100 Not Out / I Just Don't Know
Well flippin 'eck, it's my 100th post on here. And I'm just back off the plane, which could be dangerous, you know I tend to ramble a bit after one of those trips. And guess what? Remember how I talked last week about this week always being my disaster week? Yep, we are only half way through the week and it's disaster central over at Yummy Mammy towers.
So now I don't even know where to start. Should I start with the most awful phone call of my entire life whilst I was boarding the plane on Thursday? Or maybe the tears I couldn't stop flowing on Friday? Or the really bad argument I had Friday and Saturday? Or the random fainting fit I then decided to have on Saturday? Or the amount of times I've said "I just don't know," over the past few days? Or the bizarre Sunday? Or that really horrid feeling I had again at the airport today? You see, honestly, I just don't know anymore.
So first off then, might as well get the really bad one out of the way first. I'm stood in the queue at the departure gate waiting to get on the plane, phone rings. It's small child. The night before she had quite randomly come out and asked what I thought about her going to live with Batman, to give it a try. Well I suppose it has been brewing now for a while, and after last weeks incident, and his constant manipulation I guess it was only a matter of time. I told her (through gritted teeth) that if that was what she wanted then she could give it a try, but to think very carefully about it as it was a really big thing to do, and perhaps we should talk about it some more after the weekend. Yep, she agreed and asked quite a few times if I would hate her for it. I told her no, that I would never hate her, and wouldn't love her any less if she thought it was a good thing to give it a try living with Batman. Yep, it hurt, my god it hurt, but since I live in the most ridiculous country in the world that seems to think it's OK to take the word of a child so young, and it's legally accepted in court, and that Batman is the master manipulator, I wasn't about to play into anyones hands and become the big bad bitch and say no way. So off she goes to Batman's on Thursday and after a mere hour in his company she's on the phone to me, to tell me she's decided to go and live with Batman. And I'm stood in a queue to get on a plane. Very, very, difficult conversation to have at the best of times, let alone in public. I told her that we'd talk about it some more after the weekend as there was a lot of things to sort out and we would need to work out with Batman how it would all work. She was absolutely delighted. I held in all my emotion, for the next 2 hours, until I finally got to my mothers and let it out.
Perhaps not the best of frames of mind to think about anything else, but then I had Toyboy to deal with. Well he sure knows how to pick his moments doesn't he. I tell ya, my crystal ball must be working over time, because he decided to do his awkward, shy routine, again. Great friggin timing mate! Eventually I couldn't take it anymore, and although I hadn't wanted to have to do this, I ended up doing it anyway. I collared him on his own and told him what had happened and we went home. Explained that I wasn't exactly in the best of states at the moment and could kind of do with him stepping up to the mark, making the effort, not taking on my problems, but cheering me up, give me an escape from it all, make a bit of time for me, maybe even do something on our own.
"But I don't want the whole full on relationship," he repeated over and over.
"It's not a fucking full on relationship you prick! It's me asking as a friend as well as the bird you happen to be laid next to in bed right now, to just make a damn effort for the next few days, not treat me like some random shag piece, and probably the next time I'm over as well until I get things sorted a bit more and know what's going to happen. Because right now my fucking life is falling apart and sometimes I just need to think happy thoughts!" I think I said that back at him quite a few times, and various other words to that effect.
We went round in circles with this for hours. Not good. I got upset, cried, he didn't know what the hell to do, and I just got more and more annoyed because all I could think was what an unreasonable dickhead he was being. Like seriously was I asking too much?
Come Saturday morning and I could hardly bring myself to speak to him. Even after sleeping on it I was still really annoyed. I went home, met friends, discussed, and all agreed that I wasn't being unreasonable. Anyone with half an ounce of sense and decency would not have picked that moment, whilst I am narrowly avoiding having another nervous breakdown, to be an absolute shit, regardless of the relationship status.
