New Single mom, going through a divorce, and dealing with the kids

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Permalink Reply by AffirmingSpirit on April 1, 2009 at 11:11pm

Dearest Lorie, and anyone else in a similar space,

As someone who has been long-time divorced, and now has an adult child, please listen carefully to my words of wisdom, having been there...and lived to talk about it:

1. The first years of a divorce can make even the best of us CRAZY, if you are not *very* careful. Truly. It's not good for you or your kids. Years down the line, it won't matter to the kids who left who, but they WILL remember who was calm and loving, who was there for school activities, and who talked badly about their other parent. Get your head on *straight* and remember that your *kids* are involved when you get jealous of your ex and act inappropriately.

2. Get yourself, and if possible your kids, into counseling. Check locally, there are many non-profits offering free or very low cost (scale) counseling.

3. Check your local library, or used bookstore (online or not) for Spiritual Divorce by Debbie Ford. It doesn't matter what your religious/spiritual point of view is, this book shows you how to come to terms with what got you into the divorce and will allow you not only to get through it with your head on straight (trust me, it isn't right now!), create the best-possible experience for your children, move past your jealously and internally driven madness, but also help PREVENT YOU FROM CREATING THE SAME KIND OF RELATIONSHIP NEXT TIME! Statistics show that divorced people are much more likely to get divorced if they ever re-marry, no matter how many times. (Debbie Ford is also on HayHouseRadio.com)

As for relationships, if you don't clean up your attitudes/emotions/beliefs and the patterns that created your marriage, you'll just go out and create similar relationships again and again. This is why people suggest waiting at least 1 year.

It's only been 2 months, but you are assuming your husband's new relationship is going to last. LOL! Are you hell-bent on creating another experience like your marriage? He apparently was. However, it's better for you and your kids if you give yourself lots of time to get through the experience, process your emotions with professionals who can show you how to channel your anger, get to know yourself again, and get out of the Divorce Crazies.

Yes, Lorie...you are oozing Divorce Craziness. If anyone reading this feels like they relate to Lorie, consider this *motherly* advice for yourself, as well.

Many blessings,
Nancy
@AffirmingSpirit

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Permalink Reply by Joanna Trusdle on April 2, 2009 at 1:58pm

Hi Lori

Been there - done that. You need to stay calm and in control for your kids sake. Don't argue with soon-to-be ex over the phone or in front of them. Don't bad mouth him either. You don't need to explain details with kids, just let them know you are no longer compatible or something along that line. They can find out the details later. The 10 year old might be able to grasp some of what is happening - you will know that or not. As far as "girlfriend", I think you need to be straight with your kids. Daddy has chosen to be with someone else. If you make up stuff, the kids will resent it later when they understand the truth. You definitely don't need to be thinking about dating yet! That will only confuse your kids more. You need to let things settle down - 2 or 3 years at least. You need to get yourself together as well. Going through a divorce is hell on earth. You will need time to recover - so will your kids, especially if their dad becomes difficult. Make sure you talk to your kids on a daily basis. This will let them know that you will listen to whatever is on their mind. It will also allow you to observe any changes. My kids were troopers, but not every kid is the same. The best policy is honesty with them. If you think they need counseling, check it out. I wouldn't rush into it, though. It might just add to the confusion. You will be the only one who'll know if this is necessary. Make sure you have close friends to confide in, as well. You will need a support base. Most of all - Stay Calm as much as possible, and keep a clear head. You need to start thinking about the minutest details ahead of time, and talk about everything with your attorney. Your attorney might even have some suggestions for your children. Stay in touch here - most of us have been through it and survived. Best.

