Part 2 - In Which I Cry
Stark contrast hey.
So after yesterdays post in which I laughed a lot and headed off to the airport in great form I suppose you want to know why I've come home and I'm now crying. Well you should know by now that it's never simple is it. Never bloody straight forward around these parts is it.
Back to Wednesday and I arrived back in my little village over in England. I was hardly in the door and BFF arrived to drag me out to the infamous little local pub (I swear I could write a whole soap opera about that pub). And naturally I was dying to see Toyboy. OK, back track slightly to the previous day. I had text Toyboy to remind him I was home the following day. A few quite funny texts where exchanged which was good as I hadn't heard from him in a few days and was doing my paranoid mad woman thing thinking that maybe he had gone cold on me. So I arrives in pub and a couple of his friends are there but no sign of him. After debating with BFF and barmaid, we decided that I should text him to ask if he was joining us. He replied saying he was stuck in work late so wouldn't be able to get there. Damn! I played it cool and didn't reply.
Thursday. Not a word from him.
Friday. Girlie night out, to the local pub (exciting lot aren't we). Loads of gossiping and lots of drink and still no sign of Toyboy. Eventually he appears, says hello and goes over to talk to some others. Ummmmmm. Well alright he was hardly going to walk into a group of 9 women to make a move was he. Night progresses and we eventually are on our own. I told him that I'd thought that maybe he'd gone a bit cold on me. He said I was barking bloody mad to think that and no way was he going cold. I'll cut out the smooching and other bits in between and fast forward to a conversation on Saturday morning (fill your own blanks in there but go figure we are still in each others company the following morning). I can't remember how this bit came about but the important bit is that I was saying that I wasn't prepared to be an every two weeks shag piece, get into anything that was going to wreck my head, be complicated or just not good for me in general, it's just not what I want or need right now. And I was absolutely crystal clear about it. He again said I was barking mad to even think he'd be like that. He knew the score with me well enough and said he knew me well enough to know that I wasn't the type to settle for anything less than what I want or stand for any messing. Now remember that for later.
Saturday. Lots of girlie gossip during the day and the general opinion being that Toyboy is smitten. I go off to the wedding I was attending but as Toyboy was occupied on a sporting field till late I took small child as my plus one. She's a pretty good plus one and getting quite used to it at this stage but as I had her with me I didn't want to stay late and had also arranged to meet Toyboy back at the pub. My cousin who was also there and driving took us home at a reasonable time and after depositing child back with the folks I headed off with my cousin for a few drinks and for him to vet Toyboy. Turned out they already knew each other. Why I didn't think of that in the first place given that it is the old local village. Completely different this time around and Toyboy is all over me, publicly, oh and also in full view of Paddy, who by the way, was eyeing me up! The cheek! He even tried to make conversation with me, I shot him down quick enough. BFF's husband also turns up and gives Paddy a few naff off glances. Closing time me and Toyboy leave together, publicly, in full view of everyone. It was now public knowledge.
Back home and on our own and he was so sweet and lovely, telling me all sorts, key points being that I was amazing, he was mad about me and at one point I remember thinking to myself, bloody hell if he carries on like this he'll be telling me he loves me in an hour or two! Now remember that one for later.
Sunday. I made him late for playing football. Whoops. Lots of girlie gossiping again. Yep, he's smitten they all say. Absolutely no doubt about it. I've got myself a good un there. Girlie's are relieved and happy.
Night time. It's tradition when I'm home that we all have a Sunday session. I allow small child to come out with us for a while. She thinks it's a treat that she gets to come out with the grown ups. It's also me giving my Mum a few hours break and everyone makes a big fuss of small child, she loves it, everyone is happy. So anyway, small child was in fine form and keeping the whole pub entertained and The Unsuitable One and Paddy are paying her loads of attention. Toyboy arrives very late, odd, is almost reserved, hardly says a word, ignores small child and doesn't sit with us. Very odd. One of the other girlie's takes small child home for me so I can go out for a smoke to speak to Toyboy. He is stood out there with a few others, again hardly says two words and goes back inside leaving me out there on my own. Very, very odd.
End of the night. Conversation is still limited. Oh hang on I forgot a bit. Another male friend had called in for a quick drink just to say hello. He'd also been at the football earlier in the day and said that he'd over heard my name mentioned in the company of Toyboy. I quizzed him about what was said but he said it was nothing bad at all just a few of the other lads asking Toyboy about me. Male friend said that if anything bad had been said he would tell me and would have said something to them as he wouldn't have stood there listening to anyone bad mouth me. I believed him, I have known him for 30 something years.
