I'm Still Here....

I'm still here...I'm still here?...I'm still here! It's all in the way you say it, think it, feel it.
I'm pushing 60 hard, it's only a few turns on the wheel away and funny thing is, I really never thought of being there...how odd.

My thoughts were never of what would happen when I got old; the kids left home; I was a grandmom; losing my parents or husband...it just didn't seem like it would ever happen. It never occurred to me that time would run out, years would turn into months. The sands of time would start moving through the hourglass faster and faster, like multi-colored water. I never wondered about my mortality except maybe as a fleeting afterthought.

I sit here writing my thoughts down as they come to me, and listen as my husband coughs and struggles to catch his breath, and my only thought is...How long do I have till he is gone forever?
We have nothing planned for that, we don't talk about it, the elephant that sits in the middle of his world and mine, is avoided at all costs...walk around it, ignore it, don't worry about it till it takes a dump in the middle of your lap? Yes as usual, I'll be left to clean up the mess, and listen to the wagging tongues of my children, blaming me for letting it happen. The fact that he has a mind of his own and a stubborn will to ignore the obvious, is not to blame...we must ignore the unplesant, and it will go away after all... If I speak of it, or say no, I'm just borrowing trouble.

Yes, I'm a durned fool for thinking that things should stay the same, be predictable, or at least being able to see them coming so I have a chance to side-step the heartbreak. It would be easy if I could just accept that things change, people change, hearts and minds change, all things turn to dust....I just don't want to watch it happen! I want to fight it, wave the red flags. Stay on the right path I scream...but no one is listening, and they resent me for disturbing thier oblivious lives with my concerns or rebukes.

I've seen death hovering around my small world lately, and I want to scream go away! Why do you bother with us? I don't want you in my life! I'm not ready yet! Death of dreams, love, family, heart. No, I'm not ready yet....but, I'm still here! Yes, I'm still here...