Heart Broke - Part 2 / Save One Mammy
I'd already wrote this post once and was quite happy with it. But then something happened and I decided to re-write it.
So anyway, hello and welcome to any new readers who have found me via the Save One Mammy Campaign. If you don't already know, then I'm Yummy Mammy and this campaign is all about me. So what are you reading to save? OK, this is where it gets very technical and legal, and obviously for legal reasons there are some details I can't disclose here, so you may need to fill your own blanks in now and again and rely on the comments of the regular posters when I say the situation is truly crap.
I'm not from Ireland (don't be too shocked but I'm actually English) but ended up here because I did the dutiful wife thing and followed my then husband back to Ireland so he could take up his dream job and make a fortune (*note* still waiting for the fortune to happen and the job is shite). Anyway at that time small child was nearly 3 and it didn't take long for us to split up once we got here. For 5 years I have put up with being a single parent, a long way from home, having no help or support and basically doing everything on my own. My ex (who we call Batman) has done nothing but fight me on everything every single step of the way and in the process made my life a living hell. So a year ago I'd had enough and decided it was time to go home back to England. Just 135 miles away, door to door. I came up with a detailed plan of how Batman's access would work and with the help of my family and friends we where all willing to bend over backwards to aid Batman to see small child as much as possible, both financially and practically.
Batman said no. We ended up in court. Now there is this damn law called the Hague Convention. It's a right royal pain in the arse. The law is supposed to protect against unlawful abduction, however it also prevents people like me returning to their homelands, regardless of the sheer crap they have to deal with. More and more cases are being brought before the courts worldwide for permission to be given to leave the country and in most cases so long as the child's welfare is provided for and proper access is arranged for the left behind parent, then permission is usually granted. It all refers to a case called Payne v Payne, and one of the points of this case was that if a person was applying to return to their homeland then the judging standards should be significantly lowered.
Well that's all a bit of a laugh really because it took me nearly a year to bring the case to court, only for none of these so called judging standards to be applied. I was refused permission to go home and take small child with me. I immediately appealed to the High Courts, then we hit a rock. It was looking like costing €100,000 to go to the High Courts. Money I simply do not have or could not hope to get my hands on. So I cut my work so that I could qualify for legal aid. And last week had one more go at talking sense to Batman. He wasn't for budging.
Right, this is where I had to re-write the post. Hope you have your tissues at the ready.
Small child had been on holiday with Batman and returned on Sunday night. Putting her to bed she suddenly announced that she wanted to go and live in England and was going to tell her Dad. She said she was going to call him over and we could have a meeting, the 3 of us and sort it out and all the fighting could stop and Mammy and Daddy could be friends again. Just for the record, I have done my best to shield her from it all but during the welfare assessments for the courts a stupid psychologist asked her out right if she wanted to move. Cat out the bag there.
To say I nearly fell off the edge of the bed was an understatement. I asked her over and over if this was what she really wanted and she was absolutely adamant that she did. And I can honestly say she seemed genuinely happy about it. I asked her if she was telling lies and she told me it was the truth and what she wanted.
Day after and it's back to school day. She comes out of school extremely happy and the first thing she tells me is that she's going to ring her Dad when she gets home to arrange this meeting. Which she does. He questions her a bit but she stands firm and says that she wants the 3 of us to sit down together. I suggest to her that she writes down the points she wants to say so that she doesn't get flustered or forget things. She decided to write him a letter, does it all herself and is rather delighted with herself and even rings my Mum and Dad to tell them she's done it.
Next day and as agreed in previous court hearings, as the school is bloody miles away and he won't let me move her to the local school here, then he's doing the school run. He arrives and takes her off to school. Half an hour later I gets an angry text from Batman saying that I have bullied and manipulated small child and devastated her and she doesn't want to live in England at all! I told him that the only person manipulating was him and she was absolutely fine until he got in her ear. I collected small child from school and she tells me that the meeting is off and she'd lied to me about it all.
