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The Family Coach Method: Are Your Raising A Brat or A Bully?
Are Your Kids the “B” Word?
Nobody wants to believe their child is a brat. But, brats abound these days. In some families, America materialism has overtaken quality time, caring and relating.
Here’s a simple test to see if you need to institute some changes around your house and in your relationships to eliminate the brat syndrome.
Does your child (over the age of 3) throw a temper tantrum when he doesn’t get his way?
Do you often give into your child’s wishes just to get him to stop crying or whining? Well, guess what – that’s why he throws tantrums – they’ve been quite effective for him.
Does your child value material things more than people?
Does your child bully his friends or threaten to withdraw friendship to get his way with them?
Does your child follow basic household rules, or does he rule the house?
Does your child destroy things out of anger or as a means to get attention?
Is she sorely lacking in play date invitations? This is a sign that other moms don’t want to put up with her.
If you answered yes to two or more of these questions, there’s a good chance you’ve got a brat. If you answered yes to all of them, we have some strategies for you.
Tips for raising a loving child
Here are some tips to rein in your child and to help him or her grow with an emphasis on healthy relationships not pathological control, anger and manipulation.
Establish Ground Rules
Establish to ground rules in your home and in your family relationships. Be clear about the kind of family you are and how you expect your children to treat those within and outside of your family. "We treat others with respect." "We do not mock or make fun of others." "We stand up for kids who are mistreated."
Model Compassion
Emphasize caring, compassion and giving. Brats and bullies are self-centered, raise your children to care about the needs and feelings of others. You also want to model love for your child. Might your child be a brat because she is not getting enough of you, your love and focused attention?
Teach Respect
Keep in mind that teaching your child respect for others is one of the best gifts you can give him.
Establish Boundaries
When your child pushes the boundaries - and you need to say NO, mean it. Be prepared to put up with the tantrum that’s about to ensue – and stand your ground like a mature adult. This may take a few trials.
You’re going to have to endure a few tantrums before he gets the message. Explain to your child (when he’s not in the midst of a tantrum) that his behavior is not acceptable and will not get him what he wants. Give examples of alternate words and behaviors.
Be firm yet loving. Clear boundaries and consistent responses on your part not only manage behavior better, they also create safety and security for kids and teens.
Remember, if you give in you are fostering inappropriate behavior. A selfish, self-centered or cruel child is not who you are aiming to raise.
Give Your Time, Not Toys
Stop buying toys and taking trips to the mall for a while. Give your child love and the gift of your time. There is nothing your child wants more than you. Make dates with your child, play sports, paint, draw, sing, make music; hey, just hang out a little, without your cell phone on.
Model Healthy Behavior
Model the behavior you want your child to exhibit. Using bad words, calling your child names or having a fit yourself is the wrong direction.
Avoid Benign Neglect
Sometimes, we let our children turn into brats because we feel guilty about saying no to them. Other times we parent our children with "benign neglect" by choosing our own needs, interests and work over our children's needs. If you are choosing work or workouts over your child admit it and own up to your contribution to their behavior.
When you let your child be a brat, it’s him or her that you’re hurting in the long run. Be available, set clear boundaries and parent with the end in mind. More in the forthcoming book, The Family Coach Method: Raising good, kind, ethical kids in a complicated world (October 2009 St Lynn's Press),
Nobody wants to believe their child is a brat. But, brats abound these days. In some families, America materialism has overtaken quality time, caring and relating.
Here’s a simple test to see if you need to institute some changes around your house and in your relationships to eliminate the brat syndrome.
Does your child (over the age of 3) throw a temper tantrum when he doesn’t get his way?
Do you often give into your child’s wishes just to get him to stop crying or whining? Well, guess what – that’s why he throws tantrums – they’ve been quite effective for him.
Does your child value material things more than people?
Does your child bully his friends or threaten to withdraw friendship to get his way with them?
Does your child follow basic household rules, or does he rule the house?
Does your child destroy things out of anger or as a means to get attention?
Is she sorely lacking in play date invitations? This is a sign that other moms don’t want to put up with her.
If you answered yes to two or more of these questions, there’s a good chance you’ve got a brat. If you answered yes to all of them, we have some strategies for you.
Tips for raising a loving child
Here are some tips to rein in your child and to help him or her grow with an emphasis on healthy relationships not pathological control, anger and manipulation.
Establish Ground Rules
Establish to ground rules in your home and in your family relationships. Be clear about the kind of family you are and how you expect your children to treat those within and outside of your family. "We treat others with respect." "We do not mock or make fun of others." "We stand up for kids who are mistreated."
Model Compassion
Emphasize caring, compassion and giving. Brats and bullies are self-centered, raise your children to care about the needs and feelings of others. You also want to model love for your child. Might your child be a brat because she is not getting enough of you, your love and focused attention?
