I am writing an article on Single Motherhood for Root&Sprout.com and I would love your input

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Permalink Reply by Jessica Pegis on January 18, 2009 at 8:46am

Hi adoptioncoach. . .thanks for asking! Good luck with your article too. I would say the three things I find most rewarding are

1. the fact that our home is harmonious because there is no relationship friction to mess it up. I know that may sound a little weird to some but you probably get what I mean. it's just me and my daughter and she knows exactly where she is every day.

2. growing in a relationship with this child and watching her take steps toward adulthood. I have that close-up view that nobody else does. A total privilege. Sometimes I sense that some kids of single moms are more responsible because they've been given more responsibility.

3. celebrating milestones with family and chosen family. . .watching non-related friends become "family" because there's more space to welcome them. It sounds corny, but I think the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child" probably resonates more with single parents than with couples.

Challenges

1. Money. No matter how well I do, it's still half as much as two of me could make. But quite frankly, at a certain level, it doesn't matter.

2. Time for myself. We've all been there.

3. Housework. It goes way down on the list, and that's fine, but when you have people over and you want to cook and entertain (as I enjoy doing), that's when you really miss a partner. Luckily my daughter has been joining me in the kitchen for years and loves it so much, she'll be surpassing me any day now!


Jessica Pegis
O Solo Mama

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Permalink Reply by Happy Fish on January 21, 2009 at 7:55pm

Hi!

My best things are:

1. Being myself.
2. Building a relationship with my son.
3. New opportunities. Well, after you pass the feeling of being down all the time. :)

Challenges:

1. Money. I think this is a problem for almost all single moms.
2. Finding time to "stop and smell the roses", time for myself, for relaxation and reading. In addition, stop feeling guilty for having a bubble bath in the evening while your laundry's waiting for you. :)
3. Housework.

Wish you good luck with your article!

Helga.

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Permalink Reply by adoptioncoach on January 23, 2009 at 11:03am

Thanks so much for helping me out! I appreciate it.
Meg

Happy Fish said:

Hi!

My best things are:

1. Being myself.
2. Building a relationship with my son.
3. New opportunities. Well, after you pass the feeling of being down all the time. :)

Challenges:

1. Money. I think this is a problem for almost all single moms.
2. Finding time to "stop and smell the roses", time for myself, for relaxation and reading. In addition, stop feeling guilty for having a bubble bath in the evening while your laundry's waiting for you. :)
3. Housework.

Wish you good luck with your article!

Helga.

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Permalink Reply by rebecca on January 27, 2009 at 4:49pm

3 best:
1. closer relationship with my son, now 14. It's just he & I and it's been that way from day 1. Makes him appreciate me and all women more. He relates well to women and respects them, since he's seen me sacrifice a lot for him.
2. ability to be myself more than if I were in a marriage, I think. I kind of individualistic, and would have to have the right guy to be married to, not easy to find. I can do a hobby or 2 that I might not be allowed to if I were married, esp. to the wrong person who was always questioning my time.
3. just being a mom in general has really changed me for the better. I am now not half as selfish as before, and love being around my son and guiding him. I have learned a lot from him as well.

3 worst:
1. I echo everyone else on here about the money issue. I am currently trying to dig myself out of debt and it's not easy. We had to move away from our home state so that I could make a job change that would help me get rid of the debt more easily. That's a major scary step, and we miss our friends in FL.
2. relative lack of a father figure for my son. His dad is still in our home state, but he was never super-involved anyway. It's even harder now with the distance. He is involved money-wise however, so I count my blessings.
3. Feeling like it's all on me, moral support-wise. Our friends have been our lifeline, and now that we are in a new state, I have had to start to build that lifeline here. Echoing the other mom here about "it takes a village", it's not just a Hillary cliche, it's true, especially for single moms.

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Permalink Reply by Laura Campbell on February 2, 2009 at 12:56pm

Hi Meg,

I am a Divorce And Life Reinvention Coach and founder of The D Spot. You can find out more about me at www.discoverthedspot.com and www.lauracampbellcompanies.com.

I would love to talk to you about the whole single mom thing....my life is devoted to supporting women to regroup, renew and reinvent themselves before, during and after divorce!

Don't hesitate to contact me!

Laura

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Permalink Reply by Yui Arpornratn on February 5, 2009 at 8:24pm

Hi, I agree with everyone on this.

The 3 best things for me are:
1. I am now having freedom that I never have while I was in the Abusive relationship for the past 11 years.
2. I realized that I become more independent
3. I realized how much support I got from friends and family (especially my toddler.) I would not survive without my toddler.

Challenges:
1. Time management (between work and home)
2. Guilt of not having and spending enough time with my toddler while I know that he needs to spend more time with me. And that I have to send him to daycare full-time.
3. Getting and managing to get help for my toddler. My son has special needs that requires therapy sessions (for his developmental delay.) It is very challenging to find good therapists for him.

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Permalink Reply by Mommy and MeeMaw on March 13, 2009 at 8:10pm

Good luck with your article!

Best
1. Freedom to do what I want when I want! (If we want breakfast for dinner...we do it)!
2. One on one time with my son and the closeness that comes of it
3. Enjoying the time alone with my son and not "sweating the small stuff" (course I'm alot older with this one than I was with my other two boys who are now grown)

Worst
1. Money and bills (just like everyone else!)
2. Having to send him to daycare during the summer and other holidays from school because I have to work
3. The rushing to and from work and when we get home to get homework, dinner etc done before bed time without someone to lend a "helping hand"!