I saw him out on Saturday night, and in my still annoyed state I could hardly bring myself to speak to him. Actually I did my best to ignore him. OK, so I did ignore him. He made a few attempts to say hello, but every time I turned away. OK, so I was rude about it. Late on and I was chatting away to one of his friends, we was actually having quite a laugh and he was stood behind us. And then he vanished and didn't return. Not sure why, haven't enquired, but I'd say he'd gotten the hint by then that I wasn't speaking to him.
I then went off to a party with his friends (and over heard a conversation with one of his friends telling someone that Toyboy was a very confused man at the moment), and I decided to have a random fainting fit, out of the blue, for no apparent reason, mid conversation. And I couldn't even blame the drink, as I'd had no more than usual and as everyone told me afterwards I was completely fine and chatting away, then said I felt quite warm and then hit the ground. Classy aren't I. So one of Toyboy's friends walked me home and gave me a big lecture about all the stress I'm under, looking after myself etc etc. Same friend also called me Sunday morning to see if I was OK and how worried they'd been about me. Bless. At least his friends have hearts.
Sunday night and I go off to meet some friends, walks in, and Toyboy is sat with my friend and her hubby chatting away. Bloody bollox! Can't escape now can I. We don't even say hello. Talk about awkward. Then a friend from the previous night appears and the conversation turns to was I OK etc. So chat goes on, me and Toyboy exchange a few comments but just general conversation stuff. Then two more of my friends arrive and first friend and her hubby leave. So there we are, us three girls and then two boys. And we ended up having a right laugh. Would you believe. It was like the old days when we all used to go out together as friends. One of my friends, who had also been there on the Saturday night said to me that she thought Toyboy was making more of an effort. But we didn't speak on our own at all, which was probably for the best as I just couldn't handle another conversation like Friday.
So the end of the night and we are all heading off, Toyboy going one way, me the other. He's about to go, he said goodbye, and then came over, gave me a kiss (on the cheek) and a huge hug. Like huge. One of those really close, really holding on hugs. It was actually really nice. God damn you Toyboy, how can I stay mad at you when you give me such nice hugs like that. Shame it was just a few days too late.
And then it's the horrid Monday and the getting on the plane thing again. Back to the even bigger pile of crap I now have to deal with.
So, points being, a)Batman should never have let small child ring me to say she wanted to go and live with him without talking to me first. I have now told him that we need to discuss it in more detail and I'm not about to go ahead with anything like that unless I have about a million and one questions answered first and about a million times more things agreed.
b) I literally do not have a damn clue what I am supposed to do about small child now. I know I should fight Batman tooth and nail, but after what the solicitor told me last week about forgetting fighting if small child keeps saying these things, then I'm also very wary of me fighting playing right into Batmans hands, him having even more ammunition to turn small child against me and having years and years more of all of this to deal with and with small child thinking that I've stopped her doing something she wanted to do. Now we all know Batman would do exactly that, so maybe it's time to be the bigger person here. I also know full well that she won't last with him and eventually the missing and needing Mammy will get the better of both of them. Maybe I should just go with it and play the waiting game. Naturally see her as much as possible while playing the waiting game, until she realises that the grass isn't greener. I have the meeting with the child psychologist coming up, so at the moment, I just don't know.
c) As for Toyboy. I can't even think about that anymore. Maybe I should apologise for maybe taking some of my frustrations out on him. But then again he behaved like a dickhead so maybe he deserved it. His friend says he's confused. Well no bloody wonder cause he says that many different things to me, acts all odd at the best of times, that I'm even more confused than ever. But I just can't think about it anymore. He needs to go off and have a damn good think and either do something about it or just stay away. Because right now, I just don't know.
d) As I'm now randomly fainting, it's another clear sign that the health isn't good. Maybe it's time to start thinking about me. After all I'm no good to anyone six feet under in a wooden box. But right now, I just don't know.
See how many times I've said, I just don't know. Far too many things that I don't know about anymore. That are all hanging in the balance, making me live in limbo land yet again.
