Gambling on Red

If you went in a casino with your life savings and the deeds to your house in your pocket, would you stick it all on red? Would you gamble everything on the spin of a wheel?

I think most of us would probably say no to that one. But surely, for most of us, a lot of the decisions we make in life are a bit of a gamble. After all, none of us have a time machine to be able to see how our gambles are going to pay off. And isn't that what we learn in life? If we make a mistake, as most of us do at some point, we learn to dust ourselves down, pick ourselves up and either get along with the hand we have been dealt or burn the cards and start all over again.

I guess that is what I am doing right now. I'm currently sat here with boxes and bags everywhere. I'm pretty much living in chaos. Clothes no longer go back in the wardrobe. They go into piles, what I will need soon after landing and what can wait. I've stopped stocking the fridge and freezer and now just buy as I go for what I need there and then. Small child no longer has a bedroom as the walls needed painting (5 years of scribbles on walls and pink paint has taken its toll), the furniture needed dismantling, so that's all done and the once pretty girly bedroom is now a big white empty room used for storing packed things. I am now dismantling our life here, ready to start a new life. The life I have fought so long and so hard for now feels like an enormous gamble.

So why?

I suppose it's not really so much a gamble, but with so many new things about to happen I guess at some point it was always going to become slightly daunting. Oh forgot to say, sorry, I got the job! Great news, and one less thing to worry about. Although it is a worry as it's all new and starting a new job is always a little scary at first, especially as I'm not leaving my old job because I don't like it or anything like that. And then there's the new house. Suddenly I'm quite scared of leaving my house here and living in a new one, in a new place, with new neighbours and everything else that goes with moving into a new home. But I suppose it's not all bad given that I'm moving to an area I already know so I just have to get used to a new house and living in a little bit of chaos for a while.

And you know what else scares me? Toyboy.

Now why on earth should a young fella like that scare me? It's not so much that he scares me, it's the what if. You see everything has changed now hasn't it? Back a couple of months ago when we first started out, life was a little bit bleak for me and everything was covered with uncertainty. Now it's not. Now, in two weeks time, I'm going to be living there, and very close by to him. No longer will there be time constraints or me dashing off to catch flights, or fretting that I haven't seen him as much as I would have liked on that particular visit. Work getting in the way won't be an issue anymore and for the first couple of months, me having to juggle a child as well isn't going to be an issue. In fact, there aren't going to be any issues anymore. I'm just going to be a normal single girl living in the same place. And I'm terrified. It's the fear of rejection I guess.

Now this is the bit where I don't mean to blow my own trumpet, but I guess I am in a way. See, I quite literally am beating them off with a stick. But, problem being, the ones I'm beating off with a stick, now don't get me wrong, most are pretty damn tasty and fine bits of stuff, but I know it wouldn't last past 8am the next day.

Toyboy is different. You see I have this problem that I know I'm hard work. I know, that if I'm with a bloke that worships the ground I walk on, then chances are I'm going to walk all over him. I don't mean to be like that, I just hate that feeling of being suffocated or knowing that I have that power over someone to have them at my beck and call. I'm a free bird that likes to fly and spread my wings. I need a man that isn't afraid to stand up to me and tell me no when I need to be told. That won't mind or bat an eyelid when I want to paint the town red with the girls or have a nervous breakdown when I present fish fingers for dinner because I simply can't be arsed to do anything else or because I spent the shopping budget for a month on a pair of Rock and Republic jeans and it's Tesco's value brand noodles every day till payday.

You see I can pretty much label all my previous blokes into three quite simple categories. They either suffocate me and love me too much or they want to control me and then there are the ones that use me and cheat on me. So we have the suffocaters, the controllers or the cheaters. Toyboy doesn't fit into any of those categories. He certainly isn't a suffocater, and he can barely control himself let alone anyone else, and as for cheating, absolutely not. So what label does that leave him with?

I look at Toyboy and see someone I could actually have a great time with, that I can just get on with it all with and just see what happens and where life takes us. But since everything changed and my life took this new direction, I don't actually know what he thinks about it all or how he sees things now. And I suppose I'm scared of having to have that conversation with him or even wait and find out what's going to happen next. It's that fear that he may turn round and say, nope, sorry pet, not what I want. And then I still have to see him around, like all the time, for the foreseeable future at least.

I don't actually know if I will have the conversation or not, or just wait and see what does happen. I'm over there again this weekend, I dare say I'll see him even without making any arrangements, and maybe that's how I should leave it all. Just let nature takes its course. But isn't that placing an angle of uncertainty in my now nearly sorted life? When surely I should be making this move forward and everything be a clean, fresh start?

Or maybe, just maybe, I should take a leap of faith and believe that if I lead he will follow. Remain aloof, unaffected and just get on with my life. I'm a great believer of body language and I know that a lot of the time what comes out of Toyboys mouth isn't what his body language is showing. Maybe I should believe in my instincts on Toyboy, take a step back and wait for him to follow. And if someone else gets there before him, then that's just life, and his loss.

Or maybe I should gamble it all on red, take a chance and just tell him.

We already established that you wouldn't place your life savings on red, so would you put your heart on red knowing that it's a straight forward 50/50 that it might come up black?