So World. What You Gonna Throw At Me This Week?
This is an odd week in the life of Yummy Mammy. OK, I see the eye rolls and hear the tuts, "When is it not?!" I hear you scream. Nah, not the usual crap, although that never really stops so I can't see it stopping this week either, but it's more the dates that are significant now. Got your coffee / wine / fags? Sitting comfortably? Good. Let me explain.
Over the past ten years, between the dates of September 10th through to the 18th, I can pretty much pinpoint all the big events in my life that have happened that have then started a chain reaction into the next thing that has happened. Sound odd? It's me! Naturally it's going to be odd. It all seems to happen in the same week, year after year. And it's all the bad stuff as well. The stuff that has pretty much led me to where I am today.
You see, ten years ago, on September 10th, a life changing bomb shell was dropped on me. Out of nowhere. SMACK! It was a biggy. Stopped me in my tracks completely. At the time, yes it was big, but it's only now that I look back that I realise just how big. I don't particularly want to go into detail as it's something that I don't really talk about and not many of my real world friends even know about it. And after a couple of months I thought that I'd gotten over it and it was all behind me. Nope. It's still something that creeps into my mind quite a bit. And when it does, especially this time of year, it still manages to stop me in my tracks. Although now it tends to be for a minute or two. But now looking back, that one event set me off down a path, probably the wrong path, because if that one event hadn't of happened, then all the crap that is currently on my plate probably wouldn't have happened either. A bit like that film, The Butterfly Effect. Only minus Ashton Kutcher.
Fast forward, September 11th. I think everyone can remember were they where when they heard about the attacks on the twin towers. September 11th is another really painful day for me. You see, I was there. In those towers. At the very top. Now I've puzzled you haven't I. I was there, September 11th, at 9am, at the top of the World Trade Centre, having breakfast. Only it was exactly a year before the attacks. I have photos of me, up there, with the time and date on. So when people say they can remember how they heard about the attacks, what they where doing etc, I can remember every single detail, and far too clearly.
I was at work having a bad day. I'd had an argument with Batman that morning and gone off to work in a bad mood. I knew even back then, still a few years before we did split up that I'd made a huge mistake in marrying him. You know one of those deep in your belly gut feelings. I'd had it for a while (more of that in a moment, and you'll see why) and I knew, somehow I knew even then, that I'd made a HUGE mistake. My inner voice was telling me that I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. I'd just come back from lunch which basically involved sitting in the car having an argument over the phone with Batman. I came back into work and went to the kitchen to get a drink. It was 2pm, so 9am New York time, and I remembered sitting in the restaurant at the top of the World Trade Centre exactly a year before, and remembered a conversation I had that morning with someone that worked there (again more of that in a moment). I heard someone coming into the room and wiped the tear from my eye. The person came into the room and told me that a plane had hit the World Trade Centre.
Back a year to 2000 and there I was, having my breakfast with a friend that lived in New York at the time. Why was I there? I was confirming all the details for my wedding reception. Irony hey. Yep, a few days later I got married and had my wedding reception there. As we sat and ate our breakfast a waiter chatted to us asking about the wedding. He was a nice man, older, a sort of father figure type. I got the impression that he was a good family man from the comments he made about marriage, and how it wasn't to be taken lightly.
I saw that waiter a few days later when I had got married. It was a beautiful night and the sky was so clear. There was a full moon, a harvest moon I think it's called when it's really big in the sky and a bit red. It was rising over the Brooklyn Bridge and as the sky got darker and all the lights across New York began to light up the view was so beautiful. Because the restaurant was right at the top of the building you could see for miles and miles. It was such a spectacular view and I remember looking out and thinking what a big wide world it was out there. And how it was all gone from me. It was the first time I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'd made a huge mistake. The waiter came over to hand me a drink and asked if I was OK. And it was the way he asked it that it was like he could see right inside me and knew that I wasn't OK. He gave me half a smile and I felt at that moment like he was the only person in the world that knew how I really felt inside. Those few moments that he stood there with me at the window admiring the view stayed with me for a very long time.