Fuming!!!! Not only am I angry that small child has lied but it also then transpires that she told Batman that I forced her to write that letter to him and forced her to say all those things and to arrange the meeting.
I told her that she had to tell the people she'd lied to, including her Nanna and Grandad and also Batman. She did. My Mum was shocked as even she said there was a huge difference in her when she'd told her that she wanted to move and how happy about it she seemed. Batman was a different story. He said he didn't believe her that she'd lied and was all sympathetic towards her. I got on the phone to him and he said that she'd told him that she hates me, how I'd forced her into saying it all and not only that but how she wants to go and live with him! This is the child that told all the welfare assessors for the courts how she wanted to stay living with me.
In my fury I asked small child if she'd told Batman that - and she said she had, but she didn't mean it and she only said it to him because if she doesn't say bad things about Mammy then he won't pay her any attention or speak to her. Naturally he denies this.
I got off the phone and was physically sick and went to bed and there I remained until this morning. I had a stinking migraine and was that annoyed I couldn't face speaking to small child anymore. Her Granddad (Batman's Dad) arrived to do the school run yesterday and I asked him if he'd collect her from school also. He said he would and give her some dinner and then bring her home. He didn't. Instead after school he took her to Batman, she rang me and asked if she could stay there last night. I agreed. Well of course she wanted to stay there, he was heaping praise on her for lying (saying he didn't believe that she was lying).
I wasn't well at all yesterday and my poor mother rang me about 10 times as she was so concerned about me. She even offered to get on the next flight over. I told her not to as I'm going there next week and I just needed some peace. She was as shocked as me that small child would lie so much and said it showed the level of manipulation Batman had over her. I have to agree. My dear small child is slowly being turned against me, and she's playing us off against each other and he's playing right into her hands, and visa versa, she's playing right into his hands.
So today, and it just gets worse. I spoke with the legals. Not good. They said that so long as small child carries on doing this and saying stuff like that to Batman then there is absolutely no point in going back to court, to the extent that the legal aid are now wary of taking on the case as it lacks merit and is likely to fail and I will get hit for Batman's costs, likely to be in the €100K region!!!
Batman in his false "concern" for small child isn't worried about all her lying at all, but is more concerned about the manipulation and bullying I am doing and has booked us a mediation session with a child psychologist for in a few weeks. I told him fine, and we can sort out once and for all who she is lying to, where she actually does want to live and who with.
I also went to the doctors again today, as yesterdays migraine was far worse than previous. The doctor said quite simply, lose the stress in your life or face the prospect of losing your own life.
Clear and stark warning I think to sort this out once and for all.
So now the options have kind of changed. The campaign I suppose has kind of changed. Yes it is still about raising awareness as I dare say there are thousands of mothers out there in the same situation and find it very hard to find avenues of support (like I have done, thank god for Yummy Mammy and her legions of loyal supporters!). It's also about raising the awareness of emotional abuse, because lets face it, that is exactly what Batman is doing, and it's also about something called Parental Alienation. Now I'm not going to start going into the ins and outs of that on here as I'll be here all night if I do, but it's basically where one parent attempts to turn the child against the other parent, usually involved in bitter custody battles (did I mention that Batman has tried and failed to get custody 3 times now). It is a form of psychological abuse, recognised and widely published about in America, but not a hope of getting it recognised here in Ireland. The UK are just starting to grasp it but it's still a long way of becoming a criminal offence. Forgot to say, Batman knows how sick I have been getting and said on the phone to me that he doesn't care and will carry on until he gets rid of me one way or another. Nice guy yea?
At present my options are this;
1. Carry on down the court road, but given the way small child is, that could see me on the road to losing and financial ruin and still stuck here.
