Tell, Don't Yell

The NYT reported that yelling is the new spanking. Many moms have commented to me that this is not the case for them. Many moms know how to tell their children what is expected without yelling. Be kind, to yourself. If you yell, recognize that your strategies are not working, step back and try these three secrets to Tell Don’t Yell.

1) Communicate clear expectations.
2) Elaborate on what will take place while the child is doing the task.
3) Tell the child clearly what will happen when the child is done.

Here’s the HOW TO DO IT.

1) Get close to your child, establish eye contact at his/her level and tell him/her exactly what he needs to do.

“Joey, it is time to take a bath.”

2) Speak slowly, kindly and clearly. Do not ask your child with a questioning tone. Be clear that this is a command.

3) Tell your child what will happen while they are doing the activity.

“Joey, while you bathe, Mommy will read you a book, which book would you like for your bath today?”

For older children, “While you clean up, I’ll get your homework packet out for you.” “We can work on it together.”

4) Tell your child what will happen when they are done. “After your bath, we’ll build a castle.” “After your bath, we’ll eat dinner.”

There is really no need to yell at your children, if you are yelling, get back to basics with clear expectations, clear commands and specific instructions.

If your child is resistant, get him to collaborate with you before you make the command. “Joey, after Sponge Bob it’s time for a bath, do you want to go ahead and take your bath first or will you be ready when Sponge Bob is over?” “OKAY, we have a plan. Bath after Sponge Bob.”

“I know you’ll do as agreed.”

If you meet negativity draw the boundary. “If you do not do as you agreed, there will be no more TV tonight.” “That will be your choice.”

Many parents focus on, “Yes, but what if my child says, No!” If your child says no you may not be living in a family culture where respect is a two-way street. You are kind to your children and your children are to be kind back. Participating in daily self-care tasks is part of living in a family. Be clear and consistent. Punishment is not the answer.

Getting back to reminding your children that “In our family we speak nicely and do as we are told,” is the secret. Next time, we’ll talk about respect as a foundation for behavioral management.