So a year later and I'm stood there remembering that nice waiter and what he'd said. I'd lost count at that point of how many times I'd kicked myself for not stopping and thinking what I was doing. His words had rung in my ears so many times. Had he tried to warn me? To make me stop and think what I was doing? That fatherly look and words of wisdom he had given me. For the brief moments they had been, they had stayed with me for so long.
It took a while for me to find out, but I discovered that he had died in the attacks. I sent a card to his family. He probably never remembered me again after my wedding day but he is someone I will never forget.
So often I have thought about the what ifs. If I'd been there exactly a year later. If the attacks had happened exactly a year earlier. There but for the grace of god.
A few days later and I was at a meeting in a very posh London restaurant followed by drinks in a very exclusive bar. It had come about after a chance meeting with someone, random conversation and then an invite. I was offered something, an opportunity, at this meeting that would have changed my life and made it very, very different to what it is today. One of those once in a lifetime things. And it was entirely possible as well. I've always been a bit of an adventurer, risk taker. Always the one to do the exciting things. Even from a young age I'd wanted to see everything in the world, go everywhere, experience so many things. It was like a burning passion inside me. When I said about looking out at the view in New York, for a brief moment I was looking out on the world I wanted to explore. But then I knew I'd never see it the way I'd always wanted to. The opportunity I was being offered at this meeting would have given me back all of that passion I'd once had. And even then with a baby (small child had arrived by then) it could all still be done. For a few hours I was excited about life again. Batman put a stop to all that.
Fast forward a couple of years and another wedding anniversary and I was miserable and something triggered in the back of my mind that I was getting out. I'd had enough and somehow I was going to find a way out of this mess.
It took me another year and another huge mistake before I did get out. And you guessed it. It was that very same week again. Well I didn't exactly get out that week, but something happened to give me that final push to get out. Again, bad things always happen in this week.
In the years since that other bits and pieces always seem to happen. Some not so huge or unpleasant or memorable. But something always happens. Last year I served court papers on Batman. And we all know now what happened with that one. And something not so nice happened with DJ Boy (remember him? Nasty piece of work he was). Year before that I unravelled the truth about He Whose Name.
Maybe it's the lunar alignment or the suns position or something in the stars. Oh I don't know, perhaps someone who's into all that stuff can tell me.
So with a trip to England happening on Thursday you can imagine I'm nervous about it all and bracing myself for what this year will bring. Please God, not this year hey? Don't you think I've sort of got enough on at the moment?
Which brings me to my final (ish) point. Toyboy. Telepathy. Non communicado. Again.
OK, so my head has kind of been up my arse of late, long overdue nervous breakdown was narrowly avoided again last week, and I haven't contacted him for, well, ummmm, a bit. Oh come on, what was I supposed to do, "Hi, how are ya? I'm shit thanks, life sort of fell apart again, and you know all that shit that I said I wasn't going to dump on you, all that shit that I try to keep over here and away from you, well it's sort of following me round like a bad smell and it's all I can think about right now. And it's probably not going to get sorted the way I thought it was. The way I'd assured you it would. It may well follow me back over there." Yep, sure fire way to send the bloke running for the hills that one.
I had actually talked to BFF about this. You see, add everything that happened last week, then "the dates", my stress levels through the roof right now, and it's a bad combination. I just wanted to go to England this weekend and not have to worry or even think about what may happen with Toyboy. So I suppose I've been doing my own bit of telepathy really. I just really don't want him to pick this weekend to decide to be shy / awkward / leave me wondering etc etc. I just want to rock up and everything be alright. No effort required. Lots of fun and nice times to be had. Come home in a better mood, clearer head and ready to deal with the next disaster.
I text him yesterday. Just a simple hi, hope you haven't forgotten I'm over this week.
No reply as yet.
Hey I could always write it in my blog and you never know he might read it. Oh christ, communication via a blog now! I suppose that's a new one.
I tell ya, it's the curse of the dates. Be warned, next week may see another long drama filled post from yours truly!
