What to do when your husband calls in his mom?
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This weekend my husband couldn't find a certain pair of socks, and said he hadn't had socks in 2 weeks, and he went into a tirade. He left the house and came back a little later. A little bit later his mom showed up, wanting to talk to me and give me some suggestions.
Now, I am a member of Domestically Challenged Moms, and I do admit to being a clutter hound. I am a stay at home mom who does school drop offs and pick ups at two different schools, and does Pre-K homeschool to our youngest. I'll admit I'm sometimes overwhelmed, and strive to be that Proverbs 31 woman. But to have my husband go to his mom....and her to come to me....with suggestions on how to take care of my home.. I'm having a hard time with this! Especially when it's her son who needs to pick up after himself, and stop making messes for me! I'm feeling like a loser wife and mom!
Now, I am a member of Domestically Challenged Moms, and I do admit to being a clutter hound. I am a stay at home mom who does school drop offs and pick ups at two different schools, and does Pre-K homeschool to our youngest. I'll admit I'm sometimes overwhelmed, and strive to be that Proverbs 31 woman. But to have my husband go to his mom....and her to come to me....with suggestions on how to take care of my home.. I'm having a hard time with this! Especially when it's her son who needs to pick up after himself, and stop making messes for me! I'm feeling like a loser wife and mom!
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Michele on -
I'm struggling with how to respond.
I too, am domestically challenged... Although I really want to be the Proverbs 31 woman.
If my husband did that though? I'm not sure I'd be responsible for my actions. My husband once had a problem with how I was folding his things. I said, "I have a fabulous solution!" "What's that?" "Do it yourself." He took that to heart.
But calling mom in over socks? 1) Cleave unto your wife, and 2) Cleave unto your wive. Yes, keep a relationship with your family. No, don't complain to your mommy over socks. AND DO NOT BRING HER HOME WITH YOU.
I know this doesn't actually help you. But in my opinion - your husband was wrong. And your mother-in-law should have told him so.
As to an actual solution... Have you been able to talk to him about it? 'Cause I think you need to communicate three things to him. 1) You're doing the best you can, and this is a hectic season in your life. 2) List the things (NOT in an accusatory manner) that he might be able to do in his normal day-to-day (like laundry into the hamper) that he could help you with. And 3) That calling in his mother to "help you" only makes you feel like crap, and inducts her into a part of your life you wish to remain private.
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Permalink Reply by Dana Neal on -
Ooo, Yeah...I agree with Michele..it is a struggle to answer this in a way that helps you AND him....
but he was way wrong. I know the feeling; my husband should have married his mother..I'm so tired of "what they do" and this is how we (his family) do it...I'm ready to tear the roof off bare hand.
BUT you do have to try to communicate with him and get an understanding. It will help you..it doesn't help me, but right now I'm at pray and give it up to the Lord avenues...
Jen, don't feel discouraged...because Michele is right.......you're doing the best you can!
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Permalink Reply by Heidi on -
Ok, reading this just hurt my head. Seriously, he went to his mom? Now I know you love this man, I am sure he has a million wonderful qualities you see everyday, but having her help in your marriage isn't one of them. I get all worked up when he asks me to fix his food like his mom. She doesn't live here, go to her house if you want her food. There does come a time when he starts to feel more 'at home' with the way you do things and not like the 18 years he lived under her roof. But I wouldn't wait for him to come around, I would give a little nudge. Oh my, this hurts my head because I know how it feels. Girl I am sorry.
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Permalink Reply by Jens4him on -
Michelle,
Thank you so much for your honesty. You really hit it with communication. My husband is not a big sharer/talker, so I often feel left out of his life, and then I distance myself and don't talk to him either. When he hurts my feelings, I don't tell him, and that's something I did realize during this nightmare. Did I mention she addressed me in front of my kids? Yeah. See I'm not over it yet! I need to Let Go and Let God!
She did call the next day and apologize, saying she had gone home and cried because she knew it wasn't her place. So I'm working on it, and praying. Thank you for the encouragement!