Teach Respect
Keep in mind that teaching your child respect for others is one of the best gifts you can give him.
Establish Boundaries
When your child pushes the boundaries - and you need to say NO, mean it. Be prepared to put up with the tantrum that’s about to ensue – and stand your ground like a mature adult. This may take a few trials.
You’re going to have to endure a few tantrums before he gets the message. Explain to your child (when he’s not in the midst of a tantrum) that his behavior is not acceptable and will not get him what he wants. Give examples of alternate words and behaviors.
Be firm yet loving. Clear boundaries and consistent responses on your part not only manage behavior better, they also create safety and security for kids and teens.
Remember, if you give in you are fostering inappropriate behavior. A selfish, self-centered or cruel child is not who you are aiming to raise.
Give Your Time, Not Toys
Stop buying toys and taking trips to the mall for a while. Give your child love and the gift of your time. There is nothing your child wants more than you. Make dates with your child, play sports, paint, draw, sing, make music; hey, just hang out a little, without your cell phone on.
Model Healthy Behavior
Model the behavior you want your child to exhibit. Using bad words, calling your child names or having a fit yourself is the wrong direction.
Avoid Benign Neglect
Sometimes, we let our children turn into brats because we feel guilty about saying no to them. Other times we parent our children with "benign neglect" by choosing our own needs, interests and work over our children's needs. If you are choosing work or workouts over your child admit it and own up to your contribution to their behavior.
When you let your child be a brat, it’s him or her that you’re hurting in the long run. Be available, set clear boundaries and parent with the end in mind. More in the forthcoming book, The Family Coach Method: Raising good, kind, ethical kids in a complicated world (October 2009 St Lynn's Press),
Tags: brat, bully, discipline, family, love, parenting, tfcm, tmfc
Add a Comment
9 Comments
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Comment by Kelly Luzod-Jones on July 14, 2009 at 5:37pm - Thank you for this article, I'll be sure to pass it on! Unfortunately, I have a few friends that really need it!
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Comment by Lynne Kenney on July 13, 2009 at 8:26pm -
Reiza, You are raising an important question. My view is that the first person you can change is yourself, the second person you can impact is your child(ren) by giving the skills of observation and evaluation. If your children are 6-12 I think you help them make decisions about what makes a good friend. If your kids are 0-6 you shift your schedule to allow them access to children who live with values you live with. We all choose our friends, the key is to help your kids develop the skills to choose wisely. Sometimes, a friend wants help when their kid is a brat or a bully, but usually I observe they live with values that reinforce the behavior and are not yet ready to change. Curiously, a favorite book of mine on this topic is Christian even though I rec it to my clients of all denominations, titled Family Virtues Guide by Popov. Michele Borba has also written a few great books related to this micheleborba.com. Lots to think about.
I welcome your thoughts, too, as Moms Know Best. Lynne
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Comment by Lynne Kenney on July 13, 2009 at 8:09pm
- Dawn, Agreed! I found that the topic of respect was so important yet complicated I spent weeks writing one chapter on RESPECT. How do we teach it? How do we model it? How do we expect our kids to live it? What do we do when their peers do not? What do we do when our partner or grandparents are not? Over time I realized it comes down to knowing where you stand and really living it. Even when you're tired, overwhelmed and stressed-out. Not easy. But central to our relationships. Thank you for bringing our attention to it. Lynne
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Comment by Reiza on July 13, 2009 at 8:05pm
- So, let's say someone reads through this and recognizes a friend's child. How do you deal with someone who has a brat or a bully & doesn't realize it?
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Comment by Dawn on July 13, 2009 at 5:49pm - I could not agree more with teaching your child respect - it is the foundation for a happy life!
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Comment by Lynne Kenney on July 13, 2009 at 11:43am
- I agree, especially when we work, our kids can get put on ignore, it's such a juggling act. But if you teach your children mastery, accountability and skillfulness between ages 3-8, they are so much better equipped to be successful in the social world. What do I need to teach my child to help him manage his feelings when he is frustrated? Mood modulation, thinking skills, cognitive delay. In kid's terms: 1) Think 2) Breathe 3) Respond. I love breaking tasks down for kids. It's so cool to then see them use the strategies. Enjoy your day, Lynne
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Comment by Megan Calhoun on July 12, 2009 at 8:26am - Excellent information, Lynne! My four year old still has tantrums - I'm going to remember and implement your suggestions. I think the hardest thing is with our busy and hectic lifestyles these days, it's easy to not be as attentive as we should be. At least, I know that is what I struggle with.
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Comment by Lynne Kenney on July 11, 2009 at 9:00pm
- Read it with my daughter, she's teachin' me a few things.
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Comment by Coach Jen on July 11, 2009 at 3:18am - Excellent article Lynne. I'll look forward to reading more and I wholeheartedly agree!
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