Danny Silk, and it is rocking my world. It's all about forming a heart connection with your kids (similar to the post below of her daughter and her having heart-to-hearts, that just happens naturally when you have a heart connection with your kids).
One of the principles he talks about is getting your kids to own their own problem (from bad grades to chores). He tells a story about his daughter who was 15 at the time and a time when she didn't do the dishes. Instead of grounding her or enforcing some sort of punishment, HE did the dishes (putting dishes in the dishwasher). She at the time, also wanted to go out with a friend. When she found out her dad had done the dishes she was way bummed, because now he was going to trade her chores. His chores were slightly more disgusting. Her options: clean out the chicken coop or the garbage shed. She chose the chicken coop. She and her friend were planning on going to the mall. She asked her dad, if she could go, and he said yes, but that she had to clean the chicken coop first thing tomorrow. She enjoyed her day at the mall. :)
The next day it was pouring rain! It took her 3 or so hours to clean the chicken coop. What took Danny 5 min to do (the dishes), not a good swap! :) Anyway, the next time she was asked to do the dishes and she procrastinated, he said, "That's alright, I'll do 'em." His daughter ran over to the kitchen shouting "Don't touch MY dishes!". I think she must have caught on!
I love this story. However I my daughter is a good 10 years off of this girl. So I wondered how this would work on a budding 3y.o. My story.
Jaeda was playing with her Little People farm set, which she loves. I had asked her to pick it up several times, but kept on playing and eventually walked away. I was getting a bit frustrated at this point, but decided that I wasn't going to get angry and enforce a punishment. I asked her one more time, with no response. So I said, "That's alright I'll pick them up." Which I did, and then brought my daughter in to see that I had picked them up. I also said that since I picked them up, I'm also putting them away for "x" amount of time. She was not happy with this, but now I don't have a problem asking her to pick up her things. All I have to say is, "That's alight, I got 'em" and she is on top of me picking up quickly. I was surprised at how quickly she caught on, but she did.
I don't want to enforce punishment and rules. I want my kids to be free to make their own choices, and I want them owning ideals and values because they are confident in themselves not out of fear of punishment. I want them to know that I value them as a person and that I value our relationship over my need to have rules met. That being said, consequences follow any choice, but THEY are the ones who own those consequences, leaving me free to love them and not dish out sentences for breaking the rules.
I feel like parenting is a bit of a gamble because you just don't know how your kids are going to come out, but I wonder if empowering them and loving them and encouraging their decisions might make the road a bit more delightful.
Fantastic post! Thanks!
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Permalink Reply by Arthi on
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I am a parent of a soon to be 10yo daughter. Just yesterday, she wanted to know this - " How old should I be to be able to make my own decisions". Its funny I came across this discussion this morning! In the culture that I grew up in, all decisions were made by parents till you completed school(and sometimes beyond)! Of course I realize things have changed now. But for better or for worse, I think a parent ought to have a say in any decision that a child makes till she is 'wise' ( note I am not saying old) enough to make an informed decision.
When my daughter was little she wanted to quit her keyboard lessons. Today, five years hence, she loves playing tunes on her keyboard. She has no regrets that I 'decided' that she could not quit. Likewise with her vocal lessons. I know she loves to sing and loves it when people comment on how wonderful she sounds when she sings - but given a choice to 'decide' she will quit her training because she dislikes the home assignments that she gets from the tutor!
I am excited about the ' 10-10-10' method and I am for sure going to educate my daughter on my finding. I can see how it can help her make decisions on her own.
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Permalink Reply by Carolyn Wood on -
I posed the question to the two sixteen year olds seated at my kitchen table tonight.
My daughter's response was "parents help kids think out the positives and negatives of any decision." The young man thought the best way learn decision making skills was to follow his parents lead as good role models.
It may be helpful to talk a young child through the decision making process so she/he has a thought process pattern to follow. The response pattern is then in place when decision making focuses on tough choices.