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Permalink Reply by Aimee Wilson on April 10, 2009 at 11:21am

Lorie,

I've never been married but I am a child of divorce. Please focus on providing a stable and peaceful environment for you and your children. Honesty is the best policy here regarding the children and their dad's new relationship status and that is if they see the girlfriend. Being alone for a period of time to get things settled is not a bad idea. All the best -

Savor life's best,
Aimee

@AimeeWilson

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Permalink Reply by Lorie Zampelli on April 13, 2009 at 6:15pm

I'm grateful to all of you who have added input to this discussion. It's nice to know I'm not the only one that has or is currently going through this. I do feel some resentment towards my ex that he could cast me aside, like an old shoe, and just begin shacking up with another woman and her kid.

I've tried to be as open and honest with my kids as I can be, and thank God everyday that I have a strong support network between my parents, my friends, and my church community. Everyone has been great, especially since I've had surgery in the middle of this entire nightmare.

I do hope, at some point, that I can at least have a civil relationship with my ex. After all, we do share two pretty great kids and we're attached together because of them forever. I am trying to move on with my life and I have been seeing a new man, but trying to tread lightly and carefully. I don't want to let my guard down and end up getting burned again.

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Permalink Reply by Molly on April 18, 2009 at 4:41pm

Lorie,
Just remember you are doing the best you can. You have your children's best interests at heart and that's the most important thing. What they will remember is how much you loved and love them. Being a new single Mom myself, it's quite a big change (even though I didn't get much help when we were together). As far as dating, I think it's different for everyone. I feel ready to start dating (we decided to separate in October, I moved out in December), but then my marriage has basically been over for a long time before that. Do what you feel is comfortable. I feel for you. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through, and noone gave me a manual! :) ~Molly~

Lorie Zampelli said:

I'm grateful to all of you who have added input to this discussion. It's nice to know I'm not the only one that has or is currently going through this. I do feel some resentment towards my ex that he could cast me aside, like an old shoe, and just begin shacking up with another woman and her kid.

I've tried to be as open and honest with my kids as I can be, and thank God everyday that I have a strong support network between my parents, my friends, and my church community. Everyone has been great, especially since I've had surgery in the middle of this entire nightmare.

I do hope, at some point, that I can at least have a civil relationship with my ex. After all, we do share two pretty great kids and we're attached together because of them forever. I am trying to move on with my life and I have been seeing a new man, but trying to tread lightly and carefully. I don't want to let my guard down and end up getting burned again.

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Permalink Reply by Lorie Zampelli on April 18, 2009 at 9:45pm

I wish there was a manual, Molly. Maybe then things would be easier on us. I am grateful for the support of my family and my close friends. Most of them think my ex is crazy for what he did, by cheating on me. I think I gave up a while ago, but I tried to make things work and in the end, my kids are the ones paying for it. I can honestly say I've made my peace with God in this situation. While I know He says that marriage is forever, God would never want me to be in a relationship that is harmful to me in any way. Since my marriage had begun to get violent, I know in my heart I did the right thing for me and my kids and that God understands. I hope you find that same peace. I just want my divorce to be done with, so we can both move on with our lives.

Molly said:

Lorie,
Just remember you are doing the best you can. You have your children's best interests at heart and that's the most important thing. What they will remember is how much you loved and love them. Being a new single Mom myself, it's quite a big change (even though I didn't get much help when we were together). As far as dating, I think it's different for everyone. I feel ready to start dating (we decided to separate in October, I moved out in December), but then my marriage has basically been over for a long time before that. Do what you feel is comfortable. I feel for you. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through, and noone gave me a manual! :) ~Molly~

Lorie Zampelli said:

I'm grateful to all of you who have added input to this discussion. It's nice to know I'm not the only one that has or is currently going through this. I do feel some resentment towards my ex that he could cast me aside, like an old shoe, and just begin shacking up with another woman and her kid.

I've tried to be as open and honest with my kids as I can be, and thank God everyday that I have a strong support network between my parents, my friends, and my church community. Everyone has been great, especially since I've had surgery in the middle of this entire nightmare.

