How do you rise a child that is caring and giving but at the same time is not walked on by their peers?
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I am a mother of two beautiful children ages 10 and 7. The expectation in my home is that you treat everyone with kindness and respect. My children live up to this expectation (for the most part- hey we all have are days!) but I have noticed they tend to back down when they are being bullied. When I ask my children why they backed down they respond with, "I didn't want to hurt their feelings". So now I am feeling the backlash of my raising style, my children are okay with being treated poorly because they are terrified to hurt someone else's feelings. What do I do?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Beth on -
Congrats on doing such a wonderful job of teaching your children the importance of kindness. I know it can be difficult to do in our society with some of the things we're up against. I would say this may be an individual personality thing. It sounds as though your children are uncomfortable w/confrontation & there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe you could help teach them that kindness also applies to themselves. They are being kind & respectful to themselves when they do not allow someone to treat them poorly. They need to understand that not wanting to hurt others shouldn't involve compromising their own feelings. It doesn't have to be done with confrontation or aggression but they can learn to politely stand their ground and it's also very important they do so. If they don't learn how to do that, the bullies will always know who to pick on and that will be unfortunate. It is ok if your children say "I don't agree with you" or something to that affect & then simply change the subject. It helps also teach that everyone is an individual and that if we can all have our individual opinions and express them politely, the world can be a better place. Keep up the good work & good luck with this.
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Permalink Reply by Melissa Bullard on -
Thank you- what great advice. My husband and I have many talks with the children on how to handle bullies but I never thought to tell my them by allowing others to treat them poorly they are not treating themselves with kindness and respect. Well said! I think by explaining it to them that way it will give them a different perspective of looking at the situation.
Thank you!
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Permalink Reply by ECHOage on -
This is a tricky one. I have raised my kids in a similar fashion and they too are not great at making a scene when their feelings get hurt. I think fundamentally our kids know what is right and wrong. We teach them not to fight fire with fire so they let the insults come until they know it is getting really bad and then they do something like tell a parent or teacher. These seem to be the life lessons that kids need to learn now in order to be well adjusted when they are older.
Roz
ECHOage Ambassador
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Permalink Reply by Melissa Bullard on
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I agree, these are the life lessons they need to learn. Oh, how it hurts my heart to watch though! It is so hard to know if you are doing the right thing... thank you for the encouraging words it helps to know that I am not alone.
Melissa
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Permalink Reply by Stephanie Lisa Tara on -
i hear you and understand. i am open to everyone's ideas.
my 8 year old also is confronted with such issues, even here in peaceful san francisco, and i have kept to my beliefs... to be compassionate and try to understand that anger is the enemy, and love is the only way. im not sure what else to do, ? this is how ghandi lived.
xo to all :)
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Permalink Reply by Evangelia Biddy on -
The secret here is to also teach your children to only share their space and friendship with other people who share their gifts of self-respect and kindness with them. A bully is a child in pain. Young people should be encouraged to stand up for themselves with honor, knowing that they have the right to be treated as well as they treat other people. To walk away or elect not to play with certain children is the right. Give them that power and they will self-select friends that mirror their own values. www.juniorthemagazine.com.
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Permalink Reply by Denna J. Shelton on -
It sounds like you have tender hearted & compassionate children just as I do! These are such wonderful characteristics and beautiful traits. I have watched in my own children how this has been a wonderful blessing and a curse at times.
BOUNDARIES are something that I had to teach my children. With coaching & practice, they have learned when "enough is enough" and when to speak up boldly & firmly!
I believe the biggest impact we can make in life lessons for our children is for them to not only hear our principles but see us living them! I demonstrate strong boundaries for myself not only for my own well-being, but so my children will understand.
Blessings to you,
Denna
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Permalink Reply by Sula Lee on -
That is such a great question. I think my husband and I came from two different worlds. My family was very kind - sort of like what you were describing above...my husband's family was the exact opposite. So I've actually had to learn boundaries and how to defend myself as an adult. I think the most important thing is to teach your children about those around you. Mine are 3 and 6 and I have already started them volunteering on a small scale. But since their dad is an alcoholic, I have also had to teach them how to have thick skin and realize that people who "hurt" you are really hurt themselves - and the mistreatment is never about them. I think just talking through these issues with kids is really empowering. The only thing I would change aobut my upbringing is that I wish my parents had talked to me more. I feel in some ways ill-prepared to deal with my husband and my in-laws. So I have really made an effort to talk through everything with my kids, let them see me defend and take care of myself, and of course, be the kind, gentle person that my family raised me to be. Good luck!
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