2. Go for this mediation session, if small child says she wants to go and live with him then let her, I move back to England, and wait for it all to blow up in Batman's face. Because small child may think the grass is greener, it'll be a different story when she's with him every day and she realises that she only sees her Mammy every now and then because Daddy drove her away. Now I don't take this option lightly and I know it would be hard, but I also know my own child, and I know it wouldn't last. None of them can keep this facade up for long. It's easy when it's confined to access days. Lets see how long they can do it for when it's every day.
3. Give up, stay here, let Batman carry on this abuse towards me and as my doctor said, face losing my own life (and in all honesty I can feel it myself and god only knows how long my poor little already fragile body can hold out, let alone my mind). At which point I would lose small child anyway as I wouldn't be fit to look after her.
4. Do a runner, which would be going against all legal advice, take my chances being brought before a UK court, but if small child doesn't speak out and tell the truth then I'm up shit creek again, and will get ordered back to Ireland and probably face losing small child again.
5. Ummmmm Can't think of a number 5, so hence I'll ask you lot. Anybody any ideas? Anybody got a spare €100K they can throw in my direction? Oh and a new body wouldn't go a miss that isn't sick all the time. And a fool proof way of stopping small child being manipulated by Batman, oh and a way of stopping Batman doing all this.
You see the problem is that the rest of the EU seems to get with the programme and realises that since they opened up the boarders people have migrated, married outside of their own nationality and race and thus produced children. However with divorce rates on the increase there are going to be times when such marriages break down and people are going to want to return to their homelands. Thus the presidence was set down in the Payne v Payne case for such occurrences. However Ireland doesn't seem to get with this programme, and during the boom years it was quite happy for the rest of Europe to up sticks and move here to support the ever increasing economy. Now the boom years have gone and anyone that knows their global finances well enough knows that Ireland is well on it's way to bust. Boasting one of the biggest failing economies in Europe, coupled with Dublin being one of the most expensive cities in the world, tumbling house prices but the cost of living spiraling out of control, and lets not forget a government that is increases taxes, cutting benefits and can't afford to keep it's own people let alone the flood of migrants it now houses.
On top of all that Ireland has one of the worst family court systems in Europe, that has been highlighted in many reports, some of the highest legal fees worldwide, and a justice system that seems to only benefit the rich. It also is still quite a way behind in ensuring equal rights for women, in so much that in a recent survey of top level directors and management, Ireland had one of the lowest percentages in Europe of women working at the highest level. For many in Ireland, the view that a woman's place in firmly in the home, is still rife.
Yummy Mammy does not fit into this environment. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no feminist and I'm not about to start burning my bra, but I do believe that everyone has the right to equal rights and treatment. I know, first hand that I have not been treated fairly by the courts and when I have gone looking for help be it legal and practical help for the abuse I have suffered at the hands of Batman, help has not been forthcoming, well unless I pay top dollar for it that is or are prepared to go on a never ending waiting list, or live off absolutely no money at all to qualify fo free things, that yet again you go on a never ending waiting list for. The trouble is, I need help now, not next month or next year, but now.
So in spreading the word and reaching out to the world at large I am asking if there is anyone out there that can help. Surely there has to be an answer to all of this, or am I expected to live my life going round in these circles of crap forever? Not be able to discipline my own child because Batman will always be there telling small child how bad Mammy is for doing it. Have to put up with the constant abuse from Batman and the constant lies he tells. Not be able to build a life for myself because Batman will always be there causing hassle and no end of grief and ready to tear it apart at any given moment, and as for re-marrying or having more children. Forget it. How can I ever do that while I am here, because quite frankly I am petrified of ending up in the same situation all over again.
For anyone that has read this far, thank you, but please spread the word far and wide and re-tweet as much as possible and hope to dear god that somebody somewhere has the answer, because right now I have run out of answers, my energy levels have gone and my will to fight is slowly going. Now in saying my will to fight is going doesn't mean that I'm about to give up, it's just that I don't know what way to fight anymore. Every route I take I seem to hit a brick wall. My head now hurts too much from banging it against that brick wall.