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Permalink Reply by KimberlyF on March 14, 2009 at 4:45am

I am 42 years old and have been a single mom twice. Both for two totally different reasons. I divorced my 1st husband when our son was 3 years old. I was single for about 2 years. The 3 greatest things about being single during that time was, 1. I no longer had to be the target of his anger. 2. I could actually enjoy being with my son and focusing all of my energy on him. He is a great kid (graduated with honors last year). 3. Knowing that I could and would make it on my own. It was tough. I lost my very good job 3 weeks after my divorce was final. My ex was laid off from his job (which meant no child support). I was on unemployment, and every kind of financial assistance I could get for about 6 months. Then I landed a great job with the federal govt and things just went up hill from there. After 2 years, I met the Love of My Life. We were married for 7 years and had a daughter together. When she was 4 years old, my husband died unexpectedly of a pulmonary embolism. We also had custody of his 3 children. So that made a total of 5 children from the ages of 4 to 16 that were in our house hold. My life changed instantly. We owned our own business at the time. It was a small engine repair shop. It was surprisingly pretty successful. But when he died, I closed it down. He was the mechanic...without him, we had no business. The day of his funeral, his children went back to live with their mother. We had custody of them for 4 years. So, I was now down to 2 children...which when looking back...was probably a good thing. 5 children would have been impossible for me to take care of on my own. The hardest thing about being a single parent is 1. Always feeling inadequate. (You really wish you could get that new "Hannah Montana" CD for your daughter.) Wishing you didn't have to buy your kids clothes at thrift stores. I do it for fun...mostly, but sometimes...your 10 year old daughter just wants to go to the mall... 2. Never being able to have a social life. I have dated some over the last few years, and have finally met someone who treats me with dignity, respect and is just a really great guy. But, I was very careful not to bring men around my daughter until I got to know them. It was really hard to get to know them...because I could never get a sitter and couldn't afford to pay one. Being lonely has to be one of the hardest things for me. 3. The third and most perplexing thing is letting go of "why". WHY did I wind up here? Who knows? You're here now...deal with it. WHY did I have to go through that heartache from the jerk who broke my heart? Well...I guess I had to learn a lesson on what to NOT look for in a guy. I could go on and on about the life lessons I have learned, but I think you get the point. My only advice is...Don't give up...Pull yourself up by the bootstraps....wipe the tears out of your eyes and just say....I CAN DO THIS.

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Permalink Reply by adoptioncoach on March 16, 2009 at 11:34am

Thanks so much for sharing. I agree with you, we always question WHY? But if we can redirect ourselves to asking "What was the lesson I take away from this experience" and then pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off ~ we can accomplish anything! Staying positive is not easy but it is a choice. Thank you for being so honest and open.
Blessings,
Meg

KimberlyF said:

I am 42 years old and have been a single mom twice. Both for two totally different reasons. I divorced my 1st husband when our son was 3 years old. I was single for about 2 years. The 3 greatest things about being single during that time was, 1. I no longer had to be the target of his anger. 2. I could actually enjoy being with my son and focusing all of my energy on him. He is a great kid (graduated with honors last year). 3. Knowing that I could and would make it on my own. It was tough. I lost my very good job 3 weeks after my divorce was final. My ex was laid off from his job (which meant no child support). I was on unemployment, and every kind of financial assistance I could get for about 6 months. Then I landed a great job with the federal govt and things just went up hill from there. After 2 years, I met the Love of My Life. We were married for 7 years and had a daughter together. When she was 4 years old, my husband died unexpectedly of a pulmonary embolism. We also had custody of his 3 children. So that made a total of 5 children from the ages of 4 to 16 that were in our house hold. My life changed instantly. We owned our own business at the time. It was a small engine repair shop. It was surprisingly pretty successful. But when he died, I closed it down. He was the mechanic...without him, we had no business. The day of his funeral, his children went back to live with their mother. We had custody of them for 4 years. So, I was now down to 2 children...which when looking back...was probably a good thing. 5 children would have been impossible for me to take care of on my own. The hardest thing about being a single parent is 1. Always feeling inadequate. (You really wish you could get that new "Hannah Montana" CD for your daughter.) Wishing you didn't have to buy your kids clothes at thrift stores. I do it for fun...mostly, but sometimes...your 10 year old daughter just wants to go to the mall... 2. Never being able to have a social life. I have dated some over the last few years, and have finally met someone who treats me with dignity, respect and is just a really great guy. But, I was very careful not to bring men around my daughter until I got to know them. It was really hard to get to know them...because I could never get a sitter and couldn't afford to pay one. Being lonely has to be one of the hardest things for me. 3. The third and most perplexing thing is letting go of "why". WHY did I wind up here? Who knows? You're here now...deal with it. WHY did I have to go through that heartache from the jerk who broke my heart? Well...I guess I had to learn a lesson on what to NOT look for in a guy. I could go on and on about the life lessons I have learned, but I think you get the point. My only advice is...Don't give up...Pull yourself up by the bootstraps....wipe the tears out of your eyes and just say....I CAN DO THIS.

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Permalink Reply by Kathy on March 20, 2009 at 9:06pm

Postive

more snuggle time with kiddo
less conflict
more time for me to find myself

challenge
less me time
no help with housework homework etc.
less financial help.

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Permalink Reply by Tara Burner on March 21, 2009 at 5:40am

3 best things:
1-home and life is peaceful, no negativity.
2-can spend more time in relationship with the kids
3-don't have to worry about someone else's 'agenda' and wants/needs/demands

I dont have any challenges as a single mom. I've been single mom for 19 1/2 yrs...have 20 yr old and 13 yr old (yes I know....you do not have to be w/someone to have a child..FYI since when ppl see the ages and length been single they question that!)
I own my own businesses and give God all the glory and praise so I have no challenges as single mom.
I cook every night, housework is easy when done daily..only takes a few mins and if things are kept up then it's a quick touch up so that's not even challenging. There really are no challenges for me.

Tara

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