Parent Up: Are You Failing Your Child?
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I'm certain I'm not the only one frustrated or who has encountered this but what is going on with some parents these days and when did parenting become a burden rather than a blessing? I was the keynote speaker at an event this past weekend for a local organization and talking about the power of parental advocacy and how parents are their child's greatest advocate.
After the event, a 14 year old girl came up to me and asked me if I could help her get back in school. It seems she got expelled from school in January for fighting. She didn't have a knife or any weapon but in this day of zero tolerance this was her 3rd fight and it led to her expulsion. I was a bit surprised that she had asked because I wondered why t his was something her parents weren't trying to do. However, I learned her mom was a single mom and her mom just wasn't willing to do it. Since the girl really seemed to want to get back into school, I decided to help. I called her mom who informed me that this was her daughter's problem. In her words: she got put out, she needs to find a way to get back in if she wants to go. I'm leaving it up to her this is her life.
I couldn't believe any reasonable and responsible parent would say this. What shocked me further was the battle I found from the school itself. Although I wasn't this child's parent, I convinced the principal to talk to me about reenrolling the child. A friend of a friend knew the principal. I talked to the principal, who said the child had written her a letter and asked if she could come back to school. (Note what child would do this if they didn't care about their future). The principal said she told her no because the school had limited resources and the bottom line is the child had 3 fights that year and they just didn't have the time to deal with children who were disruptive. I understand the principal’s concerns but we need to think very carefully before making it too hard for a child to get back on track. After all, this child never brought a weapon to school and as far as I could see didn’t pose a danger to any students. To make a long story short, I was finally able to convince the principal to allow the child to reenroll in the school.
But after spending a week dealing with an uninvolved parent and a school system that was more than happy to kick the child to the curb, it re-enforced my belief about the role of parental advocacy. It's a shame that in many ways whether a child succeeds has a lot to do with whether their parents or some adult is vested in them, their success and their future. I didn't know this girl at all but in one week I had spent more time fighting for her future than her mom or the school system: both of which seemed very willing to throw her away. As a parent and someone who speaks to parents across this country, my greatest advice has to be get involved in the life of a child. We have to do what we can to protect all our children and not only the ones who get good grades but even those who are D and F students and find themselves in the gray areas of life. And for goodness sake, we need parents to Parent Up.
What do I mean by Parent Up? Our parents need to step up their parenting game- plain and simple. If you do your role as a parent to the best of your ability, there still exists a chance your child may not succeed. If you do less than your best- guess what? Your child’s chance for success drop dramatically.
So I say Parent Up- do your part. Doesn't matter if you are a single parent, married couple, grandparent, aunt, uncle, whatever.....Parent Up. If you are responsible for a child- take control of the situation, quit complaining about how hard it is and just do your best and definitely do NOT give up on them. If, after doing your best in the parenting situation, you still end up with a bad seed, you know you did your best and it wasn't your fault. If you end up with a dud and you didn't do all you should have done- you can be pretty sure it's probably your fault!! Sorry if this is harsh but it's also harsh to say to a 14 year old I don't care if you succeed or not.
Your thoughts?
Kim Crouch
Author, Mother To Son
www.kimcrouch.com
After the event, a 14 year old girl came up to me and asked me if I could help her get back in school. It seems she got expelled from school in January for fighting. She didn't have a knife or any weapon but in this day of zero tolerance this was her 3rd fight and it led to her expulsion. I was a bit surprised that she had asked because I wondered why t his was something her parents weren't trying to do. However, I learned her mom was a single mom and her mom just wasn't willing to do it. Since the girl really seemed to want to get back into school, I decided to help. I called her mom who informed me that this was her daughter's problem. In her words: she got put out, she needs to find a way to get back in if she wants to go. I'm leaving it up to her this is her life.