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Permalink Reply by Suzy Welch on -
I love your story about your daughter. Those kinds of talks now will set the pattern for her teenage years, when the choices will likely be more complicated and fraught. And you are so right about "BIG discussions." The most meaningful conversations I've had with my kids have often been rendered in tender little snippets.
Christine Cavalier said:HI Suzy!
Well, you're never really sure that what you teach your kids is "working out" because your kids aren't letting you know about all the decisions they face daily. But I'd like to add a little feel good moment I had recently and a small piece of advice that I found to be invaluable.
Feel good moment: My almost-9-yo daughter and I have small heart-to-heart talks that usually just pop up in the course of a day and only take 5 minutes. She (hopefully) knows she can bring up any subject at any time. After a discussion about one particular friend of hers who is a bit too advanced for 8 years old (and has little supervision), my kid told me that this friend tried to get her to leave the friend's house for a "short walk around the block" with the dog. My kid refused, citing that she wasn't allowed to do that and that I wouldn't like it. This happened months ago. My daughter never told me about it until our talk about this friend. I was relieved to see evidence of some smart decision-making and some bravery to peer pressure.
Bit of advice: Disregard "big talks." Talk at dinner every night as a family, and let your kids know that anytime is a good time to bring up stuff. Although we try to avoid subjects that are grotesque at the dinner table (LOL!), nothing really is off-limits. Building up the tension for a "big talk" just makes kids and adults avoid it.
Great post! Great subject. Thanks for giving me an opportunity to brag. Can't wait to hear the other stories.
-Christine
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Permalink Reply by Suzy Welch on
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Thanks for the real-time research! The key word in your comment to me was "pattern." I think it's really useful to give your kids a PROCESS for making decisions, because a process can help them counter the impulses toward giving into pressure and expedience. Thanks again.
Carolyn Wood said:I posed the question to the two sixteen year olds seated at my kitchen table tonight.
My daughter's response was "parents help kids think out the positives and negatives of any decision." The young man thought the best way learn decision making skills was to follow his parents lead as good role models.
It may be helpful to talk a young child through the decision making process so she/he has a thought process pattern to follow. The response pattern is then in place when decision making focuses on tough choices.
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Permalink Reply by Suzy Welch on
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One of the most gratifying moments of my life came when my 18 years old daughter told me about a tough (and very mature) choice she had made at college and, amazed, I asked her, "How did you get there?" She laughed and said, "I 10-10-10'd it, of course." Very sweet of her and for me a realization that, wow, she really is her own person now. (That said, she did call me crying a few nights ago with boyfriend problems.) I'm so glad my post had such good timing for you!
Arthi said:I am a parent of a soon to be 10yo daughter. Just yesterday, she wanted to know this - " How old should I be to be able to make my own decisions". Its funny I came across this discussion this morning! In the culture that I grew up in, all decisions were made by parents till you completed school(and sometimes beyond)! Of course I realize things have changed now. But for better or for worse, I think a parent ought to have a say in any decision that a child makes till she is 'wise' ( note I am not saying old) enough to make an informed decision.
When my daughter was little she wanted to quit her keyboard lessons. Today, five years hence, she loves playing tunes on her keyboard. She has no regrets that I 'decided' that she could not quit. Likewise with her vocal lessons. I know she loves to sing and loves it when people comment on how wonderful she sounds when she sings - but given a choice to 'decide' she will quit her training because she dislikes the home assignments that she gets from the tutor!
I am excited about the ' 10-10-10' method and I am for sure going to educate my daughter on my finding. I can see how it can help her make decisions on her own.
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Permalink Reply by Ruth McKinnie Braun on -
The Love and Logic approach works very well - lots of common sense in teaching kids to take on more responsibility as they mature. Here are a few things I've written recently about this style of parenting.
http://suchasmartmom.com/2009/02/25/helicopter-parents-hover-at-the...
http://suchasmartmom.com/2009/04/06/a-lesson-best-learned-young-acc...
