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Our Dinner Disaster: A What Not-to-do Guide featuring Mr. Calamity's return

Soooo, we knew it was a bad sign when both kids were whiny tonight.

Yet, we decided to try out the new Coney Island by our house.

To call this a big mistake would be like saying that Lady Gaga is strange. It's true, yet it doesn't cover the magnitude of this statement. It was terrifying. I think it's safe to say that Jacob's alter ego, Mr. Calamity, was back in full force tonight. Here is a recap, complete with all of the mistakes we made going out to dinner with our little Bees tonight.

First mistake: The hostess said to sit wherever so we decided to sit on the bench seats. Immediately when we sat down. Drew jumped all over the bench seats, laying his head on the seat, exclaiming loudly when he saw any cars out the window across the restaurant. It was if someone made him eat Mexican jumping beans. He could not sit still. He needed more structured seating, obviously. He was the least of my worries, however....

Second mistake: We let the kids pick out their drinks. Jacob ordered juice. He is notoriously obsessed with juice, and the juice we drink at home is barely juice it's so watered down. This was concentrated juice 100% pure liquid gold juice, and to Jacob it was like crack to him. He drank all of his juice in the first ten minutes we were there, and Mr. B had to hold the cup for him the entire time because he doesn't understand how to drink out of a straw.

Third mistake: Ordering pancakes for the little Bees. When the boy's pancake dinner finally came, Drew wanted to butter and cut his pancake. Well, that's fine, it's a butter knife, and Drew's four. I could supervise while he did this. The problem was that now, because of this, Jacob wanted to butter and cut his pancake. Of course he needed help with this, except that he screamed every time we tried to help him. Then he didn't want to eat any of his food, and started crying because he wanted to cover the butter packet, which in turn made him sad and start to cry when I covered the butter because he wanted it out. If I didn't know better I would think Jacob was a trained child actor and we were on Candid Camera, he was being so out of control and ridiculous. He began to wail/cry in bursts of two intervals, like a siren.

At this point I picked him up sans jacket and dragged him outside, and we went until a Christmas decorations store, a beautiful store filled with baubles and lights and wreaths. He asked to be set down to walk through the store. I told him HELLS TO THE NO, or some child-friendly equivalent. Then we went back to the restaurant and he managed to eat one piece of pancake before throwing another fit. We decided to hell with eating and went to pay the bill. Once he was out of his highchair, Jacob wanted to be set down. Not wanting to cause ANOTHER scene, I relented. This would be mistake number four. Jacob, of course, started running through the restaurant.

When I tried to pick him up he started his limp body routine (you know what I am talking about), and screamed again. The older couples gave me a nasty look as I picked him up by his armpits (thereby exposing his whole belly to them) to drag him out of the restaurant again. I came very close to flipping their snooty asses off.

We sat in the car and Jacob wailed while we waited for Mr. B and Drew to pay the bill, wash their hands and put on their coats. This took an extraordinary amount of time. At least that's the way I felt with my screaming banshee in the car with me.

Now I am home, and I wondering, did I actually eat? Did I enjoy the food? Did Mr. B finish his meal? I don't know or remember.

I know I do remember where the Vodka is though, and really, knowing this is half the battle.

Toodles!

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My Bête Noire of Children's Programming

Us parents, we put up with a lot. We clean up some gross bodily fluids, have no alone time, spend thousands on ridiculous plastic shit that becomes walking hazards, and lose thousands of hours of sleep every year because of our children. Unfortunately, that is not the worst of it, either.

We have lost control of our Television. Gone are the days of watching some stupid movie on TBS that you already own because there is nothing else on. No TV channel is safe from inappropriate commercials, not even during the middle of the day. Your only safe channels are Sprout, Noggin, and the Disney Channel. (Yeah, and the Cartoon Network? NOT FOR CHILDREN. What a misnomer.) In turn, as parents, we put up with a lot of terrible children's programming. Usually, the show with the most annoying characters is our child's favorite show and we end up having to watch it again and again and again because unlike us parents, our children will watch the same episode of Dora the Explorer again and again with no remorse. Believe me, it's happened. (Note to ONDemand: Please put more than one episode of Dora on ONDemand? The only one that is on there is the one about Dora having a baby sister and now Jacob is convinced I am going to have a baby, we've watched it so much.)

So here are my least favorite characters from my children's favorite shows. I would have more, but I really don't let my children watch TV, we are too busy baking organic whole wheat bread in the oven or sewing our own clothes or learning mathematics.*


Special Agent Oso
Listen, I love Sean Astin (who voices Oso), I do. But this character is the dumbest Secret Agent on Earth. I can literally feel my brain cells slipping away as I watch this. It makes me wonder what it's doing to my children, who are way smarter than this Agent.


Caillou
Caillou is one of the universally hated characters. If you ever are having trouble making conversation with another Mother, just mention how you hate Caillou and you will have lots to talk about. (Unless of course she says she doesn't let her children watch TV in which case you should stop trying because you are not going to see eye to eye with this woman on anything anyway.) Caillou, here's some advice: maybe you should give it a rest and stop whining all of the time. Plus, you're kind of a little asshole. Caillou's parents: step in and discipline him, please.

Big Bird
This dates back to my childhood days of watching Sesame Street. Big Bird's voice annoys the crap out of me. Believe it or not, I prefer Elmo. That is saying a LOT. I don't know why Mr. Snuffleupagus hangs out with Big Bird, anyway because he is awesome, and Big Bird is not.

Norman from Fireman Sam
Fireman Sam is supposed to be a show about fire safety, but they need a catalyst to show you what NOT to do, and they use annoying Norman to do so. A note to Norman: Stop starting fires in your town. You are a menace to society and you are definitely not teaching my children good fire safety lessons. Hopefully they don't follow your lead.

Curious George
I threw this one in for Mr. Bee, who says he cannot watch George make these huge messes and cause so much trouble everywhere. I do agree with him, although he's so darn cute, that I can't stay mad for long.

What about you? What characters really get under your skin? Please tell me in the comments!

*oh come on, you all know me better than that! I'm kidding. Also, yes, I looked up and found the phrase Bête Noire from the thesaurus so I could look smart. It worked, right? (Don't answer that.)