Right back to the end of the night and we are all now sat together and Toyboy and two of his friend say that they are going. He literally gets up to go with a brief goodbye and see you in two weeks. Hang on a minute says me and drags him outside, with a what the fuck's going on here talk about make me feel completely and utterly used. He says that's not the case and he's now thinking that I'm asking him to take a lot on. He's also saying this while giving me that same love struck look, hugging and kissing me. I tell him that he knew the position I'm in well before anything happened between us and I wasn't actually asking him to take anything on at all. My shit is my own shit and I deal with it and would not expect him to get involved in any of it at all. He says that he's confused and doesn't know what he wants and that he doesn't want to talk about it when we've both been drinking and he'd get off work early the next day and come and see me before I go. I instinctively know that something isn't right. He goes his way and I go mine. I get home and cry. In the space of 12 hours Toyboy has done a very dramatic u turn on me and I have absolutely no idea why. I knew full well what was coming next and I just didn't want to have that whole conversation where I would end up trying to convince him that I wasn't asking him to take anything on at all and he's already made his mind up that it's not what he wants (even though I don't know why). I text him and basically said that. He didn't reply.
Monday. Eventually he replied to my text saying OK but he didn't want me to think he'd messed me around and still wanted to be friends.
Well lets face it, he has messed me around and I just don't get it. And that's what I replied. He said that wasn't his intention and I asked what his intention was because I just don't get it and unless I'd completely got it wrong everything was fine Sunday morning but by the night he'd done a complete u turn on me. He said, now wait for this. He must have got it wrong as he thought we was just having a bit of fun and he didn't want the whole relationship thing.
A bit of fun.
Red rag to a bull.
I replied: Well that certainly wasn't the impression you gave me that it was just a bit of fun and I was very clear with you the other night that I was not into that sort of thing. I really didn't think you was just feeding me a load of lines to get what you wanted but obviously I got it wrong and we can leave it at that.
He didn't reply. Not that I expected him to after that.
The girlie's where summoned and a mothers meeting was hastily called on the park. Kids on swings, mothers on benches smoking brains out in shock. Not one of them could believe it, all said they really did not think he was like that at all. All expected better of him. All agreed that it did not make sense at all. General opinion is that;
A) He's got spooked by how he feels.
B) He's got spooked by actually thinking about my situation (even though he already knew it).
C) Somebody has said something, but then male friend says absolutely no way, and none of us could think of who would say anything or why (Paddy has been ruled out as being a potential shit stirrer, long story for another day).
D) He's had us all fooled for years and he is just another shit bloke.
Lets face it, I've been around the block a few times and I think at this stage I'm getting good at spotting when I'm being played. I really did not think he was. I was there, I know how he was, I know the things he said. If I was being played then he's the best I've ever known at doing it and he's damn good at playing the part well. I'd always said, and so had everyone else, that he was the most straight down the line bloke I knew, 100% genuine and a heart of gold.
And it was all bad timing as I then had to leave to go to the airport. I got to the airport, locked myself in a toilet and cried again. Got home and cried again. So maybe I'm just being all girlie hormonal or something, or just taking it badly, or just not getting it at all. Because I really just don't get it. And now I don't know what to do as I'm back there again in two weeks, for nearly two weeks, so I'm bound to see him, it's going to be damn awkward to say the least, it's going to cause a divide in the friends and I also feel like I've lost a good friend as well.
So what do I do? Demand an explanation? Leave it till I'm there and see what happens or speak to him before I get there? Girlie's also think that when I go back in two weeks he's also going to be all confused seeing me as it's been so obvious for so long that he fancied me, but if I'm nice to him is that opening up the doorway to potentially being used (again, maybe). But if I don't speak to him then it's just going to make it more awkward but am I protecting myself if I do that? And if he doesn't contact me before I go then to me that says that he doesn't think he's done anything wrong. Or said the wrong thing. Or just been an idiot.
See what I mean. It all just got very head wrecking, confusing and complicated. Really not what I need right now. But it's something I'm going to have to deal with at some point given my extensive travel plans to be over there quite a lot until court stuff gets sorted.
Never straight forward and never bloody simple. It's all just fuckingbloodybollocks. I stole that great word from the lovely Lady P who has bogged off on holiday leaving me to my own devices and Dutch Bitch teaching me to swear in Dutch.