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Permalink Reply by Robyn Tajzler on
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I like all the ideas above , they give me further ways to address these issues as i have found that in my house one size parenting does not fit all. My oldest now 18 is impulsive from early childhood(lets say 5)
My 11 year old is a thinker she has her own version of the 10-10-10 rule that was adopted all on her own, my 8 year old is a pleaser she will do anything if she thinks someone wil notice her, and my 4 year old well he is a doer every lesson is hard learned through trial and experience.
So with each of my children i have different style of parenting and i will try to outline as simply as i can.
1.With my 18 year old everything has been a battle getting her to think about the future even now is difficult, she is very hard wired to think of immediate gratification, nothing we ewver did was good enough, friends always had it better and i think every parent teacher conference i went to had the same opening line "your daughter is very bright but" We kept her very active in sports and activities and tried to show her the benefits to thinking before you leap but nothing and mean nothing stuck, We wnet through many years of very tough times-drugs, stealing , sex you name it , she is now 18 and on her own and finally working ( 4 months now in the same place:))) She is starting to bare responsibilty and just the other day we were talking on skype and she said you know mommy (yes even at 18 she still calls me mommy) i am starting to hear that voice in the back of my head when i have to make choices ,like go to work today , or should i buy that really cool sweater or save my money for my bills,things like that and then her next comment made me laugh, she said it was eally annoying as it was so much more difficult for her to be impulsive :}}} I lover her dearly and she is taking longer than most but she is getting there.
2.My 11 year old I have to say easy , the kind of kid that parents would have a dozen if they were all like her.
She thinks everything through , has a strong will of her own, tends to have 1 or 2 really good freinds as opposed to many sometimes friends, she approaches me or her father with problems of any kind ,the latest one is a bully at scholo that wont leave her alone, our latest discussion was this
She has always wanted to be a farmer every since she was a little and at school they had career day and she tld the class what she wanted to be and the next day the bully in the class gave her a book form the library called Farmer jane that is for preschoolers and the whole class had a big laugh at it My daughter just turned around and said thankyou with a big smile. So she came home and the question she asked me was why do some kids feel the need to be mean, and is there anything she could do to help them.
So we had a discussion on confidence and knowing who you are and being kind is something you do not to get something back in return but just becasue it feels good.
3.My 8 year old is a pleaser and with her i always ask her if she is doing this for me or for her or for someone else. Just this simple act of stopping and thinking helps her to realize that making her self happy feels good to. She still makes alot of mistakes on this but she is learinng to be her own person and realizing that it is ok to wear that sweater she really likes that no one else does or that its ok to be the only girl in a sport she loves and that to get good grades makes her feel good to on its own not just to see her teahcer praise her. ( i place very little improtance on grades myself)
4.Well my 4 year old is a doer as i said above and he does then thinks, right now his choices for himself are limited but he still finds many situations to have to think through. The other day at preschool he was faced with his best little buddy being mean to one of the other kids and the teacher said as she was going to step in she heard him telling his freind that he shouldn't do that and that he had made the other kid cry and his mommy said that isnt nice. when his friend did nothing my son walked away and played with other kids , The teacher asked him if he was ok and he smiled and said yes and that he didnt want to play with his best bud anymore today because he was being mean and that maaybe tomorrow he will be better.
So I guess all that I am trying to say is read the books take it all in and then find what works best with your kids personality ,they are all different and will respond in different ways , and the most important thing to me is that they know I am there for them and they can share anything with me anytime and that these discussions or talks are real , i talk to them on their level and their comprehension, about issues and problems that matter to them through this they learn through experience and that is retained .
So see Mom I did listen to you all those years ago and thank you so much for that little voice in the back of my head that to this day makes me stop and think before lifes little forks in the road. I only hope that I am passing on that great gift to my children!!! Love You !!!
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Permalink Reply by Suzy Welch on
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What you say about one-size parenting is so true. Each of my four kids is unique, meaning I have four unique relationships. The issue is, though, your kids watch you parent their siblings. They observe your different approaches. That's why I found one approach to decision-making was very useful -- I was always transparent. So now, when my 14G says, "Why did you let Roscoe go to a concert and not me?" about her brother, I can walk her through my thinking in a way that shows fairness and equity. I'm not saying having a decision-making process like 10-10-10 is a panacea, but it has really helped me bridge how differently I do parent my kids. Great point. Thanks so much for bringing it to the table.