Michele said:I'm struggling with how to respond.
I too, am domestically challenged... Although I really want to be the Proverbs 31 woman.
If my husband did that though? I'm not sure I'd be responsible for my actions. My husband once had a problem with how I was folding his things. I said, "I have a fabulous solution!" "What's that?" "Do it yourself." He took that to heart.
But calling mom in over socks? 1) Cleave unto your wife, and 2) Cleave unto your wive. Yes, keep a relationship with your family. No, don't complain to your mommy over socks. AND DO NOT BRING HER HOME WITH YOU.
I know this doesn't actually help you. But in my opinion - your husband was wrong. And your mother-in-law should have told him so.
As to an actual solution... Have you been able to talk to him about it? 'Cause I think you need to communicate three things to him. 1) You're doing the best you can, and this is a hectic season in your life. 2) List the things (NOT in an accusatory manner) that he might be able to do in his normal day-to-day (like laundry into the hamper) that he could help you with. And 3) That calling in his mother to "help you" only makes you feel like crap, and inducts her into a part of your life you wish to remain private.
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Permalink Reply by Jens4him on
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Wow! Looks like I need to communicate. The praying is the easy part, it's the giving it up part that seems so hard sometimes. Thank you.
Dana Neal said:Ooo, Yeah...I agree with Michele..it is a struggle to answer this in a way that helps you AND him....
but he was way wrong. I know the feeling; my husband should have married his mother..I'm so tired of "what they do" and this is how we (his family) do it...I'm ready to tear the roof off bare hand.
BUT you do have to try to communicate with him and get an understanding. It will help you..it doesn't help me, but right now I'm at pray and give it up to the Lord avenues...
Jen, don't feel discouraged...because Michele is right.......you're doing the best you can!
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Permalink Reply by Jens4him on
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It still hurts my head, but I think I've learned from this, and now I will go on being a good wife and mommy. Thanks for your response.
Heidi said:Ok, reading this just hurt my head. Seriously, he went to his mom? Now I know you love this man, I am sure he has a million wonderful qualities you see everyday, but having her help in your marriage isn't one of them. I get all worked up when he asks me to fix his food like his mom. She doesn't live here, go to her house if you want her food. There does come a time when he starts to feel more 'at home' with the way you do things and not like the 18 years he lived under her roof. But I wouldn't wait for him to come around, I would give a little nudge. Oh my, this hurts my head because I know how it feels. Girl I am sorry.
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Permalink Reply by TheScrappyMama on -
I have to agree with Heidi.
This situation made me cringe because my ex-husband was exactly like this! It's also a part of why he's the ex-husband. (Not advocating divorce here, please understand. It was one of many, many problems in the marriage.) It got to the point to where I just quit cooking and we started eating at her house and many times she did his laundry. I did, however, keep my house clean and that was the ONE THING they could not pick at me about. I did it mostly out of defiance. LOL
I have to say my marriage this time around is better. Him and his mother do not speak. Which, really is a relief because now that I have a kiddo my house is more cluttered and not dusted all the time, etc.
Anyway, sorry for my tangent. I know it didn't really help your situation at all. Just good luck and try not to bonk him in the head with a frying pan! (Which, I will admit, would be my first option. LOL)
Heidi said:Ok, reading this just hurt my head. Seriously, he went to his mom? Now I know you love this man, I am sure he has a million wonderful qualities you see everyday, but having her help in your marriage isn't one of them. I get all worked up when he asks me to fix his food like his mom. She doesn't live here, go to her house if you want her food. There does come a time when he starts to feel more 'at home' with the way you do things and not like the 18 years he lived under her roof. But I wouldn't wait for him to come around, I would give a little nudge. Oh my, this hurts my head because I know how it feels. Girl I am sorry.
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Permalink Reply by Cara on -
To my MIL, first I would be graciously accepting of her advice... while only keeping half an ear open for it! You know what you're doing and what you're doing works for YOU! Just like the whole "every older adult feels it is their responsibility to tell every new parent with an infant 'how it's done' " kind of thing.