I do hope, at some point, that I can at least have a civil relationship with my ex. After all, we do share two pretty great kids and we're attached together because of them forever. I am trying to move on with my life and I have been seeing a new man, but trying to tread lightly and carefully. I don't want to let my guard down and end up getting burned again.

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Permalink Reply by Evangelia Biddy on April 29, 2009 at 7:17pm

There are some wonderful resources for you in Junior . Read Where is the Love: Guidelines for a Good Divorce by Dr. Sam Margulies. There is also a great book Building a Parenting Agreement that Works by Mimi E. Lyster. Visit www.juniorthemagazine.com.

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Permalink Reply by Evangelia Biddy on April 29, 2009 at 7:34pm

In my first comment I gave solid advice and direction with resouces to help. Now I will tell you the God-loving truth! Your ex is an ass! A really big one! And the woman he is dating so soon after the breakup of your marriage is an ass too! What respectable woman would even present herself to your babies only a few months after the breakup of a family. A few short months at that! Your are divorcing that is true, but she should have more dignity than to even be at his house when the children are there or in the presence of your children at this more inappropriate time. She has no shame. There is a name for such a woman! Sam Margulies, PhD, MD has a book your husband could benefit from reading, A Man's Guide to a Civilized Divorce with Grace. www.juniorthemagazine.com.

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Permalink Reply by Amy Kinkead on May 4, 2009 at 1:00pm

Wow, I am going through the same thing right now. I just left my husband of 8 years in March of this year. It has been hard and the kids are doing alot better then what I thought they would they are 5 and 6. But I guess they are doing so good because it really isnt to different then if we was together cause he wasnt around very much as is was. But he is already proving that he is going to make the custody a long hard battle. Well hope to get to know all you lady's better

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Permalink Reply by Ms. Latina on May 11, 2009 at 7:41pm

Hi Lori

I totally understand how you feel. It is harder in the beginning and you have to surround yourself with supportive people. Your kids will come to you with questions as mine did. Be honest yet answer based on their age and understanding. Also, as hard as it is pls do not throw stones. In the end, it will hurt your child and you more than anything else. I speak as a child of a divorce, as well as from experience as a woman who went thru a divorce. I can tell you that time will help both you and the children. It does heal, the pain does lessen, and your life does get better. As far as dating, you cannot judge how long it should take based on what others have been through. Each individual is different. The amount of time you were together as well as the how you got to this point will affect how long it takes before you are healthy enough to date. I jumped into it right after and that was the worse thing I could have done. It actually made me feel alone. Its true when they say that the lonliest feeling is when you are surrounded by others. It is better to work out your pain before jumping into the dating pool as it will just complicate matters. Also, since you are not officially divorced it may come back to haunt you during the divorce proceeding. In the end, by "showing" him that you are over him and dating, will cost you more so take your time. I'm praying for you. Take care, Migdalia aka Ms. Latina P.S. My oldest is now 14 and he told me that I look younger now than when I was married. I do feel better and so will you.

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Permalink Reply by Laura Campbell on May 12, 2009 at 6:49am

You all are AMAZING! I too am a divorced mother of two boys only my experience led me to start my business, The D Spot, (www.discoverthedspot.com) where I am a Divorce and Life Reinvention Coach.

First of all, it is a journey...a journey that you control and YOU get to make the rules of your own life. There are fantastic resources for almost every area of your life as a divorced woman...financial, social, recreational, sexual, parenting...you name it! I know them all!

I always tell my clients and any other woman (or man) going through this transition that it is important to live each day in a way that enables you to go to sleep each night knowing that you have acted with integrity and honor....in a way that YOU can be proud of.

Let's face it...the kids will NEVER be happy about the divorce...but they will love BOTH you and their father...no matter what you each do! It is a deep and necessary love.

Feel free to contact me with any questions, comments or requests for resources...I believe in sharing! I also have a FREE weekly informational newsletter which you can sign up for on my site!

You, all of you, are bold, courageous and beautiful women and YOUR BEST life is yet to come!

Laura

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