HELP!!!!!!!
So anyway, hello and welcome to any new readers who have found me via the Save One Mammy Campaign. If you don't already know, then I'm Yummy Mammy and this campaign is all about me. So what are you reading to save? OK, this is where it gets very technical and legal, and obviously for legal reasons there are some details I can't disclose here, so you may need to fill your own blanks in now and again and rely on the comments of the regular posters when I say the situation is truly crap.
I'm not from Ireland (don't be too shocked but I'm actually English) but ended up here because I did the dutiful wife thing and followed my then husband back to Ireland so he could take up his dream job and make a fortune (*note* still waiting for the fortune to happen and the job is shite). Anyway at that time small child was nearly 3 and it didn't take long for us to split up once we got here. For 5 years I have put up with being a single parent, a long way from home, having no help or support and basically doing everything on my own. My ex (who we call Batman) has done nothing but fight me on everything every single step of the way and in the process made my life a living hell. So a year ago I'd had enough and decided it was time to go home back to England. Just 135 miles away, door to door. I came up with a detailed plan of how Batman's access would work and with the help of my family and friends we where all willing to bend over backwards to aid Batman to see small child as much as possible, both financially and practically.
Batman said no. We ended up in court. Now there is this damn law called the Hague Convention. It's a right royal pain in the arse. The law is supposed to protect against unlawful abduction, however it also prevents people like me returning to their homelands, regardless of the sheer crap they have to deal with. More and more cases are being brought before the courts worldwide for permission to be given to leave the country and in most cases so long as the child's welfare is provided for and proper access is arranged for the left behind parent, then permission is usually granted. It all refers to a case called Payne v Payne, and one of the points of this case was that if a person was applying to return to their homeland then the judging standards should be significantly lowered.
Well that's all a bit of a laugh really because it took me nearly a year to bring the case to court, only for none of these so called judging standards to be applied. I was refused permission to go home and take small child with me. I immediately appealed to the High Courts, then we hit a rock. It was looking like costing €100,000 to go to the High Courts. Money I simply do not have or could not hope to get my hands on. So I cut my work so that I could qualify for legal aid. And last week had one more go at talking sense to Batman. He wasn't for budging.
Right, this is where I had to re-write the post. Hope you have your tissues at the ready.
Small child had been on holiday with Batman and returned on Sunday night. Putting her to bed she suddenly announced that she wanted to go and live in England and was going to tell her Dad. She said she was going to call him over and we could have a meeting, the 3 of us and sort it out and all the fighting could stop and Mammy and Daddy could be friends again. Just for the record, I have done my best to shield her from it all but during the welfare assessments for the courts a stupid psychologist asked her out right if she wanted to move. Cat out the bag there.
To say I nearly fell off the edge of the bed was an understatement. I asked her over and over if this was what she really wanted and she was absolutely adamant that she did. And I can honestly say she seemed genuinely happy about it. I asked her if she was telling lies and she told me it was the truth and what she wanted.
Day after and it's back to school day. She comes out of school extremely happy and the first thing she tells me is that she's going to ring her Dad when she gets home to arrange this meeting. Which she does. He questions her a bit but she stands firm and says that she wants the 3 of us to sit down together. I suggest to her that she writes down the points she wants to say so that she doesn't get flustered or forget things. She decided to write him a letter, does it all herself and is rather delighted with herself and even rings my Mum and Dad to tell them she's done it.
Next day and as agreed in previous court hearings, as the school is bloody miles away and he won't let me move her to the local school here, then he's doing the school run. He arrives and takes her off to school. Half an hour later I gets an angry text from Batman saying that I have bullied and manipulated small child and devastated her and she doesn't want to live in England at all! I told him that the only person manipulating was him and she was absolutely fine until he got in her ear. I collected small child from school and she tells me that the meeting is off and she'd lied to me about it all.