One thing I do know is that this all has to stop. And soon. Really soon. Because I just don't know.
Is this week over yet?
So now I don't even know where to start. Should I start with the most awful phone call of my entire life whilst I was boarding the plane on Thursday? Or maybe the tears I couldn't stop flowing on Friday? Or the really bad argument I had Friday and Saturday? Or the random fainting fit I then decided to have on Saturday? Or the amount of times I've said "I just don't know," over the past few days? Or the bizarre Sunday? Or that really horrid feeling I had again at the airport today? You see, honestly, I just don't know anymore.
So first off then, might as well get the really bad one out of the way first. I'm stood in the queue at the departure gate waiting to get on the plane, phone rings. It's small child. The night before she had quite randomly come out and asked what I thought about her going to live with Batman, to give it a try. Well I suppose it has been brewing now for a while, and after last weeks incident, and his constant manipulation I guess it was only a matter of time. I told her (through gritted teeth) that if that was what she wanted then she could give it a try, but to think very carefully about it as it was a really big thing to do, and perhaps we should talk about it some more after the weekend. Yep, she agreed and asked quite a few times if I would hate her for it. I told her no, that I would never hate her, and wouldn't love her any less if she thought it was a good thing to give it a try living with Batman. Yep, it hurt, my god it hurt, but since I live in the most ridiculous country in the world that seems to think it's OK to take the word of a child so young, and it's legally accepted in court, and that Batman is the master manipulator, I wasn't about to play into anyones hands and become the big bad bitch and say no way. So off she goes to Batman's on Thursday and after a mere hour in his company she's on the phone to me, to tell me she's decided to go and live with Batman. And I'm stood in a queue to get on a plane. Very, very, difficult conversation to have at the best of times, let alone in public. I told her that we'd talk about it some more after the weekend as there was a lot of things to sort out and we would need to work out with Batman how it would all work. She was absolutely delighted. I held in all my emotion, for the next 2 hours, until I finally got to my mothers and let it out.
Perhaps not the best of frames of mind to think about anything else, but then I had Toyboy to deal with. Well he sure knows how to pick his moments doesn't he. I tell ya, my crystal ball must be working over time, because he decided to do his awkward, shy routine, again. Great friggin timing mate! Eventually I couldn't take it anymore, and although I hadn't wanted to have to do this, I ended up doing it anyway. I collared him on his own and told him what had happened and we went home. Explained that I wasn't exactly in the best of states at the moment and could kind of do with him stepping up to the mark, making the effort, not taking on my problems, but cheering me up, give me an escape from it all, make a bit of time for me, maybe even do something on our own.
"But I don't want the whole full on relationship," he repeated over and over.
"It's not a fucking full on relationship you prick! It's me asking as a friend as well as the bird you happen to be laid next to in bed right now, to just make a damn effort for the next few days, not treat me like some random shag piece, and probably the next time I'm over as well until I get things sorted a bit more and know what's going to happen. Because right now my fucking life is falling apart and sometimes I just need to think happy thoughts!" I think I said that back at him quite a few times, and various other words to that effect.
We went round in circles with this for hours. Not good. I got upset, cried, he didn't know what the hell to do, and I just got more and more annoyed because all I could think was what an unreasonable dickhead he was being. Like seriously was I asking too much?
Come Saturday morning and I could hardly bring myself to speak to him. Even after sleeping on it I was still really annoyed. I went home, met friends, discussed, and all agreed that I wasn't being unreasonable. Anyone with half an ounce of sense and decency would not have picked that moment, whilst I am narrowly avoiding having another nervous breakdown, to be an absolute shit, regardless of the relationship status.
