DIVORCE

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Permalink Reply by Lori on November 4, 2008 at 6:22am

Madelyn, I don't have wise words. I will be praying for your family. Is it past the counseling stage? I just want you to be sure you try all avenues before the divorce, have you tried a temporary separation? It breaks my heart to see and read this; you are right I don't know the particulars. I just want you to be able to say, "you tried everything you could in your power." Others will have better advice on specifics, but I will be praying.

As far as telling your son, the best situation is for you and your husband to be a united front before him, both of you reaffirming your love to him, reminding him that the love you have towards him does not change, no matter what; and be truthful to his questions. He will remember and replay that day when he is older and you want him to be able to say "yeah, it sucked; but they always told me the truth."

Hugs.

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Permalink Reply by Madelyn Morales on November 4, 2008 at 8:59am

Jessie, you and Laurel just made me cry. I just feel all twisted up inside. I've looked at this from every angle and I just feel like the only solution is for us to not be together. We don't respect eachother anymore, we hardly talk. It seems like all we do is fight, fight, fight. I love really hard. I want to give my love and have it returned. I'm really affecionate and fun-loving and we are just not that way anymore. I can't do this anymore.

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Permalink Reply by Lori on November 4, 2008 at 9:07am

Madelyn Morales said:

Jessie, you and Laurel just made me cry. I just feel all twisted up inside. I've looked at this from every angle and I just feel like the only solution is for us to not be together. We don't respect eachother anymore, we hardly talk. It seems like all we do is fight, fight, fight. I love really hard. I want to give my love and have it returned. I'm really affecionate and fun-loving and we are just not that way anymore. I can't do this anymore.

Praying you through. And when I mentioned counseling, at first you both do not need to go...go by yourself. Even if you do end up divorcing, you will need the counselor for yourself. There will be no easy road either way. Jessica is right God has a special plan for everyone. I don't know if you are a Christian or not so I don't want to offend you, but either way He loves you. I am sorry you are going through this and I am sending hugs.

And if money is an issue for the counseling, many have what is called "sliding scales" and you only pay what you can afford. So don't let money stop you.

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Permalink Reply by Madelyn Morales on November 4, 2008 at 9:09am

Laurel, thank you for your prayers. You know I just feel like I can't really waste anymore time talking. I have expressed to my husband what I need to be happy and I have been very clear. He's like the typical male in that when he sees that I'm really P o'd he will pitch in with the kids, etc. Suddenly he will magically do everything that he knows I want him to do, ie. compliment me, help with the kids, etc. so he knows exactly what it is that will make me happy. It's not a question of him not knowing. Then, if I don't respond to him the way he wants me to (i.e. making love or whatever), he turns back into a jerk and is mean. This is why I don't let my guard down. It's been proven over and over that each time I let my guard down and think he's turning over a new leaf he "turns green" as in like the Incredible Hulk and becomes a monster. I will give and give but if it' s not reciprocated, I'm done. I can't keep exposing myself to hurt and disappointment. It's killing me emotionally.

Laurel said:

Madelyn, I don't have wise words. I will be praying for your family. Is it past the counseling stage? I just want you to be sure you try all avenues before the divorce, have you tried a temporary separation? It breaks my heart to see and read this; you are right I don't know the particulars. I just want you to be able to say, "you tried everything you could in your power." Others will have better advice on specifics, but I will be praying.

As far as telling your son, the best situation is for you and your husband to be a united front before him, both of you reaffirming your love to him, reminding him that the love you have towards him does not change, no matter what; and be truthful to his questions. He will remember and replay that day when he is older and you want him to be able to say "yeah, it sucked; but they always told me the truth."

Hugs.

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Permalink Reply by Lori on November 4, 2008 at 9:12am

I understand it is like emotional abuse. {{hugs}}

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Permalink Reply by Madelyn Morales on November 4, 2008 at 9:28am

absolutely. You know men are such cave people. We really aren't as complex as they make us out to be. I always say that there are so many women that aren't clear with men as far as their needs, etc. it's no wonder the poor guys are confused. In my case all I have to do is hand over a manual I'm so specific. But as happens so many times, the woman waits and waits for a crumb of attention or affection for so long and don't get it that when they finally get it, they don't want it. What a catch 22. And of course they always think that a kiss or hug HAS to lead to sex. It can't just be a token of love. We don't always want sex. Don't they get it?

Laurel said:

I understand it is like emotional abuse. {{hugs}}

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Permalink Reply by Hummie on November 5, 2008 at 9:29am

Divorce is never easy! It feels like your whole world is tumbling in.

It looks like you got some good advise from others to make sure this is what you feel is best. I pray that God give you this wisdom to get through this situation.

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Permalink Reply by Madelyn Morales on November 5, 2008 at 10:11am

thanks for your kind words Hummie. I'm saying my prayers too.

Hummie said:

Divorce is never easy! It feels like your whole world is tumbling in.

It looks like you got some good advise from others to make sure this is what you feel is best. I pray that God give you this wisdom to get through this situation.

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Permalink Reply by Tina Ranieri on September 9, 2009 at 11:56am

Hello!

Im so sorry to hear.
Im separated now going on 3 years from my 2nd husband, its never an easy decision.
I just turned 47 last week and I had been seriouly thinking about leaving since
I was 39.
Its not a decsion that any one else can make for you, not family, not friends.
It is a decision that will take weeks, months, maybe even years for some to decide.
If it cannot be worked out between the two of you, you will leave when you have
decided that you have had enough and not one minute sooner or later.

