Our First Big Fight

I knew it was coming. My daughter who has just turned 11 can get very feisty when she is tired. That is just one piece of the bad news; the other bad news is that she is already a master at arguing. With two lawyers for grandfathers and her new found interest in debating at school - defending her point comes very easily to her…a little too easily. On the one hand I am proud of her for being so good at something that will probably serve her well in years to come, on the other hand, I don’t want to be on the losing end of every argument we have. When I was her age and older I was notorious for never fighting with my parents. After handing in an essay in English class that lacked a defense for anything at all, the teacher called my parents and told them they needed to encourage me to fight and take a stand for something.
So last night when I got in a fatigue induced argument (I might have called it a disagreement) with my daughter I came out of it a little worse for wear. She is tough and determined and remembers everything I say. She picked apart every point and had me against the wall a few times. She was mad and I was getting madder. What to do??? True to form, I announced I needed to take the dog out for a walk – in other words I needed to avoid the controversy. It sounds bad, but in actual fact it was brilliant. I was able to better organize my thoughts and provide clarity to the situation while my daughter was able to reflect on how intense the situation had become and calm down. Upon my return, the two of us were better able to reasonably discuss our differences, admit blame for our mistakes and apologize appropriately.
Later that night, after she had gone to bed, I realized I have to remain strong in those situations. There are a lot more of those arguments to come, it is up to me to not personalize everything she says. I can keep the upper hand by staying calm.
I know these fights are normal and just part of the parenting thing – I just want to make sure that by the time she is a little older and settled, we still have the foundation of a lasting mother and daughter relationship.