I couldn't believe any reasonable and responsible parent would say this. What shocked me further was the battle I found from the school itself. Although I wasn't this child's parent, I convinced the principal to talk to me about reenrolling the child. A friend of a friend knew the principal. I talked to the principal, who said the child had written her a letter and asked if she could come back to school. (Note what child would do this if they didn't care about their future). The principal said she told her no because the school had limited resources and the bottom line is the child had 3 fights that year and they just didn't have the time to deal with children who were disruptive. I understand the principal’s concerns but we need to think very carefully before making it too hard for a child to get back on track. After all, this child never brought a weapon to school and as far as I could see didn’t pose a danger to any students. To make a long story short, I was finally able to convince the principal to allow the child to reenroll in the school.
But after spending a week dealing with an uninvolved parent and a school system that was more than happy to kick the child to the curb, it re-enforced my belief about the role of parental advocacy. It's a shame that in many ways whether a child succeeds has a lot to do with whether their parents or some adult is vested in them, their success and their future. I didn't know this girl at all but in one week I had spent more time fighting for her future than her mom or the school system: both of which seemed very willing to throw her away. As a parent and someone who speaks to parents across this country, my greatest advice has to be get involved in the life of a child. We have to do what we can to protect all our children and not only the ones who get good grades but even those who are D and F students and find themselves in the gray areas of life. And for goodness sake, we need parents to Parent Up.
What do I mean by Parent Up? Our parents need to step up their parenting game- plain and simple. If you do your role as a parent to the best of your ability, there still exists a chance your child may not succeed. If you do less than your best- guess what? Your child’s chance for success drop dramatically.
So I say Parent Up- do your part. Doesn't matter if you are a single parent, married couple, grandparent, aunt, uncle, whatever.....Parent Up. If you are responsible for a child- take control of the situation, quit complaining about how hard it is and just do your best and definitely do NOT give up on them. If, after doing your best in the parenting situation, you still end up with a bad seed, you know you did your best and it wasn't your fault. If you end up with a dud and you didn't do all you should have done- you can be pretty sure it's probably your fault!! Sorry if this is harsh but it's also harsh to say to a 14 year old I don't care if you succeed or not.
Your thoughts?
Kim Crouch
Author, Mother To Son
www.kimcrouch.com
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by SaVonni Yestanti on -
Good Evening, Kim!
I'm a single mother to a son and an advocated/care giver for other's children.
What I can offer is this: I can see both sides of the coin here. No mother really wants to see her child go through a hard life....and sometimes, as a mother, you can do everything you can do and it still is not enough. I am imagining this mother and fully UnderStanding her, after having to deal with some Bull-Headed kids.
When you have to tell your child (or SomeOne else's child) SomeThing time and time again - and they just have to keep picking the wrong side of the SitUation, SomeTimes taught sense is better than bought sense; that especially applies to teens who are moody, Moody, MOODY! I think this is a clear case of teaching kids what their parents, their mentors, their extended family members, their pastors and yes even their friends, will tell them will happen if they keep refusing to "get with the program."
The fact that they gave the girl three (3) times to mess up is just astounding to me, given that most schools only give you one strike these days. The first time, she should have perked up; the second time, she should have been shaking in her boots; and the third??? My GoodNess! Many of us weren't allowed to get away with that kind of stuff in school. The first time would have been enough to have us looking at God via a one-way express ticket to a butt whipping.
I think we can make too many excuses for our kids SomeTimes. I'm not saying that to be harsh; I'm saying that from experience. While we need to love our children and not give up on them, I think the mother was trying to convey to her daughter that if you make a big enough mess while you are under someone else's authority, you are going to have to deal with that authority - and while we can fight for you, if you didn't listen to your mother who is your first authority, the one who loves you and takes care of you and makes sure that you have a roof over your head, who works her a$$ off for you - how in the world are you going to listen to the authority of someone who is not as invested in you? And in Truth, she didn't listen to the Principal the FIRST two times!
This I teach my son: it starts at home. I will do my best for him and then some...but at some point, if he doesn't want to ReSpect my House and listen to me (or other authority figures) or if he just really feels that he knows better, he's just going to have to get out there and BE better. Sometimes they have to fall a lil hard to fully UnderStand just how good they had it - and SomeTimes they have to work a whole lot harder just to get back to the basics of the privileges they so easily took for granted (and probably came by a lil easier).