P.S. Thanks to all those following the campaign and for spreading the word. And if the annonymous poster from Northern Ireland reads this, then please, please contact me. Your identity is safe with me and you can get my email from my profile, just over there on the right hand side xx
Over the past ten years, between the dates of September 10th through to the 18th, I can pretty much pinpoint all the big events in my life that have happened that have then started a chain reaction into the next thing that has happened. Sound odd? It's me! Naturally it's going to be odd. It all seems to happen in the same week, year after year. And it's all the bad stuff as well. The stuff that has pretty much led me to where I am today.
You see, ten years ago, on September 10th, a life changing bomb shell was dropped on me. Out of nowhere. SMACK! It was a biggy. Stopped me in my tracks completely. At the time, yes it was big, but it's only now that I look back that I realise just how big. I don't particularly want to go into detail as it's something that I don't really talk about and not many of my real world friends even know about it. And after a couple of months I thought that I'd gotten over it and it was all behind me. Nope. It's still something that creeps into my mind quite a bit. And when it does, especially this time of year, it still manages to stop me in my tracks. Although now it tends to be for a minute or two. But now looking back, that one event set me off down a path, probably the wrong path, because if that one event hadn't of happened, then all the crap that is currently on my plate probably wouldn't have happened either. A bit like that film, The Butterfly Effect. Only minus Ashton Kutcher.
Fast forward, September 11th. I think everyone can remember were they where when they heard about the attacks on the twin towers. September 11th is another really painful day for me. You see, I was there. In those towers. At the very top. Now I've puzzled you haven't I. I was there, September 11th, at 9am, at the top of the World Trade Centre, having breakfast. Only it was exactly a year before the attacks. I have photos of me, up there, with the time and date on. So when people say they can remember how they heard about the attacks, what they where doing etc, I can remember every single detail, and far too clearly.
I was at work having a bad day. I'd had an argument with Batman that morning and gone off to work in a bad mood. I knew even back then, still a few years before we did split up that I'd made a huge mistake in marrying him. You know one of those deep in your belly gut feelings. I'd had it for a while (more of that in a moment, and you'll see why) and I knew, somehow I knew even then, that I'd made a HUGE mistake. My inner voice was telling me that I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. I'd just come back from lunch which basically involved sitting in the car having an argument over the phone with Batman. I came back into work and went to the kitchen to get a drink. It was 2pm, so 9am New York time, and I remembered sitting in the restaurant at the top of the World Trade Centre exactly a year before, and remembered a conversation I had that morning with someone that worked there (again more of that in a moment). I heard someone coming into the room and wiped the tear from my eye. The person came into the room and told me that a plane had hit the World Trade Centre.
Back a year to 2000 and there I was, having my breakfast with a friend that lived in New York at the time. Why was I there? I was confirming all the details for my wedding reception. Irony hey. Yep, a few days later I got married and had my wedding reception there. As we sat and ate our breakfast a waiter chatted to us asking about the wedding. He was a nice man, older, a sort of father figure type. I got the impression that he was a good family man from the comments he made about marriage, and how it wasn't to be taken lightly.
I saw that waiter a few days later when I had got married. It was a beautiful night and the sky was so clear. There was a full moon, a harvest moon I think it's called when it's really big in the sky and a bit red. It was rising over the Brooklyn Bridge and as the sky got darker and all the lights across New York began to light up the view was so beautiful. Because the restaurant was right at the top of the building you could see for miles and miles. It was such a spectacular view and I remember looking out and thinking what a big wide world it was out there. And how it was all gone from me. It was the first time I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'd made a huge mistake. The waiter came over to hand me a drink and asked if I was OK. And it was the way he asked it that it was like he could see right inside me and knew that I wasn't OK. He gave me half a smile and I felt at that moment like he was the only person in the world that knew how I really felt inside. Those few moments that he stood there with me at the window admiring the view stayed with me for a very long time.