Robyn Tajzler said:I like all the ideas above , they give me further ways to address these issues as i have found that in my house one size parenting does not fit all. My oldest now 18 is impulsive from early childhood(lets say 5)
My 11 year old is a thinker she has her own version of the 10-10-10 rule that was adopted all on her own, my 8 year old is a pleaser she will do anything if she thinks someone wil notice her, and my 4 year old well he is a doer every lesson is hard learned through trial and experience.
So with each of my children i have different style of parenting and i will try to outline as simply as i can.
1.With my 18 year old everything has been a battle getting her to think about the future even now is difficult, she is very hard wired to think of immediate gratification, nothing we ewver did was good enough, friends always had it better and i think every parent teacher conference i went to had the same opening line "your daughter is very bright but" We kept her very active in sports and activities and tried to show her the benefits to thinking before you leap but nothing and mean nothing stuck, We wnet through many years of very tough times-drugs, stealing , sex you name it , she is now 18 and on her own and finally working ( 4 months now in the same place:))) She is starting to bare responsibilty and just the other day we were talking on skype and she said you know mommy (yes even at 18 she still calls me mommy) i am starting to hear that voice in the back of my head when i have to make choices ,like go to work today , or should i buy that really cool sweater or save my money for my bills,things like that and then her next comment made me laugh, she said it was eally annoying as it was so much more difficult for her to be impulsive :}}} I lover her dearly and she is taking longer than most but she is getting there.
2.My 11 year old I have to say easy , the kind of kid that parents would have a dozen if they were all like her.
She thinks everything through , has a strong will of her own, tends to have 1 or 2 really good freinds as opposed to many sometimes friends, she approaches me or her father with problems of any kind ,the latest one is a bully at scholo that wont leave her alone, our latest discussion was this
She has always wanted to be a farmer every since she was a little and at school they had career day and she tld the class what she wanted to be and the next day the bully in the class gave her a book form the library called Farmer jane that is for preschoolers and the whole class had a big laugh at it My daughter just turned around and said thankyou with a big smile. So she came home and the question she asked me was why do some kids feel the need to be mean, and is there anything she could do to help them.
So we had a discussion on confidence and knowing who you are and being kind is something you do not to get something back in return but just becasue it feels good.
3.My 8 year old is a pleaser and with her i always ask her if she is doing this for me or for her or for someone else. Just this simple act of stopping and thinking helps her to realize that making her self happy feels good to. She still makes alot of mistakes on this but she is learinng to be her own person and realizing that it is ok to wear that sweater she really likes that no one else does or that its ok to be the only girl in a sport she loves and that to get good grades makes her feel good to on its own not just to see her teahcer praise her. ( i place very little improtance on grades myself)
4.Well my 4 year old is a doer as i said above and he does then thinks, right now his choices for himself are limited but he still finds many situations to have to think through. The other day at preschool he was faced with his best little buddy being mean to one of the other kids and the teacher said as she was going to step in she heard him telling his freind that he shouldn't do that and that he had made the other kid cry and his mommy said that isnt nice. when his friend did nothing my son walked away and played with other kids , The teacher asked him if he was ok and he smiled and said yes and that he didnt want to play with his best bud anymore today because he was being mean and that maaybe tomorrow he will be better.
So I guess all that I am trying to say is read the books take it all in and then find what works best with your kids personality ,they are all different and will respond in different ways , and the most important thing to me is that they know I am there for them and they can share anything with me anytime and that these discussions or talks are real , i talk to them on their level and their comprehension, about issues and problems that matter to them through this they learn through experience and that is retained .
So see Mom I did listen to you all those years ago and thank you so much for that little voice in the back of my head that to this day makes me stop and think before lifes little forks in the road. I only hope that I am passing on that great gift to my children!!! Love You !!!
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