Yeah she wrote a letter to get back into school and yes she asked for your help. But aren't most people afraid once they see how bad the situation really is? Teens are notorious for saying that they are sorry for what happened and it will "never" happen again, whining, sniffling and the whole nine yards - and before you know it, they're right back at it again, shortly after they've been forgiven and "saved." I know you want to sincerely believe that this girl is not a threat to anyone at the school, but the fact of the matter is that if she's been in trouble three times for fighting, it is only a matter of time before she hurts SomeOne else's child.
So, while I applaud you for being willing and actually able to go the distance for this young lady, I'm afraid that if she wasn't scared enough by what happened or if she didn't really and truly think long and hard about the consequences of the situaion, your efforts only put off the lesson(s) that she has got to learn eventually. We'll see if she actually learned her lesson by witnessing what she will do with the gift that was extended to her by yourself and the principal.
With that said, the only other thing I will say is that you have a great heart for this mixed up child. It is my sincerest hope that she does not disappoint you.
Have a great weekend!
Savvy
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Permalink Reply by Kim Crouch on -
SaVonni,
Thanks for such a great, indepth response. I should have added a few more details about this particular situation. The school informed me that the girl was expelled as part of a group of girls who were expelled about 9 in total. the girl was part of a group being teased by other girls and so there was just constant fighting. They had to eventually expell them all because of zero tolerance although the principal explained to me the girl I helped and 2 others probably shoudln't have been because they never started it but were being picked on. In fact, after the girl was expelled the fighting continued because the other group of girls went to two of the girls houses and jumped on them. Now those girls are in juvenille.
She said part of the reason she expelled them is because she could never get any of the parents, not one of them, to come up to the school or to try to meet and help the girls resolve the issue. Hopefully, with the other group of girls gone she will do better but I have dealt with enough kids not to have any illusions here. I'm also not worried about her disappointing me because my purpose in talking to the principal is that children need an education and they should be in school. I simply think 13 (the age she was at the time of the expulsion) is way too young to say this is it for a child absent some danger to other children but I do understand the frustration of teachers, faculty and principals of dealing with children who are disruptive, etc.
I don't know anything about this girl and I said that to the principal. I couldn't vouch for her but under the circumstances I think she should be in school. As far as the mother, I've talked to her and I don't think this is the case of an involved parent or a parent showing tough love but of a parent who has never been bothered or involved.
I do hope others will chime in and give as good a response as you. You have a great weekend also.
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Permalink Reply by Dana Neal on -
I can only say..do what you have to build a kingdom...once this life is gone we only have our kids to take care of what is best..believe me..I am no angel parent..but I,too, see both sides of the coin..it's hard...very hard to do what is best and right..but you better believe my boys' school knows who I am, what I look like and why I am there....
I love my kids and with a D or an A...they are exceptional to me. I have to stay involved....I have to show them love...
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Permalink Reply by Kim Crouch on
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Dana thanks for the comment. I do see both sides also. I understand the principal's concern as she has to look out for all students which is why my real issue is with the parent. You are your child's only advocate sometimes and you have to fight for them and stay involved.
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Permalink Reply by Linda Burke-Galloway on -
God intervenes on behalf of his children and you were the conduit. The apathy of the mother speaks volumes but so does the determination of the young lady to return to school. You probably saved this young sister's life. It would be great if she could receive professional counseling regarding anger management.
Congratulations for a job well done.
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Permalink Reply by Evangelia Biddy on -
Parenting is not a blessing, it is a godly responsibility! It is a true job! Parents need tools and strategies, when you drive or enter any profession you have to take a test, pass something, prove you have the skill set needed at least in some small degree before you can even enter the field. Sadly, any idiot can become a parent, no skills required. Learn on the job at the expense of the child you are attempting to raise. No wonder here is where we are. I ask parents, why much time to you spend with your children, why much of your real resources do you give them. Not just another pair of shoes, how much time do you spend reading and teaching them yourself, how many books and educational resources do you invest in. More parents buy game boys than who buy books. www.juniorthemagazine.com.
