Shhhhhhhhh. Do You Want To Know A Secret?

Thought you might somehow.

Well we should all know at this stage that there isn't much secret round at Yummy Mammy Towers is there. And now Toyboy knows it all as well after having a right good read. Actually he got quite engrossed. It was the quietest he's been in a long time. Whoops. Ah well, like I said before it's not like I'd said anything bad about him, and he did redeem himself after that one bad moment, and he is still absolutely lovely. There isn't anything on here that I wouldn't tell him anyway and I'm sure his ego took a boost after reading all the nice stuff I said about him as well. And no, I'm not going to bottle him and sell him on eBay, he isn't that perfect you know.


Alright I'll stop now before Penelope runs for her sick bucket, Dutchy thinks she's visited the wrong place, MagnumLady goes out buying a hat with all The Little Nuts. OMG gives birth too early with the shock, Mindy thinks I've lost the plot (BTW loved the bit about sex-ting) and all The Disney 7 ( English Mum Laura Little Mummy Linda Family Affairs Dulwich Divorcee and Exmoor Jane ) hit me with the Mickey ears. Not forgetting The Bold Wifey one who got worried about Toyboy reading (panic over pet), and if I get far too slushy and god forbid I actually go all doe eyed over a bloke then Fab Finds Gal will be over to whip my arse too, closely followed by the other exiled Brit Nicola who will kick me really hard with them balls she's been growing, Katie will swear at me, albeit very theatrically, and Metro Mum will probably hit me with that stick of rock she brought me back off holiday. Chic Mama may try to steal him, I'll compare notes with Western Super Mum and then we can all go and bounce on YaYa's really cool big bouncy housey thing.

So ladies, be nice, after all, Toyboy will probably be reading this (hey we all know curiosity got the better of him once so I dare say it will again). And anything we don't want him reading I'll just put it on the private posts ;-) Oh he's so going to be asking about that now.

Right, so what's been happening. Well I'm back now from my 2 week break and dash around. It all went far too quick and I didn't do half the things I wanted to. Naturally me and Mr Smirnoff spent a lot of time together, as ever in the local pub (and OMG that soap opera is sooooooo on the way, the gossip in that place!!). And Toyboy is still ace, as previously mentioned and more in a mo. I'm back in Dublin now, but only for another 16 days and then I'm off again.

Speaking of which, time to get all serious. I think I'm back on that roller coaster again. Not sure if it's a good or a bad thing though. When I'm there I'm all stress free and happy. I have loads of people around me who know how shit it's all been, they've known me a bloody long time so they know that even though I'm good at putting a smile and a brave face on, underneath it all there have been times when I've been close to crumbling. They just get it. I saw some of the friends that had been over in May for small childs communion and they commented on how different I am when I'm over there to how I am when I'm here. We've known each other since being babies so they know me well enough to be able to say that when I'm there I'm me. I'm the same me I've always been. When I'm here, I'm not.

I get to the airport to come back here and it all starts hitting me again just what I'm coming back to. I sit at the departure gate waiting to get on the plane and have this big long debate with myself about actually getting on the plane. For the past few times I've had small child with me so the debate is usually interrupted by her asking for something or attempting to wander off. This time was different. She wasn't with me and the debate was long and hard. She is still on holiday with Batman so I knew I was coming back to an empty house. Not good. The plane was delayed thus lengthening the debate even more. I have to admit, I very nearly didn't get on the plane. I was very close to turning round and going back to my Mum's. Eventually though I got on the plane, got back to Dublin, only to be greeted by shitty shitty bang bang car having a flat battery due to the alarm having gone off for the last 5 days. I checked the time. There was still time to go back to the airport and get on the last plane back. Instead I rang the AA and waited for them to come and rescue me. If only life was like a fairytale and the AA man was really a knight in shinning armour on his big white horse and he comes galloping along and makes everything OK again. Eventually I got home and sulked.

I now have to do this another 8 times, at least, on my own, before something may or may not happen with the courts. The longer it goes on the harder it's going to be to get back on that plane.

See what I mean about the roller coaster. Far too many highs and lows. Am I doing myself more harm than good by making all these trips when it does provoke such extreme highs and lows in me? On the other hand it does make the time go quicker. Can you believe it's been 2 months since Heart Broke the time has gone that quick that the million and one things I knew I had to do then I still haven't done. Best get my arse into gear really hadn't I. But on the other hand I've had a brilliant summer (despite that minor set back in the middle there) and compared to what I thought it was going to be like 2 months ago, well things are a lot different I suppose.

So what am I going to do about it? Well Batman will be back off holiday at the end of the week so I'm going to attempt to get him to meet me for a summit meeting / show down / set me free or I may kill you meeting. I still haven't decided what tactic I'm going to use with him. I thought at first that pointing out the financial side was the best option, however my Mum thinks this may be the wrong way as if he's stupid enough to not realise that himself and know how much debt he is potentially taking on, then more fool him. She thinks that the best option is telling him that this can all be over tomorrow and we can all get on with our lives in peace. We've worked out a plan whereby he would actually see small child the same number of days per year as what he does now. And he needs to know that I don't want this life I have now, not for me or small child, and I won't stop fighting this until I have the life I want for us. We think it should also be pointed out to him that by his constant battling with me it's starting to look as though it's me he won't let go of when the whole issue of access to small child has been dealt with. And this has been said to me by quite a few people now. At some point Wicked Witch is also going to start thinking this. Is he hanging on for the control or because he can't let go of the past that has long since gone? I know if I was Wicked Witch what I'd be thinking.

I'm quite nervous about it all. Knowing Batman it won't make the slightest bit of difference but with the legal stuff going to start again in the next few weeks I think it's now or never. And for all the campaigners ready to go, once I've had the show down, if it doesn't go well, then we shall crack on. I have all the stuff ready for you and the list drawn up but I'll only send it after the meeting, just in case. And if we are going ahead with it all then it will start as planned on September 4th from Save One Mammy. Lets all keep our fingers crossed that we don't need it.

So now you all want to know about what's been happening with Toyboy. Well not a lot to report really. No drama. Sorry. Well apart from way too many people seem to have an opinion on the situation. My god we seem to have caused the gossips to go into over drive. I can't believe how many random people seem to want to tell me things, to be careful, what am I doing with him etc. Not sure if it's the shock factor, huge gossip factor given that between us we pretty much know everyone in the damn village or just this months current scandal but flippin eck, we seem to have caused quite a stir there. Naturally he's oblivious to it all. Well so he says. But everything is fine and I'm actually quite liking this casual / when I'm there / non full on relationship type thing. It suits. I haven't got the head space to deal with anything else and I think I'm also far too busy reclaiming my lost youth and making up for time wasted from the years of Batman and He Whose Name to even think about anything serious or settling down again. But I do like reclaiming that youth in the company of Toyboy. And if I'm being really honest, after all those years of He Whose Name, I've still got a lot of my own issues to get over. But I'll get there in my own little way, it just takes time.

And He Whose Name told me himself last week (yes I know it's still all very bizarre that we are now friends) that anyone would struggle a bit after what he put me through, but I'm a tough old bird and if I can survive him then I can do anything. And he taught me well and made sure I'm nobodies fool now. I'll know if it's right or not. I know, even more bizarre that he takes credit for teaching me well. But at the moment Toyboy is right, it suits and that's just fine with me.

I'm sure there are plenty of other things to tell you but I'm still very tired and struggling to keep my eyes open so for now that will have to do xx