So a year later and I'm stood there remembering that nice waiter and what he'd said. I'd lost count at that point of how many times I'd kicked myself for not stopping and thinking what I was doing. His words had rung in my ears so many times. Had he tried to warn me? To make me stop and think what I was doing? That fatherly look and words of wisdom he had given me. For the brief moments they had been, they had stayed with me for so long.
It took a while for me to find out, but I discovered that he had died in the attacks. I sent a card to his family. He probably never remembered me again after my wedding day but he is someone I will never forget.
So often I have thought about the what ifs. If I'd been there exactly a year later. If the attacks had happened exactly a year earlier. There but for the grace of god.
A few days later and I was at a meeting in a very posh London restaurant followed by drinks in a very exclusive bar. It had come about after a chance meeting with someone, random conversation and then an invite. I was offered something, an opportunity, at this meeting that would have changed my life and made it very, very different to what it is today. One of those once in a lifetime things. And it was entirely possible as well. I've always been a bit of an adventurer, risk taker. Always the one to do the exciting things. Even from a young age I'd wanted to see everything in the world, go everywhere, experience so many things. It was like a burning passion inside me. When I said about looking out at the view in New York, for a brief moment I was looking out on the world I wanted to explore. But then I knew I'd never see it the way I'd always wanted to. The opportunity I was being offered at this meeting would have given me back all of that passion I'd once had. And even then with a baby (small child had arrived by then) it could all still be done. For a few hours I was excited about life again. Batman put a stop to all that.
Fast forward a couple of years and another wedding anniversary and I was miserable and something triggered in the back of my mind that I was getting out. I'd had enough and somehow I was going to find a way out of this mess.
It took me another year and another huge mistake before I did get out. And you guessed it. It was that very same week again. Well I didn't exactly get out that week, but something happened to give me that final push to get out. Again, bad things always happen in this week.
In the years since that other bits and pieces always seem to happen. Some not so huge or unpleasant or memorable. But something always happens. Last year I served court papers on Batman. And we all know now what happened with that one. And something not so nice happened with DJ Boy (remember him? Nasty piece of work he was). Year before that I unravelled the truth about He Whose Name.
Maybe it's the lunar alignment or the suns position or something in the stars. Oh I don't know, perhaps someone who's into all that stuff can tell me.
So with a trip to England happening on Thursday you can imagine I'm nervous about it all and bracing myself for what this year will bring. Please God, not this year hey? Don't you think I've sort of got enough on at the moment?
Which brings me to my final (ish) point. Toyboy. Telepathy. Non communicado. Again.
OK, so my head has kind of been up my arse of late, long overdue nervous breakdown was narrowly avoided again last week, and I haven't contacted him for, well, ummmm, a bit. Oh come on, what was I supposed to do, "Hi, how are ya? I'm shit thanks, life sort of fell apart again, and you know all that shit that I said I wasn't going to dump on you, all that shit that I try to keep over here and away from you, well it's sort of following me round like a bad smell and it's all I can think about right now. And it's probably not going to get sorted the way I thought it was. The way I'd assured you it would. It may well follow me back over there." Yep, sure fire way to send the bloke running for the hills that one.
I had actually talked to BFF about this. You see, add everything that happened last week, then "the dates", my stress levels through the roof right now, and it's a bad combination. I just wanted to go to England this weekend and not have to worry or even think about what may happen with Toyboy. So I suppose I've been doing my own bit of telepathy really. I just really don't want him to pick this weekend to decide to be shy / awkward / leave me wondering etc etc. I just want to rock up and everything be alright. No effort required. Lots of fun and nice times to be had. Come home in a better mood, clearer head and ready to deal with the next disaster.
I text him yesterday. Just a simple hi, hope you haven't forgotten I'm over this week.
No reply as yet.
Hey I could always write it in my blog and you never know he might read it. Oh christ, communication via a blog now! I suppose that's a new one.
I tell ya, it's the curse of the dates. Be warned, next week may see another long drama filled post from yours truly!
P.S. Thanks to all those following the campaign and for spreading the word. And if the annonymous poster from Northern Ireland reads this, then please, please contact me. Your identity is safe with me and you can get my email from my profile, just over there on the right hand side xx
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