I saw him out on Saturday night, and in my still annoyed state I could hardly bring myself to speak to him. Actually I did my best to ignore him. OK, so I did ignore him. He made a few attempts to say hello, but every time I turned away. OK, so I was rude about it. Late on and I was chatting away to one of his friends, we was actually having quite a laugh and he was stood behind us. And then he vanished and didn't return. Not sure why, haven't enquired, but I'd say he'd gotten the hint by then that I wasn't speaking to him.
I then went off to a party with his friends (and over heard a conversation with one of his friends telling someone that Toyboy was a very confused man at the moment), and I decided to have a random fainting fit, out of the blue, for no apparent reason, mid conversation. And I couldn't even blame the drink, as I'd had no more than usual and as everyone told me afterwards I was completely fine and chatting away, then said I felt quite warm and then hit the ground. Classy aren't I. So one of Toyboy's friends walked me home and gave me a big lecture about all the stress I'm under, looking after myself etc etc. Same friend also called me Sunday morning to see if I was OK and how worried they'd been about me. Bless. At least his friends have hearts.
Sunday night and I go off to meet some friends, walks in, and Toyboy is sat with my friend and her hubby chatting away. Bloody bollox! Can't escape now can I. We don't even say hello. Talk about awkward. Then a friend from the previous night appears and the conversation turns to was I OK etc. So chat goes on, me and Toyboy exchange a few comments but just general conversation stuff. Then two more of my friends arrive and first friend and her hubby leave. So there we are, us three girls and then two boys. And we ended up having a right laugh. Would you believe. It was like the old days when we all used to go out together as friends. One of my friends, who had also been there on the Saturday night said to me that she thought Toyboy was making more of an effort. But we didn't speak on our own at all, which was probably for the best as I just couldn't handle another conversation like Friday.
So the end of the night and we are all heading off, Toyboy going one way, me the other. He's about to go, he said goodbye, and then came over, gave me a kiss (on the cheek) and a huge hug. Like huge. One of those really close, really holding on hugs. It was actually really nice. God damn you Toyboy, how can I stay mad at you when you give me such nice hugs like that. Shame it was just a few days too late.
And then it's the horrid Monday and the getting on the plane thing again. Back to the even bigger pile of crap I now have to deal with.
So, points being, a)Batman should never have let small child ring me to say she wanted to go and live with him without talking to me first. I have now told him that we need to discuss it in more detail and I'm not about to go ahead with anything like that unless I have about a million and one questions answered first and about a million times more things agreed.
b) I literally do not have a damn clue what I am supposed to do about small child now. I know I should fight Batman tooth and nail, but after what the solicitor told me last week about forgetting fighting if small child keeps saying these things, then I'm also very wary of me fighting playing right into Batmans hands, him having even more ammunition to turn small child against me and having years and years more of all of this to deal with and with small child thinking that I've stopped her doing something she wanted to do. Now we all know Batman would do exactly that, so maybe it's time to be the bigger person here. I also know full well that she won't last with him and eventually the missing and needing Mammy will get the better of both of them. Maybe I should just go with it and play the waiting game. Naturally see her as much as possible while playing the waiting game, until she realises that the grass isn't greener. I have the meeting with the child psychologist coming up, so at the moment, I just don't know.
c) As for Toyboy. I can't even think about that anymore. Maybe I should apologise for maybe taking some of my frustrations out on him. But then again he behaved like a dickhead so maybe he deserved it. His friend says he's confused. Well no bloody wonder cause he says that many different things to me, acts all odd at the best of times, that I'm even more confused than ever. But I just can't think about it anymore. He needs to go off and have a damn good think and either do something about it or just stay away. Because right now, I just don't know.
d) As I'm now randomly fainting, it's another clear sign that the health isn't good. Maybe it's time to start thinking about me. After all I'm no good to anyone six feet under in a wooden box. But right now, I just don't know.
See how many times I've said, I just don't know. Far too many things that I don't know about anymore. That are all hanging in the balance, making me live in limbo land yet again.
One thing I do know is that this all has to stop. And soon. Really soon. Because I just don't know.
Is this week over yet?
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