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Permalink Reply by Toni Parker on -
Kim, this story has stunned me. My assumption was that the mother was uninvolved because if she was involved, she would know that you do not leave a major decision like getting back into school, in the hands of a 13 year old. Every parent knows who their children are. With that said, if I had a troubled child whom I thought would pose a danger to other children; I would not look to put him back into the school system. I would get him professional help. Conversely, I don't care if my child got into fights every single day, I would forever plead his case to get him back into to school if he asked for my help and again, I knew that he wasn't going for the purpose of making trouble. I also blame the principal because her excuse was that none of the parent’s got involved; yet she admitted that the girl should not have been expelled. Shame on the principal! I see why kids who are poorer neighborhoods (my assumption) have no trust in anyone. Everyone failed that child but you. The principal needs to reevaluate her purpose-perhaps she has been doing this too long. We all get burned out on our careers and reach a point where we do not care anymore. In Corporate America, that attitude is okay because you will get away with it only for so long and your actions will not bring down a corporation. However, when you are dealing with children or people that count on you to make a difference in their lives, you owe it to yourself and to them to be totally present or choose to do something else. The principal might not have to answer to anyone because these kids never have an advocate-in general, the whole system fails them. However, the Man upstairs is forever watching us and Karma is real. If I sound passionate-it is because I am. I was that girl, growing up inner city Memphis with some crazy teachers on occasion. Luckily, my mom stood by me and I went on to go to one of the top women's colleges in the US and had a very successful career in NY. You are right-children need their parents to support them unconditionally, and call them out when they are wrong and punish them if necessary. If the parent does not do it, then for God's sake, the teachers should. Am I my brother’s keeper-Yes I am? Kim, you are a beacon of light who cares despite. You Rock!
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Permalink Reply by SaVonni Yestanti on
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I still believe that if a group of girls are all instigating trouble, then they get what they are giving. It takes two to tango. We all are taught to keep our hands to ourselves. I don't know what is going on with these teen girls to feel as if it is okay to put your hands on other people. My personal opinion is that they all should have been expelled for doing just that; especially in this day and age of "Columbine" et al.
As for the mother, nobody has energy all of the time. She's probably fed up given that the girl had been talked to before. I don't know because I don't know her, but I doubt very much that she actually wants her child to fail. I believe that we, as mothers and especially as single mothers, need to stand by each other so we can have that strength to keep going for others. I think we can be the light for others, but we need to be careful that we see the light in others as well, even when it is seems dim. That light doesn't just extend to our doe eyed children who are looking for another chance; bu tto each other as Women as well. We, as Black Women, don't do enough to support each other - and passing judgment on this mother when we've not walked a mile in her shoes, is just not where it's at.
We can't assume that she does not care about her child, just because her child got herself into trouble, yet again. Could her response been better? Maybe. But again, we weren't there...and the best book in the world can't save any of us from being fed up, at times.
Savvy!
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Permalink Reply by Kim Crouch on
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SaVonni,
Once again great response and great point. We should all support each other as black women and I don't think it's any of our intent to pass judgement on this mother. I can tell you i didn't walk a mile in her shoes but I will just say it was rough dealing with her and I know part of it had to do with she has felt beat down and I'm not necessarily talking about with her daughter but by a lot of things happening in her own life. I do have to tell you no matter what I'm concerned with any parent or school system that leaves a 14 year old to fend for her or himself. I can understand a situation where there is violence but I've seen too many cases where kids are thrown out and there is no violence.
I will agree with you I don't think t his mom wants the child to fail. I just can't believe any parent would although I have been around enough parents and adults that have acted if they didn't care. I will also say this and you may disagree but I know Columbine and some of the other things happening in the schools were just horrific. However, they can't continue to be the basis of one size fits all which is what I see happening now in the schools. Zero tolerance doesn't take a look at whether you are getting bullied or whether you even started the fight and or just defending yourself and in some cases you can get thrown out even if you didn't throw one hit but where just part of the group. In too many cases, zero tolerance is serving as the basis to boot a lot of kids from schools. I just think there has to be a better system. I do love your statement that :We have to see the light in others but I think this also extends to the kids even when they aren't all we want them to be.