Anyone any ideas?
So after yesterdays post in which I laughed a lot and headed off to the airport in great form I suppose you want to know why I've come home and I'm now crying. Well you should know by now that it's never simple is it. Never bloody straight forward around these parts is it.
Back to Wednesday and I arrived back in my little village over in England. I was hardly in the door and BFF arrived to drag me out to the infamous little local pub (I swear I could write a whole soap opera about that pub). And naturally I was dying to see Toyboy. OK, back track slightly to the previous day. I had text Toyboy to remind him I was home the following day. A few quite funny texts where exchanged which was good as I hadn't heard from him in a few days and was doing my paranoid mad woman thing thinking that maybe he had gone cold on me. So I arrives in pub and a couple of his friends are there but no sign of him. After debating with BFF and barmaid, we decided that I should text him to ask if he was joining us. He replied saying he was stuck in work late so wouldn't be able to get there. Damn! I played it cool and didn't reply.
Thursday. Not a word from him.
Friday. Girlie night out, to the local pub (exciting lot aren't we). Loads of gossiping and lots of drink and still no sign of Toyboy. Eventually he appears, says hello and goes over to talk to some others. Ummmmmm. Well alright he was hardly going to walk into a group of 9 women to make a move was he. Night progresses and we eventually are on our own. I told him that I'd thought that maybe he'd gone a bit cold on me. He said I was barking bloody mad to think that and no way was he going cold. I'll cut out the smooching and other bits in between and fast forward to a conversation on Saturday morning (fill your own blanks in there but go figure we are still in each others company the following morning). I can't remember how this bit came about but the important bit is that I was saying that I wasn't prepared to be an every two weeks shag piece, get into anything that was going to wreck my head, be complicated or just not good for me in general, it's just not what I want or need right now. And I was absolutely crystal clear about it. He again said I was barking mad to even think he'd be like that. He knew the score with me well enough and said he knew me well enough to know that I wasn't the type to settle for anything less than what I want or stand for any messing. Now remember that for later.
Saturday. Lots of girlie gossip during the day and the general opinion being that Toyboy is smitten. I go off to the wedding I was attending but as Toyboy was occupied on a sporting field till late I took small child as my plus one. She's a pretty good plus one and getting quite used to it at this stage but as I had her with me I didn't want to stay late and had also arranged to meet Toyboy back at the pub. My cousin who was also there and driving took us home at a reasonable time and after depositing child back with the folks I headed off with my cousin for a few drinks and for him to vet Toyboy. Turned out they already knew each other. Why I didn't think of that in the first place given that it is the old local village. Completely different this time around and Toyboy is all over me, publicly, oh and also in full view of Paddy, who by the way, was eyeing me up! The cheek! He even tried to make conversation with me, I shot him down quick enough. BFF's husband also turns up and gives Paddy a few naff off glances. Closing time me and Toyboy leave together, publicly, in full view of everyone. It was now public knowledge.
Back home and on our own and he was so sweet and lovely, telling me all sorts, key points being that I was amazing, he was mad about me and at one point I remember thinking to myself, bloody hell if he carries on like this he'll be telling me he loves me in an hour or two! Now remember that one for later.
Sunday. I made him late for playing football. Whoops. Lots of girlie gossiping again. Yep, he's smitten they all say. Absolutely no doubt about it. I've got myself a good un there. Girlie's are relieved and happy.
Night time. It's tradition when I'm home that we all have a Sunday session. I allow small child to come out with us for a while. She thinks it's a treat that she gets to come out with the grown ups. It's also me giving my Mum a few hours break and everyone makes a big fuss of small child, she loves it, everyone is happy. So anyway, small child was in fine form and keeping the whole pub entertained and The Unsuitable One and Paddy are paying her loads of attention. Toyboy arrives very late, odd, is almost reserved, hardly says a word, ignores small child and doesn't sit with us. Very odd. One of the other girlie's takes small child home for me so I can go out for a smoke to speak to Toyboy. He is stood out there with a few others, again hardly says two words and goes back inside leaving me out there on my own. Very, very odd.
End of the night. Conversation is still limited. Oh hang on I forgot a bit. Another male friend had called in for a quick drink just to say hello. He'd also been at the football earlier in the day and said that he'd over heard my name mentioned in the company of Toyboy. I quizzed him about what was said but he said it was nothing bad at all just a few of the other lads asking Toyboy about me. Male friend said that if anything bad had been said he would tell me and would have said something to them as he wouldn't have stood there listening to anyone bad mouth me. I believed him, I have known him for 30 something years.
