How do you treat children equally when they have different needs?

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Permalink Reply by MomOnMars on July 7, 2009 at 4:23pm

Mine are 11 and 9, and we continue to struggle with this issue. My 9-year-old is sick and tired of "always having to give in" to avoid a meltdown and my 11-year-old (the Aspie) thinks he should get everything his sister gets. But you know, I'm not sure that's not the same with most siblings - even when both are neurotypical. There's this innate sense of fairness. I suspect our parents handled it by simply saying "because he's older than you." And they were done with it. I could do the same, but my daughter knows there's more to the story than that. We were able, as she got older, to explain what Asperger's is and why we do the things we do. That helped, but only a little bit. I hope some of this will continue to fade with age and maturity. So I'm trying to stay focused on the long haul.

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Permalink Reply by DPopTart on July 10, 2009 at 11:13am

I'm not sure I understand the situation(s), but as the mother of three (one 20 year old with Asperger's, a 13 yr old being evaluated for spectrum &/or other issues, and a 9 year old who seems to have no developmental issues), our standard of "equal" is about allowing each child to have privileges they can carry responsibly.

Matters of mood management are tricky because it can be like "spoiling" a child, especially to siblings. Again, I don't know what the specifics are, but generally, we used more of a ritualized or repetitive process of setting boundaries (warnings for transitions, restating expected behaviors, redirection, toy for comfort, etc.) for such things which as the other children developed past they no longer wanted because that was seen as far less independent (baby-ish).

It is tricky; and you have to do lots of explaining -- on both sides -- as to why & how "different but equal" is based on ability, safety etc., not age or "right".

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Permalink Reply by Robin Hartman on July 11, 2009 at 7:20am

I am looking forward to being able to explain the differences to my 4 year old but right now its such a touchy thing. I don't want to say things like your brother is different, your brother has a condition, or anything like that. But I don't want him to understand that his brother needs to weighted blanket, not him. His brother has difficulty talking but that doesn't mean you can make noises like him because he need to speak. The hardest part, and maybe this is wrong on my part, is when I tell my 4 year old things like "your brother really wants to watch this or do this, so just let him have his way," when he may feel like he never gets his way.


DPopTart said:

I'm not sure I understand the situation(s), but as the mother of three (one 20 year old with Asperger's, a 13 yr old being evaluated for spectrum &/or other issues, and a 9 year old who seems to have no developmental issues), our standard of "equal" is about allowing each child to have privileges they can carry responsibly.

Matters of mood management are tricky because it can be like "spoiling" a child, especially to siblings. Again, I don't know what the specifics are, but generally, we used more of a ritualized or repetitive process of setting boundaries (warnings for transitions, restating expected behaviors, redirection, toy for comfort, etc.) for such things which as the other children developed past they no longer wanted because that was seen as far less independent (baby-ish).

It is tricky; and you have to do lots of explaining -- on both sides -- as to why & how "different but equal" is based on ability, safety etc., not age or "right".

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Permalink Reply by DPopTart on July 14, 2009 at 12:37pm

I understand, believe me ;) I don't think you need to use the word "different" in a bad way -- we are all different (different hair coloring; one person love cats, another dogs; I love lima beans and most everyone else in my house hates them lol) so maybe just having conversations around that sort of framework will help your sons understand (and make you feel less uncomfortable).

For example, my middle one, currently undergoing tests & evaluations, is concerned that she is being compared to her other siblings with autism -- and she doesn't like it! I've been spending time with her & discussing Einstein, talking about the different theories on why he was different and had problems in school, etc. (everyone tries to diagnose him & claim him after his death lol) saying how if we changed one thing about his differences -- even the difficulties -- he wouldn't have thought the "different" way he did & we wouldn't have all the things he & his "different" genius brain made. Different does not equal bad. :)

As for interrupting & talking over anyone, well, that's just a normal thing kids do & they need to be taught not to do it. You could remind him of his "manners" (or whatever words you use for that) and if/when he's frustrated by how long it takes, say that sometimes the wait is longer for you & Bailey to understand one another or something that minimizes "Bailey is a problem" and emphasizes that communication takes as long as it takes.

Regarding things like TV etc, maybe you could switch to something like "this is Bailey's time to choose" or "Bailey needs this to X" and then not only offer Jakob a time when he can chose but remind him of his own special things (item to sleep with, bedtime rituals etc.)

I hope I don't sound preachy or judgmental or anything -- that's not my intention at all. I know this is all a floundering mess most of the time! I'm just offering suggestions based on what we've done and works here... It's not advice or intended to imply that you're doing anything wrong. :)

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Permalink Reply by Robin Hartman on July 16, 2009 at 12:21pm

You don't sound preachy. I wanted to know what works :) thanks! I really like the switching off picking activities. We do that sometimes but we should try to be more consistent.

DPopTart said:

I understand, believe me ;) I don't think you need to use the word "different" in a bad way -- we are all different (different hair coloring; one person love cats, another dogs; I love lima beans and most everyone else in my house hates them lol) so maybe just having conversations around that sort of framework will help your sons understand (and make you feel less uncomfortable).

For example, my middle one, currently undergoing tests & evaluations, is concerned that she is being compared to her other siblings with autism -- and she doesn't like it! I've been spending time with her & discussing Einstein, talking about the different theories on why he was different and had problems in school, etc. (everyone tries to diagnose him & claim him after his death lol) saying how if we changed one thing about his differences -- even the difficulties -- he wouldn't have thought the "different" way he did & we wouldn't have all the things he & his "different" genius brain made. Different does not equal bad. :)

As for interrupting & talking over anyone, well, that's just a normal thing kids do & they need to be taught not to do it. You could remind him of his "manners" (or whatever words you use for that) and if/when he's frustrated by how long it takes, say that sometimes the wait is longer for you & Bailey to understand one another or something that minimizes "Bailey is a problem" and emphasizes that communication takes as long as it takes.

Regarding things like TV etc, maybe you could switch to something like "this is Bailey's time to choose" or "Bailey needs this to X" and then not only offer Jakob a time when he can chose but remind him of his own special things (item to sleep with, bedtime rituals etc.)

I hope I don't sound preachy or judgmental or anything -- that's not my intention at all. I know this is all a floundering mess most of the time! I'm just offering suggestions based on what we've done and works here... It's not advice or intended to imply that you're doing anything wrong. :)

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