More than one mom at school

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Permalink Reply by Paisley on November 16, 2008 at 3:13pm

Oh boy did we ever.
Diva is the house mom. She handles all and everything.
Our eldest Ben ran himself into a wall a few months ago and split his eyebrow open.
He was chilly about it, didn't panic. It was during gym so he went up to his coach and asked for a band aid. The coach freaked, sent him to another coach, that coach freaked, told him he needed to go to the clinic. He protested -Nah just gimme a band aid.
Nope sent him to the clinic.
He gets to the clinic -realizing by now he's bleeding harder than he thought and maybe *just* a band aid won't do- and they freak & tell him he needs stitches & "we need to call your mom".
Now understand: I work nights, & I'm off Wed/Thur, this was a Wed. I usually sleep like a demon on Wed, and Ben knows this. This was also the time of day that Diva lays down with the Mini-Chic for nap.
Ben told them all this and they called. They got Diva of course. I don't answer the phone if I can help it. I work on the phone & I hate being the phone @ home.
So she goes round & round with them b/c they asked for me, and she handles these things and we told them that (and I was asleep). Finally she gets them to give her the info and then they give her grief about picking him up. They insisted on sending him home, even tho he wanted to stay @ school and he felt fine (don't snarl, our kids are taught to be self sufficient; with this one I was actually glad to see this one disappointment about missing biology -"Dude I coulda been the lesson!"). Oh *you have to come in, you need to sign him out*

...PEOPLE!! He's freakin 15, no bones are broken, he's mobile & coherent. SEND HIM OUT.
No, she had to jump thru flaming hoops on a rickety unicycle blindfolded over a pit of poisoned spikes w/o a net.
So she woke me. While I was trying to peel my eyes open, they called back, going thru the *procedure*. She told them I was coming, I heard her, she was standing right there. They went thru the: stop @ guard shack, he'll tell ya where to go blah blah..she repeated it to me and I was smoking and nodding and yawning and on my way to a semi-awake state.
This is the same run down they gave her when they stopped refusing to tell her what the hell they called for. Did I mention they WOULD NOT give her directions to the clinic? Yeh, we thought that was odd too.
Anyway she finally makes it clear we speak English & we can manage that *speak to the guard* thing and hung up. I woke up a lil more then. I'm only paraphrasing here but she DID tell them we speak English. That's what woke me up.
SO I get myself into some clothes and walking out the door they called back again.
I answered this time,and they go: Ms Jordan?
-Yeh.
-Oh I just wasn't sure you were coming
(But ...I heard Diva tell them she woke me and I was coming....)
-She woke me up & I 'm walking out right now
-Ok well just let them know who you're looking for @ the guard shack & we'll send him out.
(This is when I decided I was walking into that building...no matter what)

So I get there & grab the boy & on our way out, I stop @ the desk. I let lil miss there know our family sitch:
-I work nights & my partner handles all things kid/school related.
-Oh we didn't have her name
-She's on his emergency card. Hell she filled out the card. I just signed it. I do 2 things A LOT..I sleep & I work..Today, I was asleep, because I just got home from work about 6am, see.
-Oh (flustered b/c I busted her ass) we havent gotten to all the cards for the new kids
-She's all over ALL of his paperwork. OK. Future reference-All things related to this kid & his needs as pertains to this school go thru Diva. She handles this. I sleep & I work. I dont even know what size this kid wears anymore but she does. So...you talk to her, its better than talking to me, b/c I am usually asleep this time of day. Thank you.

This is the high school,I mean honestly. Kids drive themselves in for cryin gout loud!!
I had to throw down a similar rant @ the kids' doctor. Diva got so sick of the *you aint the momma* bullshit that she doesn't bother going anymore.
If she had a penis none of this would matter, would it?

OK done raving...

Raven :P

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Permalink Reply by Mama Grimtribe on December 4, 2008 at 7:00pm

Paisley's right. We've had the darndest time handling kids and school. I remember one packet that I was told I could sign off on that she had to go back to the school and fill out all over again because I'm not a legal guardian I can't sign it. Then they lost the paper and she had to go do it again.
She called a gay rights paralegal and was told that for me to be able to legally sign off on the kids papers at school, etc, Paisley'd have to terminate her parental rights and have me legally adopt the kids. Um, no. We both want to be able to do stuff.

When our son Kris went to the hospital it was the same runabout. Luckily I had a cell phone on me and knew this was coming so I could have her number for the ER folks to get permission to treat him. She works on the phone, so the chance to actually get her is slim. They got through. We were glad it was just stitches in his hand and not something life threatening.