I will tell you that habit becomes character, and if you do not wish this same type or
relationship to your children its best to separate at once. They are little tape recorders
in junior high and even as teens, just as they were as toddlers. You pray they dont
find love from another in this same manner, that they wont carry on the energy on
down the line but they do.

Try not to tell you children so much that will be negative, you said,"that means daddy
wont live with us anymore" Yes this is true but it sounds more like to me you are trying to
convince yourself, at the hands of your children. He cannot make the decision for you either.

Our children know it and face it weeks, months, years before we even do, that
something is and has been wrong for longer than we are even willing to admit or face
ourselves. My husband is an alcoholic, my children begged me for years to stop letting
him come back home and why do I take it and on and on.

His stealing from everyone inthe family, his filthy mouth on me and his blowing the
paycheck and affairs were than than I could carry on my shoulders any more.
And needles to say it almost tore our entire family apart.
I used to tell myself I would stay for the house, and the neighborhood, but I realized after some
years the amount of life and love I was denying myself for the security of ????

My own mother in law told me several times when I complained to her,
if you keep on doing what you've always done, you will keep on having what you've always had.

I shuddered at the thought. Im very much about living out loud, and I was not.

Even now he still blames me, not willing to seek help or counseling,
still pointing the finger at everyone else. We can talk at times now.
But he still has a nasty mouth when he wants to, but at least now Im free
to leave, and get away from him. I dont choose to be a part of any longer.

Arguing is a form of release. But it is also very addicting, becomes a habit itself.
And their are other ways to cope to handle to communicate to release.

If you were raised in such a household yourself growing up, your chances of
marrying into a relationship just like your parents is 97%.

Whats that song, a 2nd beginning a 2nd new chance.
It hurts but over time the hurt does go away.
Their are still roller coasters to be ridden, puppies and birthdays to celebrate,
ne flower to smell, new friends to make....
2 out of my 3 children and I sought counseling through al-anon and they are miraculous!
They suggest going for at least 5 years or as long as you have to deal with the addicted person.
They teach you ways to cope and to not get caught up in the roller coaster drama mood swings
that come with their addiction, and what to dowith all of the quiet, that your addcited one spent so much
time filling up. lol

I laugh now, but it has not always been so easy for me.

We still have things in the house, we till havent divorced.
We all go out to dinner from time to time, but that is it.

Not being around him and his moods all the time, I can
really see how bad he is, so angry, so depressed. And now
he has a new girlfriend, 20 years younger than me, OUCH! that hurt bad.
But shes is catching all of his hell at least, not me and the kids arent
anymore.

He begged for many months a year ago for me to take him back.
That he would change,all the changes I wanted. But he said he
was going to counseling twice a week with my minister, my minister told
me my husband was not. My husband told me he was lonely and waiting for me,
my daughter and several neighbors told me otherwise. And I saw it for myelf.
He was taking her into our house!
And the thing is, you dont know how bad I would have given for him to say those words
to me at any given time whn I was still there
and mean it! But just as his nature, he always said Im sorry after the fact,
always too little too late.

I remember when I felt just like you, threats, questioning everyone around me.

I swear the hardest part is riding that fence, and I did it for so long.
But once you make the decision, it really is so freeing.
Like my wings just became unfurled, my hair let down ilong in the breeze.
Ive heard many other moms say the same thing to.
Because its a limbo, a rut you get stuck in it and you cant get out of it.

My final decision was made when my mother in law said what she
did and when I was watching the movie, The Pursuit of Happiness, Will Smith.
So many things in that movie kept striking a cord with me,
about not ever letting any body take your dream from you,
when he was in the bathroom all night with his son, when his wife left him.

I didnt know who I was anymore, I tried so hard to please him for years
and nothing ever worked, just the constant reaching, digging my fingers in the dirt,
till there was no thing of me left, of Tina any more.

I talked to my minister, so many times, just make the pain stop, make him stop,
please tell me the answers to what I should do.
And they always prayed with me for strength and guidance.

One day my female minister, a long time friend of mine from childhood
sat down with me, I begged her what do I have to do? Ive
given up everthing for him, what is left?

She told me I had to give it all up, a sort of sacrifice, I had to let go and I didnt
want to let go. I had to let go and let God.

I did not want to hear this, I was standing their broken as it was, tears streaming down my face
how about something to restore me?

When you let go she said, you will be restored, you have made him your God,
your whole life has been hard, you wanted a saviour.
This seemed ludicrous tome at the time, I struggled with those thoughts for 4 more months.
Then I got a job, got my hair done and left him.

My license did not even look like me back then, my new license next year
will be a completely different person, not haggerd and worn, beaten down.

My children really have their real mom back and they are so happy!

Im sorry I went so long here.

Sometimes as mother, as wives, as women, we
have to make the hardest decisions, we have the hardest lives.

But Ive grown alot, I learned alot and so have my children.

I suppose in some respects my ex has too, but I can see many ways he has not.
And I can see now, why the marriage was so hard,
why so much
arguing.
..and life goes on.

I hope you take your time, you make the decisions, you do what makes you happy
and not what makes any one else happy.
If you are happy your children will be happy!
They can see though everything.

Sometimes you really do need to leave home, to find your way back again.
Sometimes many times too.

Good Luck!
I'll be praying for you too!
many blessings and healings your way.
xo

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