Making Children Say “I’m Sorry” Is it the Right Thing to Do?

Have you ever asked or demanded that your child say “sorry” to another child? When intervening in this type of scenario, parents report feeling like they are being too pushy and often feel uncomfortable. There is a good reason why parents may feel confused about making this request of their child.

Children usually are not sorry when they do something wrong. When an adult makes a child say,” I’m sorry” they are asking the child to be insincere.

We want children’s words to match their intentions; therefore we should never ask a child to say, “I’m sorry” to someone, because typically they are not.

If a child chooses to say, “I’m sorry” on her own, then that is different.

Telling children to do something that they don’t feel is a form of insincerity. And remember, we don’t want a power-over type of relationship, we want a power-with.

When your child does something that you feel warrants an apology, you, the adult can apologize. This doesn’t mean that you let your child off the hook for the misdeed.

Talk with your child about what happened and how they can do things differently next time. Ask them how the other child may have felt by the situation. Let them know you are always there to help. Teach empathy by practicing empathy.

Parents and children are a team working together to find their way through the life-long shared learning process :-)

****************
Kimberley Clayton Blaine is a national parenting expert and a licensed Family and Child Therapist who specializes in working with children ages newborn to six years old. Kimberley is the founder and executive producer of a grassroots webshow, called www.TheGoToMom.TV. Kimberley is a national speaker and teaches Early Childhood Brain Development and Positive Discipline Strategies at UCLA Extension Education Department.

Read Kimberley’s new book, Mommy Confidence: 8 Easy Steps to Reclaiming Balance, Motivation an...

Tags: blaine, go, i'm, kimberley, mom, saying, sorry, the, tmfc, tmparenting

Comment

You need to be a member of twitter moms: the influential moms network to add comments!

Join twitter moms: the influential moms network

Comment by Tee Wilson on March 10, 2009 at 2:39pm: While I understand Kimberly and Julia's perspective on this, I tend to lean more toward Jenn's opinion. There are going to be many experiences in our kid's lives where they will have to make the right choice and do the right thing even if its not what they would "prefer" to do in that moment. As Jenn said, there will be many things that we may not FEEL like doing, that we still have the responsibility and obligation to do.

Honestly, I think in our efforts to avoid having our children do something that is insincere, we can cause them to be more insincere. What I mean is, many times, when we don't FEEL like doing something, that feeling is not coming from a SINCERE place at all - it is coming from PRIDE, EGO, STUBBORNESS, SELFISHNESS - and no one is immune to those traits - not even our precious kids! :) When it comes to raising my son, my goal is to teach him how to OVERCOME those things - I try to teach him not to allow his ego, pride or stubborness to get in the way of what he knows deep down is the right thing to do. Whether it is an accident or an intentional act, if you do something to harm someone else you should swallow your pride and apologize. The people that are able to do that, are the most sincere people.

Being genuine and sincere is not always the most comfortable thing to do - it takes being HUMBLE - and that is a quality the I want my son to learn because far too many people don't know how to embrace it. My son is eight now, and I know longer have to tell him to apologize when he does something he shouldn't have or accidently causes harm. He understands now that imporance of showing and feeling remorse when he messes up - and I think it is because when he was younger I would stop him in his tracks and explain it to him when I had to. Yes, I made sure I lead by example - but I also made sure I corrected him on the spot when I saw he was allowing his little ego and pride to keep him from doing the right thing - stubborn kids will turn into stubborn adults in my opinion! I didn't get in his face and make a spectacle - or scream and yell at him to apologize, but I made it clear to him that no matter what - when you are wrong, you admit you are wrong and you show respect by apologizing. The way I see it, showing remorse when you mess up is equivalent to showing respect.

Comment by Jenn D. on March 10, 2009 at 11:20am: I definitely agree that the best form of teaching is by modeling, but we all must agree that us as parents aren't perfect and not every kid will always model the things they are shown or choose to do "the right thing". I think it's important to teach a child proper social graces so that they can function well as they grow with society. Sometimes even we as adults don't "feel" sorry, but we must BE sorry even if it's not necessarily how we feel. (AKA: I wrote a nasty email about my boss to my friend and he happened to find it and now I have to go apologize to him because if I don't there will be consequences even though I really don't FEEL sorry - I hate my boss and I think he's a jerk and I mean every word of that letter I wrote. Get what I mean?) Life is not always about how we "feel" in the moment. If we all operated constantly on how we feel there'd be some pretty ugly people out there! Sometimes creating a feeling is taking a step of action first, and the feeling comes eventually by acting. Sometimes I don't FEEL like I love my husband so much, but I chose to say and do the right things even in moments when I don't feel it, and eventually, by doing that, I start to feel it! I definitely think the conversation with your child has to happen like Kimberly mentioned, but I still think that for everyone involved, it's best to have your child apologize. Unless of course the child is too young to say the words, then the parent should definitely apologize. Maybe even if the child is old enough, BOTH should apologize. You know, "I'm sorry my kid hit yours, this is something we are really working on with him/her". Also, even with the conversation happening, about how it's wrong, and how would you like it if someone did that to you type stuff, some children will still not really care, even though their answer might be "I wouldn't like it".
To me, this is kind of like the parent at gymnastics whose 2 year old runs wild throughout the gym and won't sit for 5 seconds and listen to anything the coach has to say and whines and cries through half the time... and that parent will say "Well, my child is so young, they don't understand they have to sit there". But if they don't understand, how will they ever learn if you don't teach them? Gymnastics (and other fun activities) is a privilege, and if the child chooses not to obey, they don't get to participate! No matter how old! I believe that if your child is hitting other kids, or doing things to annoy them that would warrant an apology, discipline is the best method to make them "feel" sorry. Along the same lines as the adult example I mentioned above: that person would quickly need to "feel" sorry in order to avoid the negative ramifications of their actions. Certainly if an adult lost their job over it, they'd probably become actually sorry they ever wrote the letter while they're sitting at home broke an unemployed. Get my meaning?
Maybe this reply is why I belong to the "mean moms" group here on Twitter Moms? LOL :)