Fuming!!!! Not only am I angry that small child has lied but it also then transpires that she told Batman that I forced her to write that letter to him and forced her to say all those things and to arrange the meeting.
I told her that she had to tell the people she'd lied to, including her Nanna and Grandad and also Batman. She did. My Mum was shocked as even she said there was a huge difference in her when she'd told her that she wanted to move and how happy about it she seemed. Batman was a different story. He said he didn't believe her that she'd lied and was all sympathetic towards her. I got on the phone to him and he said that she'd told him that she hates me, how I'd forced her into saying it all and not only that but how she wants to go and live with him! This is the child that told all the welfare assessors for the courts how she wanted to stay living with me.
In my fury I asked small child if she'd told Batman that - and she said she had, but she didn't mean it and she only said it to him because if she doesn't say bad things about Mammy then he won't pay her any attention or speak to her. Naturally he denies this.
I got off the phone and was physically sick and went to bed and there I remained until this morning. I had a stinking migraine and was that annoyed I couldn't face speaking to small child anymore. Her Granddad (Batman's Dad) arrived to do the school run yesterday and I asked him if he'd collect her from school also. He said he would and give her some dinner and then bring her home. He didn't. Instead after school he took her to Batman, she rang me and asked if she could stay there last night. I agreed. Well of course she wanted to stay there, he was heaping praise on her for lying (saying he didn't believe that she was lying).
I wasn't well at all yesterday and my poor mother rang me about 10 times as she was so concerned about me. She even offered to get on the next flight over. I told her not to as I'm going there next week and I just needed some peace. She was as shocked as me that small child would lie so much and said it showed the level of manipulation Batman had over her. I have to agree. My dear small child is slowly being turned against me, and she's playing us off against each other and he's playing right into her hands, and visa versa, she's playing right into his hands.
So today, and it just gets worse. I spoke with the legals. Not good. They said that so long as small child carries on doing this and saying stuff like that to Batman then there is absolutely no point in going back to court, to the extent that the legal aid are now wary of taking on the case as it lacks merit and is likely to fail and I will get hit for Batman's costs, likely to be in the €100K region!!!
Batman in his false "concern" for small child isn't worried about all her lying at all, but is more concerned about the manipulation and bullying I am doing and has booked us a mediation session with a child psychologist for in a few weeks. I told him fine, and we can sort out once and for all who she is lying to, where she actually does want to live and who with.
I also went to the doctors again today, as yesterdays migraine was far worse than previous. The doctor said quite simply, lose the stress in your life or face the prospect of losing your own life.
Clear and stark warning I think to sort this out once and for all.
So now the options have kind of changed. The campaign I suppose has kind of changed. Yes it is still about raising awareness as I dare say there are thousands of mothers out there in the same situation and find it very hard to find avenues of support (like I have done, thank god for Yummy Mammy and her legions of loyal supporters!). It's also about raising the awareness of emotional abuse, because lets face it, that is exactly what Batman is doing, and it's also about something called Parental Alienation. Now I'm not going to start going into the ins and outs of that on here as I'll be here all night if I do, but it's basically where one parent attempts to turn the child against the other parent, usually involved in bitter custody battles (did I mention that Batman has tried and failed to get custody 3 times now). It is a form of psychological abuse, recognised and widely published about in America, but not a hope of getting it recognised here in Ireland. The UK are just starting to grasp it but it's still a long way of becoming a criminal offence. Forgot to say, Batman knows how sick I have been getting and said on the phone to me that he doesn't care and will carry on until he gets rid of me one way or another. Nice guy yea?
At present my options are this;
1. Carry on down the court road, but given the way small child is, that could see me on the road to losing and financial ruin and still stuck here.
