Moms Know Best: My kids won't stop fighting, what do I do?

A mom called me this morning and asked, "Right now my son has two friends over (he's six) and they are arguing over the toys so much I either need medication or a baby-sitter, what do I do?"

I'd like to hear what you moms think! This is what I offered her.

The Family Coach’s “Easy as 1-2-3” Solution

When there is a behavior that you know is outside a well-defined family limit, you need to clearly set the limit for your child. Your role is to define the acceptable behavior, provide the opportunity for the child to exhibit that behavior and limit your child's freedom to have fun when he has the skill to make the right choice and chooses not to.

Here’s the 1-2-3 of it:

1. Identify and reinforce the Family Value at issue.
2. Name the rule or expected behavior.
3. Clearly communicate the limits on the behavior, showing the child what the successful accomplishment of the behavior 
looks like.

Below are several examples of common “off-limits” behaviors and how you can address them. Sometimes you’ll be able to anticipate a rule violation before it happens, but sometimes you won’t. There is no bad time to establish limits, but it’s important that you do it as soon as you realize you need to, and that you do it clearly and calmly. Prevention is the mother of parental happiness, but if things start to spin out of control, you are in charge and you can stop that speeding train.

Behavior #1: Hitting

Step #1: Reinforce the Family Value.
“We are a family who use our bodies kindly.”

Step #2: Name the rule or expected behavior.
“We keep our hands to ourselves.”

Step #3: Clearly communicate the limits on the behavior.
“When we are angry we can talk about it, get our anger out through movement, or walk away in order to calm down. Under no circumstances do we hit another person.”

In this example, you have not only clarified what is expected, but you have provided other appropriate options to hitting, while at the same time clearly stating: “We do not hit.” You clarified the expectation, set the limit and offered an alternative behavior. Yea! You did it!

Plan to Prevent

Sit down with your child and write out alternative behavior before the friends come over. Tell them what behavior is expected and discuss what will happen when things go well and what will happen when the family values or rules are broken.

A. Tell the children ahead of time, if they make a choice to use “hurting behavior” they will have a consequence. Make the consequence simple, logical and immediate: “Jessica, when you choose to bite your brother instead of stepping back and asking mom for help, you will sit in the thinking chair for three minutes.”

B. After the child has served their sentence for “willful non-compliance,” you can practice re-doing the behavior using a new strategy. Your child needs to practice new words and new behaviors in order to develop better habits, discipline and self-control. Just sending a child to time-out will not improve their behavior. Remember, teaching is your primary role as a parent.

Another example...

Behavior #2: Getting up from the dinner table without permission

Step #1: Reinforce the Family Value.
“We are a family who respects authority.”

Step #2: Name the rule or expected behavior.
“When we sit down for dinner, everyone remains at the table until they are excused by a parent.”

Step #3: Clearly communicate the limits on the behavior.
“When we eat dinner, we do so as a family. We wait until everyone is done before we leave the table. If you need to get up from the table, you ask for permission.”

In this example, you have established the family norm for dinner table behavior. You can clearly establish other limits as well, such as: “If we do not like something on our plate we do not comment on it, we simply choose not to eat it;” “At the dinner table we take turns talking so that everyone is heard,” “We use our fork and knife for eating,” “We keep our hands to ourselves,” “We keep our elbows off the table,” “We clear our dishes and take them to the sink,” or “We thank the cook.”

Now, of course, you do not say this all at once like a robot, you assert the expected behavior when there is cause for concern that a child might cross over the line of demarcation. You state the expectation to reinforce future behavioral choices.

Behavior #3: Teasing a peer at school

Step #1: Reinforce the Family Value.
“We are a family who speaks politely to and about others.”

Step #2: Name the “rule” or expected behavior.
“We speak kindly about others.”

Step #3: Clearly communicate the limits on the behavior.
“We do not participate in teasing. When someone is being teased, we tell a teacher or we walk away.”

Teasing is a particularly common part of school life, but if you proactively tell your children you do not condone or support teasing and you expect the same of them, then there is no question when the circumstance arises.

There is no way that, as a parent, you can anticipate every possible rule, boundary or limit violation. Much of being a parent is responding to circumstances you never expected, like when your sixth-grader steals a bike or your third-grader participates in trashing the school bathroom. Communicating your values to your children is your foundation when unanticipated events occur.

Express dismay (Go ahead, it’s OK)

Your family values cover almost all behaviors. If you are a family who “respects the rights of others,” then stealing a bike is certainly outside that family norm. Since you established the values of your family clearly, and even in writing, it is easy to say, “I have trouble imagining how that happened, because we do not live like that.”

As a general rule, the simplest way to respond to a limit violation or a rule infraction is to express dismay: “I noticed you hit your brother and I am not sure why you would do that when we are a family who respects each other with our bodies.” "You will need to pay him back with an act of kindness."

45 minutes later this mom called me back, "We had a family meeting and went over the expectations. I called the boys' mom and told her as well as my kids if they fight (rambunctiously) again, they are choosing to end their play date and I will drive the kids home."

What would you have done? It sure can be a lot of work, but it pays off, if you teach your kids they are accountable for their behavior.