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Permalink Reply by SaVonni Yestanti on
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Kim,
I hear you - believe me I do. The zero tolerance policy was started to get rid of a lot of the bullying and other nonsense that exists in schools today. I know this was born out of what a lot of us went through as children and also out of what we've seen our children have to deal with. Children have long since felt that they've needed to "be grown-up" when it comes to taking care of their persons at school, simply because "other people's kids" just don't get it sometimes. This is partly because the parents themselves don't know how to treat people respectfully and partly because some of the teachers and administrators running the schools are still caught up in their own "high school" days (like they forgot that there was an entire life past high school).
I would say that the solution is to make a group for young girls to have "something" to do, but we've already got the Boys and Girls Club, Girl's Inc., Girl's Scouts, My Gym and the like. I would say that we need yet another group for burnt out parents, but we've got enough of those too, with parenting coaches to boot.
Personally, I like the home school option; saves the kids from all of the bullying drama and saves the parents from a lot of aggravation....and I get full say about my child's education which is no losing proposition. But everybody can't home school. What I had in mind was to offer a home school that was open to the community. Parents could pay me to teach their children and I could keep those kids busy. What I've been finding is that people don't want to pay for their child's education or they can't pay for their child's education, even at severely discounted rates. Those who can aren't involved with their children much, so no matter how much they are with me, they will still miss the element of an involved parent.
Do you think that schools should make it mandatory for the parents to be involved? Some kind of collaboration with the school and a parent's employer - incentive based maybe?
Savvy
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Permalink Reply by Kim Crouch on
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Savvy,
You have some really good ideas. I think many of the schools that I have found to be effective and that really good great results require parental involvement whether it's 15 or 30 hours a year. I did an interview with Kim Bearden last week on my radio show and she is director of the Ron Clark Academy which is doing great things in Atlanta and their requirement is 30 hours a year. They also even visit parents at home before the school year starts. Also schools like the Kipp program also require it. I think in an ideal world it wouldn't be required or if required parents would do it but I know there are many reasons why parents can't do it so I opt for making it easier to communicate with parents. My god son goes to a school where everything is webbased. The students grades on assignments, etc are all posted on a password protected site. Disciplinary issues with the kids, missed assgts, tardies, absences from classes etc. are all posted so a parent can log in at any time and see what's happening with their children and leave notes, etc. I like face to face but I think this is a great way of trying to communicate with the parent. Honestly, I believe in the 21st century the best schools are going to be the ones that recognize children are part of a family unit and don't come to the school as an individual. As such I believe the most effective schools will be those that combine education with social services for the parents. Back when I was growing up, our schools did this much more effectively. You could get dental checkups and physicals as part of the school. These things didn't take away much from the schools. Many parents, especially in this economy are struggling, so these things come in handy but they also show
I also like the home school option. I have seen several models including the recent school by actor Will Smith where home school is done in a more collaborative environment made up of multiple families and kids. The other option that is getting a good deal of rave reviews is the small school option where kids go to school in smaller units (my nieces and nephews go to such a school). 10 kids max in each class room and the schools are built around a theme. Their school is about transportation, business and law so the kids learn things related to those 3 areas. I think honestly schools have just become way too complicated and political today. They are also so underfunded that parents are being required to send more and more supplies and some of the items are for the classroom and not the students.
Additionally, schools for the most part seem to want a one size fits all approach that they can teach to so gender, cultural differences appear to get thrown out the window. None of this is to blame teachers who I think do the best they can with the resources they have but I like some of the new school models I've seen out there they just need to be more widespread. I would really like to see our country make education and teacher pay a real top priority.
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Permalink Reply by Toni Parker on
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Kim and Savonni, I am glad to be engaged in some meaningful conversations where hopefully, we can take things back to our communities and make a difference. I need motivating because it's so easy to become complacent. Savonni, you know you'll be the first one in that school getting your prince back in- lol
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