2. Go for this mediation session, if small child says she wants to go and live with him then let her, I move back to England, and wait for it all to blow up in Batman's face. Because small child may think the grass is greener, it'll be a different story when she's with him every day and she realises that she only sees her Mammy every now and then because Daddy drove her away. Now I don't take this option lightly and I know it would be hard, but I also know my own child, and I know it wouldn't last. None of them can keep this facade up for long. It's easy when it's confined to access days. Lets see how long they can do it for when it's every day.
3. Give up, stay here, let Batman carry on this abuse towards me and as my doctor said, face losing my own life (and in all honesty I can feel it myself and god only knows how long my poor little already fragile body can hold out, let alone my mind). At which point I would lose small child anyway as I wouldn't be fit to look after her.
4. Do a runner, which would be going against all legal advice, take my chances being brought before a UK court, but if small child doesn't speak out and tell the truth then I'm up shit creek again, and will get ordered back to Ireland and probably face losing small child again.
5. Ummmmm Can't think of a number 5, so hence I'll ask you lot. Anybody any ideas? Anybody got a spare €100K they can throw in my direction? Oh and a new body wouldn't go a miss that isn't sick all the time. And a fool proof way of stopping small child being manipulated by Batman, oh and a way of stopping Batman doing all this.
You see the problem is that the rest of the EU seems to get with the programme and realises that since they opened up the boarders people have migrated, married outside of their own nationality and race and thus produced children. However with divorce rates on the increase there are going to be times when such marriages break down and people are going to want to return to their homelands. Thus the presidence was set down in the Payne v Payne case for such occurrences. However Ireland doesn't seem to get with this programme, and during the boom years it was quite happy for the rest of Europe to up sticks and move here to support the ever increasing economy. Now the boom years have gone and anyone that knows their global finances well enough knows that Ireland is well on it's way to bust. Boasting one of the biggest failing economies in Europe, coupled with Dublin being one of the most expensive cities in the world, tumbling house prices but the cost of living spiraling out of control, and lets not forget a government that is increases taxes, cutting benefits and can't afford to keep it's own people let alone the flood of migrants it now houses.
On top of all that Ireland has one of the worst family court systems in Europe, that has been highlighted in many reports, some of the highest legal fees worldwide, and a justice system that seems to only benefit the rich. It also is still quite a way behind in ensuring equal rights for women, in so much that in a recent survey of top level directors and management, Ireland had one of the lowest percentages in Europe of women working at the highest level. For many in Ireland, the view that a woman's place in firmly in the home, is still rife.
Yummy Mammy does not fit into this environment. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no feminist and I'm not about to start burning my bra, but I do believe that everyone has the right to equal rights and treatment. I know, first hand that I have not been treated fairly by the courts and when I have gone looking for help be it legal and practical help for the abuse I have suffered at the hands of Batman, help has not been forthcoming, well unless I pay top dollar for it that is or are prepared to go on a never ending waiting list, or live off absolutely no money at all to qualify fo free things, that yet again you go on a never ending waiting list for. The trouble is, I need help now, not next month or next year, but now.
So in spreading the word and reaching out to the world at large I am asking if there is anyone out there that can help. Surely there has to be an answer to all of this, or am I expected to live my life going round in these circles of crap forever? Not be able to discipline my own child because Batman will always be there telling small child how bad Mammy is for doing it. Have to put up with the constant abuse from Batman and the constant lies he tells. Not be able to build a life for myself because Batman will always be there causing hassle and no end of grief and ready to tear it apart at any given moment, and as for re-marrying or having more children. Forget it. How can I ever do that while I am here, because quite frankly I am petrified of ending up in the same situation all over again.
For anyone that has read this far, thank you, but please spread the word far and wide and re-tweet as much as possible and hope to dear god that somebody somewhere has the answer, because right now I have run out of answers, my energy levels have gone and my will to fight is slowly going. Now in saying my will to fight is going doesn't mean that I'm about to give up, it's just that I don't know what way to fight anymore. Every route I take I seem to hit a brick wall. My head now hurts too much from banging it against that brick wall.
HELP!!!!!!!
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