Comment by Kimberley Clayton Blaine on March 9, 2009 at 2:52pm: Melanie, research shows that children learn best through observing. If a parent would like a child to truly learn how to do something, it's best done by modeling. When a child sees their parent have empathy for another, then the child learns that skill. Does that answer your question? I have never formally taught my children to apologize and they do, because my husband and I do apologize when we make mistakes or stumble :-)

Comment by Melanie on March 9, 2009 at 1:47pm: This is an interesting topic. I really like Julia's response. My main concern with not teaching a child to apologize after intentionally or unintentionally hurting someone else is this: how do they learn that expressing remorse is the appropriate step in the chain of events?

Comment by Kimberley Clayton Blaine on March 9, 2009 at 11:53am: Hi Kristen, I know how you must have felt! I'm so sorry she did that in to you and in front of your little boy. We all know that the over-reacting parent is not coming from a place of empathy and understanding. Which clearly is the point here, right? As a mom, when I see a child do what my child does, I think, "oh, I can relate to that!" Parents need to support other parents, it makes life a lot easier. Who wants to be around judgmental people? Children learn from their parents. Period. Parents pass down morals and values. I think your genuine reaction was probably the best, after all you are a role model for your son and lashing out back at her would not be ideal. Altough you could of whispered to him, "You need to use your words when someone is too close to you, I'm sorry she yelled you at you that way, some people don't know that may hurt people's feelings." If she's assertively acting out at you and your son, can you imagine how she may be with those close to her? People who lack empathy need it most - for they probably act that way because they were never taught it or exposed to it. I hope this helps...You did the right thing! You trusted your gut :-)

Comment by Kimberley Clayton Blaine on March 9, 2009 at 11:43am: Edie, yes, it is crucial for parents to admit when they have made mistakes. Children forgive and love so easily. My boys teach me more than I teach them :-)

Comment by Kimberley Clayton Blaine on March 8, 2009 at 4:55pm: Julia, good point, yes I assume that most parents would go to the hurt child to see if they are indeed okay and how they feel. I myself, say, "I'm sorry he did that sweetie, he doesn't have words to say he wanted his toy back, can I help you?" That way it it isn't seen as shaming but a way of understanding the needs of all children involved. I know my toddler can be aggressive when he doesn't have the emotional vocabulary he needs to resolve problems -- So I model what I'd like to him do as he becomes more cognitively advanced. Thanks for the reply :-)

Comment by Kristen Andrews: Featured Contributor of Style on March 8, 2009 at 4:44pm: Kimberly the timing of this is perfect. My son is 3 and last week at school (co-op so I was there) he pushed another boy when the boy was encroaching on his space and I did apologize and asked my son to apologize and he wouldn't but finally did and I knew it wasn't sincere. I agree w/ you I think we shouldn't force a child to apologize and should apologize as the parent. I did talk to him about what he did and why it was wrong and asked him to think about how the other child felt. Here is my question for you. The mother made a huge deal even though I apologized she said this really loud, "I can't believe he just pushed my son, what is wrong w/ him" I was actually speech less and now was more angry at her reaction than my son pushing. I really think kids need to learn their boundaries and these things will happen. How would you handle the parent that over reacts????

Comment by Edie McRae on March 8, 2009 at 4:19pm: I'm of Julia's mindset on this one. And one thought I'd like to add is that we, as parents, are sometimes the WORST at apologizing to our own children. Something I remember from my own childhood is that no "adult" ever said they were sorry when in the wrong. That is a chain I have diligently striven to break. Great topic for contemplation.

Comment by Midwest Mom on March 8, 2009 at 1:37pm: What an interesting perspective. I don't agree that the adult apologizing for a child's act fosters a power-with relationship, though. I am reminded of the overbearing adult who apologizes on behalf of her child as a way of shaming.

In our family, we teach that our first response to a hurt, intentional or unintentional, should be to ask "are you okay?" (And yes, I will model that question if my child doesn't ask it on his/her own.) There is nothing blame-laying about it; instead, the question "are you okay?" fosters a child-to-child exchange about the hurt itself. Apologies are to be made sincerely, after time has passed -- not as an immediate response. I also teach my children that the appropriate response when they are apologized-to isn't "that's okay," (because most of the time, it's not!) We say, "I forgive you." To my ears, the difference is subtle, but important.

Good article, Kimberly! It was thought-provoking. - Julia at Midwest Moms