Theeeen, to the hubby I would go! I would sit him down to explain EXACTLY how much it hurt for him to go to his mother, behind your back, and THEN for her to have the galls to show up and try to overtake captainship of the house over you!
And then I would try to explain to him, that if he would like things to be a bit cleaner, then he needs to do his part to contribute. Even the little things, like if he could just make sure that all dirty clothes are sorted into loads and just PUT BY the washer, goodness knows that's a world of help right there! He wouldn't even have to do the laundry, you can stick them in, but to have them right there for you would be a great help.
The biggest adjustment for us was having to actually comprehend that, no, I am NOT his mother and I don't do things the same way; just as he doesn't do things the way that I am used to running things. My hubby used to go to his mom about things I wasn't doing all of the time, but now we've finally learned to keep disputes between us, between US and not involve the parents.
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Permalink Reply by Jens4him on
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Awww...cmon. I can't bonk him on the head, really?
TheScrappyMama said:I have to agree with Heidi.
This situation made me cringe because my ex-husband was exactly like this! It's also a part of why he's the ex-husband. (Not advocating divorce here, please understand. It was one of many, many problems in the marriage.) It got to the point to where I just quit cooking and we started eating at her house and many times she did his laundry. I did, however, keep my house clean and that was the ONE THING they could not pick at me about. I did it mostly out of defiance. LOL
I have to say my marriage this time around is better. Him and his mother do not speak. Which, really is a relief because now that I have a kiddo my house is more cluttered and not dusted all the time, etc.
Anyway, sorry for my tangent. I know it didn't really help your situation at all. Just good luck and try not to bonk him in the head with a frying pan! (Which, I will admit, would be my first option. LOL)
Heidi said:Ok, reading this just hurt my head. Seriously, he went to his mom? Now I know you love this man, I am sure he has a million wonderful qualities you see everyday, but having her help in your marriage isn't one of them. I get all worked up when he asks me to fix his food like his mom. She doesn't live here, go to her house if you want her food. There does come a time when he starts to feel more 'at home' with the way you do things and not like the 18 years he lived under her roof. But I wouldn't wait for him to come around, I would give a little nudge. Oh my, this hurts my head because I know how it feels. Girl I am sorry.
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Permalink Reply by LissaBell on -
if mine ever calls in his mom i'm going to the nearest bar or yarn shop cause i will not let her come into my house and make me feel like the outsider while she was a visiting guest in my house. since we moved out in aug she's been to our places 1 time i like it that way.
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Permalink Reply by Dark_Priestess on -
My husband doesn't speak to his mom that often (even if he did, she's in Alabama, we're in Washington), and my ex didn't go to his MOTHER, he allowed his superior from his MILITARY COMMAND come in and clean and rearrange my kitchen while I was at an ob/gyn appointment during a high-risk pregnancy during which I was to eat, sleep, and bathe and that was IT. No cooking, no cleaning, NOTHING else but he was telling everyone that I was LYING about that (guess the preterm labor that started in my fifth month wasn't enough to convince him, was it?). I was BEYOND angry (bordering on homicidal) when I got home and found that they'd effectively rearranged my house. And it hurt that he'd let someone come in and do that stuff to me.
NOW, we have *my* parents living with us, and it's a constant battle to keep my mother out of our business, because my mother and I have completely different approaches to life. Ok, I'm a disorganized sloblet, and she's one of those 'everything has its place' types.
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Permalink Reply by Angel Beers on -
OMG I thought you must be joking at first. Now I know you aren't. Ok my 2 cents. First if you can go buy him a bunch of socks at like Sams or costco or something. Then ask him if his arms are painted on and if he is capable of working the washing machine by himself. Tell him if he can then he has your permission to use it and not wash anything of yours. Then the next time he reaches over in the middle of the night ask him how his mother would like for you to do it then roll over. He'll get the message. Good luck girl.
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