Right back to the end of the night and we are all now sat together and Toyboy and two of his friend say that they are going. He literally gets up to go with a brief goodbye and see you in two weeks. Hang on a minute says me and drags him outside, with a what the fuck's going on here talk about make me feel completely and utterly used. He says that's not the case and he's now thinking that I'm asking him to take a lot on. He's also saying this while giving me that same love struck look, hugging and kissing me. I tell him that he knew the position I'm in well before anything happened between us and I wasn't actually asking him to take anything on at all. My shit is my own shit and I deal with it and would not expect him to get involved in any of it at all. He says that he's confused and doesn't know what he wants and that he doesn't want to talk about it when we've both been drinking and he'd get off work early the next day and come and see me before I go. I instinctively know that something isn't right. He goes his way and I go mine. I get home and cry. In the space of 12 hours Toyboy has done a very dramatic u turn on me and I have absolutely no idea why. I knew full well what was coming next and I just didn't want to have that whole conversation where I would end up trying to convince him that I wasn't asking him to take anything on at all and he's already made his mind up that it's not what he wants (even though I don't know why). I text him and basically said that. He didn't reply.
Monday. Eventually he replied to my text saying OK but he didn't want me to think he'd messed me around and still wanted to be friends.
Well lets face it, he has messed me around and I just don't get it. And that's what I replied. He said that wasn't his intention and I asked what his intention was because I just don't get it and unless I'd completely got it wrong everything was fine Sunday morning but by the night he'd done a complete u turn on me. He said, now wait for this. He must have got it wrong as he thought we was just having a bit of fun and he didn't want the whole relationship thing.
A bit of fun.
Red rag to a bull.
I replied: Well that certainly wasn't the impression you gave me that it was just a bit of fun and I was very clear with you the other night that I was not into that sort of thing. I really didn't think you was just feeding me a load of lines to get what you wanted but obviously I got it wrong and we can leave it at that.
He didn't reply. Not that I expected him to after that.
The girlie's where summoned and a mothers meeting was hastily called on the park. Kids on swings, mothers on benches smoking brains out in shock. Not one of them could believe it, all said they really did not think he was like that at all. All expected better of him. All agreed that it did not make sense at all. General opinion is that;
A) He's got spooked by how he feels.
B) He's got spooked by actually thinking about my situation (even though he already knew it).
C) Somebody has said something, but then male friend says absolutely no way, and none of us could think of who would say anything or why (Paddy has been ruled out as being a potential shit stirrer, long story for another day).
D) He's had us all fooled for years and he is just another shit bloke.
Lets face it, I've been around the block a few times and I think at this stage I'm getting good at spotting when I'm being played. I really did not think he was. I was there, I know how he was, I know the things he said. If I was being played then he's the best I've ever known at doing it and he's damn good at playing the part well. I'd always said, and so had everyone else, that he was the most straight down the line bloke I knew, 100% genuine and a heart of gold.
And it was all bad timing as I then had to leave to go to the airport. I got to the airport, locked myself in a toilet and cried again. Got home and cried again. So maybe I'm just being all girlie hormonal or something, or just taking it badly, or just not getting it at all. Because I really just don't get it. And now I don't know what to do as I'm back there again in two weeks, for nearly two weeks, so I'm bound to see him, it's going to be damn awkward to say the least, it's going to cause a divide in the friends and I also feel like I've lost a good friend as well.
So what do I do? Demand an explanation? Leave it till I'm there and see what happens or speak to him before I get there? Girlie's also think that when I go back in two weeks he's also going to be all confused seeing me as it's been so obvious for so long that he fancied me, but if I'm nice to him is that opening up the doorway to potentially being used (again, maybe). But if I don't speak to him then it's just going to make it more awkward but am I protecting myself if I do that? And if he doesn't contact me before I go then to me that says that he doesn't think he's done anything wrong. Or said the wrong thing. Or just been an idiot.
See what I mean. It all just got very head wrecking, confusing and complicated. Really not what I need right now. But it's something I'm going to have to deal with at some point given my extensive travel plans to be over there quite a lot until court stuff gets sorted.
Never straight forward and never bloody simple. It's all just fuckingbloodybollocks. I stole that great word from the lovely Lady P who has bogged off on holiday leaving me to my own devices and Dutch Bitch teaching me to swear in Dutch.
Anyone any ideas?
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