You learn little tricks. I usually answer the phone as Paisley. I know all her dates and numbers, so passing me off as my partner is pretty easy. Maybe Illegal, but I have her permission to do so. I tell school people and doctors that "I have to go to work, so I need to send my partner, Diva to fetch-talk with-handle whatever". Previous medical info can be a problem. How many months pregnant with the kids or did the eldest get his shots on time or attend preschool and where... that kind of stuff kicks ya in the natches. When callers catch you pretending to be your partner, they get huffy.

I have a one page photo copy of her license and my license with a note from her saying that I am allowed to make decisions about the children in her absence. Keep one of those puppies in the car. Preferably notarized. I've gotten flack about mine not being notarized before. Ours is out of date and has our past address on it. I really need to fix that.

Most of the teachers are very supportive. It's really the administration garbage that causes problems. The kids current doctor treats me like a neighbor the kids barely know rather than the person who knows their patterns, habits and behaviors. It's his headspace, so I know rather than trying to break 50 years of intolerance, I'll just send her - we won't get results until she goes anyway.

Do what you can. Realize when you're up against a brick wall and let a birth parent handle those parts. Being all "angry nazi lesbian" (that's what will be thought of you, if you show your butt) isn't going to get somebody to help you. Demand the same rights that step-parents get, maybe you can pull it off. Personally, I act like I have those rights already - it's up to them to prove differently and with as much smooth determination and belief as I can exude.

If you act like you know what you're doing and can handle it efficiently and pleasantly, most people will believe you do and follow you. If you act like you know everything.... that's where trouble comes in.

Good luck. It's an uphill battle. Wear your Good Ass Kicking boots.

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Permalink Reply by Lezzymom on December 29, 2008 at 9:26am

So far we have been really lucky. Ours is in 1st grade and has been at the same school since pre-school. All the teachers have been great with 4 moms descending on them for parent teacher conferences and stuff. Her birth mother and I are separated and have each re-married (well not really but you know).

I know there will be bumps along the way but hopefully we can have smooth sailing for a bit longer.

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Permalink Reply by Linda Welch on February 9, 2009 at 3:58pm

Wow - after reading all of this, I can see that we've had it pretty easy...We're on our 4th child in the public school system - we've successfully raised and graduated 3 from college in the last 19 years! With the first 3, we were kind of a novelty in our school district - we felt like the lesbian poster children. Everyone always had a public smile for us...I was the step parent for the first 3, so had no legal standing - but no one ever challenged any signatures or emergency pick ups from school. I had the most flexible schedule of all the parents, so I was often the one doing the picking up. We have also made it a point to get to know as many of the teachers and staff in the schools and been very involved. That has helped a lot. With our youngest, we're both her legal parents. It took a long time, but one of the districts finally changed the information sheets from mother and father to parent and parent...

So, in terms of school, our biggest challenge was early on when the youngest boy (aged 5) would come out about his family before we did - it was very confusing for the other parents! Many of the parents thought they had never met any gay men or lesbians before...

During elementary school, we made sure to discuss our family with the principal to be sure our kids didn't get placed with someone who was uncomfortable with our family.

I think it depends on where you live and how progressive the area is...we live in an area where it would be considered politically incorrect to treat us badly...

It all comes down to education in our opinion. - at least where we live. We just lived our lives like we were just like everyone else and expected to be treated the same as any other family.

I help in the classroom, teach after school classes, help with fundraising, emcee events, go on class trips....We definitely "try harder" and focus on a positive outcome - and it's brought great results for our kids.

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Permalink Reply by Jen on March 16, 2009 at 5:55pm

Our son just turned 7 and we haven't really had any encounters with the parents. The teachers at our sons school don't even bat an eyelash. Our school secretary knows us to the point she calls for him most of the time without even asking and if she does need to ask it's only the room number she needs to be reminded. We had one incident however in Kindergarten when we brought in cupcakes for his birthday and the children got confused asking if I was his aunt. (she's on the birth certificate and I'm adopting him also) I said no and that I was his mom also. Kids didn't freak out. They waited until the next day and had more questions for our child than ever imagined and not one of them mean surprisingly. One kid however said it wasn't fair he had two moms. (wanting something he couldn't have I guess?) About the same time they are also learning about things that are different (ie: animals, colors, shapes, etc...) We talked to the teacher and she had us bring in one of our alternative family books. (Heather has two mommys) Kids understand now that there are many different types of families and that all of them are normal. No more questions. Now in first grade. A few of the kids from his kindergarten class are in the same room as him. The only thing they worry about when they see us now is when are they getting more cupcakes.

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